Honesty, Transparency

For quite a while I have been reading a blog from a lovely young girl who talks eloquently about her submission.  She talks about her deep commitment to her Dominant partner, how profoundly erotic is the relationship and how much she trust him with her deepest secrets.

There is much there that is valuable, particularly for women who are just beginning to accept their submissive and possibly masochistic side.  Unfortunately, what she does not discuss, at least not in any detail, is that her Dominant is at a distance, her communication is on line, she is married to a man in the military, and as far as I can tell, she has not disclosed to her husband either her submissive desires, her relationship with her Dominant, nor the fact that she has declared her love for her Dom.  I do not even know if she talks with her Dominant about her marriage but know that she has not mentioned talking to her husband about her Dom.

This is very difficult for me.  My feelings take me to a place where I believe that deep submission requires deep transparency.  Valuable Dominance requires care for a submissives entire life, all aspects, and the health and growth of all areas of it.  I do not see that here.  I see a woman strongly concerned with her own pleasure, irrespective of any care and concern for her husband, and a Dominant who requires, even demands declarations of deep commitment even when responsibility for that commitment is not or can not be taken.  It makes me uncomfortable.

But Dear Lord, I so want to hear those declarations.  I want to see in the face of a submissive woman that adoration that so feeds me.  I can not help but understand the reasons behind those demands, even when the relationship is only with words, or video, and not a touch, or smell, or feel of breath upon the neck.

I have been in that place where I have struggled for the connection lost, or never completely found between myself and one to whom I have committed.  I know how overwhelming powerful that response to words typed exclusively for you, even without all those other truly necessary stimuli.  I know what it feels like to find some small connection to something I have not been able to share, and how necessary it can become.

That place is not an affirming place, for me and certainly not for the one to whom I have committed.  Yet to move from there requires admissions and declarations of need which can change your life profoundly, permanently, and without recourse.  You can not go back.  No wonder it is so common to live in a place where these things are not acknowledged.

I have often said that there is much for which I would wish in my life that I do not presently have.  There are repeated opportunities in my life to try for things that are almost what I want, where I can get a bit, but know it will not fulfill.  But I have a few friends now with whom I can be honest, who know me.  One, a friend of long standing who shares many of my struggles, and another who I know might wish for those things we could share, but who also understands that there is much about my needs that are not her needs and so the level of commitment she desires would not be affirming for either of us.  We are honest with each other.

Will I find someone who fits the puzzle that is me?  Who knows.  No guarantees here.  But I know that if am not honest with her or them, if I do not continually struggle to be transparent with them and to demand transparency from them, that I will have no chance to find my needs fulfilled.

That is what it is all about.  Isn’t it?

The Eroticist

She Isn’t Kidding

What do you do when someone you have known and loved for many many years suddenly tells you she wants you to hurt her?  She wants you to be rough with her.  She wants to be spanked, to be bit, to be slapped, to get marks from you, marks that last.  First, read this.

You have to understand that she is telling you this because she trusts you.  Most likely, if your relationship has been going on for a long time, she has kept this hidden for an even longer time.  She is telling you this because she knows you, and trusts that you can do this out of love and with no intent to harm her, just with an intent to hurt her.

It is the first hurdle that a caring sadistic Dominant must clear.  How do I hurt someone I love?  Let me tell you, she would not be telling you this if it was not a very powerful need within her.  People do not ask to be hurt, ask for pain, for extreme sensation unless they truly want it.  If you DO love her, you must find a way to show her you care enough to give her what she needs.

This was overwhelmingly difficult for her.  She hid this for a lot of very good reasons.  She feared others opinions of her.  She knew that this was “wrong.”  Wanting this made her “perverted”, “twisted”, something to be laughed at, shunned.  If she ever told anyone before, she was probably told she was “sick” and ostracized.  But now, out of trust, she has told you because the need is still there.  So, what are you going to do?  Will you be like the rest and tell her how “wrong” this is?  OK, say good bye now.  Or are you going to Man Up and show her that you can deal with her deep internal needs?  What does loving her mean to you?

If you are a good and caring man you now have to figure out what it means to be “rough” with your lover.  So let me tell you right off that no matter how many times we, as men, are told that violence comes from a place of  aggression and anger, of being “Tough.”  This is not what she wants and not what you should give.  This violence comes from a place of care, love, and concern for your partner, a place of high sexual passion.  This is not coming from a reaction of yours, it is coming from satisfying a need of someone you love, and you have to learn to be sensitive to her cues.

Out in public, perhaps take her hand, and just place your teeth on her arm.  Take hold.  Bite slowly, you will feel when the flesh stops compressing.  Just hold there.  Look at her.  Hold her eyes.  See the gratitude, the excitement, the sexual heat you are creating.  This is foreplay.  Then after you both feel comfortable, try a touch more.

This is to build passion.  Use it that way.  Play.  If she wants to be spanked, sit proud in your chair and point to your lap.  She will know.  It is a fine feeling to have a woman willingly lay herself over your knees, wanting you.  For that is what is happening.  She is saying in the clearest possibly way that she wants what you can give her.  She is giving you her body.  Take it.  Watch her, listen to her breathing, read her body, feel the pain go through her body as you satisfy her.  Go ahead, ask, “Did you like that?”  She will tell you.  ”If you did, then say you should say, ‘Thank you.’”  Or perhaps, “Thank you, Sir.”

Pain is a sexual thing.  So make it so.  Talk about what she wants.  Always watch her.  Give her the sexual pain she wants.  Slap her between the legs.  Twist her nipples.  Bite in the most sensitive places.  But always stay connected.  Do not fear giving her pain, but listen to her passion.  You will, I promise you, feel the rewards.  You are doing this because she wants it.  You are doing this because you care for her and want to give her pleasure.  Yes, pleasure.  You may not wish to change places with her.  She may not wish to change places with you.  But this, this sharing of deep desires, will carry you far.

As you learn to read her, watch as her passion grows.  Yes, include all those lovely intrusive sexual acts, but mingle it with pain.  Tell her she may only cum when you allow it, and as you see her holding it back, give her a hard slap and say, “NOW!” and watch that lovely cascade you have caused.  Keep watching, and as she comes back into the world, see the appreciation.  You have given her what, in many cases, she has never received before.  Passionate acceptance.

Eventually, the next day, you will see marks, scratches, bruises, marks of teeth.  Talk about it.  Tell her how you feel.  Let her tell you what they make her feel.  I would suspect her reaction will surprise you.  They will be feelings of pleasure, reminders of passion.  These are not bruises from angry fights, they are short lived reminders that you love her enough to make a statement, that there is passion between you.

Accept her appreciation.  This may be very new to both of you.  So talk about it, often, and at length.  Begin to tell her what it does to you to satisfy this need of hers.  Talk about what all of this means to you.  Find out what it means to her.  Talk.  Communicate.  You may feel concerned that you are doing something wrong.  But that is your social training.  Do you love her?  Do you want to please her?  You are beginning to share with your loved one areas of yourselves that are desperately important and will bond you together on a level you may have never touched before.  It is a good place.

The Eroticist

I want to be NORMAL

With every fiber of my being, I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be accepted.  I wanted to be OK.  I wanted people to look at me and know me and smile and wave and think, there goes a good guy.  I wanted to live a life that is acceptable by the general society.  I had these thoughts and things I wanted.  But it wasn’t normal, and I knew what normal was, it was what I was told how everyone else lived.  It was what I saw on TV.  It was what I was taught about at school, so for forty years, well over half my life, all those thoughts were put away.  No one else had them.  Only me, and I had to hide that.

I did, very well.

Until I got tired of it and I began to accept who I was.  But I am also tired of being thought a creepy old man because I talk about sex.  I am tired of feeling that I am broken, or sick because of the thoughts in my head that never leave.  I hate it when my family wants me to “Just not talk about those things” or might be embarrassed if their friends found out.  I am hurt when I loose friends when I talk about what is really important to me, and I am saddened beyond expression when I hear the whispers behind my back that I should be avoided.  All the people who keep saying “No”, “Don’t”, “Shhhh”, “No one wants to hear that” are supported by everyone it seems.  It must be true.  I want to be Normal.

But it is not me that I want to change.

I am free to speak on unacceptable subjects to people who who are interested in what I have to say.  I enjoy teaching to people who want to learn what I know.  I am willing to accept people who have different interests as long as they accept me and mine.  I do not engage in activities with people who do not actively tell me they desire and enjoy those activities.  Why am I not Normal?  Why is this not Normal?  Why is sex, any kind of sex, abnormal in this society, something to be hidden, of which to be ashamed, not for “polite” people?

This is an important Ted Talk and you should listen to it.  Let us work so more people can be normal.

The Eroticist

Infidelity and “Forbidden Sex”

This post comes from a discussion currently going on in a LinkedIn group to which I belong, Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality — SSSS.  Yes, even considering my previous post, I do still read it.  It began as a debate over a Psych Today article as to whether or not a recent high profile “breakup” was due to a choice or sexual dysfunction.

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I have many reactions to the posts above. Some arguments seem unreasonably simplistic, others make valid points, still others seem to have too narrow a view.

Eroticism is a very complex issue as discussed by Esther Perel, a delicate balance between the mystery of what might be possible and the safety of what is known. We all, I think, struggle with that balance in our lives and are tempted by the mystery of affairs while wanting to hold to the safety of a committed relationship.

The term “Forbidden Sex” as used by Ms. McMahon reflects the mystery, I think, but also reflects on the established relationship. It is forbidden because the society in general, and the relationship in particular expects one to enter into and commit for life to a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex for the purpose of procreation. As we are seeing currently, some of those presumptions are being more closely examined, I think for the benefit of all.

Would it be “Forbidden Sex” if there was transparent communication between partners? Would it cause the pain of divorce if there were open discussions between partners of their deep sexuality and agreements based on the love of your partner rather than the expectations of society? I tend to think not. But that is a FAR more difficult path than relaxing into social mores. In my mind it requires ACTIVE loving, rather than passive.

I do not believe that humans are wired for monogamous relationships any more than they are wired for Polyamorous ones. And as for whether one or the other is dysfunctional, that is obviously in the eye of the beholder (read therapist). What I believe IS dysfunctional is the dishonesty between committed partners of which I myself have been guilty. What also is dysfunctional is the feeling that one person can love another only if that “loved one” stays within constricted social bounds.

And before anyone says, “You mean if I love you once, I must love you forever, even if you are an abuser or turn out to be Tamerlan Tsarnaev.” Obviously, no, there are many reasons for people understanding they are incompatible. Let us not make this simplistic.

Finally, I would state that the phrase “Polyamouous Relationship” is an incredibly broad umbrella phrase encompassing a wide variety of possibly mutually incompatible relationship structures and should not be considered one particular form.

The most important aspect of all of this is introspection, understanding, acceptance and transparent communication, an incredibly difficult path because it requires delving deeply into what you really want, and freely and openly communicating that to the people you love and who love you, knowing that it may jeopardize that relationship.  So, is it better to live the lie and try to convince others, and yourself that you are not who you are?  It may be easier, but it sure isn’t better.

The Eroticist

For those interested in a bit more research, I quote from that discussion, a post from Kathy A McMahon, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist, Adjunct Faculty, Antioch University, New England, another member.  The links are ones found by me, not supplied by Ms. McMahon.  -tE

“I don’t agree that we are not wired to love only one person. I believe we have a “dual mandate” if you will: one that is curious and pleasure-seeking, and one that is attachment-based. To pretend only one exists is ignoring the existence of the other. 

Robin Baker’s “Sperm Wars” certainly suggests one, no doubt. On the other hand, evidence-based couples work of Gottman and Johnson emphasize the other. And what about “sexual styles” based on the sex research from Donald Mosher?  [The only links I can find directly to Mosher's work are two downloadable papers, here and here.  --tE]  We are going to see any more extra-relational sex with someone embracing a “Role Enactor” position than we are someone who is more “Partner Engager.” We’re also going to see a different response from the partner, depending upon the style they also embrace. Even Baker’s work suggest that the penis and testicle size might be correlated with reproductive and mating styles.”

Pain and Pleasure for Someone New

As many posts here have originated, this comes from a question I received on FetLife.  I was asked to comment on pain by a woman seeking to find a deeper connection between eroticism and more severe forms of sensation.  I am not sure what I can say that will be definitive, but I am never one to avoid expressing my opinion.

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I am sure you understand that pain is highly subjective and unique to the individual. What is unbearable to one might make another cum and beg for repeats.  But the thing that should concern you most, I think, is your ability to communicate. I will also mention a bit about Topping, bottoming, Dominance and submission. But there is a lot of debate on all these topics and I am expressing my opinion here, not any form of Universal Truth.

You mention in your profile, “I have had the opportunity to submit for the first time not too long ago, and I am more excited than ever… I can’t wait to have the chance to do it again and again.” From your experience and descriptions, I would debate as to whether or not you experienced submission or had your first bottoming experience. While there are elements of each in both, bottoming is usually thought of as allowing a trusted friend to apply strong sensation to you, while not, necessarily adding the accompanying, “Yes, Sir, my body is yours, Sir. Do whatever you wish, Sir.” Submission, on the other hand, might simply be spending time consistently serving the needs of another individual, with no sensation play at all.

Sadomasochistic play, the giving and receiving of extreme sensations for the enjoyment of both, can also be either within a context of bottoming, or Dominance and submission (D/s). D/s is usually an element in SM play, but may be only a light and humorous one.

My personal preference in a partner is one who can easily sexualize pain. That is my joy. But as I have said before, I am not the only kind of sadist out there. There are many sadists whose joy comes in their partner’s suffering, experiencing unenjoyable pain for the pleasure of their Dominants. As I said above, however, the acceptance of pain is very unique. The experience of that pain has little to do with what is done, and is almost exclusively in how it is received by the bottom or sub.

In anyone’s life, pain is experienced both physical and emotional, thought the subject of this post is exclusively physical.  Unfortunately, that pain is often absolutely UNenjoyable. To begin to delve into enjoyable pain, sexualized pain, I believe one has to be in an environment of intent. While I believe and accept that there are forms of enjoyable pain which are not necessarily sexual, erotic pain is where I will concentrate.

Eroticism is a play of tensions, mysteries. As Esther Perel says, it is a delicate balance between the safety of what is known, and the mystery of what is not. “What will happen?” “Will she let me?” “Will he go too far, or far enough?” “Can I take it?” “Will my fantasy outlive the reality?” Using pain as a tool in eroticism tends to ramp up the stakes to all these questions.

This is why I emphasize communication. When I am intentionally causing extreme forms of sensation to someone, particularly someone who does not yet know their responses, I will combine with it as many forms of sexual stimulation as possible, tools, toys, and most importantly, words, thoughts and intent. I would want my partner to concentrate on her sexuality, control her energy, work on the ability to move and purposely place her responses. If I am causing sensation to her nipples, for example, I will talk to her about feeling that warmth, that tingling, move down her belly, and feel how it is concentrating in her vagina. (LOL, though I may use different words.)

The connection between people is important. I will watch a new partner closely and continually check in, ask how they are, if they can feel their arousal increasing, keeping their thoughts aimed towards eroticism, playing between increasing pain and the quick release for that sensation to turn sexual.

There is more to that, asking her to hold on to her climax for a bit to increase the release, demanding she ask permission to cum, adding shock, a slap or pinch, or direct stimulation at the point of release to increase pleasure, but I want to move on to issues involved with more serious applications of pain, and again the necessity of communication.

One hears a lot about what is called “Sub Space”. I believe that it is not something exclusive to the sub or bottom and that there is a comparable place into which Dom’s can enter, but that is for another time. Sub space often CAN, but not necessarily does involve a floating, other worldly state where verbal communication can be difficult to impossible, and demanding verbal feedback from your bottom at that time can seriously detract from their enjoyment of the experience. So from the bottom’s point of view, if you are serious about wishing to explore heavier forms of sensation, find an experienced Top, one who is aware of body signs and has the experience to read you a bit. I say a bit, because each person is unique and how your body reacts will be unique to you.

Talk to him/her about what you want to and what you expect to experience, talk about their knowledge of the tools they are going to use, and possibly talk to people with whom they have played. Make sure they know that this is new for you and that you do not know how you will react.

But understand most that being new for you, expectations as to how you should react or what will happen is the greatest cause of disappointment. Do not be concerned with your “performance.” Do not be afraid of using safewords, they communicate. Give yourself time to experience, and by that I mean, set aside a few days afterwards with little demands, time to observe yourself and check in with your Top. You will be in (hopefully) a joyous state of recovery for a while.

But also, if, in the days following, you find yourself feeling it was not that enjoyable an experience, do not blame yourself or your Top. It just was what it was. Another Top, another experience might be all you would wish it to be.

There is much that I did not touch upon, and I would encourage questions. This is an important and highly enjoyable experience that can be a strong element of a deeply bonded relationship. I encourage you to experience it.

Arach (The Eroticist)

I Take Offense

I am a member of a LinkedIn group titled “Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality — SSSS.”  Within that group there is currently a discussion on a recently linked and extensively footnoted article, “Sexual Abuse: A Major Cause Of Homosexuality?“

It is difficult for me to begin to express my feelings on this “report”, but first let me acknowledge what I do know.  Many homosexual men are victims of sexual abuse.  Many more lesbian women are victims of sexual abuse.  Most cases of any form of sexual abuse are not reported.  Sexual abuse can have profound effects on a person’s future sexual behavior and identity.

But let me include some pertinent quotes from the linked “report” debated in this Scientific group.

“It is a well-documented fact that many many homosexuals were sexually abused when young….In other words, there is an abundance of evidence that many many homosexuals were born heterosexual but were disoriented by sexual abuse.” 

Oh?  Interesting connection.  Because someone is homosexual and had suffered abuse, then ipso facto, that means that they were born heterosexual.  Does that mean that the hundreds of thousands of people who are heterosexual and have suffered abuse were born homosexual?

“Whatever the true percentages are of male and female sex abuse victims, considering how high the suggested/reported numbers are compared to the percentage of the population that is homosexual (only 1%-2%), we can see that sexual abuse can theoretically account for every case of homosexuality.” 

My eyes widen.  So, because there are many more cases of childhood sexual abuse than there are homosexuals, every case of homosexuality is accounted for by abuse.  A fine bit of Aristotelian logic, that is.

“Too, there currently is no definitive proof that anyone is born homosexual. Several studies by homosexual researchers claimed to find some possible biological bases for homosexuality. But other scientists easily pointed out the flaws in those studies, and the results of those studies have yet to be replicated by others. In the words of pro-homosexual Newsweek magazine: ‘In the early ’90s, three highly publicized studies seemed to suggest that homosexuality’s roots were genetic….More than five years later the data have never been replicated.’  (This fact has been almost totally ignored by the biased, untrustworthy, dominant liberal media.)” 

Ah, that argument.  I was waiting for that one.  ”Your study seems to show proof that homosexuality is born into you, therefore you are a homosexual pushing your agenda, and anyone supporting your argument is pro-homosexual, biased and untrustworthy.”

“Those who push the born-homosexual line are effectively ignoring the sexual abuse of children. What kind of “people” want to let pedophiles get away with sexually abusing little kids?” 

Good, that is a powerful argument.  If you believe that homosexuality is biologically determined, you are promoting pedophilia.  Certainly wouldn’t want to do that.

“Skilled psychologists and psychiatrists like Masters and Johnson, Charles Socarides, Joseph Nicolosi, Benjamin Kaufman, Elizabeth Moberly, Jeffrey Satinover, and Gerard van den Aardweg, have had success changing homosexuals into heterosexuals. (They have been successful because most if not all homosexuals were probably born heterosexual.)” 

What phenomenally healing therapists these are, bringing the errant back to the fold.  Further proof that Homos were born pure.

“Those who oppose using therapy to change homosexuals into heterosexuals are, in effect, trying to keep homosexuals locked into homosexuality. Those who oppose such therapy do not want homosexuals to have a choice, a way out of homosexuality. That’s un-American, inhumane, intolerant, and meanly oppressive.” 

And so the truth is given, and must be believed.

What is truly frightening to me is that this kind of biased personal agenda is given any form of credence in a group that purports to be based in Science.   While I disagree wholeheartedly with its underlining assumptions, I certainly accept anyone’s right to debate the issue and express their opinion, but to state that this has any basis in Scientific legitimacy is ludicrous to the extreme.  One might as well say that it is the word of GOD and unbelievers should be stoned.

Oh, wait, people do say that.

The Eroticist

A “Serious” Subject

I have been thinking recently about the seriousness of the activities we do.  Being a Sadist, I engage in activities which should definitely be taken seriously.  I purposely cause severe levels of sensation to people who are often bound in such a way as to be effectively helpless, and often do not have complete knowledge as to what is going to happen to them or how they are going to react to it.  (Comments welcome on that one.)  In other words, I do have their well being, even their life in my hands.  This is serious stuff.

Within a relationship, I am asked to make decisions or advise people in areas which can have a profound effect on how they live their lives.  This involves serious levels of responsibility.

But as I sit here, sticking out my tongue to gather in the last bits of breakfast muffin cinnamon crumbles off of my plate, I think of all the people I have met who take their position as a Dominant and respected member of the BDSM community so Damn SERIOUSLY.  We wear our uniforms, each article of which can be looked upon as awards from awe struck submissives, boots (with there mandatory yellow stitching around the sole), leather pants, belt, vest, and the most serious of all, the cover, the hat, the brim of which is never to be touched by human hand.

We are to be addressed with a plethora of honorifics, from the simple, “Sir, yes, Sir” all the way up to “As is your wish, my Lord and Master” and beyond.  There are rules of behavior, dress and speech which can make your head spin, and seem to far surpass those required by the less serious “Vanillas”.  (This gives rise to the newbee’s oft requested rule book, of which there is none.)

And yet, in my humble opinion, while this is all well and good (and I do mean that.  This is all behavior chosen and accepted by those who wish to engage in it, much like any club requirements) what is forgotten is that there is truly little serious difference between all this and dressing up for a Halloween party, or knocking three times and saying “Pumbernickle” to get into the tree house.

What is often forgotten is that while it is necessary to take the responsibility of what we do seriously, it is to our detriment to take ourselves so seriously.  We are people, after all.  Each with unique gifts and abilities which we are blessed to be able to share with others.  The manor and style with which we do so is decided by those gifts and abilities and the enviable facility to find joy in what we do.

That is the point, after all.  To share with one another and to find joy in how we do it.  Be that in taking on most “Serious” roles and discovering interesting interactions between mine and yours, or just sitting quietly with a loved one and commenting on the world around you.  ”Oh SIR, did you see what they were wearing?”

The Eroticist