There is so much debate in kink circles about cause and effect, origins, if what we do is learned or caused or a reaction to.  I do not really have answers, and do not mean to position myself as one who does.  But this I know.  Once someone has discovered, or perhaps better put, accepted that they are a Dominant, or a masochist, or even find they just GET something from behaving in a way that they have been taught all their lives was not the way good people behave, there continues a period of recall where moments come up and they say, “I should have seen it back then.”  Perhaps they were not ready.

Is that the way with all things?  Is life a series of denials and discoveries, rejections and acceptances?  As I said, I do not have answers.

It is such a difficult conundrum.  How can I care so much about people and relationships and being lovingly affirmative, and still want the incredible excitement of being with someone who wants to be physically hurt, needing to care for them and cause them pain at the same time?  I do not know, but it has been there since my first sexual awakening.  Knowing how to care for them, and at the same time feed them is a gift of mine.  It is there.

More important than the understanding that it began so early is the acceptance that it is not going to go away.  I can live a life of rejection and denial, and I accept that for some, that may be advantageous due to the social position and company in which they find themselves.  However, I do not believe that medical treatment, psychological therapy, sociological pressure or religious faith will change you.  All of these things may give you the strength to peacefully continue your denial, if you feel that may be for the best.  But do not be confused into thinking that you are thereby, in some way, a better more realized person, “cured” or that denial can make you a “good person”.  I think, in a very basic way, it makes you “less”.

Your gifts may not be what others think they should be, and perhaps not even what you would wish they were.  But they are there, they are gifts, you have them and I think it best to accept them and learn to use them for the best, for no matter what you may wish, they will always be there.

The Eroticist