Most of you know my feelings about Dominance and submission and how it is an element in every romantic and sexual relationship, no matter how “vanilla” it might be.  I allude to it here and here, perhaps other places as well.  Well, if you are considering a more formalized D/s relationship, I want to tell you about the secret set of rules that we all abide by and must be learned before stepping forward.  When one decides to enter into a Dominant and submissive relationship we Dominants hold a great deal of power through one closely held secret.  You see, even when we are just starting out we understand that the way it works is We get to set the rules.  When submissives are just beginning, they understand that they are just entering into a new community and they seek to understand the new community rules set by the Dominants and follow them.

The rules usually assumed to exist are things like, Treat all Dominants with Respect, you are submissive so you should follow the directives of anyone who seems to be a Dominant held in high respect, the Dominant has the right to tell you if they are held in high respect, Dominants are horny bastards and you are expected to sexually serve them in any way they say, you should always refer to anyone Dominant as “Sir”, “Mistress”, “Master”, “Ma’am” or some other honorific chosen by them, you should accept any respected Dominant’s view of what kind of sub/slave you are and how you should behave, the Dominant gets to tell you if they are respected, and most importantly, you are here to serve a Dominant so you have to do everything he says you have to.

OK, ready?  Here is the secret.  There is no rule book.  The above is all Bullshit.  But you knew that anyway, didn’t you?

Obviously I would like to think that anyone entering into a new community by choice would treat the members of that community with respect, ALL the members.  That means submissives as well.  But beyond that there is NO set way to behave required by the gate keeper and possibly not even that.  Hopefully everyone deserves respect, but if you find they don’t, no matter what role they assume, don’t give it.  Simple.

For the lovely people who enjoy submission, feeling that there is a set of rules that is known only by a select few gives you a distinct societal and sexual disadvantage.  Operating by the rules they construct for you is a fine first step on the road to abuse.  “I am Dominant.  You are submissive.  I get to set the rules from the first moment of meeting.  Well, Open Up.”

So understand this, submission does NOT require a lack of self respect.  You have every right to ask for and expect your needs to be met and respected.  You have the right to ask for and negotiate a relationship aimed at satisfying your wants and desires.  (Satisfying your needs, a “yes” and satisfying your desires, a “maybe” is a subject for another blog.)

But unfortunately, this requires that you understand and can communicate what those needs and desires are.  This is not so easy, specially for a submissive who does not yet know the possibilities of behavior.  So what is my point?  It is to take your time.  Talk to other submissives.  Watch other people play.  Get a wide range of viewpoints.  Take note of what excites you.  Listen to your body.  Understand that you will change.  Consider all these things before even thinking about giving authority over your life and safety to another human being.  When you do find someone worthy of your consideration, require open channels of communication.  Expect and demand a consistent right to say, “No” in whatever form that may take.  Never be afraid to ask questions.

A joyously accepted, negotiated, and necessarily unique Dominant and submissive or Master/slave relationship can and should be a deeply affirming relationship to both parties.  Let it be so.

The Eroticist