Those of us in the lifestyle and probably everyone who, at one time or other wanted a date, have seen the dance, that tentative exploration and sometime flashing displays of what we can do, all to capture the attention of someone we do not yet know.

As a Dominant heterosexual male I have seen it often in both males and females approaching me and others, and have been far to guilty of it myself.  In the flirtatious Dance, incredibly enjoyable, and usually quite complementary, the submissive uses all available honorifics, offers to do some small service, or possibly offers herself as a partner for play, while the Dominant struts in his plumage, leathers and pins and is effusive in his complements with slight hints of possession.  “How Lovely.  That’s my good little girl.”

It is fun, exciting, a wonderful game and great joy of mine. and I do not mean to discourage it, but for the goal of a deeply bonded BDSM relationship, it can be counter productive.  For the game is meant to entice, to bring closer, to captivate.  To play the game well, you are attune to the other person.  (This is a good thing.)  You look carefully for what brings them closer, what possibly makes them hesitate.  You emphasize the former, and definitely DE-emphasize the latter.  You hide and do not admit to flaws, mistakes or questions within yourself.  And there lies the problem.

I try, here, to continually describe the goal, that of a deeply bonded relationship between two or more people with an emphasis on equal respect, mutual admiration (“society, my baby and me”), and a strong willingness to enter into and explore that land beyond the boundaries of physical, emotional and spiritual relationships usually declared acceptable.  I add to that an emphasis on physical, emotional and spiritual growth of all partners and the relationship in general.

I also emphasize the struggle to communicate with your partners in a transparent and immediate way, to avoid the scripts we build, to be honest with ourselves and to share our being openly and honestly with our partner(s).  This is an integral element of the relationship we are trying to build, and yet it runs diametrically opposite to The Game.  (I am aware of my term and it’s connection to the manual on how to be a pick up artist.  If that interests you, you should check out Clarisse Thorn’s masterful blog, and her book on chasing PUA’s.)

So, what am I saying?  Enjoy the game, the flirt, the back and forth play between yourselves, but do not buy into it and do not buy into the other’s.  Do not mistake that playful presentation for who you are, and know, above all, that who you are is what you must share, not the presentation.  I give the greatest respect to a submissive who can flirt, seduce, and show me exactly how wonderful it might be if I could capture her, but at the same time, take those offered moments to emphasize who she is, what she wants, and will not accept my “presentation” as what is real.

You want what you want?  Ask for it, and be real.

The Eroticist