I read this today from a profile on a popular BDSM community site.  “***I am now Under Consideration in trial Ownership as property.  I’m no longer permitted to correspond with any men or Dominants.  Thank you.***”

I see this kind of thing a lot and it astounds me.  A submissive, in this case a woman, simply because she identifies as a submissive, is required to cease communicating with any man or Dominant woman simply because one person who identifies as a Dominant is “considering” a relationship with her.  She is require to commit to this person with no reciprocal commitment.

I can not think of any other relationship where this kind of behavior would be even barely acceptable.  If you go to a job interview, does your prospective employer say, “Thank you for your application.  Until we decide, we expect you to refrain from any other job hunting”?  If you meet someone new, do you have the right to tell them, “I am considering you as a friend.  You may not speak with or contact any new or old friend until I make my decision”?

Reaching the understanding that you find rewards and affirmation by assuming a submissive role to someone you admire, trust and care for does not automatically abdicate your individual rights as a human being, nor does it abdicate your responsibility to care for and value yourself.  Trust takes time to develop.  Channels of honest communication take time to develop.  Just because you envision an eventual submissive relationship with an honorable person does not mean that you must begin with someone you do not know by giving up your responsibility to make wise and affirming choices about how you live your life now.  I would even go so far as to say that someone who requires that of someone they do not know is demonstrating a weakness, not a strength.

In my opinion, social relationships should begin as friendships.  I have no right to make demands of you.  You have no right to make demands of me.  We are in a time of discovery.  What do you enjoy?  What do I enjoy?  Is there a broad area where those to areas overlap?  In time, this relationship may encompass your sexual lives.  What do you enjoy?  What do I enjoy?  Somewhere in there the areas of authority and the exchange of authority/power may, I say may, come into play.  Who enjoys taking a more Dominant role, who a more submissive, and most importantly, in what areas of life do those exchanges come into play?  Through this period, discussion and negotiation takes place.  What authority does one wish to give to the other, and in what areas?  But these discussions are between people of equal value with equal rights and equal personal responsibility.

Through the process of getting to know me, you decide if I am the kind of person to whom you want to give authority over different aspects of your life.  I have no right to demand it.  I must earn it.

You may choose to identify as a submissive.  If you do, I would hope that you do so from an understanding that it is a valued and affirming identity with a vast potential for growth both social and spiritual.  Until you find a Dominant and gain trust in their honor, see that they value you, and find a great deal of overlap in what you both enjoy, it is your responsibility to value and take care of yourself.  If you give that away too early, you do so to your deficit.

The Eroticist

P.S.  I invite comments on other subjects that my readers find important.  I have found that most of my inspiration has come from responding to questions on this and other forums.  I invite more.