I am exploring a friendship with someone a very long distance away.  This relationship is becoming increasingly important to me and so becoming equally frightening and difficult.

Being long distance and so, at this point exclusively textual (I have spoken on this before) it is repeatedly open to interpretative errors and misunderstandings, so I have attempted to be very clear in my messages, repeating them in different ways when necessary, and sometimes when not.

The person with whom I am communicating is a dedicated performer, intelligent and driven.  Because of this, and because of many of the usual, and some unusual interruptions of life, there are times when scheduled or desired communication does not happen, or is interrupted for unknown reasons.

It is in these moments that the demons rise up.  We all have them, they come from each of our histories in the guise of scripts, “rational” reasons, all the fears and concerns that we have learned from previous difficult or failed relationships,  people who have abandoned us, hurt us, or, because of their own difficulties, histories or relationships, intentionally or unintentionally, have been emotionally cruel to us.

These Demons are powerful.  Believe me.  Somehow, particularly in this computer, textual age, they seem to have unusual power.  They work quickly, driving home each of their particular points.  “You did it now.  Whatever it was, she will not be back.”  “She really doesn’t need you.  There are so many others out there who are better for her.”  “Why do you think YOU are important to her?”

It is so easy to listen, and react to their powerful messages.  So hard to remember that they do not come from something NOW, they come from the past.  So hard to understand that if you react to the messages of the past in the now, you confirm them in the other’s response.    Self fulfilling prophesy?

Patience, truly there is little reason to react from that place of fear.  It is really better to do nothing than to react from the past. Difficult, OH yea.  But maybe it is better to just sit, watch the Demons in their dance of fear, let them move on, and let time show you what is real.  Most times, it is far better than you realize.

Remember what you are practicing.

The Eroticist