One of my favorite bloggers is Charlie Glickman.  Hopefully this link will consistently bring you to his lecture on Paul Kivel’s “Act Like a Man” Box exercises.  Charlie is unashamedly gay, and definitely not what you might think of as a Cosmo Girl.  I use the reference appropriately as you will see, as well as the term “Unashamedly” as he has also written eloquently on the place, both positive and negative, of shame in our lives.  I recommend him to anyone interested in further understanding our place with respect to our lovers, no matter who they might be.

What brought me to him this morning was a tweet that mentioned an article in Cosmopolitan.  Now this is not the place I would normally go for valid advice on sexual and relationship matters.  But in the article they post Charlie’s list of 10 Sex Commandments.  While the list in it’s entirety is worth the read, there are some in particular that I want to emphasize.

“3.  Thou shalt never skip foreplay”  I remind you of the phrase, “getting there is half the fun”.  I would say in sexual matters, getting there is about 98% of the fun.  I would even hesitate to use the label foreplay, because all the things that you can do are best done before, during, between, after and beginning again.  While quickies have their place, let us consider the full day.  I suppose this should be merged with “6.  Thou shalt focus on the journey, not the destination”

4.  Thou shalt bring in the toys  Unfortunately I have heard from some men that bringing in a toy to add to their lovers pleasure can make them feel as if they are not enough.  I assure you that is NOT the case.  Being the kind of man who considers all options in the pleasure of his partner will make you far more memorable than one who is exclusively concerned with his partner’s appreciation of his cock.

8.  Thou shalt use your words  While the article mentions gently or encouragingly expressing suggestions as to how you can be pleased, I also suggest words of appreciation, desire, passion, and lust.  Going back to “foreplay”, I recommend highly the use of expressions of desire and suggestions of activities as a warming exercise, perhaps in text messages or on the phone, or as a whispered comment while still in that meeting or restaurant to assist in anticipation.

As I hope you understand by now, communication is vitally important to me.  In sexual and relationship matters it is paramount.  Another list came to me this morning in the form of a video called “Sex Questions“.  While the delivery is a bit rapid for my taste, the content is extremely valid, particularly for those less experienced.

In looking for other lists, I found some that tend towards the ridiculous to the absurd, but there was one other of value, from who else, but Oprah.

I saw a comment that there was one taboo still in strength today in the U.S.  It had nothing to do with doing something sexual, it was talking about it.  We seem to have such a hesitation towards talking about what it is we want, what we desire, what we feel we need in sexual expression.  How in the world will we ever get what we want if we can not ask for it?

So question, and explore the answers with your lover, it is best done before the moment, but even then, and even if it “ruins” the moment, the questions and the answers will be their own moment, and one of lasting benefit.

The Eroticist