I see so many profiles from young people saying so firmly that they are committed to slavery and looking for a Master, or identify totally as a submissive and are looking for a Dominant.  Now for those of us with any experience with on line communities, we know that the vast majority of these profiles are less than honest.  But I wanted to address some thoughts to those that are.

I have said here, and many other places, that the joy and challenge of relationships in the BDSM and kink communities is that there is no rule book.  You can talk to people who identify as “The Old Guard” and even so, the people who actually date to a period of time thought of as “The Old Guard” admit to there truly being no such thing.

I have had lengthy conversations with gentlemen who were introduced into scene life by their parents back in the 60’s and 70’s, in a time when communities were definitely not “Out” in any sense of the word, who later in life found out about other communities totally unknown to them located just a few miles away.  There was no commonality in rules, protocols or relationships between the groups.  Each group developed them entirely within their own community.

So what does it mean to be someone’s “submissive” or “slave”?  Well, I could venture a guess.  I would suppose that there is some level of authority exchange.  One of the members of the relationship gives authority to another member to make decisions for the first.  Beyond that, it is a free ball.  There Are No Rules.

So, for those who put up profiles stating their desire for a Dominant or Master, I think it necessary for you to do some further thinking about these terms and what they mean to you.  If the thinking has been done, then perhaps I mean work in communicating what you desire.

I am not trying to say your decision or choice is wrong for you.  It may be the best life decision you could possibly make.  But the question for me is what does “slave” mean to you?  For it CAN be anything from someone who lives a predominantly vanilla to lightly kinky life, but lives it primarily for the pleasure and benefit of another, all the way to a person who lives in a rusted cage in their own shit, forced to suffer continuing and severe physical torture while being sexually abused by total strangers all orchestrated by their “Master.”  I know of people who ask for this.

But as I have said, in this lifestyle there is no rulebook.  Your life is how you construct it through trust and negotiation with those you give authority.  So coming to an on line community site and saying you want to be a slave tells us, the ones who would be Master, really rather little.

I am unique, as each of you are, and I have my own needs, desires, and opinions.  In my world I believe that if YOU are not satisfied then I will not be.  Others are different.  But I would want to know, clearly and in detail what you see in your vision of submission or slavery, and only then can I tell you if it fits within mine, or, to the best of my knowledge, if it is even possible.

Entering into a relationship as a submissive or slave is a complex decision that can affect your entire life.  You should be able to state whether or not you want it to affect your career, your relationships with your family or friends, your finances, your ability to travel, whether or not you must be “out” to all who know you, if you display marks, the safety of your sexual or SM play, every element of your life.  There is no reason why you should follow the rules of someone you are just beginning to know, just because they call themselves a Dominant.  As rude as it may sound, make them prove it, let them earn your trust, make sure they match you, and the only way that can happen is by knowing what it is you want and being able to communicate it.

The Eroticist