In this age of internet communication and social media, in this time when relationships are easily begun and just as easily blocked, when personalities are presented as things other than what they are, one can spend a long time hunting for someone that matches what they desire.

Every day I see people desperately try to present themselves as the perfect Dom, either immediately being oh so demanding, or commandingly humiliating, or fatherly, or intensely sexual with people they hardly know.  I know, because at one time or another, I have done all those things.

I have admitted here to being an Actor.  For a great deal of my life I have “Performed” not only professionally, but in my attempts at relationships.  There are some things I am very good at, conversation, social graces, and sex are but a few, and I used these talents to overwhelm my prospective partners, much to my detriment, for the result often was that the basis of the relationship was established as, I did the entertaining and the other was entertained.  My fault, obviously, but I have grown tired of it.

So, what to do when what I seek is a long term Dominant and submissive relationship with a highly sexual woman?  Very succinctly the answer to that and how to behave on line is to Back The Fuck Off.  As a very wise man tells me repeatedly, give your partner room to show you what they will do for you.

Now obviously this will do nothing when you are attempting to form a relationship with someone who is not being who they are, but for someone real, someone who truly wants to find someone of the D type that matches their S type, you really don’t have to perform at all.  If that is all that they want, well, they can get that almost anywhere.  It just won’t go far beyond that.

What any relationship needs is to begin as friends, for if it is going to last, it is the friendship that wull get you through the rough spots.  If you are interested in a D/s relationship, it is probably best to mention that, but you don’t have to start out DOing it.  Sit back, watch, and most importantly, listen.  Things will show.  After all, you can not be but who you are.  If she is right for you, it will show.

There are things I watch for now.  Yes, I will usually write first.  Does she answer?  If not, go somewhere else.  If in conversation and something comes up, she says she will do something, answer a question or write back when she says, and she does, if she keeps to her word, that is something worth noticing, and worth complementing.  If, as the relationship progresses, you ask her to call you a particular name because that makes you feel good, and she doesn’t, no matter what the excuse, that says something as well.  The important thing is that they are her choices.  There is no reason to chastise, no negotiation has gone on, no commitment to a particular form of relationship, no pronouncement of rules, you have allowed her to act as she wishes.  But you listen.

Long term relationships are not formed in a week of intense chat room conversation or role playing, or even a month of emails, they are not even formed by nightly phone calls.  They may be maintained by these things, but they are formed by being open and true to who you are, being open to who they are, and listening with a certain level of understanding.  While we talk a lot about all the hot and intense elements of our desired relationships, it must be maintained through the time of sitting in a room doing pretty much nothing, helping the other through stomach flu, doing the shopping, dealing with emergencies, and taking out the garbage.

These are the important parts of a long term D/s relationship and they will sustain you.  Honesty, character, the ability to trust, communication, and an open heart; look for them at the beginning, be open to them, be able to return them, but be open to hearing them from her.  Listen!

The Eroticist