What do you do when someone you have known and loved for many many years suddenly tells you she wants you to hurt her?  She wants you to be rough with her.  She wants to be spanked, to be bit, to be slapped, to get marks from you, marks that last.  First, read this.

You have to understand that she is telling you this because she trusts you.  Most likely, if your relationship has been going on for a long time, she has kept this hidden for an even longer time.  She is telling you this because she knows you, and trusts that you can do this out of love and with no intent to harm her, just with an intent to hurt her.

It is the first hurdle that a caring sadistic Dominant must clear.  How do I hurt someone I love?  Let me tell you, she would not be telling you this if it was not a very powerful need within her.  People do not ask to be hurt, ask for pain, for extreme sensation unless they truly want it.  If you DO love her, you must find a way to show her you care enough to give her what she needs.

This was overwhelmingly difficult for her.  She hid this for a lot of very good reasons.  She feared others opinions of her.  She knew that this was “wrong.”  Wanting this made her “perverted”, “twisted”, something to be laughed at, shunned.  If she ever told anyone before, she was probably told she was “sick” and ostracized.  But now, out of trust, she has told you because the need is still there.  So, what are you going to do?  Will you be like the rest and tell her how “wrong” this is?  OK, say good bye now.  Or are you going to Man Up and show her that you can deal with her deep internal needs?  What does loving her mean to you?

If you are a good and caring man you now have to figure out what it means to be “rough” with your lover.  So let me tell you right off that no matter how many times we, as men, are told that violence comes from a place of  aggression and anger, of being “Tough.”  This is not what she wants and not what you should give.  This violence comes from a place of care, love, and concern for your partner, a place of high sexual passion.  This is not coming from a reaction of yours, it is coming from satisfying a need of someone you love, and you have to learn to be sensitive to her cues.

Out in public, perhaps take her hand, and just place your teeth on her arm.  Take hold.  Bite slowly, you will feel when the flesh stops compressing.  Just hold there.  Look at her.  Hold her eyes.  See the gratitude, the excitement, the sexual heat you are creating.  This is foreplay.  Then after you both feel comfortable, try a touch more.

This is to build passion.  Use it that way.  Play.  If she wants to be spanked, sit proud in your chair and point to your lap.  She will know.  It is a fine feeling to have a woman willingly lay herself over your knees, wanting you.  For that is what is happening.  She is saying in the clearest possibly way that she wants what you can give her.  She is giving you her body.  Take it.  Watch her, listen to her breathing, read her body, feel the pain go through her body as you satisfy her.  Go ahead, ask, “Did you like that?”  She will tell you.  “If you did, then say you should say, ‘Thank you.'”  Or perhaps, “Thank you, Sir.”

Pain is a sexual thing.  So make it so.  Talk about what she wants.  Always watch her.  Give her the sexual pain she wants.  Slap her between the legs.  Twist her nipples.  Bite in the most sensitive places.  But always stay connected.  Do not fear giving her pain, but listen to her passion.  You will, I promise you, feel the rewards.  You are doing this because she wants it.  You are doing this because you care for her and want to give her pleasure.  Yes, pleasure.  You may not wish to change places with her.  She may not wish to change places with you.  But this, this sharing of deep desires, will carry you far.

As you learn to read her, watch as her passion grows.  Yes, include all those lovely intrusive sexual acts, but mingle it with pain.  Tell her she may only cum when you allow it, and as you see her holding it back, give her a hard slap and say, “NOW!” and watch that lovely cascade you have caused.  Keep watching, and as she comes back into the world, see the appreciation.  You have given her what, in many cases, she has never received before.  Passionate acceptance.

Eventually, the next day, you will see marks, scratches, bruises, marks of teeth.  Talk about it.  Tell her how you feel.  Let her tell you what they make her feel.  I would suspect her reaction will surprise you.  They will be feelings of pleasure, reminders of passion.  These are not bruises from angry fights, they are short lived reminders that you love her enough to make a statement, that there is passion between you.

Accept her appreciation.  This may be very new to both of you.  So talk about it, often, and at length.  Begin to tell her what it does to you to satisfy this need of hers.  Talk about what all of this means to you.  Find out what it means to her.  Talk.  Communicate.  You may feel concerned that you are doing something wrong.  But that is your social training.  Do you love her?  Do you want to please her?  You are beginning to share with your loved one areas of yourselves that are desperately important and will bond you together on a level you may have never touched before.  It is a good place.

The Eroticist