For quite a while I have been reading a blog from a lovely young girl who talks eloquently about her submission.  She talks about her deep commitment to her Dominant partner, how profoundly erotic is the relationship and how much she trust him with her deepest secrets.

There is much there that is valuable, particularly for women who are just beginning to accept their submissive and possibly masochistic side.  Unfortunately, what she does not discuss, at least not in any detail, is that her Dominant is at a distance, her communication is on line, she is married to a man in the military, and as far as I can tell, she has not disclosed to her husband either her submissive desires, her relationship with her Dominant, nor the fact that she has declared her love for her Dom.  I do not even know if she talks with her Dominant about her marriage but know that she has not mentioned talking to her husband about her Dom.

This is very difficult for me.  My feelings take me to a place where I believe that deep submission requires deep transparency.  Valuable Dominance requires care for a submissives entire life, all aspects, and the health and growth of all areas of it.  I do not see that here.  I see a woman strongly concerned with her own pleasure, irrespective of any care and concern for her husband, and a Dominant who requires, even demands declarations of deep commitment even when responsibility for that commitment is not or can not be taken.  It makes me uncomfortable.

But Dear Lord, I so want to hear those declarations.  I want to see in the face of a submissive woman that adoration that so feeds me.  I can not help but understand the reasons behind those demands, even when the relationship is only with words, or video, and not a touch, or smell, or feel of breath upon the neck.

I have been in that place where I have struggled for the connection lost, or never completely found between myself and one to whom I have committed.  I know how overwhelming powerful that response to words typed exclusively for you, even without all those other truly necessary stimuli.  I know what it feels like to find some small connection to something I have not been able to share, and how necessary it can become.

That place is not an affirming place, for me and certainly not for the one to whom I have committed.  Yet to move from there requires admissions and declarations of need which can change your life profoundly, permanently, and without recourse.  You can not go back.  No wonder it is so common to live in a place where these things are not acknowledged.

I have often said that there is much for which I would wish in my life that I do not presently have.  There are repeated opportunities in my life to try for things that are almost what I want, where I can get a bit, but know it will not fulfill.  But I have a few friends now with whom I can be honest, who know me.  One, a friend of long standing who shares many of my struggles, and another who I know might wish for those things we could share, but who also understands that there is much about my needs that are not her needs and so the level of commitment she desires would not be affirming for either of us.  We are honest with each other.

Will I find someone who fits the puzzle that is me?  Who knows.  No guarantees here.  But I know that if am not honest with her or them, if I do not continually struggle to be transparent with them and to demand transparency from them, that I will have no chance to find my needs fulfilled.

That is what it is all about.  Isn’t it?

The Eroticist