Posts from the ‘About Me’ Category

Wants and Needs

It has been a while since writing.  For that I apologize.  Holidays, health and births have taken my attention.  But here are some thoughts.

It was often told to me that it is the Dominant’s responsibility to satisfy the Needs of their submissives, but it is their choice as to whether or not they satisfy their submissive’s wants.

To me that seemed a relatively simple, understandable and reasonable statement.  If I am taking some level of responsibility for the well being of this person, much like a parent has responsibility for their child, it is understandable that I would be responsible for their needs, but just because my little girl wants a pony, that does not necessarily mean she will be getting a pony.

But even in Daddy/little girl relationships, understanding the statement is not easily translated into a practical application thereof.  H0pefully we are dealing with adults here, adults who may have had many years experience in deciding exactly what their needs and wants might be.  But deciding the difference between our needs and wants is profoundly different from responsibly deciding what is a need and what is a want in someone else.

The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects.  We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship.  Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere.  In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it.

Let us look at the following example:  The two of you have talked extensively about the mutual desire to broaden your sexual relationship, go for a triad for example.  She may a great desire and vast experience with bi-sexuality, for instance, and truly enjoy girl/boy/girl porn.  She thinks that doing that would be so HOT!  You may feel that adding a third to your family would be a delight.

But then comes the day when the two of you invite some hot and horny woman into your bedroom.  Your partner, with whom you have worked for years so she can feel as open and vulnerable to you as possible, look at you as her guide and director, her adviser and teacher, the one who who she allows within this vulnerability to take her to really incredible heights of sexual passion by all those lovely things that You do to HER.  Now she is watching you do all these lovely things to this other woman who shows incredible appreciation for the passion you are lifting in her and you are sincerely loving that appreciation that previously you got only from your partner, and your partner sees that and suddenly things are not going as wonderfully as you both had anticipated.  This is immediately complicated by her knowing she agreed to this, and it is, after all, obviously pleasurable to you.

Or possibly she has wanted to experience two men all her life, and you find another Dominant and you both Top her and you find her responding to His Dominance as she does to yours, and eagerly following His directions or responding to His sadistic thrills as she does to yours.  Suddenly you do not seem as special in your partner’s eyes.  Your appreciation is just not quite as great.  That disillusionment, in either case, can drag on and effect your relationship for quite a long time.

What is a Dominant, a Master to do?  That is a very difficult question and one I have been struggling with for quite a while.  Let me say now that I do not have an answer.  But I have some thoughts.

Something I dearly wish to avoid are disastrous mistakes.  We are dealing, after all, with deeply personal levels of behavior that are often glossed over in relationships.  Most people don’t do what we do and a disastrous mistake can result in the end of a relationship, particularly in times when people jump into fantasy behavior without thinking about the practical and realistic results.

So my first thought is, Take Your Time.  There is no rush here.  Talking about it is fine, describe it, suggest different scenarios.  Suggest different outcomes, even unpleasant ones.  Talk about how the two of you would handle them.

Then Listen.  You will hear the sincere joy or the concern.  There will always be hints.  Be aware of long pauses with questions such as, “Is that what you want?”  Is she just asking, or is she expressing a deep concern.  Then be honest with yourself?  Is it what you want?  Is it important enough to examine the basis of your relationship, because that is what is required?  May be, may not be.  That is up to you.  But make an honest decision.  If you discover that there is an area of fragility, then it is up to you to decide if your relationship is strong enough to test it or whether or not this activity should be postponed.

Observe.  Does she come back to a subject the next day?  Does she seem unsettled?  As a scheduled event approach is she quieter or are there disagreements over unrelated subjects that usually do not happen?  Does she do her service with less joy?

The question is, is it more important to go forward with an event with the possibility of unsettled issues which can cause difficulty in the future, or is it better to wait, postpone the event, and for both of you to work towards transparency and trust?  Which is more important?  What exactly are Your wants and your needs?  I usually move towards waiting.

The Eroticist

Some interesting blogs on the subject by some knowledgeable people, my good friend and a very KinkyLittleGirl.  A multiblog post from the Submissive Guide, but it aims particularly at how a submissive can discern between Wants and Needs, and not from a Dominant’s point of view.  A longer post from A Submissives journey.  He does tend to tell you exactly what those needs are for all submissive women, and you should know that this site has the following policy, “This website is dedicated to the belief and practice of “Absolute Submission” and “Unconditional Surrender” within the “Ancient” and “Biblical” documented and practiced “Natural Order” of women consensually submitting to men.”  Not a philosophy with which I totally agree, but it is an interesting read.

A Message

OK, I get up this morning and go to the computer to check my mail.

A game that my youngest son recommended is finished loading off of STEAM. (He has recommended the most excellent games to me.  The last one was “Life is Strange“, things new, that I would not have explored, but that are intensely interesting and unique.).  As I am just exploring the beginnings (Fucking weird and intense, it begins with a romance, marriage, then his wife begins getting early onset Alzheimer’s, hospitalized, he takes a job as a fire watcher to get away from it all.  It is called, appropriately, “Firewatch“.)
Anyway, I am playing it when I see what I thought was a fly hovering between me and the screen.  Try to kill it.  Sure I got it, but no.
It ISN’T a fly, it is a tiny spider, hovering, always between me and the monitor.  I reach above it to try to catch the thread of its web to set it down somewhere else, and realize it is not hanging from above, it is floating on air currents from a thread ATTACHED TO ME.  To my glasses.
I take the thread and set him down below the monitor, but he is up and floating again within 5 minutes.  He is telling me something, but I don’t know what it is.  So I stop and think, and let myself wonder.
I do not know what it is.  There is no rule book.  But there is something here that is very important.  When strange things like this happen in your life, LISTEN, even to the very small ones.  They are tiny windows into a world that is DIFFERENT than yours.  These windows are important.  They allow you to see something outside of your life.  I don’t know.  Maybe that is what my spider friend is trying to tell me.
Moments that you do not understand, moments that (yes) confuse you, are important.  They show you that you are NOT all knowing, all understanding, that everything is NOT within your control.  Of course, most people would except that.  They know they can not control everything.  But we think we understand that, and understand the “WHY”.  Even in moments when things are not going our way, we think that “WHY” they are not going our way is understood, something I did, something he did, bad timing, whatever.  But they are not.  In the vast number of cases we do not know, and we certainly  do not understand when they do go our way.
But that is good.  That is VERY good.  That is the lesson, I think.  We have to be comfortable with that.  Life IS a mystery, really, and that is, in a very powerful way, why it is worth living.  It creates Wonder.  A completely understood life is, maybe, a little bit, maybe a lot, boring.
The Eroticist

The Triumvirate, the Third Leg

What is it that brings this full circle?  What gives this glorious BDSM relationship the stability and support that allows it to exist?  It is Obedience.  In the beginning it is obedience to Transparency.  It is said that when a submissive holds something  back, she is taking control of the relationship.  She is deciding what her Dominant should know and what he should not.  She is filtering what she exposes of herself, she is deciding not to show her real self, the whole of herself, she is only giving him the “Mask” of which she approves.  Obedience to Transparency is necessary.

This relationship is based in one person giving to another authority over themselves.  “I give you authority to make decisions for me.”  They do this out of Trust that the person who has authority will make those decisions out of a sense of care, compassion, understanding and some level of wisdom in order to promote the growth of the relationship.  If that is the case, and a decision has been made with all available information, how can that relationship grow without the obedience to follow through?

Within Trust, and Obedience to Transparency decisions can be made for the growth of the relationship and the people within it.

When a Dominant has all the information to make a decision he must be able to Trust that his decision will be Obeyed.  Without that Obedience, the entire structure of the relationship falls apart.  Trust is shaken.  Transparency is shrouded.  The circle is broken.

For a submissive or slave, they must trust their partner to take all the information given, that their Dominant will take that information in confidence and use it with an understanding of who they are as a human being of value, and no matter the submissive’s level of understanding of those decisions, they will obey those decisions to the best of their ability.

For a Dominant, they must trust that their partner has been transparently open to them, trust themselves enough to understand and be transparent about the motives behind their decisions, and trust that their partner will obey their requests.  The Dominant must also seek and obey his own spiritual guidance as to the direction he takes those who have given him authority.

Transparency, Trust and Obedience, the triumvirate that, in my belief, can support any relationship, BDSM or otherwise.  The direction of authority and the structure of the relationship is open to negotiation, but in my opinion, the triumvirate still stands.

The Eroticist

The Triumvirate, the Second Leg

Last time I spoke on Transparency (as I have often and before), and the necessity for those on the right side of the D/s or M/s slash (the s) to be clear and complete in their communication to their partner on the left (the D and M) no matter how contradictory or embarrassing that communication might be.  I also mentioned that the requirements are not quite the same for those on the left side.

I do not mean to say that the Dominant partner in a relationship is not required to be Transparent.  I might even say that the requirements are more severe, for a Dominant must be Transparent to himself.  (Do I need to repeat that I tend to speak of a Dominant Male Sadist and a female masochistic submissive because that describes my relationship?  What I speak about, hopefully, is equally applicable to male, female, Dominant, Master, slave, submissive, masochist and sadist, no matter what combination or pattern your relationship might take.)  This transparency requires a strong emphasis on self-reflection, insight and acceptance.  While it may be quite difficult for a submissive to admit to their Dominant their most embarrassing thoughts and desires, it may be quite a different degree to admit and accept them as part of yourself.  For a moment, try to think of your most embarrassing, possibly disgusting desire as an integral element of who you are as a human being, a necessary part of the wise, compassionate, intelligent creature you believe yourself to be.  For that is what it is.

I want to emphasize that this difference in requirements is not a power play.  It is not the Dominant saying, “You have to do it, but I don’t.”  As my good friend Skip Chasey said, a Master has to keep one step ahead of his property.  A Dominant has to be in a position to see just a step further, and to help his slave or submissive see that further distance can require the Dominant do things without telling his property why, for to tell them why may work against them.

To be transparent to yourself or to your partner requires a deep level of Trust.  Trust that your relationship is bigger and broader and far more firmly based than whatever it is that is going on inside right now, trust that whatever filth you dredge up will be accepted by your partner with love and compassion, trust that whatever pain you expose will be accepted, trust that whatever is asked of you is asked with wisdom, compassion, and respect.

If you find someone you can trust, trust deeply, whose wisdom you respect, respect to the point where you choose to give them authority over you, the only way they can truly take that authority and make the right decisions is by having all the information you can give them.  That is all your wishes, all your desires, all your fears, your pain, your uncertainty, your misgivings.  How else can they know what to do, what is best for you?  How else can they take the responsibility you wish to give them?

When you get to the point where you trust yourself, trust the benefit of your dark parts, when you find someone whose heart is strong and open to you, someone who you trust to share the whole of you, someone who accepts that whole, when you trust yourself to take responsibility for that person, for that relationship, that is the point when you can begin to ask for the third leg of the Triumvirate, obedience.

The Eroticist

When a house is a home

I am not quite there, but I expect to be soon.

Those who read here know that I have been in the process of buying a house.  It is in a northern suburb of Austin Texas.  I do not truly feel I am a Texan, but I am realizing the innocent misunderstandings of youth about what it is to be a Texan.  I am in the process of getting to know my neighbors, making places within this house to hold stuff and placing my stuff in them.  I am buying shelves for the garage, investigating the attic, replacing lights and fans, painting walls, buying rugs, and wondering what in HELL I am going to do with my back yard.  I don’t even have a lawn mower and I have trees to trim.

But I am meeting kind and generous people. discussing the ins and outs of a new neighborhood, getting help from neighbors and giving help to them.  In other words, I am finding my community.  It is a good thing.

But it takes time, important time, but time, and I am only now getting back to previous tasks which are also important to me.  But so I do and tomorrow will be my next post.

See you then.

The Eroticist

A very short post:

I am now in Escrow to buy a house.  It is not the first house I have bought, but it is my first house.  As my wife said a month back, when she bought her house, “This is the first house that will be all mine.  I expect to die here.  It will be exactly the way I want it to be.”

It will be an adventure.  The geometrics of it all, the reality tunnel, will be unique and incomprehensible to me.  But in a very real sense, that is the way of life.

Look upon a lake at night.  Watch the reflection of the moon.  No one in existence has ever seen or will ever see what you see.  The entire universe is conspiring to bring that to you, to give that beauty to you.  Respect it, and say thanks.

The Eroticist

Exxxotica, Dallas

I know, I know, I have promised far more posts about my trip to Chicago, and I do hope to continue.  However, there was much physical and emotional preparation to be done as I now had an opportunity to attend the Exxxotica in Dallas, a new and exciting event for me, with some interesting new dynamics.

The most exciting part about it was that I was able, for the first time, to take my puppy bear with me.  She is an excellent spokeswoman and was an incredible assistance with her organization and ability to describe a bit of what it is like to be at the other end of the whip.  She was also able to talk knowledgeably about being the supporter (usually called the submissive/slave) in a Leader/supporter (D/s, M/s) relationship.  The Exxxotica Dungeon is often filled with more “Dominant” or “Top” types and it is harder to get that kind of personal information.  I could not have dealt with the vast numbers of people who came to the Dungeon without her help.

The other exciting participant was my lovely friend “Frau Blundt” who readers know from many Chicago Exxxoticas.  She was there in great glory passing on her tutelage for any of her “loving little boys and girls”.  Though I think it might be best for her to speak for herself, with her permission, I may be allowed to speak a bit on her engagements with not one, but two different Batmen.

But what I wish to speak about most is the somewhat unusual situation we found ourselves in due to some concerns with the Dallas populous.  I certainly understand the concerns of Dallas Women’s Foundation President Roslyn Dawson Thompson and Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings.  I am glad to see any organization stand up for people wishing to leave any form of sex trade and anyone who has read my blog should be well aware of my strong position against abuse of women.   I am aware of many strong positions on sexual abstinence and encourage anyone of strong religious belief to refrain from engaging in practices which go against those beliefs.  I am sure it was considered necessary to sign the documents we did restricting our dress, requiring us to refrain from touching any exposed flesh, and even possibly the paragraph stating that we had to immediately cease any of our educational activities in the Exxxotica Dungeon if there was any verbal indication that any visitor was “enjoying” it or “moaning” in any way.

However, though I would like to believe that the protesters in front of the entrance were motivated by their spiritual love and care for their fellow humans, I am not sure that was sufficiently conveyed by their shouts of “Whore”, “Child Raper”, “Cock Sucker”, to anyone passing by and their signs saying, “You deserve to be Raped” and “God Laughs at your Rape”.  I  am reminded of the kind of treatment that many homosexuals have and still receive from people professing a wish for the benefit of others.

I remember when a girlfriend of my youngest child mentioned in passing her attendance at a club I knew was aimed at the more kink friendly people.  Knowing she was a seminary student, I asked her why she went there.  She told me that the people who go to clubs like that always seemed to respect her more, and never argued when she said, “No”.  But when she went to “vanilla” clubs, she had to deal with unwanted touching, rude comments, particularly when alone, and people who would not take “No” for an answer.

While I do understand that Rape happens, that women are abused, and that many people do need assistance leaving a lifestyle that is unpleasant for them, sex and erotic joy is not the cause of those things.  Sex is used by people who have issues with hate, personal inadequacies and their own feelings within themselves.  Perhaps they should become more comfortable with themselves and the wide range of caring human sexuality before they cast their hate upon others.

The Eroticist