Posts from the ‘Presentations and Events’ Category

Late Announcement

I will be on Dr. Bob Rubel’s webinar this evening 6p Pacific (9pm Eastern).  You must sign up for the class, but they are free.

The subject is  “I want a Daddy” – Nurturing Relationships with Arach and Brett – What is a Daddy? Do Daddy’s play sexually with their little girls/boys? Is this incest or age-play? There seem to be a lot of questions concerning this structure. Daddy/girl relations are unlike Daddy/daughter relations that are unlike Daddy/little relations that are different than Daddy/boy or Daddy/boi structures. Join us as we explore some of these structures. We encourage your input if you participate in one of these forms.

I know this is a late announcement, but I hope to see you there.  You will even get to see my new haircut.

The Eroticist

Continuing BonB

I will continue my description of my delightful weekend at Behind Closed Doors – Mutation but I have a need to express a bit about a dear girl previously mentioned here as BonB.  I wrote extensively about my relationship with her beginning here and continuing on for several – more – posts.

This is a situation with which I have little experience.  Before we met she had made a commitment to herself that she would leave much of who and what she was behind to go on a vision quest to a far away place in Europe for study and introspection, searching for the cause and enlightenment within a life changing experience that happened there several years before.  That commitment had been made before but was delayed, I think, due to a beginning involvement with a new man in her life at the time.  I feel that is significant.

This commitment came from a deep soul level understanding that her previous experience was not complete and that she was, not only ready for this life changing experience, but demanding it.  Strangely, due to that commitment, she decided to re-experience her previously abandoned interest in areas BDSM by coming to Exxxotica in Chicago.  There she observed the following.

This video captures the moments the day before we met.  She observed this scene and found something there that peaked her interest.  Though she had intended to come to Exxxotica only one day, she returned the following day and introduced herself.  And so it began.

So here we were, through time and connection, visits to Santa Barbara and moments, the intensity of which are difficult to describe, we passed through conversations (I think we maxed out at eight hours on the phone in a day) and intensive struggles with the upcoming parting and the possible permanence of that, we moved through a long period of “Do we stay connected, or does that allow an ‘out’ or ‘escape’ from the previous commitment to the quest?” and it’s subsequent approach/avoid moments of parting and re-connection.  Here I think is the significance of the delays caused by the previous man in her life.  Again she was ready to go.  Again she had a new man in her life.

Suffice it to say this was not a stress free transition.  There were arguments, accusations, and emotional conflicts comparable to any teenaged romance, and through it all were deep discussions as to what was necessary for a commitment and the inevitable question, “Can you/I commit to your/my vision and to me/you at the same time?”.

Within those conversations was a discussion of how one holds to a commitment.  One can create a situation where they have no choice, create a situation in such a way that backing out has such a high cost that it is the cost itself that holds you to the commitment, or one can accept that one always has ways to back out and it is the constant choice within ones self that holds you to it.  I can not say which is best.

But what I can say, and did say, is that I will not allow myself to be the out, the escape, that will cheapen her commitment. The results of that would be to cheapen my commitment to her, and that I choose not to do.  So, I blocked her phone, removed my “friendships” and posted “Do Not Disturb” on Skype.  My care and deep consideration for her does not allow me to accept an approach if it detracts from what I wish for us.  The only way to respect what I would wish for us is to give it up.  A phrase keeps passing through my mind of the old New Englander standing by the barbed wire saying, “Nope, can’t get there from here.”

And what is the result of all of this?  The strange conundrum that it was She who found the video I linked above, who posted it on her FetLife wall with great joy.  And it is I who write this blog,  to communicate the continuing importance of her in my life, knowing she will read my words, though we do not speak, nor touch, nor look into each other’s eyes.

And so it goes.  WOHIWYAtB

The Eroticist

Behind Closed Doors 2012

I have just returned from an excellent weekend in Tucson at Behind Closed Doors – Mutation, run by the Baja Arizona Leather organization and run and created by the phenomenal Jefferson James and his good lady Lois, both of whom did a Phenominal job this weekend involving a great deal of work, both physical and negotiational.

The drive was…tiring.  Timing was difficult coming from Santa Barbara as no matter what you do, you hit either Los Angeles or Phoenix at rush hour, sometimes both.  I left Thursday presuming that there would be things I did not wish to miss on Friday, only to find that the first event was the cigar social in the evening.  But it was nice to have the day to relax and spend time considering my presentation, “Sexualizing Your Scene.”  A subject dear to my heart, as well as other……ah…..well, anyway.

The Cigar Social was delightful, I was able to meet many new people.  Sometime you should ask me about ashing or cigar play.  I do not smoke much any more, and when I do, I like to take full advantage.

Saturday started with a Discussion by Master Todd and his slave elisabeth on “Myths, Rumors and Realities:  WTF is a 24/7 M/s Dynamic”.  I had not met these people previously and was impressed by their intelligence, information and humor.  There was a lot of requested audience participation, which I enjoy, but I have to admit that part of my enjoyment came from my agreement with their philosophy.

Some important points were that each partner must come to the negotiations from a place of power.  If you do not feel you have any personal power, how can you negotiate its exchange.  Conversely, why would you want to give your power to someone who had none of their own.

We talked about how the roles of Bottom, Submissive, and slave, as well as Top, Dominant, and Master are not steps in a progression.  While you may experience each of those roles, each are unique to themselves and one is not “Less” or “More” advanced than another.

Internal enslavement was discussed as well as the possibility of Love in a M/s relationship and the responsibility of a slaves mistakes belonging to the Master.

I know I am giving short shrift to much of this, but I went to five different classes as well as giving one of my own, and there may be other things to mention as well.  Did I mention Toys?

In the late morning was Jefferson James and “Forced Sex Role-Play (FSRP)”  Yes, the word is “Rape” but the emphasis is on Role Playing.  This means we will do our best to make it seem real while at the same time it is Not.  There was a lot of show and tell as far as toys and tools, gags, and script.  But the most significant statement for me involved negotiation.  “I will not do anything outside of our negotiated limits, but that does not mean I won’t say I will and do my best to convince you that I will.”  When we are dealing with play that purposely engenders fear, there are some tricky distinctions.

After a lunch which had drama of its own came a presentation by Michael Sol, capped rope gentleman on “Erotic Rope:  Connecting with your Bottom.”  While I had come to this presentation because I had an important friend who had a great interest in rope bondage and wanted to learn more about this very broad field and while I felt that connecting with my partner was a very high priority, I did not expect the intensity and spirituality of Master Sol’s presentation.  There were many moments when I caught my breath and fought back tears.

It began with a moment that absolutely emphasized my own interests.  Master Sol brought out a beautiful young girl who removed her clothing to display a rather simple rope dress.  Master Sol then slipped another rope underneath the rope crossed at her belly and asked everyone to be as quiet as possible so they could listen.  He then began to move dance like around his subject and slowly run the rope back and forth under the dress.  The quiet swoosh of the ropes passing over each other soon became mixed with the change in breathing of his subject, then her increasing sounds of arousal.  True music.  An erotic commitment.

One new understanding for me came from the description of a tie.  For those in the know far more than I, they will understand that a tie is a particular form of rope arrangement for purpose or decoration.  Yet, the issue came from different people coming forward with different depictions of this one tie.  Which one was the correct form for this tie?  What brought me to a new understanding of rope bondage was that the tie depended not on the lacing and knotting of the rope, but on the bodily structure of the subject tied.  In other words, each depiction was correct because it was on a different person.  I have reached a far greater appreciation of the art of rope bondage and will take more time with learning it.

There was another play party that evening, but again I did not attend as I was partner-less and tired and had a lot to do the next day.

So endith Saturday.

The Eroticist

BonB for Dinner

So Exxxotica is finished, I am having a delightful time re-exploring my old home town.  (Raised from year 1 in the same house on the North Shore outside of Chicago all the way through my college years.)  I had a needed opportunity to see my admired and loved cousin and his good wife and I met up with three high school friends with whom I was VERY close through the High School years.  One in particular who I had wished fervently to jump the bones thereof.  Rested, enjoyed, and had a truly delightful time.

One particularly enjoyable afternoon was spent with the girl I call BonB, the reasons for that being in an earlier post.  She had written me saying she knew I was in Chicago for an additional week and she was open to getting together as she knew I enjoyed “Cuddle time” particularly after a scene.  Good, nice to get that sort of thing, and we got together for a bit of SM play and a vast amount of extremely good, wide ranging conversation.  We talked about each others interests, limitations, particular desires and approaches towards the world.  Limits here are particularly important, and if you do not remember, it would be best, for the purposes of the next two posts, to review her approaches to submission, being a little girl, and honorifics such as “Sir”, “Master” and “Daddy” and understand that she had a very busy schedule and her time was totally limited.  So it would be possible perhaps to see each other once, in the afternoon, but probably that would be all.  (Her laughter at this moment is beginning, along with a certain level of enjoyable discomfort.)

But to explain a bit about the dynamics between myself and this delightful woman, I should tell you about the third time we got together in Chicago.  (Yes, I did read the previous paragraph and realize the dichotomy between her stated lack of time she could spend with me and the following week.)  OWS and I spent an incredibly enjoyable afternoon in the Millennium Park area (which has changed radically in the last 40 years).  We walked through the towers of water, watched many young ladies getting extremely wet.  (A quality I greatly admire in a woman.)  And sat and napped with our feet in the water as a most beautiful moth rested on my knee.

The evening was spent at Pegasis Restaurant and Taverna on their their rooftop looking through the Chicago skyline where we had extensive appetizers and Greek beer and wine.  A bit later we were joined by BonB who I greeted by slipping my hands up the back of her head and tightly holding her hair while retaining her intense bright blue eyes before a kiss.  It was a good moment and set the tone of the evening.  We then retired to the table where I fed her whatever food she wished.  By the way, I mean that literally.  She never used a utensil.  That was pertinent at our next dinner, the fourth time we got together, and yes, I did read that paragraph above.

Conversation was casual and delightful, despite what my hands were doing under the table.  The food and service was excellent including a quite casual and humorous relationship with our waiter.  When the rain began, we sat and watched, enjoying it emensly, until BonB stood up, leant backwards over the railing and opened her mouth.  I can safely say it was to the delight of many of the observers thereof.

So where does this go, this seemingly momentary relationship with this delightful and most masochistic of women?  She is a strong willed woman, truly an enjoyer of life, with a strong sense of independence and little patience for submission, obvious verbal statements of respect, and a laughing acknowledgement that some people seem to like the Daddy/lg dynamic but “reeeeallllyyy?“, all dynamics that I respect and desire.  Sigh, ah well.  But I had to acknowledge that she was incredibly masochistic, which I enjoy, and an overwhelmingly competent communicator, which I respect as an absolute necessity.

Well, I did have to go home to Santa Barbara, and there was a difficult issue there.  Neither my cousin nor my good friend OWS could get me to Midway due to work and other commitments, and public transportation did require several different forms of transport and transfers and the expectation that it would take a very long time.  I hesitantly asked if BonB would consider taking me, and she immediately offered.  One very nice woman, that.  I am not sure how it came around, but there was also an invitation for Dinner with me and OWS that Sunday night before my Monday flight which was also quickly accepted, that being the fifth time we were to get together, paragraph above considered.

OWS outdid himself.  The dinner was exquisite, beautifully prepared and served.  The first of many amusing moments was when we sat down to eat and BonB took an inordinately long time to begin.  It was only after a long wait that it came out that she did not know if she was to eat or be fed, and was waiting for me to make the first move.  That went right by me I am ashamed to say, but was easily resolved.  Another quite pleasant moment involved whipped cream, berries, and delightfully naked breasts.  Fun for all.

Somewhere that evening I mentioned to BonB that, in fact, we would have to leave quite early to get me to the airport the next morning, and though I did not really know where we might sleep, it seemed appropriate for her to spend the night, if she was comfortable with that.  She replied that she had come with the full and complete expectation of sharing my bed and was prepared and to stay the night when she left home.

Yes, I know, the paragraph.  But a very good girl.

That night, the morning, and a parting gift will make up my next post.

The Eroticist

Relationship skills

I am finding at this time that it is difficult to remember what happened on which days, so if chronology seems a bit strained, please excuse me.

As you hopefully know, I tend to emphasize relationship issues.  It is what particularly moves me, it is what I desire.  Casual play is fun but the goal for me is a long term deeply bonded relationship.  What is necessary is a relationship with the person with whom I play.  Good play is an astoundingly powerful connection event and for me that is a major part of the reward.  Well, OK, it is also hot as hell but that is actually secondary to me.

I have talked a lot about communication skills and these come powerfully into play when applied to negotiation, safety, and connection during play.  Obviously you would want to express your honest thoughts, whether it is strong desire, inexperienced interest, interest with hesitation, concern or firm refusal.  You should be willing to talk about a wide range of subjects, health issues, sexual issues, traumatic history, being specific about where you like, and don’t like to be touched, what kind of stimulation you enjoy and what kind you do not.  You should have a lot of questions.

One question you should repeat often is, “What do you mean by that?”  We all use words and assume they have the same meaning to the listener, when often they do not.  So ask…repeatedly.

I mentioned in my last blog that there was someone there who paid a lot of attention to my scene with the paddle.  She later commented that she saw me take the time to talk with the young lady, the negotiation and questions, and enjoyed watching the activity of the scene.  In other words, she observed.  The next day, she came to me and asked to have a scene with me.  We talked, she requested that she be tied up and paddled.  She told me that she had bruises from the day before, but would like me to continue on them.   While this is not necessarily a good thing for long term play, the body does need time to heal, I felt that one short scene would do no damage and it was what she wanted.  (I am a pleasing kind of guy.)  So I introduced her to an excellent rope man who tied her and stayed by to check on any possible rope issues.

But what was most notable to me was that she informed me of pertinent issues and told me exactly what she wanted.  She communicated and did so clearly.

The scene was truly quite astounding.  We stayed close, checked in, and felt a strong sense of connection.  I still remember the powerful expressions on her face when I clenched my fingers in her hair.  I do feel free to say “We” because we had the opportunity to connect several times before I flew back to California and this emotional connection was confirmed between both of us.

She was a very impressive partner.  She observed and so came to knowledgeable conclusions.  She communicated clearly about her desires, experience and concerns and possibly more importantly, listened with attention.  The time to follow the convention only confirmed my view.

The Eroticist

Willing Participants

While I often wander around the convention hall with my single tail and handcuffs, cracking as sort of a “Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Thy Dungeon is open for the Interested”  The best time of all is spent in the play space talking to people who have serious interest and explaining, in a small part, what we do, how we do it safely, why we enter into these kinds of relationships and what we feel is important.  Unfortunately it is also why I have little voice at the end of a three day weekend.

I was given a lovely present by Mistress Cee this year.  A video was taken of a short scene of mine with a lovely girl in blue shorts.  Obviously I offer it to you here.  You can hear that to a great extent, you can not hear, thereby extending the deepness of my voice.  But I can tell you that I was honored many people in their requests for a small bit of my attention.

I mention one because of particular significance.  She expressed a desire to experience a higher level of pain than most beginners and so I spent some time discussing things with her.  We played for a bit involving a rather severe small hardwood paddle, and since she was rather small, I had to adjust her position by taking hold of her shorts at the belt and lifting her body into a more appropriate position.  The paddle leaves some rather significant bruises of a particular sort, somewhat like opposing parentheses “()” with a white space in between.  But, obviously, only if used at a level high enough to leave such bruises.  After the scene we had some smile worthy cuddle time, and I presume and sincerely hope she went away happy with her experience.

Another significant aspect of that scene was that it was observed with great attention by another young lady while she was being tied up and bruised by another artist at the convention.  There will be a great deal more about the results of that observation, but that will come later.

Suffice it to say at this point that Saturday was an interesting day filled with several quite pleasant opportunities to educate, good discussions and demonstrations.  It was an eleven hour day, filled with great fun and new friends.

Much more to come.

The Eroticist


I am just back from a truly glorious twelve days in Chicago.  The trip was basically for two reasons, as many of you know.  The first, for Exxxotica, three long days midst masses of eye candy, quality presenters, and vast quantities of willing participants.  The second to visit, reconnect and share with relatives, old friends and quality people from my life in that delightful city and the suburbs thereof.

All of this is far more than I care to delineate in this single post, so I send you all a teaser.  The events of this trip were enjoyable to the extreme and has potential to be far more, but all of that will come out in following posts.  At this time, let me say that Exxxotica included an overwhelmingly delightful, but quite small cage, which many of the presenters STILL remember, a well used spanking bench, a significantly observed demo, a brown hardwood paddle, and marks upon marks.

The visits to friends included overwhelming generosity, a vast amount of Brazilian music and stories, deep sharing between friends, good food, phenomenally beautiful lightning storms, foot baths, conversations in multiple languages, visiting bugs, and a new friend about which I can speak for days and still not touch the joy and possibilities.

The Cage

One of the quality pieces of “furniture” supplied to Mistress C’s excellent Dungeon at Exxxotica this year was an Iron Cage.  A description is in order before you can truly visualize its significance in the following scene.  It was free standing consisting of square tubular metal bars on five sides, the final side constructed of three barred doors, each about one third the total height.  But to understand the joy of the following event, you must understand that it was only two foot square top to bottom.  This is not particularly constricting for one person, and it was quite fun to put a lovely lady in the cage, handcuff her hands through the top bars, and then tip the cage over a bit.  It usually presented a rather wide eyed expression for the resident.

I believe it was Friday when I had a conversation with a beautiful young lady in, if I remember correctly, a rather tight dark dress.  We discussed many things, the responsibilities of a submissive, those of a Dominant, and the purpose of requesting to cum.  She was in the cage through most of the conversation and I was outside.  It should be noted at this time that I was also demonstrating the use of a Brookstone pressure vibrator.  This is one that turned on when you pressed it firmly into, at this moment, different parts of her body.  I think this was why we were discussing the purpose of requesting to cum.  (I do hope she remembers the point I made.)

Anyway, while this conversation was going on, I noticed another quite attractive young lady who seemed either particularly interested in our conversation, or rather taken by my demonstrated use of the Brookstone device.  Either way, after asking the current resident, I suggested that the observing young lady might like to join in the demonstration.  She did.  I then informed her that of the three doors available for her to enter the cage, there was only the bottom one that was unlocked, so she would have to get down on her knees and arrange to stand, in that increasingly limited space, next to the current resident.  All parties seemed to express happy anticipation and watching her accomplish that delightful task seemed to be very pleasing to the growing audience.

Well, the conversation and demonstration of the Brookstone device continued.

The whole event got kicked up a notch when a quite beautiful young lady in the audience commented quite loudly on how pleasant it all seemed.  Well, what was I to do?  But after checking with the current two residents of the cage, we all agreed that it would be most enjoyable to have her join them as well.  You should know at this point that this was a truly lovely woman, a few inches taller than either of the current residents and built appropriately.  But she was a very able participant, and watching her crawl through the lower door and work her way up to standing in that cage, making a population of three in a barred in area two foot by two foot, was a sight worthy of loud appreciation.

As far as my personal joy, I think the high point was when I was demonstrating the use of the Brookstone device as it might assist in well…..possibly a breast exam, and had the inestimable pleasure of inserting my hand and forearm quite far into the rather limited area between six (yes, count ’em) six quite lovely breasts.

The entire moment was capped by the first sweet lady looking at me rather plaintively and saying that she had to go, and my realization that she was, at that point, opposite the door.  Again, what was I to do, but with a mixture of sorrow and joy, allow her to exit, as she could, between the other two ladies (now, I am sure, quite close friends), and crawl out the bottom door.  I am sure this all would have been much easier if I had had the keys to the other two doors.  But I didn’t.  What was I to do?

Well, this was one of the obvious high points of the first Friday.  There is more to come, but that will be told in further posts.  Shamefully, I have to admit that there is no way you could enjoy this as much as I did.

The Eroticist