Posts from the ‘Being a Daddy’ Category

Exxxotica 2015 Part Trois, Lilly

In my first post on Exxxotica 2015 I mentioned the lovely Lilly, a beautiful young masochistic rigger, a possessor of the most astounding breasts and caring heart, who had just lost her Daddy.  First I should say that she has found him again for which I am very glad.  For a strong “little” it is terribly difficult to be without her “Daddy” and I am pleased she is home and happy again.

Lilly, Tied

Lilly, Tied

I first met Lilly back in 2012, I think.  She was running a booth alone and in my wanderings away from the Dungeon I stopped to talk.

Trade fairs are created for businesses and companies to promote and sell their product.  Customers go to these fairs to see what new products are available, to examine them, sometimes handle them, and see if they are attractive.   But in Exxxotica and other fairs like them, much of the “products” are people.  This can create a very different dynamic.

If you are lucky, when a movie is promoted, you have an opportunity to come up to some famous movie star, talk to them, and  come away with a feeling that you have had some small opportunity to actually get to know someone you have seen on the screen.

But the movies and photos here are specifically intended to attract your sexual interest.  And here the human brain can (sometimes?) get confused.  After all, these people are selling themselves as sexual objects.  That is their business. Unfortunately, the buying public can, at times, mistakenly believe that they have some right to, shall we say, pick the product up of the shelf, see how it feels in their hand, take the product out for a test drive.  The professionals, in turn, have to walk that delicate balance between allowing the customer an opportunity to feel that desire they want, but not allowing the customer to take unwanted liberties, a balance of charm and distance.  This is very difficult when you want to convey availability, have a body you want to advertise, wear very sexy clothing, and have hundreds of people through a three day weekend who want your time, your attention, your sexuality, your body, and want it all with absolutely no investment of care or responsibility except for a little cash on hand.

I can tell you, I do not believe that I could accomplish that as a career.  So, I  try very hard to be charming, polite, complementary, and respectful to the vendors at the events.  It is important to me, in order to be the man I wish to be, to treat these people as people.  You will be surprised what can happen.

So, I talked with Lilly about what brought her there, what kind of things she liked, mentioned the dungeon and what we do there, found out she was a little, and an appreciable masochist.  (For those who do not know, in my experience, a masochist is someone who derives benefit from extreme sensation.  It may turn them on sexually, it may quiet their over active brains, or it may just show what they are willing to endure for their loved one.)  Anyway, each time I wandered the floor, I would stop, see how she was doing as far as sales, admire her truly phenomenal breasts, and ask how her feet were holding up.

I saw her again in 2013 as she had a booth that year as well and over the years, we chatted many times on FetLife.  I missed 2014 as I was in the middle of a move, but told her that I hoped to see her at the 2015 Exxxotica.  She said that was not to happen, that she was no longer with her Daddy, and could not afford to get a booth at the event.  Well, I did not think that appropriate, and so began a convoluted series of phone calls and negotiations with many people and organizations to see how it would be possible for her to attend, even if she could not have a booth of her own.  (Expensive things, that.)

I won’t go into the details of all the possibilities missed and hit upon, suffice it to say that she was able to attend the entire three days and work in the Dungeon as (I was surprised to find out) she was quite an accomplished rigger (one who works with rope).  But the greatest honor for me was that she asked if I could substitute as her Daddy for the weekend.

Hmmm, let me think.  What was I to do?  Take on the overwhelming responsibility of giving her hugs, kissing the top of her head, sitting with her when we had a break, encouraging her, watching out for her, being there if there was a problem that I could fix, paddling her ass, flogging her, occasionally squeezing her breasts, and having her give me loving smiles.  Hmmm, yea, I could do that.  Yes, there were some problems that needed fixing, but all in all she was a loving and lovely girl that I was glad to have around.

We did have a talk on the last day about how I had a committed partner at home, that we lived far from each other, and that I did not want to stand in the way of her finding a Daddy that was right and good for her, and thankfully, she understood, has found her Daddy, a relationship that, I hope, will be a long and mutually rewarding one.  She is a good woman, and deserves much.

The Eroticist

Lilly as her little girl

Lilly as her little girl

A Tumblr post

Yes, I know, I have promised to post more on Exxxotica, but I got hit with some additional surgery, and I am recovering, so just wait, ok?

However, in my bed of pain I ran across a tumblr that truly impressed me.  It is the first I have ever actually chosen to follow rather than just stalk.  It is obviously from a person of intelligence and and literary acumen.  Good photos and excellent texts.

On it, today, I found the following interchange, though the actual post is from a while back.  That interchange was originally on this blog.  It just pointed so squarely to so many of my issues within the BDSM community that I am FORCED (ahem, yea) to quote it.  Because I have not yet received instructions as to how to handle his links, I will some within []s.


Anonymous asked:

Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

Original post answered:

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new Doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a Dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a Dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met [My pet] 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a Dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL Domly Dom, I would’ve demanded those things.

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A Dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A Dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A Dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A Dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A Dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A Dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A Dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A Dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A Dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A Dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A Dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A Dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a Dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

So what does it mean, then, to be a Dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a Dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with [my pet]. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a Dominant does too.

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a Dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a Dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.


I could not have said it better myself, though I am sure I will continue to try.

The Eroticist

 

Love, Obedience and being a Master

I have been talking quite a bit with close friends and important advisers over the past few weeks about what it is to be a Master.  Many areas of discussion came up, one of the most important was the emotional care and involvement that a Master feels towards those who give them authority over them.  His love for them, if you will.

Assuredly this comes directly from my own point of view.  I have heard strong arguments from many people that you can not maintain a D/s or M/s relationship if you love your s-type.  I disagree.  But this involves something quite different from what is usually experienced in the Vanilla world as “Love.”

I certainly can not say this is true in all cases, but I do believe in most.  In Vanilla relationships there is usually little discussion as to what the actual relationship entails.  What does it mean to be married?  There are assumptions, many of them, but few discussions.  What does, “Head of the Household” mean to you?  Which one of you will be the HotH?  What expectations does one partner have about the other, “now that we’re married.”  How does either’s behavior change?  Though I would guess that both people expect it to change.  I doubt that there is much discussion about what those changes might, or should be.

So what happens often is that the relationship changes through a sense of appeasement.  Internal negotiation, if you will.  “Ok, this doesn’t seem to be working, maybe I should change, maybe I should try things this way.” rather than sitting down for a time of clear, introspective communication.

It is my opinion that one of the greatest advantages of a D/s or M/s relationship is negotiation.  While just as I said about vanilla relationships, I can not say this is true in all cases, I certainly would hope it is true in most.  Before entering into a D/s or M/s relationship there are extensive discussions about what one person would be to the other.  What are each person’s responsibilities?  How is one person to behave towards the other, though these roles and responsibilities may be quite different for each partner.

But this negotiation, this questioning back and forth, each (hopefully) asking the other, “What did you mean by that?” this does not, in any way, preclude a deep and overwhelming love and affection from each for the other.  What it does do (again, in my choice of relationship) is add to that love an understanding of expectation.  We understand what is expected of the other, and what is expected by the other.

One of the most important elements of those negotiations and expectations is the element of obedience.  It is often said that in an M/s relationship there is only one rule, obedience.  But there are many forms of relationship outside of M/s and many levels of obedience that are required.  In any form of negotiation, honesty, commitment and clear communication is necessary.  What you have said you will do, you are expected to do.  We are, after all, dealing with relationships where the transfer of authority is central.

If a commitment is made, it must be held to.  If the person giving authority has the ability to choose, after negotiations have concluded, to take back that authority, to willfully disobey a “request” in an area where they have given authority, that is a challenge to the basic form of the relationship.  It is destructive to its core principles.  It is an end point.

It may be easy to view the Dominant, the Master, the Authority as that strong willed person who sets the rules, holds the authority, punishes the transgressor, and if the commitments are not held, if the relationship falls apart, walks away with confidence and little regret.  Of course, the ability to do that, to see that the relationship is not working, and to call it, is truly vital.  As a very wise mentor told me, “Make the vocation of mastery more important than the relationship(s) in which that vocation plays out.  In other words, stay true to your calling and do not betray yourself in order to save, salvage or appease a relationship…any relationship.”

But that, in no way, means it does not hurt.  It comes with a sense of deep loss, a feeling of personal failure, and a questioning of your own value and understanding.  It can be devastating, and require a time of recovery and healing.

Unfortunately, to be a Master, you must take  that responsibility.

The Eroticist

A New Submissive, Children and Finding Someone On Line

I apologize for taking so long to get back to Exxxotica, and this will only be delayed further as I have a heavy weekend ahead and I was recently asked to comment on some important issues.  A young mother expressed to me a growing interest in the BDSM lifestyle and an interest in finding a relationship on line as she was a single mother and felt strongly about the protection of her child.  She had no experience in finding a BDSM partner and wanted some advice as to what direction to take.

My answer was the following:

There is a truly HUGE amount about which I would wish to comment.  I will try to hit everything, but again, it is a lot.  It is important, but it is absolutely my own opinion.  My puppy bear is a lovely submissive and strongly masochistic woman with two preteen children.  I have asked her to add her thoughts.  Those will be in italics.
So, the subjects you bring up are, in general, the following:

1)  Being a Mother and keeping your sexual life private from your child(ren).

TE:  To be honest with you I will tell you that I am a Strong believer in open and honest communication, particularly with your children.  However, there are a lot of caveats there.  If you are dealing with children young enough not to understand the difference between your unique and private personal family lives and what you freely share with your second grade class in “Show and Tell”, then a large degree of decorum must be maintained.

I do not believe it appropriate in any way to invite your underage children to participate in any way in your sex life whether it be the purest Christian Vanilla Missionary style or the kinkiest form of erotic SM play.

However, no matter how private you keep things, it is inevitable that something will happen and questions will be asked.  It is at that time that an honest discussion must be had.  But there is no reason why you have to pour out every detail of your intimate flow of juices to your curious child.  If, for instance, your child asks why she heard Mommy yelling last night, I feel it totally unnecessary and dangerous to begin to develop a long story about how Mommy fell and hurt herself.  In my opinion the Best answer is, “Well, I will answer honestly, it has to do with Mommy and Daddy’s sex life.  Everything is good and loving and wonderful between Mom and Dad (or Mom and her friend) and no one was hurt.  We were having fun.  Do you want to know more?”  And in most cases, the answer will be “No”.  Kids usually don’t want to know about their parents making the beast with two backs, or whatever, so don’t bother going ahead with explanations they don’t want to hear.

An exploration of what they really ask about, and an honest answer will go far further in building a good relationship and trust between you, than any level of “protective” stories.  Kids really do know when you lie.

Again, this is my opinion from bringing up two happy and healthy boys in a house with my single tail collection hanging on my office wall.  If they asked, I answered.  Both boys have their own lives now, and are exploring their own individual choices within an atmosphere of great love from both their parents.

PB:  First off, I completely understand the desire to ‘shield’ your children from this part of your life all together.  That would be so much easier in so many ways.  But…..at least in my case, I have found that nearly impossible.  I agree that honesty is the best course of action….but I, myself, would likely buffer that transparency a tad.  First off – if your children are in the house then use a damn gag, for goodness sake.  Even the most well-adjusted, calm and open-minded child will NOT want to hear their mother screaming – be it from pain or pleasure.  I think a simple answer that divulges as little as necessary is appropriate.  ‘Yes, even grown-ups like to pretend sometimes and the handcuffs are fun when I am pretending to be captured.’  I have a much harder time with the topic of marks on my body.  Children (mine, at least) seem to not quite get the concept of privacy and so it has proven impossible to hide all marks on my body from them.  Personally, I have not done a good job with this one.  The result is that my oldest is aware of something….she is embarrassed by any marks that may show outside of my clothes…but I don’t think she really knows what they are from…and of course we all know the stories an imagination can create absent the truth are usually tenfold worse than the real thing.  

2)  Exploring a relationship on line.

TE:  I am aware of many people who have on line relationships that are healthy, affirming and rewarding.  I also know many people who have on line relationships which are not.  I think the most important thing to understand is that an on line relationship is not the same as one in real life for many different reasons.  It is not a practice run, it is not “almost” a real life relationship, it is different.  It is on line, and because of that, in my opinion, it is based almost entirely in fantasy.

Over untold ages humankind has learned to observe those with whom they interact.  Body position, tone of voice, eye movement, smell, hand movement.  Now that we communicate so much by text we tend to feel that these things are not necessary to communication.  But I say they are.  They are, in fact, so necessary that we imagine them as we read, just as when we read a novel we imagine the actions and behavior of the participants.  But here is the issue.  We are the ones who are imagining.  It is not coming from the person sending the text.  So in a way, it is like getting text with all these question sheets, and we fill them out with all the answers that confirm what it is we want to hear and not necessarily what it is that is being said.

So, eventually comes the actual meetings and the overwhelming surprises.  Since I presume you do eventually want a lifelong relationship with your ideal Dominant, now comes the unfortunate process of unlearning what you have now learned on line, and adjusting to the reality of person to person interactions.  Believe me. They be different.

PB:   Are you interested in an online relationship to help keep distance between this and the rest of your life?  If so, it may suffice…..but keep in mind that if you find the D/s dynamic truly fulfilling you may likely long for more intimacy, contact and ownership than a virtual r’ship can provide for you.  My first exposure to D/s was online and I felt it was a good ‘warm-up’ to see if I really enjoyed this sort of thing….sort of a low-risk trial period.  But I found, pretty soon, that I wanted much more than an online situation could provide.  Technology certainly helps with this sort of thing….it is possible to feel connected, aroused, pleasured together even though separated by miles.  But, personally, I found it very limited and unsatisfying fairly quickly. 

3)  Deciding on what kind of relationship you really want.

TE:  This is, by FAR, the most difficult step for both a submissive and a Dominant.  We are not taught in this society to look into ourselves and accept who it is we really are.  We are primarily taught to observe what society and our friends and our teachers tell us we should be and should want, and to model our behavior to match that in order to be accepted and safe.  But for many of us, sooner or later, as you are discovering, that structure of behavior just don’t make it.  We find that we can not maintain the role.  This is not a bad thing.  But just because it is not a bad thing does not make it an easy thing.  I freely admit that it was and is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and it is absolutely ongoing.  It does not stop.

So it is time to start.  It requires you to clearly envision what you want to get, what you want to give, and how that is to be done.  It requires research.  In other words, you have to begin to learn what is out there and all the different and strange kinky things that people do, and decide if that is for you.  The easiest way to do that is to read and research on line.  When you see something, or hear about something and finally understand a bit about what that actually entails, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It will tell you a lot.  If you feel yourself getting breathless or want to read the passage again, or watch the video again, that really is saying something to you.  This is something you want to approach.  If you read or view something that really sort of bores you and you move on quickly, think about it.  WHY is it uninteresting?  Is it the behavior, the relationship you assume, or is it possibly frightening?  All good reasons to, at this time, avoid it.  Perhaps it would be good for you later, perhaps not.  But there is no reason for you to pursue now.  Remember:  This behavior is for you  and no matter how “submissive” you wish to eventually be in a relationship, it is still, now and for all time, for your Pleasure, Enjoyment, and Fulfillment.

Finally, a caveat, while movies, clips, books, stories, and many internet sites involving kink and BDSM life can go a long way to introduce and inform you about what is possible for you, they are primarily written, filmed and produced to titillate and attract, not necessarily to inform as to reality.  A simplistic example would be that it may be incredibly hot to imagine being strung up in a closet all day while your Master/Owner goes off to work.  It is also a good way to die.  Bondage seems simple, but it causes more injury and death than any other form of play in which we engage.

PB:  I find this is SUCH a difficult question to answer…..not to mention that it is often a moving target.  We are constantly evolving and so what it might take to make us happy will likely evolve right along with us.  I like the concept of imagining the RELATIONSHIP you want vs. the DOMINANT.  It helps you focus on what is really important.  Personally, I have only begun to be able to think in concrete terms about what I want after real life experience.  Submission and this type of dynamic was too unknown and nebulous for me to be able to form intelligent ideas of what I did or did not want.  I found talking through this with a trusted member of the kink community immensely helpful.  

TE:  So, with the above three discussions you might get the impression that I truly recommend a difficult level of honesty with yourself and those you most love, and a strong recommendation that you can learn FAR more from real life encounters with real people than you can just reading, watching and interacting on line, all of which is true.  But there is a LOT more I would wish to say before THAT step is made.  That brings me to issue #4.

4)  Keeping yourself safe.

I do not know your location, so some of what I say might be difficult.  I was introduced into the public kink scene while I lived in Los Angeles and I had a multitude of different venues to choose from at which to learn, see demo’s and meet a wide variety of people, both good and bad.  It was a fine and valuable education which formed a great deal of what I recommend.

I think the first thing to do is to contact a large and reputable community as close as possible to you,  Yes, on line, but eventually in a place you can visit.  There are many all over the country.  Though the broader site does not have one particular location, I strongly recommend FetLife.Com as a community to explore.  It is world wide and has an overwhelming number of smaller groups for specific locations.

Once you find a local, or close community, attempt to connect with people who are like you (particularly if you and they have young children, for they have delt with the same issues) both in situation and in inclination (a relatively young submissive woman, masochistic if you are).  Talk, Take your time.  Understand that on many different levels You Are NEW MEAT.  While that is a direct warning to avoid immediate contact with the large number of Sexual Dominants (both heterosexual and lesbian) who will approach you, it is also a warning against people who want you to immediately join this group because they want you to understand right away how much better they are than that group.  Unfortunately that attitude is rampant in the lifestyle, no matter what part of the country you are.

Eventually, you will want to go to some form of community gathering.  They come in all flavors.  Public gatherings at a restaurant (munches), educational events, lectures or demo’s, and, of course, the play party.  If you have talked and gotten to know someone of your inclination, go to one of these events when you can meet them.  You will be introduced and probably almost immediately approached by someone who is just the most perfect person that can possibly be.  Ah, probably this is not the time to go off and have a private meeting with him so he can tell you how the BDSM scene really is, what a “real” Dominant is, and how a “real” submissive should behave towards them.  Now is the time to go home, take a Big breath, and see how all this sits inside.  Then, when you are absolutely and totally comfortable, go again and do the same.

Are you hearing me?  What I am saying is Take Things Slowly.  You will not want to.  You have just discovered Nirvana, a release from a state of suffering.  But sweet, most precious, unique and special person, you still have a lot to learn.

If, at any time, in this slow and lovely process, you see someone whose style, look, behavior and words seem to attract you, then it might be time to ask around a bit.  Does he already have a submissive, in which case it might be reputable very good to meet and talk with them both?  Is he or you interested in a multiple partner family?  If he is single, has he had submissives before?  Talk to them.  Why is the relationship no longer active?  Are they friends?  What is your take (Listen To Your Body) on the submissive?  After this, then you might want to talk to the actual Dominant.

I can not tell you what an overwhelming complement it is to be approached by a submissive who has done her homework, has learned about you, knows a lot about what she wants, and freely admits that she is attracted to you.  It is a truly wonderful place to start negotiations.

Whew:  OK, Negotiations.  Remember, you may be a submissive, but you are not anyone’s submissive.  You are still your own woman with your own needs and wants and every right in the world to get exactly what it is you need, and maybe what you want.  There is NO reason why you should be overly deferential or submissive to this person.  You should be polite and confident.  An oft used phrase of mine is, “I would far rather have the momentary submission of a Queen, than the abject slavery of a wretch.”  Submission is in no way subservience.  In my relationship I want self confidence, pride, character, and insight.  How much more valuable that is.  I want every gift my submissive can give me, and I can not know all the many gifts she has.

Finally, if your situation precludes the possibility of exploring within the context of a community and you are eventually forced to meet a prospective Dominant on your own and possibly on his turf, do a great deal of research on safe meetings and safe calls.  I can not emphasize that enough.  If you ask I will explain.

PB:  Definitely look into Fetlife and find the groups near your area.  There will likely be some sort of submissive group that could be a good place to start looking for friendly faces.  Even if you aren’t ready for anything local, there are several online submissive groups that would be useful for you to listen to and learn from.  But please do remember……each path is unique.  Listen and learn how others handle their kink lives and remember those things that resonate with you, discard the rest.  If you are willing to meet folks in real life,  I strongly suggest, as Arach did, that you start out S-L-O-W.  This can be VERY HARD to do…..talk about a kid in a candy store!  But you really want quality over quantity.   Get to know folks, socialize only, for awhile…..find one or two Dom/mes or tops that you feel comfortable with and who have a good reputation (asking for references is common and expected) and just spend time slowly exploring what is available on a play partner basis versus a Dom/sub relationship.  This will help you build up that description of the relationship you want, without complicating it by attaching it to one particular person.  As you learn more and gain a better understanding of yourself as a submissive, it will be much easier for you to determine those qualities in a Dominant partner that will fulfill you.

TE:  I hope what I have said has brought up untold questions and would hope that you ask them all.

The Eroticist

For the Love of a Submissive

This was quoted in a Tumblr gathered by my puppy bear and I found it spot on.  After a bit of looking I found the original here if you wish to follow.

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Dominant Traits – Submission is Earned Not Ordered

In my seemingly endless quest to identify and describe the essence of Dominance and submission I have often found it easier to describe what it is not versus what it is. My writing it turns out has been less an act of description and more an effort to identify boundaries, framing D/s into something coherent and tangible. So once again I am going to begin with the contrast of what Dominance is not, and in so doing hopefully allude to what it is.

The greatest misconception I see from aspiring and wannabe Doms is that Dominance is about asserting active control and giving orders to satisfy one’s own desires. There is no doubt that the carrying out of commands can be a manifestation and indeed a fringe benefit of being a Dominant, but the selfish motivation is all wrong. Hubris, hedonism and narcissism are not the bedrock on which Dominance is built. Indeed, they are the enemy and even antithesis of successful dominance.

A submissive does not initially kneel because she has been ordered to. A submissive kneels because a Dominant has entered her world who recognized her deep seated need to kneel before another and serve them completely. But she does not kneel simply because she is in the company of one claiming to be a Dominant. Rather, she does so because someone has finally proven themselves worthy of her gifts and has successfully unlocked her desire to grant them without reservation.

The Dominant does not accomplish this through orders but rather through patient questioning and attentive active listening. The Dominant does not order a submissive to her knees to serve him but rather creates an environment of trust, desire and anticipation within which the submissive falls to her knees in devoted service of her own volition. Despite the pornographic BDSM imagery of force and even brutality and humiliation between a Dominant and submissive, long before there is kink and physical power exchange there is generally a full and complete emotional exchange of power. This is not done through bludgeoning or brutality but rather through patient and loving drawing out of desire. It is coaxing not command.

When my Muse first knelt for me I did not order her to her knees, she asked permission to do so. My job as Dominant was not to command but rather to enable. She reached the decision that I was the one she wanted to kneel before on her own. I simply created the environment where she felt comfortable, safe and desirous of doing so and I have the duty to continually and unfailingly nurture that environment for as long as our relationship continues. It is work. It is hard work.

A Dominant doesn’t get to enjoy this level of devotion and service by sitting back imperiously giving orders. They do so by continually and actively investing in the betterment of the relationship and the people within it. That means not only continually working to draw out the best in a submissive, but also continually seeking to be a better and more worthy Dominant. It is an active pursuit that takes hard work and unflinching dedication.

It is true that as a Dominant I get to give orders and often benefit directly from their being carried out; it is indeed good to be in command. But while I may be in command today, I have to continually earn the position, and could lose it in a heartbeat through misdeed or neglect. It is a revokable honor. But I did not gain the status of command by giving orders. I can give orders because the position of command has been granted me by a submissive. This is a distinction that seems to be lost on many.

Menacingly snarling out orders like “On your knees slut” does not make anyone a Dominant, but being a Dominant earns the ability to give such orders. Before any of that, the respect and desire of a submissive must be earned and that is an act of drawing out, not commanding. Only after submission is truly earned and freely given can a Dominant presume to have the right and ability to give orders. And even at that, obedience is only obtained when there is will and desire to do so. It is the job of the dominant to foster that desire.

I would argue that the title of Dominant or Master is NOT something one confers upon oneself as I so often see here on Tumblr and elsewhere. It is an identity and honorific that is earned from and bestowed by a submissive. I may believe myself to have a dominant personality, but I am not a “Dominant” or “Master” until a submissive identifies me as hers and we agree to that relationship. Anything less is mere posturing and bluster.

So the bottom line is that submission is earned not ordered. Dominance is a gentle act of drawing out not commanding; indeed it is a high form of seduction versus brutality. And while Dominants have egos, the act of dominance is not an ego-driven domineering state. It is perhaps most surprisingly an act of vulnerability and love.

© For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

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The Eroticist

What is Important

My life does not point towards the business end of things.  Even in creative endeavors, that part of it has always been difficult for me.  But I have often found great personal wisdom from Seth Godin.  Case in point, today’s was about the difference between speaking, and speaking up.

I have chosen, in this blog, to express my feelings, views and opinions about what is euphemistically called “The Lifestyle”, how it is expressed and how it is lived by myself and those that I am able to observe around me.  Hopefully I have not just been speaking.  The blog this morning has prompted me to look at what I feel is important within all of that.

I live in a contradiction.  I enjoy the application of severe and painful sensation to other people while not desiring it for myself.  I get sexually excited by forcing that sensation on women, expect them to get sexually excited from receiving it, and expect them to accept that with little complaint.   I desire bonded relationships with multiple women and do not feel it necessary to give them the same right.  I believe it appropriate to cause emotional stress, apprehension, fear, insecurity and difficult challenges to my partners while expecting them to support, please and serve me.

This paints a picture of a severely inappropriate person (to put it very kindly) who should definitely be avoided.  Yet this is what I feel is important.

It is important to be clear, direct, honest and forthright with any partner or prospect as to what I want and what kind of activity I enjoy.

It is important for me to talk with, discuss, and explore the feelings of any partner or prospect and be totally assured that they want the kind of relationship I desire.  This includes questioning them and myself to be assured that this desire comes from a place of health and self assurance and not from a need to act out a deeper trauma.

It is important to continually examine and re-examine my own feelings and desires and communicate to my partner any changes.  It is important to continually question, discuss, and explore my partner’s feelings about what it is they want in our relationship.

It is important that no matter what extreme of disparity in roles, behavior or expectations we have developed and discussed in our relationships that all people within those relationships are held to be of equal value and respect.

It is important to work towards personal growth in myself and assist in the growth of my partners moving towards a goal of physical, mental and spiritual health in each of us and in our relationship.

And it is overwhelmingly important for me and my partners to work towards a life of passionate joy and to do whatever we can to pass that feeling on to those around us.

Be who you are.  Be honest about it.  Help the others in your life to be who they are.

The Eroticist

Questions and Answers

I ask you your feelings about things because I want to know.  How do you feel about that?  Do you like this? Do you want to go?  Where’s your head?  Do you trust him?  Why are you saying yes?  Why no?  Why?

When I have the answers then I have an understanding of the elements I need to make my decision.  But, I will be making the decision.

That is why we choose this relationship.  I am in charge.  I have the responsibility to take us in the right direction.  I wish to make the right decision, an informed decision.  So I will ask for your thoughts, your feelings, your reactions, your desires.  But do not think that I am seeking to please you, to do as you wish.  Though your pleasure is important to me, it is not my goal.

I will look at your answers.  I will weigh them.  I will balance them with what I know about you.  I will consider if they come from a clear space or one clouded by insecurities and tapes of the past.  I will judge if they come from your needs or your desires.  I will decide if they are for our benefit.

For I want where we go to be a place of balance, of growth, of safety, joy, knowledge, and yes, pleasure.  I will ask, seeking to know anything that you may know that I do not.  Then I will spend a long time asking WHY.  WHY do you feel that way?  WHY do you answer in that way?  What is it that I hear that are not in your words?  Because I need to know.

I need to know so I will make the right decision.  My decision.  My responsibility.  Mine.

So tell me.