Posts from the ‘Dominance and submission’ Category

Exxxotica 2015 Part deux, BonBlundt

So, plans are made to go to Chicago, and I know that BonB will be there.  We talk many times on the phone and reminisce about our time in Santa Barbara, two years ago.  So many elements of our play go through our minds, strong emotional humiliation, deep submission, violent sadomasochism, and dedicated service.  I ask her to write me letters on what she desires from me and send a list of button issues (areas which I can use in emotional humiliation play) and to be sure to get tested for STIs.  She will be my transportation for the week and we will be spending a lot of time together.

Through the period of these phone calls, she was called overseas again.  This presented some problems and her occupation with things there and quickly changing events in her life added to some communication issues between herself and overseas medical professionals preventing the correct tests being done and got in the way of letters being written.  To explain a bit from my point of view, being in a position of Dominance, it was perplexing why, what I viewed as simple requests for information would be impossible to do within a relatively long period of time, but I understood her life was quite busy at the time in ways I did not know.

When I arrived in Chicago and saw her, with great joy I grabbed her and squeezed her breast and immediately bit her. Her reaction, however, was surprising.  It was comprised primarily of anger and distance, and mine was a resounding, WTF.  Over the next few days, every attempt to approach her in ways that were familiar to us seemed to result in distancing and anger.  Please understand, I believe this was as much a surprise to BonB as it was to me.

By Friday, the first day of the convention I had seen many things drop away.  Most, if not all sexual attraction towards me, any form of sadomasochist play, and much of the sense of joy of service due to a growing feeling of distance.

At the convention, I asked her to walk around the convention floor as I cracked my whip and “shilled” for the Dungeon.  It is a wonderful area for flirting and I wanted to experience what it would be like if we were able to flirt together, as we had previously discussed.  Sigh, that too was to pass.  As we walked the floor, BonB expressed her feeling that she was just a passive follower with no purpose, was not engaged, and felt useless.  I had No idea what to do and where to go.  To end it all, at the after party, I made a futile attempt at humorous humiliation which resulted in her leaving the party and going to bed.  I spent the rest of the evening sitting with my friend Lili (to be discussed later) and wondering what to do.  Nothing that we had discussed was left.  I did not know where to go.  I was the Dominant.  This was my responsibility, and it was going horribly wrong.

I wish I could tell you the exact moment this happened, the exact progression of thoughts or decisions, but once realized, it was absolute simplicity.  BonB, the girl I had known in Santa Barbara, was a lovely girl in her mid 20s who was going through a tremendous number of changes.  She had just, that weekend, decided to explore her interest in BDSM again after a long hiatus.  She had tickets to leave her home, friends and family and move, perhaps permanently, overseas and explore a new life, new country, and new relationships.  She was ready for a change.

Well, she changed.  What were we to expect?  Though it surprised both of us, the girl I knew in Santa Barbara was not the girl I was with in Chicago, and the only way to find out who she was, was to allow it.  LOL, this can sometimes be a challenge for a Dominant.  But I swear to you, the most enjoyable moments I have had in any relationship were moments when I could remain, or at least struggle to be, detached from what I would want to be, and actually discover what was.  This is a very hard lesson, but one that is worth the effort.  It is ongoing.

So we were there to show anyone who expressed interest, what we do and the undercurrent of joy, communication and love that can (and should) drive us forward in our play and relationships, no matter how UNequal and violent it may seem to the outside.  I can not remember who suggested it, but the thought came up that my dear BonB should show her Dominant side, her Hunter.  After all, my interest was primarily to show pretty little girls what it was like to be on the cracker side of a whip, why shouldn’t she show her skills to the pretty little boys?

So she went to the bathroom and emerged as the strict and powerful, FRAU BLUNDT, hair in a severe bun, corset, and black, tight skirt.  From that moment on we consistently worked back story, character, relationships, and intention of “zee goot Frau” and through Saturday and Sunday I saw this delightful woman truly rejoice in her ability to hunt for, charm, capture, and “correct” a gaggle of young men into her service.  When I could, I mentored her in added ways, almost plots, I suppose, to create a reason for her to “correct” and “teach” these poor wayward boys into appropriate appreciation for her strong willed ways.  It was a true delight to see.

The most amusing moment for me was when  she was applying the dragon’s tongue to the back of a young man who had VERY responsive skin.  When she finished, we all talked for a bit, and as he was facing her, I was the only one noticing that there were many marks on his back that were getting redder and redder as we talked.  After a while I asked him to turn around to show the good Frau Blundt the results of her work, and as he did, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped in almost childlike joy and astonishment.  I absolutely cracked up.

The funny thing, at the end, was that once all our expectations were dropped, once how it was supposed to be was given up for a discovery of how it was, that opened up additional doors, or possibly reopened old doors, and Frau Blundt joyously took on the responsibility of service to “her Superintendent”.  While it was not in any way what we had both thought it would be, it was far better than we could have imagined.  That took a great deal of strength on her part, and I am proud to have seen it.

That pride also goes to my wondrous, most loved puppy bear, who also had changes to go through.  But that will be told, in part, at a later time.

The Eroticist

 

Going Home

It is that time of year again when Exxxotica goes to Chicago.  There be my old home town and I greatly enjoy the visit with old high school friends, relatives and significant others, OWS in particular.  I have been involved in the Exxxotica Dungeon for 3 maybe 4 years now and truly enjoy my time there.  Besides being able to wander around a huge convention full of porn actresses and kinky people pointedly cracking my whip, I greatly enjoy talking to the many people there who have interest in, but do not have much experience in or knowledge about the scene.

I am constantly surprised at the amount of preconceived misconception there is about the scene, how you should behave, or what the acceptable roles might be, and I greatly enjoy politely telling people, “ah, well, that is not really how it works.” or “You know, there is no rule book.” or informing them that there is nothing in the scene that says what they want to do is not acceptable.  The kink and BDSM lifestyle is about releasing you from the constraints that your environment and society put on you, not about forcing you into a new set.

I am proud to announce that I have also been asked to give some demos and/or lectures for Swingzotica, an event that is happening inside of Exxxotica for lifestyle members.  (jeesh, “Lectures” sounds awfully grown up.  I prefer to just dialog, you know, talk.)  But those will be happening after Exxxotica closes each day.  If this branch of the lifestyle is of interest to you, I encourage you to look into it.  I am told that they will have a specific area of the hotel all to themselves, but you should hurry, as at last communication, there had only 5 rooms left.

I will do my best to inform you all of the delightful events happening.  But that may not happen until I return home.  I will be lucky enough to have the assistance of BonB, an international actress and educator, who long time readers may remember from my blogs on Exxxotica 2013.  (If you want to know that story, you will have to ask.)  She will also be representing Kinky Kolledge.  She is an excellent communicator and will definitely be able to convey insights into the right side of the D/s, S/m slashes.

I look forward to seeing you all.  Please let me know if you are a reader.  I definitely want to meet you.

The Eroticist

Love, Obedience and being a Master

I have been talking quite a bit with close friends and important advisers over the past few weeks about what it is to be a Master.  Many areas of discussion came up, one of the most important was the emotional care and involvement that a Master feels towards those who give them authority over them.  His love for them, if you will.

Assuredly this comes directly from my own point of view.  I have heard strong arguments from many people that you can not maintain a D/s or M/s relationship if you love your s-type.  I disagree.  But this involves something quite different from what is usually experienced in the Vanilla world as “Love.”

I certainly can not say this is true in all cases, but I do believe in most.  In Vanilla relationships there is usually little discussion as to what the actual relationship entails.  What does it mean to be married?  There are assumptions, many of them, but few discussions.  What does, “Head of the Household” mean to you?  Which one of you will be the HotH?  What expectations does one partner have about the other, “now that we’re married.”  How does either’s behavior change?  Though I would guess that both people expect it to change.  I doubt that there is much discussion about what those changes might, or should be.

So what happens often is that the relationship changes through a sense of appeasement.  Internal negotiation, if you will.  “Ok, this doesn’t seem to be working, maybe I should change, maybe I should try things this way.” rather than sitting down for a time of clear, introspective communication.

It is my opinion that one of the greatest advantages of a D/s or M/s relationship is negotiation.  While just as I said about vanilla relationships, I can not say this is true in all cases, I certainly would hope it is true in most.  Before entering into a D/s or M/s relationship there are extensive discussions about what one person would be to the other.  What are each person’s responsibilities?  How is one person to behave towards the other, though these roles and responsibilities may be quite different for each partner.

But this negotiation, this questioning back and forth, each (hopefully) asking the other, “What did you mean by that?” this does not, in any way, preclude a deep and overwhelming love and affection from each for the other.  What it does do (again, in my choice of relationship) is add to that love an understanding of expectation.  We understand what is expected of the other, and what is expected by the other.

One of the most important elements of those negotiations and expectations is the element of obedience.  It is often said that in an M/s relationship there is only one rule, obedience.  But there are many forms of relationship outside of M/s and many levels of obedience that are required.  In any form of negotiation, honesty, commitment and clear communication is necessary.  What you have said you will do, you are expected to do.  We are, after all, dealing with relationships where the transfer of authority is central.

If a commitment is made, it must be held to.  If the person giving authority has the ability to choose, after negotiations have concluded, to take back that authority, to willfully disobey a “request” in an area where they have given authority, that is a challenge to the basic form of the relationship.  It is destructive to its core principles.  It is an end point.

It may be easy to view the Dominant, the Master, the Authority as that strong willed person who sets the rules, holds the authority, punishes the transgressor, and if the commitments are not held, if the relationship falls apart, walks away with confidence and little regret.  Of course, the ability to do that, to see that the relationship is not working, and to call it, is truly vital.  As a very wise mentor told me, “Make the vocation of mastery more important than the relationship(s) in which that vocation plays out.  In other words, stay true to your calling and do not betray yourself in order to save, salvage or appease a relationship…any relationship.”

But that, in no way, means it does not hurt.  It comes with a sense of deep loss, a feeling of personal failure, and a questioning of your own value and understanding.  It can be devastating, and require a time of recovery and healing.

Unfortunately, to be a Master, you must take  that responsibility.

The Eroticist

The submissive’s choice

First I should apologize for my extended absence.  I am an artist by trade, if you can actually use those terms together, and have just finished three shows, one quite major.  Immediately following that, I was lucky enough to have some surgery from which I am still recovering.  All is going well.  But these things did occupy my time.  Glad to be back.

In my reading of letters and questions from submissives I often hear questions such as “Is it OK for a Dom to share his sub with others even if she doesn’t want to?”  Or perhaps, “Does a submissive or slave have to give over her finances to her Dom or Master?”  I would hope your answer to either of these questions would be “It depends on the relationship you negotiated.”

I sincerely have a vast respect for anyone who chooses the submissive or slave lifestyle.  I believe it can be a fulfilling and empowering position which can promote great growth.  But I question any who enters into it from a submissive or slave headspace.  Yea, I know, that sounds somewhat contradictory.  If you feel yourself to be a submissive or have a slave heart, how can you drop all of that when looking into the actual relationship you desire.

My reply is, how can you enter into a submissive or slave relationship by giving up your choices and needs to someone you do not yet know or trust?  You are entering into a relationship which may require vastly differing forms of behavior for you.  You may be told you can not use the furniture or wear clothing in your house.  You may be told you must perform sexual acts that are extremely unusual to you.  You may be told you must give up your career or family or friends.  You may be required to undergo body modifications from the simple to the extreme.  You may be treated in the most extremely disrespectful of ways.  Or you may not.  Do you know?

The question is, before you to commit to these changes in your life, do you know what they will be and have you considered if they are changes that you want?  My feeling is that you can not make these decisions in a headspace where you have already given over your personal power to the other.  You have to make these decisions as a calm, self respecting, competent, strong willed and independent person who has done extensive introspection, education and self examination.  This is negotiation, after all and you should enter into negotiations knowing what you want out of them, knowing where you are willing to compromise, and, most importantly, knowing what the possibilities are.

I often say, the best question is, “What do you mean by that?”  Consider the statement, “I like a bit of humiliation play.”  What, then, is humiliation to you?  What is humiliation to the other?  And what is, “a bit”?  If a form of behavior or play is unfamiliar to you, do not use it in negotiations until you understand it, and understand how the other is using it?

Understand your own needs and limits.  If a limit is not mentioned, does that mean it is open and acceptable to cross, or does it mean that when it does come up, it should be negotiated before being crossed?  Future negotiations are part of negotiations.

Are you willing to give up all rights to renegotiation or will there be times when open and honest feedback is requested by your Dom or Master?  Will that feedback be respected?  The one command may be “to obey”.  Does that mean you have no right to question or perhaps inform?  Are you always to do exactly and only what you are told, or are you able to add to your service from your own creativity?  Questions, Questions, Questions.  Until you negotiate and understand and agree to the elements of your relationship, you have the right, responsibility, and indeed obligation to come to the negotiating table as a self confident equal, with equal rights and equal value.  If you can not do that, learn how before you negotiate.

Please understand, there is nothing wrong with the most extreme forms of imbalanced relationships.  If you have competently negotiated a relationship where your body is modified to be a caricature of a person, and you sleep in a box in your own feces, to be brought out only to be sexually abused by multiple people (that is sort of an extreme of what I DON’T want in a partner) and you have negotiated, understood and chosen that position from a confident communicated position, bless you, and dive right in.  It is your choice.  But if you don’t ask, if you don’t communicate, if you do not demand the kind of relationship you want, desire and need, do not be surprised by what you get.

Until you give up responsibility in an educated and committed way, the responsibility for what you get is yours.

The Eroticist

Appropriate Questions

It has been a long time since I wrote.  My mind has been on establishing relationships, becoming comfortable in new communities, establishing a new presence and occupation in my new home, and discovering new places for me in the world.

Today I think about questions and the responses they engender in my own mind.  What questions are important in a relationship, particularly at the beginning, particularly in this strange lifestyle we call BDSM.  So before I move on, I want to ask you, my readers, what questions you would ask or want answered within yourself and by your prospective partner when beginning a relationship.  Seriously, I want to know what is necessary for you, what is important.  Send them as comments or write me directly.  I want to know.

I recently saw a post from a young submissive who said she needed help.  The question she gave me was, “How can i better serve?”

My answer follows:

OK, that is a very open ended question and has a large number of possible answers.

Look at what you are good at. What was the original attraction between you?  Was it your beauty, your sensuality, your willingness to throw yourself into his direction, your enjoyment of extreme sensation, your knowledge and expertise?  What was it that attracted you to him?  What do you want to encourage in him?

Is your relationship based in a sexual relationship, service relationship, play or SM? Is it a 24/7 live in relationship, a long distance, primarily text or phone relationship?

Have you asked your Dominant/Master what it is that he wants most?

I suppose what I am saying is that the first step to any form of service is communication. You should work towards clear, transparent channels between you.

This may mean the first efforts should be within yourself. What is it that you want? I do not mean that in a demanding, get what you want kind of mode, but that you have to know what you want so you can tell your Dom/Master clearly. Inform him. Only that will allow him to make the right decisions. Obviously, he has to do the same. He has to know what he wants, so as to clearly inform you in how to please him. So communication comes first.

The next thing, in my mind, is to spend a lot of time examining your assumptions. The most valuable question to ask is, “What do you mean by that?” I have said many times that there is no rule book here. You both have to discover what the other means. An amazing amount of stress cam come from assuming you know what a word means to the other. What does “Service” mean to you? What does it mean to him? ASK! Be clear!

Do you want to serve him in any way possible, even if it is incredibly uncomfortable to you, painful, just because you are tremendously affirmed just by serving him? That works for some people, but do not assume it is what he wants, nor what service means. If it is not something that truly affirms you , but it is something that he wants, that dynamic will work against your long term relationship.

Conversely, if you assume that is what he wants, and so do things that are truly difficult for you when what he wants is to excite and astound you, then when he finds out you are suffering, he will be hurt and disappointed. He may not wish to be hurting his toy.  Do not assume. Find out.

Puppy bear, my partner, would not argue one bit with the thought that I am a strong sadist. But many sadists would argue with that term because I love a classical masochist, a pain puppy who wants me to hurt them until the only thing they want to do is fuck me. I have been told, “You’re not a sadist, you’re a very nice guy.” But that is because sadism to him was making his partner suffer, for him.

Every term we use in the lifestyle is open to personal interpretation. So ask, “What do you mean by that.” It is a very valuable discussion.

There is nothing wrong with questioning the orders or directions of your Dominant.  It shows you wish to understand.  Questioning yourself is also a worthy exercise.  Even in the deepest Master/slave relationship, where obedience is the only requirement, to obey, you need to understand.

I would say it is even appropriate to question the relationship.  If you hear, inside yourself, questions about the care and intentions of your Dominant.  You should listen hard.  For if doubt comes in, it should be questioned and respected, answered and discussed.  But THAT discussion is for another time.

The Eroticist

A New Submissive, Children and Finding Someone On Line

I apologize for taking so long to get back to Exxxotica, and this will only be delayed further as I have a heavy weekend ahead and I was recently asked to comment on some important issues.  A young mother expressed to me a growing interest in the BDSM lifestyle and an interest in finding a relationship on line as she was a single mother and felt strongly about the protection of her child.  She had no experience in finding a BDSM partner and wanted some advice as to what direction to take.

My answer was the following:

There is a truly HUGE amount about which I would wish to comment.  I will try to hit everything, but again, it is a lot.  It is important, but it is absolutely my own opinion.  My puppy bear is a lovely submissive and strongly masochistic woman with two preteen children.  I have asked her to add her thoughts.  Those will be in italics.
So, the subjects you bring up are, in general, the following:

1)  Being a Mother and keeping your sexual life private from your child(ren).

TE:  To be honest with you I will tell you that I am a Strong believer in open and honest communication, particularly with your children.  However, there are a lot of caveats there.  If you are dealing with children young enough not to understand the difference between your unique and private personal family lives and what you freely share with your second grade class in “Show and Tell”, then a large degree of decorum must be maintained.

I do not believe it appropriate in any way to invite your underage children to participate in any way in your sex life whether it be the purest Christian Vanilla Missionary style or the kinkiest form of erotic SM play.

However, no matter how private you keep things, it is inevitable that something will happen and questions will be asked.  It is at that time that an honest discussion must be had.  But there is no reason why you have to pour out every detail of your intimate flow of juices to your curious child.  If, for instance, your child asks why she heard Mommy yelling last night, I feel it totally unnecessary and dangerous to begin to develop a long story about how Mommy fell and hurt herself.  In my opinion the Best answer is, “Well, I will answer honestly, it has to do with Mommy and Daddy’s sex life.  Everything is good and loving and wonderful between Mom and Dad (or Mom and her friend) and no one was hurt.  We were having fun.  Do you want to know more?”  And in most cases, the answer will be “No”.  Kids usually don’t want to know about their parents making the beast with two backs, or whatever, so don’t bother going ahead with explanations they don’t want to hear.

An exploration of what they really ask about, and an honest answer will go far further in building a good relationship and trust between you, than any level of “protective” stories.  Kids really do know when you lie.

Again, this is my opinion from bringing up two happy and healthy boys in a house with my single tail collection hanging on my office wall.  If they asked, I answered.  Both boys have their own lives now, and are exploring their own individual choices within an atmosphere of great love from both their parents.

PB:  First off, I completely understand the desire to ‘shield’ your children from this part of your life all together.  That would be so much easier in so many ways.  But…..at least in my case, I have found that nearly impossible.  I agree that honesty is the best course of action….but I, myself, would likely buffer that transparency a tad.  First off – if your children are in the house then use a damn gag, for goodness sake.  Even the most well-adjusted, calm and open-minded child will NOT want to hear their mother screaming – be it from pain or pleasure.  I think a simple answer that divulges as little as necessary is appropriate.  ‘Yes, even grown-ups like to pretend sometimes and the handcuffs are fun when I am pretending to be captured.’  I have a much harder time with the topic of marks on my body.  Children (mine, at least) seem to not quite get the concept of privacy and so it has proven impossible to hide all marks on my body from them.  Personally, I have not done a good job with this one.  The result is that my oldest is aware of something….she is embarrassed by any marks that may show outside of my clothes…but I don’t think she really knows what they are from…and of course we all know the stories an imagination can create absent the truth are usually tenfold worse than the real thing.  

2)  Exploring a relationship on line.

TE:  I am aware of many people who have on line relationships that are healthy, affirming and rewarding.  I also know many people who have on line relationships which are not.  I think the most important thing to understand is that an on line relationship is not the same as one in real life for many different reasons.  It is not a practice run, it is not “almost” a real life relationship, it is different.  It is on line, and because of that, in my opinion, it is based almost entirely in fantasy.

Over untold ages humankind has learned to observe those with whom they interact.  Body position, tone of voice, eye movement, smell, hand movement.  Now that we communicate so much by text we tend to feel that these things are not necessary to communication.  But I say they are.  They are, in fact, so necessary that we imagine them as we read, just as when we read a novel we imagine the actions and behavior of the participants.  But here is the issue.  We are the ones who are imagining.  It is not coming from the person sending the text.  So in a way, it is like getting text with all these question sheets, and we fill them out with all the answers that confirm what it is we want to hear and not necessarily what it is that is being said.

So, eventually comes the actual meetings and the overwhelming surprises.  Since I presume you do eventually want a lifelong relationship with your ideal Dominant, now comes the unfortunate process of unlearning what you have now learned on line, and adjusting to the reality of person to person interactions.  Believe me. They be different.

PB:   Are you interested in an online relationship to help keep distance between this and the rest of your life?  If so, it may suffice…..but keep in mind that if you find the D/s dynamic truly fulfilling you may likely long for more intimacy, contact and ownership than a virtual r’ship can provide for you.  My first exposure to D/s was online and I felt it was a good ‘warm-up’ to see if I really enjoyed this sort of thing….sort of a low-risk trial period.  But I found, pretty soon, that I wanted much more than an online situation could provide.  Technology certainly helps with this sort of thing….it is possible to feel connected, aroused, pleasured together even though separated by miles.  But, personally, I found it very limited and unsatisfying fairly quickly. 

3)  Deciding on what kind of relationship you really want.

TE:  This is, by FAR, the most difficult step for both a submissive and a Dominant.  We are not taught in this society to look into ourselves and accept who it is we really are.  We are primarily taught to observe what society and our friends and our teachers tell us we should be and should want, and to model our behavior to match that in order to be accepted and safe.  But for many of us, sooner or later, as you are discovering, that structure of behavior just don’t make it.  We find that we can not maintain the role.  This is not a bad thing.  But just because it is not a bad thing does not make it an easy thing.  I freely admit that it was and is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and it is absolutely ongoing.  It does not stop.

So it is time to start.  It requires you to clearly envision what you want to get, what you want to give, and how that is to be done.  It requires research.  In other words, you have to begin to learn what is out there and all the different and strange kinky things that people do, and decide if that is for you.  The easiest way to do that is to read and research on line.  When you see something, or hear about something and finally understand a bit about what that actually entails, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It will tell you a lot.  If you feel yourself getting breathless or want to read the passage again, or watch the video again, that really is saying something to you.  This is something you want to approach.  If you read or view something that really sort of bores you and you move on quickly, think about it.  WHY is it uninteresting?  Is it the behavior, the relationship you assume, or is it possibly frightening?  All good reasons to, at this time, avoid it.  Perhaps it would be good for you later, perhaps not.  But there is no reason for you to pursue now.  Remember:  This behavior is for you  and no matter how “submissive” you wish to eventually be in a relationship, it is still, now and for all time, for your Pleasure, Enjoyment, and Fulfillment.

Finally, a caveat, while movies, clips, books, stories, and many internet sites involving kink and BDSM life can go a long way to introduce and inform you about what is possible for you, they are primarily written, filmed and produced to titillate and attract, not necessarily to inform as to reality.  A simplistic example would be that it may be incredibly hot to imagine being strung up in a closet all day while your Master/Owner goes off to work.  It is also a good way to die.  Bondage seems simple, but it causes more injury and death than any other form of play in which we engage.

PB:  I find this is SUCH a difficult question to answer…..not to mention that it is often a moving target.  We are constantly evolving and so what it might take to make us happy will likely evolve right along with us.  I like the concept of imagining the RELATIONSHIP you want vs. the DOMINANT.  It helps you focus on what is really important.  Personally, I have only begun to be able to think in concrete terms about what I want after real life experience.  Submission and this type of dynamic was too unknown and nebulous for me to be able to form intelligent ideas of what I did or did not want.  I found talking through this with a trusted member of the kink community immensely helpful.  

TE:  So, with the above three discussions you might get the impression that I truly recommend a difficult level of honesty with yourself and those you most love, and a strong recommendation that you can learn FAR more from real life encounters with real people than you can just reading, watching and interacting on line, all of which is true.  But there is a LOT more I would wish to say before THAT step is made.  That brings me to issue #4.

4)  Keeping yourself safe.

I do not know your location, so some of what I say might be difficult.  I was introduced into the public kink scene while I lived in Los Angeles and I had a multitude of different venues to choose from at which to learn, see demo’s and meet a wide variety of people, both good and bad.  It was a fine and valuable education which formed a great deal of what I recommend.

I think the first thing to do is to contact a large and reputable community as close as possible to you,  Yes, on line, but eventually in a place you can visit.  There are many all over the country.  Though the broader site does not have one particular location, I strongly recommend FetLife.Com as a community to explore.  It is world wide and has an overwhelming number of smaller groups for specific locations.

Once you find a local, or close community, attempt to connect with people who are like you (particularly if you and they have young children, for they have delt with the same issues) both in situation and in inclination (a relatively young submissive woman, masochistic if you are).  Talk, Take your time.  Understand that on many different levels You Are NEW MEAT.  While that is a direct warning to avoid immediate contact with the large number of Sexual Dominants (both heterosexual and lesbian) who will approach you, it is also a warning against people who want you to immediately join this group because they want you to understand right away how much better they are than that group.  Unfortunately that attitude is rampant in the lifestyle, no matter what part of the country you are.

Eventually, you will want to go to some form of community gathering.  They come in all flavors.  Public gatherings at a restaurant (munches), educational events, lectures or demo’s, and, of course, the play party.  If you have talked and gotten to know someone of your inclination, go to one of these events when you can meet them.  You will be introduced and probably almost immediately approached by someone who is just the most perfect person that can possibly be.  Ah, probably this is not the time to go off and have a private meeting with him so he can tell you how the BDSM scene really is, what a “real” Dominant is, and how a “real” submissive should behave towards them.  Now is the time to go home, take a Big breath, and see how all this sits inside.  Then, when you are absolutely and totally comfortable, go again and do the same.

Are you hearing me?  What I am saying is Take Things Slowly.  You will not want to.  You have just discovered Nirvana, a release from a state of suffering.  But sweet, most precious, unique and special person, you still have a lot to learn.

If, at any time, in this slow and lovely process, you see someone whose style, look, behavior and words seem to attract you, then it might be time to ask around a bit.  Does he already have a submissive, in which case it might be reputable very good to meet and talk with them both?  Is he or you interested in a multiple partner family?  If he is single, has he had submissives before?  Talk to them.  Why is the relationship no longer active?  Are they friends?  What is your take (Listen To Your Body) on the submissive?  After this, then you might want to talk to the actual Dominant.

I can not tell you what an overwhelming complement it is to be approached by a submissive who has done her homework, has learned about you, knows a lot about what she wants, and freely admits that she is attracted to you.  It is a truly wonderful place to start negotiations.

Whew:  OK, Negotiations.  Remember, you may be a submissive, but you are not anyone’s submissive.  You are still your own woman with your own needs and wants and every right in the world to get exactly what it is you need, and maybe what you want.  There is NO reason why you should be overly deferential or submissive to this person.  You should be polite and confident.  An oft used phrase of mine is, “I would far rather have the momentary submission of a Queen, than the abject slavery of a wretch.”  Submission is in no way subservience.  In my relationship I want self confidence, pride, character, and insight.  How much more valuable that is.  I want every gift my submissive can give me, and I can not know all the many gifts she has.

Finally, if your situation precludes the possibility of exploring within the context of a community and you are eventually forced to meet a prospective Dominant on your own and possibly on his turf, do a great deal of research on safe meetings and safe calls.  I can not emphasize that enough.  If you ask I will explain.

PB:  Definitely look into Fetlife and find the groups near your area.  There will likely be some sort of submissive group that could be a good place to start looking for friendly faces.  Even if you aren’t ready for anything local, there are several online submissive groups that would be useful for you to listen to and learn from.  But please do remember……each path is unique.  Listen and learn how others handle their kink lives and remember those things that resonate with you, discard the rest.  If you are willing to meet folks in real life,  I strongly suggest, as Arach did, that you start out S-L-O-W.  This can be VERY HARD to do…..talk about a kid in a candy store!  But you really want quality over quantity.   Get to know folks, socialize only, for awhile…..find one or two Dom/mes or tops that you feel comfortable with and who have a good reputation (asking for references is common and expected) and just spend time slowly exploring what is available on a play partner basis versus a Dom/sub relationship.  This will help you build up that description of the relationship you want, without complicating it by attaching it to one particular person.  As you learn more and gain a better understanding of yourself as a submissive, it will be much easier for you to determine those qualities in a Dominant partner that will fulfill you.

TE:  I hope what I have said has brought up untold questions and would hope that you ask them all.

The Eroticist

Chicago Friday

First I want to apologize for the extended silence.  While I will spare you the rather lurid details, shortly before my trip to Chicago I caught a bug which has seemed to be intractable.  So far, no diagnosis and to one level or another, it has stayed with me.  While in Chicago, several additional physical issues came forth but I was unable to find therapy until returning to Texas.  As a result, my energy has been incredibly low and little is being done other than maintenance. However, now I am home and I feel a great need to share some experiences I had while in Chicago.  As I mention many people, I also had to wait to mention them until I got permission, a time consuming process.

Friday at Mistress C‘s dungeon was a full and exciting day.  Women were free to enter, and so the hall gets packed.  It was particularly nice to see old friends from the past years at Exxxotica.  Shortly after it started, I heard a scream and saw my good friend Lilly Rose come bounding over to introduce me to her Daddy.  He was unable to attend last year.  It was a Very enjoyable hug.

I want to mention some other people who I was glad to see.  My friend Nina Hartley, a highly intelligent and erudite educator and fine piece of woman flesh, Mistress Candy with her two sissy pets, a delightful Dominant woman who can be polite and playful with a fellow male Dominant and not feel in any way threatened, and the wonderfully diminutive Lady Cupcake, a woman who, if she chooses, can have a unique career in her chosen field.  I would also like to thank Lucky Bastid, and Boston Brian, for their extensive service through the weekend.  Good people all.

There is another friend, or at least acquaintance I had a lovely opportunity to see again.  We had met at last years Exxxotica when she came with a girlfriend and expressed a desire to feel what it was like to have some sensation play.  First, I use the term sensation play to mean any form of play involving more extreme forms of sensation.  Often it is called pain play, but pain is highly subjective and any particular form of activity can create a wide range of reactions and subjective interpretations of what it is that is felt. This beautiful young lady’s reaction was one I talk about often.  She stood before a cross and volunteered to be flogged.  We talked for a while and as she was new, certainly to me and to a great extent to sensation play, I began quite lightly and checked in with her repeatedly.  For most of our time together, she replied positively in a clear and rational manor.  But then, within a space of thirty seconds, she became very quiet.  Sensitive to these kinds of changes I tapered down to a somewhat rapid halt, and asked if she wanted to sit.  Silently she nodded but needed a fair bit of assistance to move off of the cross and sit with her friend.  We talked about her need for liquids, possibly some light food, and that this feeling may possibly continue for as long as a day or two, but that it was to be expected, and not in any way something about which to be concerned.

What is worth remembering is that this was a dramatic change, and occurred over a very short time.  If I knew her better, had more experience with her, I could have extended that float and made it more pleasant for her, but Exxxotica is not really the environment for it.

When she came this year, she look for me, and reminded me of who she was and our experience together.  Aware, I asked her friend to watch her carefully and constantly report to me on her state.  We were able to have a short scene, but at no time was she able to get into that delightful subspace of endorphin induced float.  At this time, I worry that this was a disappointment for her.  I feel I should have spent less time preparing for what might happen from our previous experience and  should have taken the time to talk with her about what level of experience she had gained over the year, and most importantly, find out what it is she wanted from the scene.  I truly do hope it was enjoyable for her.

At another moment I had a conversation with a lovely young lady named Summer.  It began by her asking if she could get into the cage by which I was standing.  Well, I mean who am I to refuse?  If a beautiful young lady ask me to put her in a cage, I am glad to assist.  I sat next to her for a while and had a lovely conversation about scene life, our individual histories and interests, and relationships in general…through the bars.  An enjoyable moment.

One final important interchange. at least important to me. occurred during a paddling scene observed by a handsome young black man.  As we were watching he turned to me and expressed with great concern, “You know, I like that, but I don’t want to be anyone’s Bitch.”  This brought to the fore the vast number of misconceptions that people, particularly people new to the scene who have most of their information from media and internet porn.

The first thing I told him was that there are no package deals!   Just because you enjoy any particular kind of sensation play does not automatically imply that you choose to be submissive to the person applying it.  In fact, I know of several, quite Dominant people, who are quite masochistic and directly inform those submissive to them exactly how to apply sensation and when to do it.

I can not emphasize enough that the incredible joys that can come from this kind of relationship come precisely because we choose to define the dynamics we desire and we look carefully at assumptions, both society’s and our own, in order to choose the relationship that gives us the joy we desire.  Just because we individually choose the dynamics we wish to include in our relationships does not mean we force those choices on others.  The best relationships come when we find a partner who willingly chooses the joyous counterpart to the dynamics we have chosen for ourselves.

I am looking forward to “The Sixties” this week when it looks at the woman’s revolution.  For I believe that if it is your choice, whether it to be a leather clad sadistic mistress trailing her sissy boys behind, or a June Cleaver in pearls waiting to serve her husband in whatever desires he may have, I applaud you.  Let it be your choice, and not just something you are taught to accept.

I wanted to get this published.  There are busy weeks coming for me, but I promise to talk far more about my days at Exxxotica as soon as possible, with pictures.

The Eroticist