Posts from the ‘Exxxotica’ Category

Exxxotica, Dallas

I know, I know, I have promised far more posts about my trip to Chicago, and I do hope to continue.  However, there was much physical and emotional preparation to be done as I now had an opportunity to attend the Exxxotica in Dallas, a new and exciting event for me, with some interesting new dynamics.

The most exciting part about it was that I was able, for the first time, to take my puppy bear with me.  She is an excellent spokeswoman and was an incredible assistance with her organization and ability to describe a bit of what it is like to be at the other end of the whip.  She was also able to talk knowledgeably about being the supporter (usually called the submissive/slave) in a Leader/supporter (D/s, M/s) relationship.  The Exxxotica Dungeon is often filled with more “Dominant” or “Top” types and it is harder to get that kind of personal information.  I could not have dealt with the vast numbers of people who came to the Dungeon without her help.

The other exciting participant was my lovely friend “Frau Blundt” who readers know from many Chicago Exxxoticas.  She was there in great glory passing on her tutelage for any of her “loving little boys and girls”.  Though I think it might be best for her to speak for herself, with her permission, I may be allowed to speak a bit on her engagements with not one, but two different Batmen.

But what I wish to speak about most is the somewhat unusual situation we found ourselves in due to some concerns with the Dallas populous.  I certainly understand the concerns of Dallas Women’s Foundation President Roslyn Dawson Thompson and Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings.  I am glad to see any organization stand up for people wishing to leave any form of sex trade and anyone who has read my blog should be well aware of my strong position against abuse of women.   I am aware of many strong positions on sexual abstinence and encourage anyone of strong religious belief to refrain from engaging in practices which go against those beliefs.  I am sure it was considered necessary to sign the documents we did restricting our dress, requiring us to refrain from touching any exposed flesh, and even possibly the paragraph stating that we had to immediately cease any of our educational activities in the Exxxotica Dungeon if there was any verbal indication that any visitor was “enjoying” it or “moaning” in any way.

However, though I would like to believe that the protesters in front of the entrance were motivated by their spiritual love and care for their fellow humans, I am not sure that was sufficiently conveyed by their shouts of “Whore”, “Child Raper”, “Cock Sucker”, to anyone passing by and their signs saying, “You deserve to be Raped” and “God Laughs at your Rape”.  I  am reminded of the kind of treatment that many homosexuals have and still receive from people professing a wish for the benefit of others.

I remember when a girlfriend of my youngest child mentioned in passing her attendance at a club I knew was aimed at the more kink friendly people.  Knowing she was a seminary student, I asked her why she went there.  She told me that the people who go to clubs like that always seemed to respect her more, and never argued when she said, “No”.  But when she went to “vanilla” clubs, she had to deal with unwanted touching, rude comments, particularly when alone, and people who would not take “No” for an answer.

While I do understand that Rape happens, that women are abused, and that many people do need assistance leaving a lifestyle that is unpleasant for them, sex and erotic joy is not the cause of those things.  Sex is used by people who have issues with hate, personal inadequacies and their own feelings within themselves.  Perhaps they should become more comfortable with themselves and the wide range of caring human sexuality before they cast their hate upon others.

The Eroticist

Exxxotica 2015 Part Trois, Lilly

In my first post on Exxxotica 2015 I mentioned the lovely Lilly, a beautiful young masochistic rigger, a possessor of the most astounding breasts and caring heart, who had just lost her Daddy.  First I should say that she has found him again for which I am very glad.  For a strong “little” it is terribly difficult to be without her “Daddy” and I am pleased she is home and happy again.

Lilly, Tied

Lilly, Tied

I first met Lilly back in 2012, I think.  She was running a booth alone and in my wanderings away from the Dungeon I stopped to talk.

Trade fairs are created for businesses and companies to promote and sell their product.  Customers go to these fairs to see what new products are available, to examine them, sometimes handle them, and see if they are attractive.   But in Exxxotica and other fairs like them, much of the “products” are people.  This can create a very different dynamic.

If you are lucky, when a movie is promoted, you have an opportunity to come up to some famous movie star, talk to them, and  come away with a feeling that you have had some small opportunity to actually get to know someone you have seen on the screen.

But the movies and photos here are specifically intended to attract your sexual interest.  And here the human brain can (sometimes?) get confused.  After all, these people are selling themselves as sexual objects.  That is their business. Unfortunately, the buying public can, at times, mistakenly believe that they have some right to, shall we say, pick the product up of the shelf, see how it feels in their hand, take the product out for a test drive.  The professionals, in turn, have to walk that delicate balance between allowing the customer an opportunity to feel that desire they want, but not allowing the customer to take unwanted liberties, a balance of charm and distance.  This is very difficult when you want to convey availability, have a body you want to advertise, wear very sexy clothing, and have hundreds of people through a three day weekend who want your time, your attention, your sexuality, your body, and want it all with absolutely no investment of care or responsibility except for a little cash on hand.

I can tell you, I do not believe that I could accomplish that as a career.  So, I  try very hard to be charming, polite, complementary, and respectful to the vendors at the events.  It is important to me, in order to be the man I wish to be, to treat these people as people.  You will be surprised what can happen.

So, I talked with Lilly about what brought her there, what kind of things she liked, mentioned the dungeon and what we do there, found out she was a little, and an appreciable masochist.  (For those who do not know, in my experience, a masochist is someone who derives benefit from extreme sensation.  It may turn them on sexually, it may quiet their over active brains, or it may just show what they are willing to endure for their loved one.)  Anyway, each time I wandered the floor, I would stop, see how she was doing as far as sales, admire her truly phenomenal breasts, and ask how her feet were holding up.

I saw her again in 2013 as she had a booth that year as well and over the years, we chatted many times on FetLife.  I missed 2014 as I was in the middle of a move, but told her that I hoped to see her at the 2015 Exxxotica.  She said that was not to happen, that she was no longer with her Daddy, and could not afford to get a booth at the event.  Well, I did not think that appropriate, and so began a convoluted series of phone calls and negotiations with many people and organizations to see how it would be possible for her to attend, even if she could not have a booth of her own.  (Expensive things, that.)

I won’t go into the details of all the possibilities missed and hit upon, suffice it to say that she was able to attend the entire three days and work in the Dungeon as (I was surprised to find out) she was quite an accomplished rigger (one who works with rope).  But the greatest honor for me was that she asked if I could substitute as her Daddy for the weekend.

Hmmm, let me think.  What was I to do?  Take on the overwhelming responsibility of giving her hugs, kissing the top of her head, sitting with her when we had a break, encouraging her, watching out for her, being there if there was a problem that I could fix, paddling her ass, flogging her, occasionally squeezing her breasts, and having her give me loving smiles.  Hmmm, yea, I could do that.  Yes, there were some problems that needed fixing, but all in all she was a loving and lovely girl that I was glad to have around.

We did have a talk on the last day about how I had a committed partner at home, that we lived far from each other, and that I did not want to stand in the way of her finding a Daddy that was right and good for her, and thankfully, she understood, has found her Daddy, a relationship that, I hope, will be a long and mutually rewarding one.  She is a good woman, and deserves much.

The Eroticist

Lilly as her little girl

Lilly as her little girl

Exxxotica 2015 Part deux, BonBlundt

So, plans are made to go to Chicago, and I know that BonB will be there.  We talk many times on the phone and reminisce about our time in Santa Barbara, two years ago.  So many elements of our play go through our minds, strong emotional humiliation, deep submission, violent sadomasochism, and dedicated service.  I ask her to write me letters on what she desires from me and send a list of button issues (areas which I can use in emotional humiliation play) and to be sure to get tested for STIs.  She will be my transportation for the week and we will be spending a lot of time together.

Through the period of these phone calls, she was called overseas again.  This presented some problems and her occupation with things there and quickly changing events in her life added to some communication issues between herself and overseas medical professionals preventing the correct tests being done and got in the way of letters being written.  To explain a bit from my point of view, being in a position of Dominance, it was perplexing why, what I viewed as simple requests for information would be impossible to do within a relatively long period of time, but I understood her life was quite busy at the time in ways I did not know.

When I arrived in Chicago and saw her, with great joy I grabbed her and squeezed her breast and immediately bit her. Her reaction, however, was surprising.  It was comprised primarily of anger and distance, and mine was a resounding, WTF.  Over the next few days, every attempt to approach her in ways that were familiar to us seemed to result in distancing and anger.  Please understand, I believe this was as much a surprise to BonB as it was to me.

By Friday, the first day of the convention I had seen many things drop away.  Most, if not all sexual attraction towards me, any form of sadomasochist play, and much of the sense of joy of service due to a growing feeling of distance.

At the convention, I asked her to walk around the convention floor as I cracked my whip and “shilled” for the Dungeon.  It is a wonderful area for flirting and I wanted to experience what it would be like if we were able to flirt together, as we had previously discussed.  Sigh, that too was to pass.  As we walked the floor, BonB expressed her feeling that she was just a passive follower with no purpose, was not engaged, and felt useless.  I had No idea what to do and where to go.  To end it all, at the after party, I made a futile attempt at humorous humiliation which resulted in her leaving the party and going to bed.  I spent the rest of the evening sitting with my friend Lili (to be discussed later) and wondering what to do.  Nothing that we had discussed was left.  I did not know where to go.  I was the Dominant.  This was my responsibility, and it was going horribly wrong.

I wish I could tell you the exact moment this happened, the exact progression of thoughts or decisions, but once realized, it was absolute simplicity.  BonB, the girl I had known in Santa Barbara, was a lovely girl in her mid 20s who was going through a tremendous number of changes.  She had just, that weekend, decided to explore her interest in BDSM again after a long hiatus.  She had tickets to leave her home, friends and family and move, perhaps permanently, overseas and explore a new life, new country, and new relationships.  She was ready for a change.

Well, she changed.  What were we to expect?  Though it surprised both of us, the girl I knew in Santa Barbara was not the girl I was with in Chicago, and the only way to find out who she was, was to allow it.  LOL, this can sometimes be a challenge for a Dominant.  But I swear to you, the most enjoyable moments I have had in any relationship were moments when I could remain, or at least struggle to be, detached from what I would want to be, and actually discover what was.  This is a very hard lesson, but one that is worth the effort.  It is ongoing.

So we were there to show anyone who expressed interest, what we do and the undercurrent of joy, communication and love that can (and should) drive us forward in our play and relationships, no matter how UNequal and violent it may seem to the outside.  I can not remember who suggested it, but the thought came up that my dear BonB should show her Dominant side, her Hunter.  After all, my interest was primarily to show pretty little girls what it was like to be on the cracker side of a whip, why shouldn’t she show her skills to the pretty little boys?

So she went to the bathroom and emerged as the strict and powerful, FRAU BLUNDT, hair in a severe bun, corset, and black, tight skirt.  From that moment on we consistently worked back story, character, relationships, and intention of “zee goot Frau” and through Saturday and Sunday I saw this delightful woman truly rejoice in her ability to hunt for, charm, capture, and “correct” a gaggle of young men into her service.  When I could, I mentored her in added ways, almost plots, I suppose, to create a reason for her to “correct” and “teach” these poor wayward boys into appropriate appreciation for her strong willed ways.  It was a true delight to see.

The most amusing moment for me was when  she was applying the dragon’s tongue to the back of a young man who had VERY responsive skin.  When she finished, we all talked for a bit, and as he was facing her, I was the only one noticing that there were many marks on his back that were getting redder and redder as we talked.  After a while I asked him to turn around to show the good Frau Blundt the results of her work, and as he did, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped in almost childlike joy and astonishment.  I absolutely cracked up.

The funny thing, at the end, was that once all our expectations were dropped, once how it was supposed to be was given up for a discovery of how it was, that opened up additional doors, or possibly reopened old doors, and Frau Blundt joyously took on the responsibility of service to “her Superintendent”.  While it was not in any way what we had both thought it would be, it was far better than we could have imagined.  That took a great deal of strength on her part, and I am proud to have seen it.

That pride also goes to my wondrous, most loved puppy bear, who also had changes to go through.  But that will be told, in part, at a later time.

The Eroticist

 

Exxxotica 2015 Part Une

This will be a long series for there is much to tell.  But today I must admit to being emotionally and physically tired.  I returned a day late and through a series of unexpected cities due to Tropical Storm Bill, to find my home well and truly heated with the loving Texas weather and an air-conditioning system which rejected any concept of loving service.

But there are so many people and things to mention that I will tease you all with a list.  I am sure many of you are familiar with BonB from several years back.  Together we experienced a transformation of character and relationship that was truly astounding.  I will present, with great pride, Frau Blundt and her little boys.

Then there was the lovely Lilly, a beautiful young masochistic rigger, a possessor of the most astounding breasts and caring heart, who had just lost her Daddy.

There was Smoke, a truly excellent gentleman, and his partner D6.  I admired them from afar, began to know, converse and play, watched with continued great admiration, and became what I would be proud to call a friend.  A truly fine gentleman with an incredibly erotic lady.

Bad_Beast, a man of knowledge, understanding and honor, the true Master of the Dungeon.

Beyond that there are the cam girls who, for better or for worse, repeatedly came to the Dungeon in the smallest of outfits, carrying their computers and cameras, offering themselves to us in the Dungeon for the sake of their fans, and their clicks, and the coin that generated, sometimes to the detriment of themselves.

There was also Pikachu, a lovely young girl with beautiful multi-color hair, perky breasts and a vast apatite, and then someone I can only describe as the cum girl who visited me twice with a broad smile and a knowledge of exactly what she wanted.

But I can not leave without mentioning the most important and significant woman of them all, a woman of character and strength, who demands I be my best, and who worked arduously through storm and strife to give me the best gift of all, the best she could possibly give, herself, and that is my most precious puppy bear.  She expands my heart.

The Eroticist

Going Home

It is that time of year again when Exxxotica goes to Chicago.  There be my old home town and I greatly enjoy the visit with old high school friends, relatives and significant others, OWS in particular.  I have been involved in the Exxxotica Dungeon for 3 maybe 4 years now and truly enjoy my time there.  Besides being able to wander around a huge convention full of porn actresses and kinky people pointedly cracking my whip, I greatly enjoy talking to the many people there who have interest in, but do not have much experience in or knowledge about the scene.

I am constantly surprised at the amount of preconceived misconception there is about the scene, how you should behave, or what the acceptable roles might be, and I greatly enjoy politely telling people, “ah, well, that is not really how it works.” or “You know, there is no rule book.” or informing them that there is nothing in the scene that says what they want to do is not acceptable.  The kink and BDSM lifestyle is about releasing you from the constraints that your environment and society put on you, not about forcing you into a new set.

I am proud to announce that I have also been asked to give some demos and/or lectures for Swingzotica, an event that is happening inside of Exxxotica for lifestyle members.  (jeesh, “Lectures” sounds awfully grown up.  I prefer to just dialog, you know, talk.)  But those will be happening after Exxxotica closes each day.  If this branch of the lifestyle is of interest to you, I encourage you to look into it.  I am told that they will have a specific area of the hotel all to themselves, but you should hurry, as at last communication, there had only 5 rooms left.

I will do my best to inform you all of the delightful events happening.  But that may not happen until I return home.  I will be lucky enough to have the assistance of BonB, an international actress and educator, who long time readers may remember from my blogs on Exxxotica 2013.  (If you want to know that story, you will have to ask.)  She will also be representing Kinky Kolledge.  She is an excellent communicator and will definitely be able to convey insights into the right side of the D/s, S/m slashes.

I look forward to seeing you all.  Please let me know if you are a reader.  I definitely want to meet you.

The Eroticist

Continuing BonB

I will continue my description of my delightful weekend at Behind Closed Doors – Mutation but I have a need to express a bit about a dear girl previously mentioned here as BonB.  I wrote extensively about my relationship with her beginning here and continuing on for several – more – posts.

This is a situation with which I have little experience.  Before we met she had made a commitment to herself that she would leave much of who and what she was behind to go on a vision quest to a far away place in Europe for study and introspection, searching for the cause and enlightenment within a life changing experience that happened there several years before.  That commitment had been made before but was delayed, I think, due to a beginning involvement with a new man in her life at the time.  I feel that is significant.

This commitment came from a deep soul level understanding that her previous experience was not complete and that she was, not only ready for this life changing experience, but demanding it.  Strangely, due to that commitment, she decided to re-experience her previously abandoned interest in areas BDSM by coming to Exxxotica in Chicago.  There she observed the following.

This video captures the moments the day before we met.  She observed this scene and found something there that peaked her interest.  Though she had intended to come to Exxxotica only one day, she returned the following day and introduced herself.  And so it began.

So here we were, through time and connection, visits to Santa Barbara and moments, the intensity of which are difficult to describe, we passed through conversations (I think we maxed out at eight hours on the phone in a day) and intensive struggles with the upcoming parting and the possible permanence of that, we moved through a long period of “Do we stay connected, or does that allow an ‘out’ or ‘escape’ from the previous commitment to the quest?” and it’s subsequent approach/avoid moments of parting and re-connection.  Here I think is the significance of the delays caused by the previous man in her life.  Again she was ready to go.  Again she had a new man in her life.

Suffice it to say this was not a stress free transition.  There were arguments, accusations, and emotional conflicts comparable to any teenaged romance, and through it all were deep discussions as to what was necessary for a commitment and the inevitable question, “Can you/I commit to your/my vision and to me/you at the same time?”.

Within those conversations was a discussion of how one holds to a commitment.  One can create a situation where they have no choice, create a situation in such a way that backing out has such a high cost that it is the cost itself that holds you to the commitment, or one can accept that one always has ways to back out and it is the constant choice within ones self that holds you to it.  I can not say which is best.

But what I can say, and did say, is that I will not allow myself to be the out, the escape, that will cheapen her commitment. The results of that would be to cheapen my commitment to her, and that I choose not to do.  So, I blocked her phone, removed my “friendships” and posted “Do Not Disturb” on Skype.  My care and deep consideration for her does not allow me to accept an approach if it detracts from what I wish for us.  The only way to respect what I would wish for us is to give it up.  A phrase keeps passing through my mind of the old New Englander standing by the barbed wire saying, “Nope, can’t get there from here.”

And what is the result of all of this?  The strange conundrum that it was She who found the video I linked above, who posted it on her FetLife wall with great joy.  And it is I who write this blog,  to communicate the continuing importance of her in my life, knowing she will read my words, though we do not speak, nor touch, nor look into each other’s eyes.

And so it goes.  WOHIWYAtB

The Eroticist

BonB, That Night, The Morning, and a Parting Gift

What happened that night, which included minimal amounts of sleep, was extremely significant and extraordinarily subtle.  So much so that it will be difficult to describe.  But the importance to communication, understanding, and Dominant and submissive relationships in general can not be overstated.

You must understand that the vast amount of our time was spent in conversation.  Talking with this woman was a true delight.  It would be difficult and unnecessary for the purpose of this post to encompass the range of subjects discussed, but suffice it to say that it touched on each of our histories, philosophy, relationships, desires, identification, foods, behaviors, to name just a few.  As I have said before. communication is a necessity.

One of the most important subjects discussed was her experience and desires regarding sex.  I had mentioned before, her limit that there would be no penile penetration below the waist.  That was clear and I understood and certainly would honor that.  (BTW, if anyone has any questions as to why and whether or not they should honor such a request, I refer you to the local constabulary and recommend therapy.)  But we were now on a pile of pillows, sans clothing, and freely touching a vast variety of bodily surfaces.  I am sure you realize that at times, for any accomplished Dominant, moving a woman in the direction of acquiescence before distinct negotiation and a positive “Yes” is something we can and have certainly attempted.  (We are manipulators, after all.)

Let me clearly state that this movement is shortsighted in the extreme.  It inevitably will result in a feeling of being used without permission and the realization that limits were disrespected or ignored.  In other words, considering a woman with whom you wish to have a repeat engagement (and if you have someone in bed who you do not wish to have there again, I would question your taste), it is far better to forgo the immediate for the repeatable over the long term.

BonB had stated that vaginal and anal sex had a significant emotional weight for her and that they deserved a high degree of respect and choice.  In that light, let me speak about choice.  I am sure most people reading this are familiar with the admonition, “No means NO”, meaning if a woman, or anyone for that matter, says no to any form of proposal, it means definitely no and that should be respected.  It does not immediately mean, “No, but I am willing to stand here listening to your lame reasons why I should have said yes, cause really like every woman, I really do want you, but I have just enough self respect to make you work for it.”  No, Gentlemen, no does mean no, and that should be honored.

But is it enough?  I respectfully say, no, it ain’t.  Particularly in the activities in which we engage, where dangerous behavior is often included and where mental states frequently change.  I do believe that every man has experienced moments with women who do not understand the importance of communication where “No” meant “No, but I really want you to try anyway, so I can get what I want and not have the responsibility.  In other words, force me.”  So, my active preference is that I want to hear, “Yes, means Yes” and that means in a wide awake moment of clarity, particular activities are stated and a clear request for those activities are unmistakably voiced, particularly if it is of the form, “Yes, I want you to force me.”

OK, why did I go on with that.  Well, it has to do a lot with the happenings of that evening.  We talked for a long time about her wish to refrain from penetrative sex below the waist, at least with things other than toys and my fingers.  But here we were, both naked together and going up and down on that smooth roller coaster of sexual stimulation.  We also talked about my feelings on “No” and “Yes” and my concern over issues where she may feel that I am stimulating her to the point of forcing a “Yes.”  Then in the conversation, the term “Test” came up.  Now that was interesting.  What did she mean by “Test”?

So again, communication being paramount, I asked her a lot about that term and what she meant by it.  She said that since I had previously stated that I wanted any sexual activity to be her choice, she wanted to make sure, and find out what kind of a man I was by possibly testing me to see if I would hold to that statement, no matter how excited I might become.  Now I am sure most men reading this have been in that situation, and know well what it is like to fail the test.

Let me tell you now, as they say in War Games, in that game “The only winning move is not to play.”  So I informed the sweet and highly sexual young lady that I would not play the game, and the choice was no longer hers.  There would be no more sexual activity between us.  I told her that I was not chastising her, I was not punishing her, I just didn’t want to play that game and have her, the next morning, even have the option of saying I had stimulated her to the point of saying “Yes” when she really did not wish to.  So, I would not stimulate her, nor would I allow her to stimulate me.  Game over.

Her next statement was extremely telling and in hindsight showed me if I saw it at the time, what our relationship was to become.  She said, after a very long pause, “Wow, I’m really fucked, or not fucked, as the case may be.”  Yep, that she was.  But in that moment, she told me clearly what she wanted, desired and needed.  She wanted to be forced.  I just had to find a way to show her the necessity of saying “Yes.”  And it was she who gave me the path.  The moment was sublime.

She had stated a need to hit the bathroom and I had turned on my side hoping to get some sleep as it was now very early in the morning and we had little time before I had to rise, pack and be off.  When she returned, I expected her to lie close to me and cuddle, a warm expression of affection that definitely brings a smile to my face but also acknowledges that the night was over.  I was surprised that she sat next to me and actually straddled me with her arms, one on each side, sitting up and staring down into my face.

OK, then.  Now what?  I was happy and pleased with our time together and was certainly willing to make a night (or morning) of it.  But for her, there was still something to accomplish.  I just didn’t know, yet, what it was.  I am reminded of the phrase from Arthur Conan Doyle, “The Game is afoot.”  Though literally that means that the hunted target is moving and the hunt is on.  To me it always meant, “It is time to play” and that it was.

Now our discussion above was about sex and even though control and sadomasochistic pain play is very sexual to me, it did not necessarily involve the common definitions of sexual activity.  While there is stimulation, it is not necessarily directly aimed at the generative organs.  I knew that I had never said that I did not enjoy the game, nor would refrain from touching her at all, nor, and most particularly, did not state I wished to release control.  She wanted to test me?  OK, let us see how she took to the positions being reversed.

I began this blog saying this was a very subtle dance, and I mean that very strongly.  In describing what took place, it may sound very much as it was preconceived and planned with a particular goal in mind.  It was not.  There were things I wanted to say and communicate to her, but they were primarily that I greatly enjoyed her company, loved being close to her, still desired her, respected her limits, and did not feel rejected in any way.  Beyond that, it was entirely moment to moment and I had no expectations of going further or forcing the crossing of any stated limit, mine or hers.

The way I chose to show her was to caress her cheek and move my hand slowly into her hair, taking a tight hold, and just hold her gaze.  There was much there, and I brought her head down to my lips for an strong but loving kiss.  She stayed in her hovering like position as I released her hair and took hold of her nipples.  I quite firmly used them to bring her down for another kiss, then sit her up again, then down two more times.  Watching her response, all I wanted to do was to return the tease and turn the tables.  I took her again, quite firmly by the hair and forced her head down to my neck and chest.  My plan was to move her head over my chest and hint  at forcing her down lower, to show her that I could play at the limits, but not cross them.  Here you must remember the position of her hands, both placed on the floor one on each side of my body, at the height of my waist.  This is important, for as I moved her head around my chest and pushed it down to cross my belly, she did the most significant thing of the evening.  It was subtle, just the hint of a movement.  But she moved her left hand so as to give me room to push her head further down.

WHAM!  Suddenly everything was clear to me and I all I had to do was call her on it.  I stopped immediately and asked, “What was that?”

“What?” and I tell you honestly from discussions following, she had no idea what had just happened.

That, moving your hand!  What is the damn game here?  You want it.  You want me to force you.  I force you, you claim NO responsibility and I have failed your little test.  Well FUCK THAT!  If you want it, then you tell me you want it and tell me clearly.”  And I waited.

After many breaths and a long, very significant pause, holding my eyes constantly, she said with a long sigh, “Yes, I want you to force me.”

Clarity, so much better, communication, honest acceptance and mutual responsibility.  It does not matter the actions we do.  Rape play, violent verbal and physical confrontations, behavior that leaves anything from bruises to burns to scars and permanent markings, the actions do not matter, it is the consent, the communication, the  taking of mutual responsibility, understanding and respect that confirms and sustains a relationship.  The things we do can come from incredibly dark places, but if they are done with the understanding of the humanity and value of our partners and with an acceptance of our own and our partners desires, no matter how dark, they are affirming and nourishing to our humanity, caring love and bonded relationships.

Before I go on to a most joyous and magical moment at our last contact, I want to state that there was further conversation and the limits of no penile penetrative actions below the waist have continued to be respected limits to this day.  But to explain the magic of this woman I have to tell you of our last moment.

After far too little sleep, I packed, we left notes for OWS, and headed out on the drive to Midway Airport.  We arrived a bit early and sat in the car for a half hour or so.  The conversation was light and humorous, but had its moments of eroticism, and as she was dropping me off, she commented on the excited state she was in.  Well, that made me smile, but at the curbside of the airport, there was not much I could do.  So, out, got luggage, kissed, and stepped up to the check in.

I was there for a bit when suddenly someone grabbed my arm.  Totally unexpected, it was a woman, then I realized it was BonB, then I realized, as she was running back to the car, that my arm was now totally wet.  Then I realized why it was wet.  She had painted my arm…with her.  What an incredibly magical parting gift.  Clearly and unequivocally stating how excited she was by being with me.  Now that is a high complement, and it still brings a huge smile to my face and a warm feeling in my heart.

I should probably end by saying she is arriving in Santa Barbara next week for a 10 day stay with a fully negotiated agenda of extreme sadomasochistic play, possibly a strong day of being sexually “Forced”, service, submission, and joy as my precious little girl, kneeling on the floor beside me and addressing me as, “My Lord.”  Beyond the invitation to visit, these were all her requests, things she actively desired and to which she said an enthusiastic YES.

It is truly amazing what you can hear from people if you watch carefully, listen intently, and respect their choices.

But I will actually end by saying she is to move to Poland in September of this year on a deeply significant and spiritual journey, and while we may have wishes, we have no expectation of ever seeing each other again.  Magic presents itself to us just so.  It is for us to see it, and accept it when it comes.  And most importantly, let it go when it must leave.

The Eroticist