Posts from the ‘Gender/Political’ Category

Exxxotica, Dallas

I know, I know, I have promised far more posts about my trip to Chicago, and I do hope to continue.  However, there was much physical and emotional preparation to be done as I now had an opportunity to attend the Exxxotica in Dallas, a new and exciting event for me, with some interesting new dynamics.

The most exciting part about it was that I was able, for the first time, to take my puppy bear with me.  She is an excellent spokeswoman and was an incredible assistance with her organization and ability to describe a bit of what it is like to be at the other end of the whip.  She was also able to talk knowledgeably about being the supporter (usually called the submissive/slave) in a Leader/supporter (D/s, M/s) relationship.  The Exxxotica Dungeon is often filled with more “Dominant” or “Top” types and it is harder to get that kind of personal information.  I could not have dealt with the vast numbers of people who came to the Dungeon without her help.

The other exciting participant was my lovely friend “Frau Blundt” who readers know from many Chicago Exxxoticas.  She was there in great glory passing on her tutelage for any of her “loving little boys and girls”.  Though I think it might be best for her to speak for herself, with her permission, I may be allowed to speak a bit on her engagements with not one, but two different Batmen.

But what I wish to speak about most is the somewhat unusual situation we found ourselves in due to some concerns with the Dallas populous.  I certainly understand the concerns of Dallas Women’s Foundation President Roslyn Dawson Thompson and Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings.  I am glad to see any organization stand up for people wishing to leave any form of sex trade and anyone who has read my blog should be well aware of my strong position against abuse of women.   I am aware of many strong positions on sexual abstinence and encourage anyone of strong religious belief to refrain from engaging in practices which go against those beliefs.  I am sure it was considered necessary to sign the documents we did restricting our dress, requiring us to refrain from touching any exposed flesh, and even possibly the paragraph stating that we had to immediately cease any of our educational activities in the Exxxotica Dungeon if there was any verbal indication that any visitor was “enjoying” it or “moaning” in any way.

However, though I would like to believe that the protesters in front of the entrance were motivated by their spiritual love and care for their fellow humans, I am not sure that was sufficiently conveyed by their shouts of “Whore”, “Child Raper”, “Cock Sucker”, to anyone passing by and their signs saying, “You deserve to be Raped” and “God Laughs at your Rape”.  I  am reminded of the kind of treatment that many homosexuals have and still receive from people professing a wish for the benefit of others.

I remember when a girlfriend of my youngest child mentioned in passing her attendance at a club I knew was aimed at the more kink friendly people.  Knowing she was a seminary student, I asked her why she went there.  She told me that the people who go to clubs like that always seemed to respect her more, and never argued when she said, “No”.  But when she went to “vanilla” clubs, she had to deal with unwanted touching, rude comments, particularly when alone, and people who would not take “No” for an answer.

While I do understand that Rape happens, that women are abused, and that many people do need assistance leaving a lifestyle that is unpleasant for them, sex and erotic joy is not the cause of those things.  Sex is used by people who have issues with hate, personal inadequacies and their own feelings within themselves.  Perhaps they should become more comfortable with themselves and the wide range of caring human sexuality before they cast their hate upon others.

The Eroticist

Going Home

It is that time of year again when Exxxotica goes to Chicago.  There be my old home town and I greatly enjoy the visit with old high school friends, relatives and significant others, OWS in particular.  I have been involved in the Exxxotica Dungeon for 3 maybe 4 years now and truly enjoy my time there.  Besides being able to wander around a huge convention full of porn actresses and kinky people pointedly cracking my whip, I greatly enjoy talking to the many people there who have interest in, but do not have much experience in or knowledge about the scene.

I am constantly surprised at the amount of preconceived misconception there is about the scene, how you should behave, or what the acceptable roles might be, and I greatly enjoy politely telling people, “ah, well, that is not really how it works.” or “You know, there is no rule book.” or informing them that there is nothing in the scene that says what they want to do is not acceptable.  The kink and BDSM lifestyle is about releasing you from the constraints that your environment and society put on you, not about forcing you into a new set.

I am proud to announce that I have also been asked to give some demos and/or lectures for Swingzotica, an event that is happening inside of Exxxotica for lifestyle members.  (jeesh, “Lectures” sounds awfully grown up.  I prefer to just dialog, you know, talk.)  But those will be happening after Exxxotica closes each day.  If this branch of the lifestyle is of interest to you, I encourage you to look into it.  I am told that they will have a specific area of the hotel all to themselves, but you should hurry, as at last communication, there had only 5 rooms left.

I will do my best to inform you all of the delightful events happening.  But that may not happen until I return home.  I will be lucky enough to have the assistance of BonB, an international actress and educator, who long time readers may remember from my blogs on Exxxotica 2013.  (If you want to know that story, you will have to ask.)  She will also be representing Kinky Kolledge.  She is an excellent communicator and will definitely be able to convey insights into the right side of the D/s, S/m slashes.

I look forward to seeing you all.  Please let me know if you are a reader.  I definitely want to meet you.

The Eroticist

Affirmative Consent, Saying Yes, and SB-967

One of my favorite bloggers, Charlie Glickman, wrote recently about  California Senate Bill 967, the bill supporting “Affirmative Consent”.  The bill has engendered the traditional range of pundit expressions from full support for our female students in peril to an interesting response in the Santa Barbara Independent that put “Young Men’s Rights in Peril” as a subheading.  It was interesting to me that it said little about young women’s rights but ended with the statement, “We urge the sons and the parents of sons in California to band together to defeat SB 967.”  Charlie brings forth a wide range of information that can assist in weeding ones way through the CNN type talking heads.

But on this blog I tend to talk about a more alternate form of sexual expression.  Obviously, it goes a bit beyond areas where questions like, “Can I kiss you?” and “Do you like my running my fingers around your nipple?” are the appropriate types.  When we are thinking of asking questions such as “Do you want me to cane you till you bleed?”, Do you want to taste your blood?”,  “How about trying some fire play?” or even something as relatively benign as, “Do you want to invite another into our bed?”, the principles of “Affirmative Consent” gain greater importance.

But I, and I think a great number of other people, were brought up feeling that it is not really polite to ask such questions right away.  (I think I have previously mentioned my original difficulty with Reid Mihalco’s Safer Sex Elevator Speech.)  Sex, particularly beginning sex for yourself, or with a new partner, was forced into being this strange dance where you would try something and see if she told her mother, or got you slapped.  Well, maybe people don’t slap that much these days, but there were a myriad of ways every good girl was taught to tell you Not to do what you were doing, even if they liked it.

Unfortunately, that also put young ladies in the position where they felt they had to say “no” to things they liked, and taught young men to keep pushing past the “No’s” because a lot of the time that pushing got us to a point where the “No’s” changed to “Yes’s”.  (Now what did that teach us?)  It taught us not to listen to the “No’s”.  It also left us in a place where we sincerely did not know how to handle a “Yes”.  A young lady who said “Yes”, by word or deed was obviously Not a “Good” girl.  If she was not a “good” girl, then somehow she did not deserve respect.  (I have to say, for me, the dance was fun.  I greatly enjoyed discovering how to manage the path.)

I often wonder whether or not it would have been as fun if sex was taught as a decision we could take, intelligently, with open communication and expressions of our own desire and comfort, as it is for me now.  While I do not think it would result in less heartbreak, that is certainly a part of learning who you are, I do believe that it would result in far less injury and damage, intimidation and fear, both physical and emotional.  If it is a choice, a choice for me, a choice for you, then possibly it is easier to accept a No without feeling shamed and undesirable.

But again, when it comes to what it is that we do, “Affirmative Consent” is not only mandatory, but an item of safety and personal affirmation.  It would be a rare person these days who has not seen the rush to judgement by society and news organizations represented most easily by several players currently in, or possibly just out, of the NFL.  While this current blog is not the place for me to discuss my opinions on the differing behavior displayed, it is worthy to point out that there are strong opinions on the subject of violence against women and domestic violence no matter what the level of stated consent.  It is quite possible that the opinion of a consenting masochist can easily be ignored or discounted in a legal or criminal context as “what is usual in battered partners.”

Bringing this whole thing down to my own personal experience, I am lucky enough to have a partner who is a delightfully strong sexual masochist.  By that I mean that affectionate applications of seriously severe pain result in a strong and lustfull sexual response.  (Be still my heart.)  However, no matter the response, it is necessary for me to hear, repeatedly and clearly,  affirmations that what I do to her continues to be, even in after thought days later, desirable, enjoyable and affirming to her.  I need to hear that, otherwise it is far to easy to feel I may be slipping into an area where what I am doing is intimidating to the point where she can no longer express her dislike.

Sigh, so what is the point of all of this?  I tend to go to the honey.  You tell me that you really like what I am doing, I will continue it, and explore other ways to get the same response.  So tell me.  Tell me repeatedly through word and deed.

Ask what your partner wants.  Hearing, “I want you to…” can be a very affirmative consent, and when what your partner wants is to be tied and whipped until they scream, “Fuck Me” that affirmative consent can be very comforting.

The Eroticist

What is Important

My life does not point towards the business end of things.  Even in creative endeavors, that part of it has always been difficult for me.  But I have often found great personal wisdom from Seth Godin.  Case in point, today’s was about the difference between speaking, and speaking up.

I have chosen, in this blog, to express my feelings, views and opinions about what is euphemistically called “The Lifestyle”, how it is expressed and how it is lived by myself and those that I am able to observe around me.  Hopefully I have not just been speaking.  The blog this morning has prompted me to look at what I feel is important within all of that.

I live in a contradiction.  I enjoy the application of severe and painful sensation to other people while not desiring it for myself.  I get sexually excited by forcing that sensation on women, expect them to get sexually excited from receiving it, and expect them to accept that with little complaint.   I desire bonded relationships with multiple women and do not feel it necessary to give them the same right.  I believe it appropriate to cause emotional stress, apprehension, fear, insecurity and difficult challenges to my partners while expecting them to support, please and serve me.

This paints a picture of a severely inappropriate person (to put it very kindly) who should definitely be avoided.  Yet this is what I feel is important.

It is important to be clear, direct, honest and forthright with any partner or prospect as to what I want and what kind of activity I enjoy.

It is important for me to talk with, discuss, and explore the feelings of any partner or prospect and be totally assured that they want the kind of relationship I desire.  This includes questioning them and myself to be assured that this desire comes from a place of health and self assurance and not from a need to act out a deeper trauma.

It is important to continually examine and re-examine my own feelings and desires and communicate to my partner any changes.  It is important to continually question, discuss, and explore my partner’s feelings about what it is they want in our relationship.

It is important that no matter what extreme of disparity in roles, behavior or expectations we have developed and discussed in our relationships that all people within those relationships are held to be of equal value and respect.

It is important to work towards personal growth in myself and assist in the growth of my partners moving towards a goal of physical, mental and spiritual health in each of us and in our relationship.

And it is overwhelmingly important for me and my partners to work towards a life of passionate joy and to do whatever we can to pass that feeling on to those around us.

Be who you are.  Be honest about it.  Help the others in your life to be who they are.

The Eroticist

Death of DOMA, and work to do.

There are more words to say about this momentous decision than are in my ability to write.  Most will be said in interviews and blogs and tweets.  But the most important will be said between committed couples who now can feel that their commitment to each other is considered as true and valid and as important to be supported by our Federal Government as any other.

This is an incredibly important day.  I have seen the views of homosexual relationships go from a perverse and degraded sickness played out in semi public bath houses to the understanding that they can be deeply committed, lifetime relationships worthy as examples of what caring love can be.

I have lived through interesting times.  But, honestly, we have much work to do.

My thoughts travel from the rights of homosexuals (both male and female) to my feelings on women’s rights.  In my benign state of ignorance I had thought that question to be primarily settled.  Yes, I know.  Still, there were issues of positions of power, and equal pay, but major issues such as the right to vote, the acceptance of women being the financial supporter of a marriage, and the obvious movement of women into positions of influence seemed pertinent to me.

But the knowledge that women, after having the courage to report bing raped, undergoing the additionally invasive procedure of a “Rape Kit“, having those kits left untested for as long as Twenty Years and the perpetrators of those rapes allowed to be free to rape again, leaves me with the feeling that our country, as far as equal respect between the sexes, has progressed little beyond the Taliban.

OK, we have work to do.  But perhaps today we can sit and smile and understand that one major step has been taken to make this country truly a country of equal rights for all.

The Eroticist

Honesty, Transparency

For quite a while I have been reading a blog from a lovely young girl who talks eloquently about her submission.  She talks about her deep commitment to her Dominant partner, how profoundly erotic is the relationship and how much she trust him with her deepest secrets.

There is much there that is valuable, particularly for women who are just beginning to accept their submissive and possibly masochistic side.  Unfortunately, what she does not discuss, at least not in any detail, is that her Dominant is at a distance, her communication is on line, she is married to a man in the military, and as far as I can tell, she has not disclosed to her husband either her submissive desires, her relationship with her Dominant, nor the fact that she has declared her love for her Dom.  I do not even know if she talks with her Dominant about her marriage but know that she has not mentioned talking to her husband about her Dom.

This is very difficult for me.  My feelings take me to a place where I believe that deep submission requires deep transparency.  Valuable Dominance requires care for a submissives entire life, all aspects, and the health and growth of all areas of it.  I do not see that here.  I see a woman strongly concerned with her own pleasure, irrespective of any care and concern for her husband, and a Dominant who requires, even demands declarations of deep commitment even when responsibility for that commitment is not or can not be taken.  It makes me uncomfortable.

But Dear Lord, I so want to hear those declarations.  I want to see in the face of a submissive woman that adoration that so feeds me.  I can not help but understand the reasons behind those demands, even when the relationship is only with words, or video, and not a touch, or smell, or feel of breath upon the neck.

I have been in that place where I have struggled for the connection lost, or never completely found between myself and one to whom I have committed.  I know how overwhelming powerful that response to words typed exclusively for you, even without all those other truly necessary stimuli.  I know what it feels like to find some small connection to something I have not been able to share, and how necessary it can become.

That place is not an affirming place, for me and certainly not for the one to whom I have committed.  Yet to move from there requires admissions and declarations of need which can change your life profoundly, permanently, and without recourse.  You can not go back.  No wonder it is so common to live in a place where these things are not acknowledged.

I have often said that there is much for which I would wish in my life that I do not presently have.  There are repeated opportunities in my life to try for things that are almost what I want, where I can get a bit, but know it will not fulfill.  But I have a few friends now with whom I can be honest, who know me.  One, a friend of long standing who shares many of my struggles, and another who I know might wish for those things we could share, but who also understands that there is much about my needs that are not her needs and so the level of commitment she desires would not be affirming for either of us.  We are honest with each other.

Will I find someone who fits the puzzle that is me?  Who knows.  No guarantees here.  But I know that if am not honest with her or them, if I do not continually struggle to be transparent with them and to demand transparency from them, that I will have no chance to find my needs fulfilled.

That is what it is all about.  Isn’t it?

The Eroticist

I want to be NORMAL

With every fiber of my being, I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be accepted.  I wanted to be OK.  I wanted people to look at me and know me and smile and wave and think, there goes a good guy.  I wanted to live a life that is acceptable by the general society.  I had these thoughts and things I wanted.  But it wasn’t normal, and I knew what normal was, it was what I was told how everyone else lived.  It was what I saw on TV.  It was what I was taught about at school, so for forty years, well over half my life, all those thoughts were put away.  No one else had them.  Only me, and I had to hide that.

I did, very well.

Until I got tired of it and I began to accept who I was.  But I am also tired of being thought a creepy old man because I talk about sex.  I am tired of feeling that I am broken, or sick because of the thoughts in my head that never leave.  I hate it when my family wants me to “Just not talk about those things” or might be embarrassed if their friends found out.  I am hurt when I loose friends when I talk about what is really important to me, and I am saddened beyond expression when I hear the whispers behind my back that I should be avoided.  All the people who keep saying “No”, “Don’t”, “Shhhh”, “No one wants to hear that” are supported by everyone it seems.  It must be true.  I want to be Normal.

But it is not me that I want to change.

I am free to speak on unacceptable subjects to people who who are interested in what I have to say.  I enjoy teaching to people who want to learn what I know.  I am willing to accept people who have different interests as long as they accept me and mine.  I do not engage in activities with people who do not actively tell me they desire and enjoy those activities.  Why am I not Normal?  Why is this not Normal?  Why is sex, any kind of sex, abnormal in this society, something to be hidden, of which to be ashamed, not for “polite” people?

This is an important Ted Talk and you should listen to it.  Let us work so more people can be normal.

The Eroticist