Posts from the ‘Obedience’ Category

The Triumvirate, the Third Leg

What is it that brings this full circle?  What gives this glorious BDSM relationship the stability and support that allows it to exist?  It is Obedience.  In the beginning it is obedience to Transparency.  It is said that when a submissive holds something  back, she is taking control of the relationship.  She is deciding what her Dominant should know and what he should not.  She is filtering what she exposes of herself, she is deciding not to show her real self, the whole of herself, she is only giving him the “Mask” of which she approves.  Obedience to Transparency is necessary.

This relationship is based in one person giving to another authority over themselves.  “I give you authority to make decisions for me.”  They do this out of Trust that the person who has authority will make those decisions out of a sense of care, compassion, understanding and some level of wisdom in order to promote the growth of the relationship.  If that is the case, and a decision has been made with all available information, how can that relationship grow without the obedience to follow through?

Within Trust, and Obedience to Transparency decisions can be made for the growth of the relationship and the people within it.

When a Dominant has all the information to make a decision he must be able to Trust that his decision will be Obeyed.  Without that Obedience, the entire structure of the relationship falls apart.  Trust is shaken.  Transparency is shrouded.  The circle is broken.

For a submissive or slave, they must trust their partner to take all the information given, that their Dominant will take that information in confidence and use it with an understanding of who they are as a human being of value, and no matter the submissive’s level of understanding of those decisions, they will obey those decisions to the best of their ability.

For a Dominant, they must trust that their partner has been transparently open to them, trust themselves enough to understand and be transparent about the motives behind their decisions, and trust that their partner will obey their requests.  The Dominant must also seek and obey his own spiritual guidance as to the direction he takes those who have given him authority.

Transparency, Trust and Obedience, the triumvirate that, in my belief, can support any relationship, BDSM or otherwise.  The direction of authority and the structure of the relationship is open to negotiation, but in my opinion, the triumvirate still stands.

The Eroticist

The Triumvirate, the First Leg

I was once told that a three legged stool was the most sable, because it could never wobble.  I am not sure if the analogy will hold through this.  But it is a good place to start.

I often have deeply insightful discussions with my partner pb.  Our relationship is slowly but, and most importantly, consistently growing.  A subject that has been discussed repeatedly in the recent past has been Transparency.

A simple definition of transparency within the BDSM context is the ability to communicate everything, rational and emotional, without editing.  We are not trained to do that.  We are trained to hide, even from ourselves.  (Psychologists make quite a good living from that tendency.)  Transparency is the ability to tell your partner what is happening inside.  How do you feel, even if it may hurt to say it?  What do you want, even if you know you can’t or shouldn’t get it?  It is the ability to communicate what is inside even if it is silly, embarrassing, stupid, contradictory, self centered, jealous, and insulting.  Most importantly, even if you don’t like it.

Gandhi once said he had an allegiance to truth, not to consistency.  Humans are inherently self contradictory.  Our feelings are true, but they may be totally contradictory to what we state.  Our beliefs are true even if our feelings brings us to contradictory actions.  No matter, to be transparent we must be able to express them.

Now here is the overwhelmingly sticky element in all of this from within an authority exchange relationship.  Transparency is required from the slave or submissive to the Dominant, but not from the Dominant to the slave or submissive.  That’s a real kicker, one of those, “How come it’s OK for YOU” elements.  But there are some caveats there.  The Dominant MUST be internally transparent to the best of his or her ability.  That is he must understand himself and his reasons for his behavior.  But he or she is not required to be verbally transparent about his or her actions to those who have given them authority.

This is not a power play.  If a Dominant is attempting to bring forth an insight within his submissive, telling her how and why would, at that point, only give her tools with which to armor herself.

Those on the right side of slash in the D/s or M/s relationship MUST be transparent to the best of their ability in all communication to their partner on the left side of the slash.  Those in authority must do whatever they can to encourage and train their partners to be so.  How else can the Dominant or Master make the best decisions?

But those on the left, to do their best work, to bring out the best in their partners, are not required to expose the reasons behind their behavior to those on the right.  To do their job, to intelligently take on the responsibility of the relationship, to assist in the growth of that relationship and those within it, a Dominant or Master must often do sly and sneaky things.  If he is able, he must, at times, trick his partner into insights.  He must eloquently finagle.

However, to ACCEPT that finagling, to be able to willingly give that authority, to say, “I may not understand, but I accept” requires Trust, and that is the second leg.

The Eroticist