Posts from the ‘Sadomasochism’ Category

Exxxotica 2015 Part Trois, Lilly

In my first post on Exxxotica 2015 I mentioned the lovely Lilly, a beautiful young masochistic rigger, a possessor of the most astounding breasts and caring heart, who had just lost her Daddy.  First I should say that she has found him again for which I am very glad.  For a strong “little” it is terribly difficult to be without her “Daddy” and I am pleased she is home and happy again.

Lilly, Tied

Lilly, Tied

I first met Lilly back in 2012, I think.  She was running a booth alone and in my wanderings away from the Dungeon I stopped to talk.

Trade fairs are created for businesses and companies to promote and sell their product.  Customers go to these fairs to see what new products are available, to examine them, sometimes handle them, and see if they are attractive.   But in Exxxotica and other fairs like them, much of the “products” are people.  This can create a very different dynamic.

If you are lucky, when a movie is promoted, you have an opportunity to come up to some famous movie star, talk to them, and  come away with a feeling that you have had some small opportunity to actually get to know someone you have seen on the screen.

But the movies and photos here are specifically intended to attract your sexual interest.  And here the human brain can (sometimes?) get confused.  After all, these people are selling themselves as sexual objects.  That is their business. Unfortunately, the buying public can, at times, mistakenly believe that they have some right to, shall we say, pick the product up of the shelf, see how it feels in their hand, take the product out for a test drive.  The professionals, in turn, have to walk that delicate balance between allowing the customer an opportunity to feel that desire they want, but not allowing the customer to take unwanted liberties, a balance of charm and distance.  This is very difficult when you want to convey availability, have a body you want to advertise, wear very sexy clothing, and have hundreds of people through a three day weekend who want your time, your attention, your sexuality, your body, and want it all with absolutely no investment of care or responsibility except for a little cash on hand.

I can tell you, I do not believe that I could accomplish that as a career.  So, I  try very hard to be charming, polite, complementary, and respectful to the vendors at the events.  It is important to me, in order to be the man I wish to be, to treat these people as people.  You will be surprised what can happen.

So, I talked with Lilly about what brought her there, what kind of things she liked, mentioned the dungeon and what we do there, found out she was a little, and an appreciable masochist.  (For those who do not know, in my experience, a masochist is someone who derives benefit from extreme sensation.  It may turn them on sexually, it may quiet their over active brains, or it may just show what they are willing to endure for their loved one.)  Anyway, each time I wandered the floor, I would stop, see how she was doing as far as sales, admire her truly phenomenal breasts, and ask how her feet were holding up.

I saw her again in 2013 as she had a booth that year as well and over the years, we chatted many times on FetLife.  I missed 2014 as I was in the middle of a move, but told her that I hoped to see her at the 2015 Exxxotica.  She said that was not to happen, that she was no longer with her Daddy, and could not afford to get a booth at the event.  Well, I did not think that appropriate, and so began a convoluted series of phone calls and negotiations with many people and organizations to see how it would be possible for her to attend, even if she could not have a booth of her own.  (Expensive things, that.)

I won’t go into the details of all the possibilities missed and hit upon, suffice it to say that she was able to attend the entire three days and work in the Dungeon as (I was surprised to find out) she was quite an accomplished rigger (one who works with rope).  But the greatest honor for me was that she asked if I could substitute as her Daddy for the weekend.

Hmmm, let me think.  What was I to do?  Take on the overwhelming responsibility of giving her hugs, kissing the top of her head, sitting with her when we had a break, encouraging her, watching out for her, being there if there was a problem that I could fix, paddling her ass, flogging her, occasionally squeezing her breasts, and having her give me loving smiles.  Hmmm, yea, I could do that.  Yes, there were some problems that needed fixing, but all in all she was a loving and lovely girl that I was glad to have around.

We did have a talk on the last day about how I had a committed partner at home, that we lived far from each other, and that I did not want to stand in the way of her finding a Daddy that was right and good for her, and thankfully, she understood, has found her Daddy, a relationship that, I hope, will be a long and mutually rewarding one.  She is a good woman, and deserves much.

The Eroticist

Lilly as her little girl

Lilly as her little girl

Why do we do what we do?

I got a post from one of my favorite bloggers today, Charlie Glickman.  It explores the reasons people have some of the more extreme physical interactions within their relationships that they do, certainly that we do in BDSM relationships.  He mentions many of the most common reasons, but there are some important ones that I wished to emphasize.

Certainly there are differences in personal taste and physiology.  Different people react to stimulation in different ways.  Things feel different to different people.  Particularly significant is that physical stimulation will feel different to the same people at different times and when they are in different states.  As Charlie says, sensation can feel vastly different when you are highly arroused than when you are just returning from the office.  Also many women go through vast changes in their reactions at different periods of their cycle.

Fear is another major factor.  People can get far more enjoyment from a fearful situation within a context of a negotiated and trusting relationship than an unwanted sexual encounter with a stranger.  As Charlie says, there can be a large “difference between riding on a roller coaster and being in car going downhill without brakes.”

Within a trusted BDSM relationship it also can be emotionally releasing to work through previously traumatic events in a context of loving care, support and competent guidance.  (Though I must add the caveat that while therapeutic moments can happen within a BDSM relationship, it is a risky endeavor and should be done only with kink friendly professional assistance.)

I definitely agree with Charlie that it can add to ones enjoyment when one feels they are “breaking the rules.”  I might say that “breaking rules” is a large attractor in the BDSM lifestyle.  We often pride ourselves in the thought that we structure our relationship outside of the norm.  It is also true, that attempting extreme behaviors just because it breaks the rules may be a way of discovering new enjoyments, but also may trigger a partner in ways you do not expect.

Charlie posted, “some people seek extreme experiences because they need a lot of sensation to overcome a tendency to check out or dissociate.”  While editorially that paragraph may have parts missing, I did want to comment.  In my time in the BDSM lifestyle, I have met people who receive pain in unique but personally helpful ways.  Two examples are using pain to stop the internal dialog.  We all tend to talk to ourselves in a dialog that confirms our view of the world and ourselves, sometimes quite negatively.  SadoMasochistic interactions can assist in slowing or quieting that dialog down, giving rest to the mind and allowing it to accept different viewpoints.

The other example is the use of pain to quiet pain.  I have met and interacted with two people who suffer strongly from fibromyalgia.  In our interactions we spoke at length about how the careful and negotiated pain from a Sadist would move their sensations away from and relieve their fibromyalgic pain for sometimes days at a time.  That was the reason they came to the BDSM world.

Lastly, I want to confirm Charlie’s final comments.  On the need for aftercare, it is often thought, particularly by people unfamiliar with SadoMasochistic play, that aftercare is primarily for the benefit of the person receiving the extreme sensation and that they are the ones most likely to fall into an emotional downturn or depression after extreme sensation.  That is often not the case.  Personally it is important to me, as the sadist, to received confirmation from my play partner that what I have done to them was understood as also for them, that they enjoyed it, that they wanted it.  Otherwise I am just a violent old man, hurting those I care about.  That is my aftercare.

Lastly, on “people who think that not wanting to do all that ‘wild, crazy stuff’ makes them or their partners boring in bed”.  Particularly in a BDSM relationship, it is vastly important to understand that the only people who should be concerned with the kind of behavior in which you engage in your relationship, are the people in that relationship.  Certainly it is important to check in with your partner as to whether or not they are satisfied or want to experiment, but if you are happy, and they are happy, why change what isn’t broken?  The only judgement you should accept are you and your partners’s.

Sex and sensation is an overwhelmingly powerful element in our lives.  An element that should be far more openly discussed within our relationships and within our society than it commonly is.  I am continually  pleased by blogs such as Charlie’s, and recommend his to all.

The Eroticist

Appropriate Questions

It has been a long time since I wrote.  My mind has been on establishing relationships, becoming comfortable in new communities, establishing a new presence and occupation in my new home, and discovering new places for me in the world.

Today I think about questions and the responses they engender in my own mind.  What questions are important in a relationship, particularly at the beginning, particularly in this strange lifestyle we call BDSM.  So before I move on, I want to ask you, my readers, what questions you would ask or want answered within yourself and by your prospective partner when beginning a relationship.  Seriously, I want to know what is necessary for you, what is important.  Send them as comments or write me directly.  I want to know.

I recently saw a post from a young submissive who said she needed help.  The question she gave me was, “How can i better serve?”

My answer follows:

OK, that is a very open ended question and has a large number of possible answers.

Look at what you are good at. What was the original attraction between you?  Was it your beauty, your sensuality, your willingness to throw yourself into his direction, your enjoyment of extreme sensation, your knowledge and expertise?  What was it that attracted you to him?  What do you want to encourage in him?

Is your relationship based in a sexual relationship, service relationship, play or SM? Is it a 24/7 live in relationship, a long distance, primarily text or phone relationship?

Have you asked your Dominant/Master what it is that he wants most?

I suppose what I am saying is that the first step to any form of service is communication. You should work towards clear, transparent channels between you.

This may mean the first efforts should be within yourself. What is it that you want? I do not mean that in a demanding, get what you want kind of mode, but that you have to know what you want so you can tell your Dom/Master clearly. Inform him. Only that will allow him to make the right decisions. Obviously, he has to do the same. He has to know what he wants, so as to clearly inform you in how to please him. So communication comes first.

The next thing, in my mind, is to spend a lot of time examining your assumptions. The most valuable question to ask is, “What do you mean by that?” I have said many times that there is no rule book here. You both have to discover what the other means. An amazing amount of stress cam come from assuming you know what a word means to the other. What does “Service” mean to you? What does it mean to him? ASK! Be clear!

Do you want to serve him in any way possible, even if it is incredibly uncomfortable to you, painful, just because you are tremendously affirmed just by serving him? That works for some people, but do not assume it is what he wants, nor what service means. If it is not something that truly affirms you , but it is something that he wants, that dynamic will work against your long term relationship.

Conversely, if you assume that is what he wants, and so do things that are truly difficult for you when what he wants is to excite and astound you, then when he finds out you are suffering, he will be hurt and disappointed. He may not wish to be hurting his toy.  Do not assume. Find out.

Puppy bear, my partner, would not argue one bit with the thought that I am a strong sadist. But many sadists would argue with that term because I love a classical masochist, a pain puppy who wants me to hurt them until the only thing they want to do is fuck me. I have been told, “You’re not a sadist, you’re a very nice guy.” But that is because sadism to him was making his partner suffer, for him.

Every term we use in the lifestyle is open to personal interpretation. So ask, “What do you mean by that.” It is a very valuable discussion.

There is nothing wrong with questioning the orders or directions of your Dominant.  It shows you wish to understand.  Questioning yourself is also a worthy exercise.  Even in the deepest Master/slave relationship, where obedience is the only requirement, to obey, you need to understand.

I would say it is even appropriate to question the relationship.  If you hear, inside yourself, questions about the care and intentions of your Dominant.  You should listen hard.  For if doubt comes in, it should be questioned and respected, answered and discussed.  But THAT discussion is for another time.

The Eroticist

Chicago Friday

First I want to apologize for the extended silence.  While I will spare you the rather lurid details, shortly before my trip to Chicago I caught a bug which has seemed to be intractable.  So far, no diagnosis and to one level or another, it has stayed with me.  While in Chicago, several additional physical issues came forth but I was unable to find therapy until returning to Texas.  As a result, my energy has been incredibly low and little is being done other than maintenance. However, now I am home and I feel a great need to share some experiences I had while in Chicago.  As I mention many people, I also had to wait to mention them until I got permission, a time consuming process.

Friday at Mistress C‘s dungeon was a full and exciting day.  Women were free to enter, and so the hall gets packed.  It was particularly nice to see old friends from the past years at Exxxotica.  Shortly after it started, I heard a scream and saw my good friend Lilly Rose come bounding over to introduce me to her Daddy.  He was unable to attend last year.  It was a Very enjoyable hug.

I want to mention some other people who I was glad to see.  My friend Nina Hartley, a highly intelligent and erudite educator and fine piece of woman flesh, Mistress Candy with her two sissy pets, a delightful Dominant woman who can be polite and playful with a fellow male Dominant and not feel in any way threatened, and the wonderfully diminutive Lady Cupcake, a woman who, if she chooses, can have a unique career in her chosen field.  I would also like to thank Lucky Bastid, and Boston Brian, for their extensive service through the weekend.  Good people all.

There is another friend, or at least acquaintance I had a lovely opportunity to see again.  We had met at last years Exxxotica when she came with a girlfriend and expressed a desire to feel what it was like to have some sensation play.  First, I use the term sensation play to mean any form of play involving more extreme forms of sensation.  Often it is called pain play, but pain is highly subjective and any particular form of activity can create a wide range of reactions and subjective interpretations of what it is that is felt. This beautiful young lady’s reaction was one I talk about often.  She stood before a cross and volunteered to be flogged.  We talked for a while and as she was new, certainly to me and to a great extent to sensation play, I began quite lightly and checked in with her repeatedly.  For most of our time together, she replied positively in a clear and rational manor.  But then, within a space of thirty seconds, she became very quiet.  Sensitive to these kinds of changes I tapered down to a somewhat rapid halt, and asked if she wanted to sit.  Silently she nodded but needed a fair bit of assistance to move off of the cross and sit with her friend.  We talked about her need for liquids, possibly some light food, and that this feeling may possibly continue for as long as a day or two, but that it was to be expected, and not in any way something about which to be concerned.

What is worth remembering is that this was a dramatic change, and occurred over a very short time.  If I knew her better, had more experience with her, I could have extended that float and made it more pleasant for her, but Exxxotica is not really the environment for it.

When she came this year, she look for me, and reminded me of who she was and our experience together.  Aware, I asked her friend to watch her carefully and constantly report to me on her state.  We were able to have a short scene, but at no time was she able to get into that delightful subspace of endorphin induced float.  At this time, I worry that this was a disappointment for her.  I feel I should have spent less time preparing for what might happen from our previous experience and  should have taken the time to talk with her about what level of experience she had gained over the year, and most importantly, find out what it is she wanted from the scene.  I truly do hope it was enjoyable for her.

At another moment I had a conversation with a lovely young lady named Summer.  It began by her asking if she could get into the cage by which I was standing.  Well, I mean who am I to refuse?  If a beautiful young lady ask me to put her in a cage, I am glad to assist.  I sat next to her for a while and had a lovely conversation about scene life, our individual histories and interests, and relationships in general…through the bars.  An enjoyable moment.

One final important interchange. at least important to me. occurred during a paddling scene observed by a handsome young black man.  As we were watching he turned to me and expressed with great concern, “You know, I like that, but I don’t want to be anyone’s Bitch.”  This brought to the fore the vast number of misconceptions that people, particularly people new to the scene who have most of their information from media and internet porn.

The first thing I told him was that there are no package deals!   Just because you enjoy any particular kind of sensation play does not automatically imply that you choose to be submissive to the person applying it.  In fact, I know of several, quite Dominant people, who are quite masochistic and directly inform those submissive to them exactly how to apply sensation and when to do it.

I can not emphasize enough that the incredible joys that can come from this kind of relationship come precisely because we choose to define the dynamics we desire and we look carefully at assumptions, both society’s and our own, in order to choose the relationship that gives us the joy we desire.  Just because we individually choose the dynamics we wish to include in our relationships does not mean we force those choices on others.  The best relationships come when we find a partner who willingly chooses the joyous counterpart to the dynamics we have chosen for ourselves.

I am looking forward to “The Sixties” this week when it looks at the woman’s revolution.  For I believe that if it is your choice, whether it to be a leather clad sadistic mistress trailing her sissy boys behind, or a June Cleaver in pearls waiting to serve her husband in whatever desires he may have, I applaud you.  Let it be your choice, and not just something you are taught to accept.

I wanted to get this published.  There are busy weeks coming for me, but I promise to talk far more about my days at Exxxotica as soon as possible, with pictures.

The Eroticist

What is Important

My life does not point towards the business end of things.  Even in creative endeavors, that part of it has always been difficult for me.  But I have often found great personal wisdom from Seth Godin.  Case in point, today’s was about the difference between speaking, and speaking up.

I have chosen, in this blog, to express my feelings, views and opinions about what is euphemistically called “The Lifestyle”, how it is expressed and how it is lived by myself and those that I am able to observe around me.  Hopefully I have not just been speaking.  The blog this morning has prompted me to look at what I feel is important within all of that.

I live in a contradiction.  I enjoy the application of severe and painful sensation to other people while not desiring it for myself.  I get sexually excited by forcing that sensation on women, expect them to get sexually excited from receiving it, and expect them to accept that with little complaint.   I desire bonded relationships with multiple women and do not feel it necessary to give them the same right.  I believe it appropriate to cause emotional stress, apprehension, fear, insecurity and difficult challenges to my partners while expecting them to support, please and serve me.

This paints a picture of a severely inappropriate person (to put it very kindly) who should definitely be avoided.  Yet this is what I feel is important.

It is important to be clear, direct, honest and forthright with any partner or prospect as to what I want and what kind of activity I enjoy.

It is important for me to talk with, discuss, and explore the feelings of any partner or prospect and be totally assured that they want the kind of relationship I desire.  This includes questioning them and myself to be assured that this desire comes from a place of health and self assurance and not from a need to act out a deeper trauma.

It is important to continually examine and re-examine my own feelings and desires and communicate to my partner any changes.  It is important to continually question, discuss, and explore my partner’s feelings about what it is they want in our relationship.

It is important that no matter what extreme of disparity in roles, behavior or expectations we have developed and discussed in our relationships that all people within those relationships are held to be of equal value and respect.

It is important to work towards personal growth in myself and assist in the growth of my partners moving towards a goal of physical, mental and spiritual health in each of us and in our relationship.

And it is overwhelmingly important for me and my partners to work towards a life of passionate joy and to do whatever we can to pass that feeling on to those around us.

Be who you are.  Be honest about it.  Help the others in your life to be who they are.

The Eroticist

Punishment, FUNishment and Brats

First of all, hello from TEXAS.  The move was far more expensive than I expected, primarily due to my inability to stoically toss things before the move.  But the house is slowly coming to order, I am getting to know new people, and finding a place for my lifestyle and art.  I wish you all the same.

This came from a text conversation this morning with a delightful young lady with whom I am discussing a relationship.  I will attempt to edit it for a more general audience.

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There is still much we do not know about each other.  I understand that we brushed against areas this morning in texts that brought you to questioning whether or not I was being SERIOUS.  That is a constant problem with texts, particularly short ones like tweets.  The inclination is to interpret from ones own fantasy rather than test reality.  Remember, “What did you mean by that?” is always a good question.  I looked to see if I posted on this rather important subject and could not find it.  But that is for another time.

When I say I can go MUCH farther, that is true.  I can whip you till you hang bleeding from the cross, till you are unable to speak.  I can do many MANY things to make your flesh RAW.  I can slap you, yell at you, convince you I am FURIOUS, be one Mean Mother Fucker, and push limits quite firmly.  But all of that comes well AFTER we know each other enough to know the long term affects of that kind of play and a level of communication is established that allows me to KNOW that is what you desire.  That kind of play, after all, takes a LOT of control, knowledge and observation.  In other words, it takes a lot of work.  However, all of that falls inside our relationship, and I would work for a state where, even days later, you would wish to hug me tightly and tell me again and again how appreciative you are of your level of joy and contentment and where I was able to take you.  Adoration, yep, that feeds me.
 
Being inside of our relationship also means that I must consider the results of my actions within my chosen constructs.  As I have said, your health, both physical and mental comes first, next your family and friends, and third your career.  Within those last two is a strange concept, which can best be termed, “Your standing in the community”, meaning what level of “Outing” do you feel comfortable.  If you are the kind of person who enjoys wearing a collar and cuffs around in public and pointing to a bruise and telling a stranger how JOYOUSLY you are treated, then there really isn’t an issue.  However, if that is not your style, and you wish people to think of you as a normal suburban matron, then having you walk around with obvious bruising on your face or neck, arms or legs where it cannot be covered, no matter HOW far you and I wish to push your limits, will be avoided.
 
However, that does not mean that if you push MY limits there will not be consequences.  In the very broadest sense, obviously, we each have the choice, at any time, to say that this relationship is not for us, and move on.  But that, I would hope, would only be considered after extensive conversation.  If errors are made, the first question to be asked is, ,were they avoidable, and if so, why did they happen.  There are reasons these things happen and life does get in the way, but the question WILL BE ASKED, if the error was IN ANY WAY, a statement of dissatisfaction with the relationship.  THAT is serious.
 
Punishment is usually not an action but a removal.  I would HOPE that what is most desired is contact and interaction with me.  True punishment, then, is the removal of what is most desired for whatever is an appropriate length of time.  But all of that is only appropriate after explanations and discussions.  Once done, IT IS DONE, and cuddles, sex and joyous play will resume.  I have talked about my punishment philosophy before.
 
Now, all of that is NOT to say that a bit of brattish play is not enjoyed.  I do enjoy a large bit of repartee and it does add to the joy of play, so we come to FUNishment.  “Oh, Daddy, I did something so VERY bad today.  I was in the office in a meeting trying SO hard to be professional, but I thought of you and under the table I touched myself.  I was SO wet.”  “Oh, my naughty girl, you MUST control yourself.  What CAN I do to teach you to be BEHAVE?”  etc., etc, etc.
 
Obviously, there is also, “Oh, Sir, is that the best you can do?  I am not sure I felt that.  Did you actually touch me?”  But I do warn you to consider the second paragraph above before you try that.  Because I am sure I can eradicate that thought from your head quite quickly.
 
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So much of what we do, what people should do particularly in sexual situations, is play with each other, assume differing roles to increase the satisfaction of ourselves and our partners.  But when playing roles we have to make sure our partners know we are playing roles.  That is incredibly difficult in 140 characters or less.  Possible with people who know each other very well, but also possibly disastrous with people who do not.  Beware!  I will speak on this again later.
 
The Eroticist

BonB, That Night, The Morning, and a Parting Gift

What happened that night, which included minimal amounts of sleep, was extremely significant and extraordinarily subtle.  So much so that it will be difficult to describe.  But the importance to communication, understanding, and Dominant and submissive relationships in general can not be overstated.

You must understand that the vast amount of our time was spent in conversation.  Talking with this woman was a true delight.  It would be difficult and unnecessary for the purpose of this post to encompass the range of subjects discussed, but suffice it to say that it touched on each of our histories, philosophy, relationships, desires, identification, foods, behaviors, to name just a few.  As I have said before. communication is a necessity.

One of the most important subjects discussed was her experience and desires regarding sex.  I had mentioned before, her limit that there would be no penile penetration below the waist.  That was clear and I understood and certainly would honor that.  (BTW, if anyone has any questions as to why and whether or not they should honor such a request, I refer you to the local constabulary and recommend therapy.)  But we were now on a pile of pillows, sans clothing, and freely touching a vast variety of bodily surfaces.  I am sure you realize that at times, for any accomplished Dominant, moving a woman in the direction of acquiescence before distinct negotiation and a positive “Yes” is something we can and have certainly attempted.  (We are manipulators, after all.)

Let me clearly state that this movement is shortsighted in the extreme.  It inevitably will result in a feeling of being used without permission and the realization that limits were disrespected or ignored.  In other words, considering a woman with whom you wish to have a repeat engagement (and if you have someone in bed who you do not wish to have there again, I would question your taste), it is far better to forgo the immediate for the repeatable over the long term.

BonB had stated that vaginal and anal sex had a significant emotional weight for her and that they deserved a high degree of respect and choice.  In that light, let me speak about choice.  I am sure most people reading this are familiar with the admonition, “No means NO”, meaning if a woman, or anyone for that matter, says no to any form of proposal, it means definitely no and that should be respected.  It does not immediately mean, “No, but I am willing to stand here listening to your lame reasons why I should have said yes, cause really like every woman, I really do want you, but I have just enough self respect to make you work for it.”  No, Gentlemen, no does mean no, and that should be honored.

But is it enough?  I respectfully say, no, it ain’t.  Particularly in the activities in which we engage, where dangerous behavior is often included and where mental states frequently change.  I do believe that every man has experienced moments with women who do not understand the importance of communication where “No” meant “No, but I really want you to try anyway, so I can get what I want and not have the responsibility.  In other words, force me.”  So, my active preference is that I want to hear, “Yes, means Yes” and that means in a wide awake moment of clarity, particular activities are stated and a clear request for those activities are unmistakably voiced, particularly if it is of the form, “Yes, I want you to force me.”

OK, why did I go on with that.  Well, it has to do a lot with the happenings of that evening.  We talked for a long time about her wish to refrain from penetrative sex below the waist, at least with things other than toys and my fingers.  But here we were, both naked together and going up and down on that smooth roller coaster of sexual stimulation.  We also talked about my feelings on “No” and “Yes” and my concern over issues where she may feel that I am stimulating her to the point of forcing a “Yes.”  Then in the conversation, the term “Test” came up.  Now that was interesting.  What did she mean by “Test”?

So again, communication being paramount, I asked her a lot about that term and what she meant by it.  She said that since I had previously stated that I wanted any sexual activity to be her choice, she wanted to make sure, and find out what kind of a man I was by possibly testing me to see if I would hold to that statement, no matter how excited I might become.  Now I am sure most men reading this have been in that situation, and know well what it is like to fail the test.

Let me tell you now, as they say in War Games, in that game “The only winning move is not to play.”  So I informed the sweet and highly sexual young lady that I would not play the game, and the choice was no longer hers.  There would be no more sexual activity between us.  I told her that I was not chastising her, I was not punishing her, I just didn’t want to play that game and have her, the next morning, even have the option of saying I had stimulated her to the point of saying “Yes” when she really did not wish to.  So, I would not stimulate her, nor would I allow her to stimulate me.  Game over.

Her next statement was extremely telling and in hindsight showed me if I saw it at the time, what our relationship was to become.  She said, after a very long pause, “Wow, I’m really fucked, or not fucked, as the case may be.”  Yep, that she was.  But in that moment, she told me clearly what she wanted, desired and needed.  She wanted to be forced.  I just had to find a way to show her the necessity of saying “Yes.”  And it was she who gave me the path.  The moment was sublime.

She had stated a need to hit the bathroom and I had turned on my side hoping to get some sleep as it was now very early in the morning and we had little time before I had to rise, pack and be off.  When she returned, I expected her to lie close to me and cuddle, a warm expression of affection that definitely brings a smile to my face but also acknowledges that the night was over.  I was surprised that she sat next to me and actually straddled me with her arms, one on each side, sitting up and staring down into my face.

OK, then.  Now what?  I was happy and pleased with our time together and was certainly willing to make a night (or morning) of it.  But for her, there was still something to accomplish.  I just didn’t know, yet, what it was.  I am reminded of the phrase from Arthur Conan Doyle, “The Game is afoot.”  Though literally that means that the hunted target is moving and the hunt is on.  To me it always meant, “It is time to play” and that it was.

Now our discussion above was about sex and even though control and sadomasochistic pain play is very sexual to me, it did not necessarily involve the common definitions of sexual activity.  While there is stimulation, it is not necessarily directly aimed at the generative organs.  I knew that I had never said that I did not enjoy the game, nor would refrain from touching her at all, nor, and most particularly, did not state I wished to release control.  She wanted to test me?  OK, let us see how she took to the positions being reversed.

I began this blog saying this was a very subtle dance, and I mean that very strongly.  In describing what took place, it may sound very much as it was preconceived and planned with a particular goal in mind.  It was not.  There were things I wanted to say and communicate to her, but they were primarily that I greatly enjoyed her company, loved being close to her, still desired her, respected her limits, and did not feel rejected in any way.  Beyond that, it was entirely moment to moment and I had no expectations of going further or forcing the crossing of any stated limit, mine or hers.

The way I chose to show her was to caress her cheek and move my hand slowly into her hair, taking a tight hold, and just hold her gaze.  There was much there, and I brought her head down to my lips for an strong but loving kiss.  She stayed in her hovering like position as I released her hair and took hold of her nipples.  I quite firmly used them to bring her down for another kiss, then sit her up again, then down two more times.  Watching her response, all I wanted to do was to return the tease and turn the tables.  I took her again, quite firmly by the hair and forced her head down to my neck and chest.  My plan was to move her head over my chest and hint  at forcing her down lower, to show her that I could play at the limits, but not cross them.  Here you must remember the position of her hands, both placed on the floor one on each side of my body, at the height of my waist.  This is important, for as I moved her head around my chest and pushed it down to cross my belly, she did the most significant thing of the evening.  It was subtle, just the hint of a movement.  But she moved her left hand so as to give me room to push her head further down.

WHAM!  Suddenly everything was clear to me and I all I had to do was call her on it.  I stopped immediately and asked, “What was that?”

“What?” and I tell you honestly from discussions following, she had no idea what had just happened.

That, moving your hand!  What is the damn game here?  You want it.  You want me to force you.  I force you, you claim NO responsibility and I have failed your little test.  Well FUCK THAT!  If you want it, then you tell me you want it and tell me clearly.”  And I waited.

After many breaths and a long, very significant pause, holding my eyes constantly, she said with a long sigh, “Yes, I want you to force me.”

Clarity, so much better, communication, honest acceptance and mutual responsibility.  It does not matter the actions we do.  Rape play, violent verbal and physical confrontations, behavior that leaves anything from bruises to burns to scars and permanent markings, the actions do not matter, it is the consent, the communication, the  taking of mutual responsibility, understanding and respect that confirms and sustains a relationship.  The things we do can come from incredibly dark places, but if they are done with the understanding of the humanity and value of our partners and with an acceptance of our own and our partners desires, no matter how dark, they are affirming and nourishing to our humanity, caring love and bonded relationships.

Before I go on to a most joyous and magical moment at our last contact, I want to state that there was further conversation and the limits of no penile penetrative actions below the waist have continued to be respected limits to this day.  But to explain the magic of this woman I have to tell you of our last moment.

After far too little sleep, I packed, we left notes for OWS, and headed out on the drive to Midway Airport.  We arrived a bit early and sat in the car for a half hour or so.  The conversation was light and humorous, but had its moments of eroticism, and as she was dropping me off, she commented on the excited state she was in.  Well, that made me smile, but at the curbside of the airport, there was not much I could do.  So, out, got luggage, kissed, and stepped up to the check in.

I was there for a bit when suddenly someone grabbed my arm.  Totally unexpected, it was a woman, then I realized it was BonB, then I realized, as she was running back to the car, that my arm was now totally wet.  Then I realized why it was wet.  She had painted my arm…with her.  What an incredibly magical parting gift.  Clearly and unequivocally stating how excited she was by being with me.  Now that is a high complement, and it still brings a huge smile to my face and a warm feeling in my heart.

I should probably end by saying she is arriving in Santa Barbara next week for a 10 day stay with a fully negotiated agenda of extreme sadomasochistic play, possibly a strong day of being sexually “Forced”, service, submission, and joy as my precious little girl, kneeling on the floor beside me and addressing me as, “My Lord.”  Beyond the invitation to visit, these were all her requests, things she actively desired and to which she said an enthusiastic YES.

It is truly amazing what you can hear from people if you watch carefully, listen intently, and respect their choices.

But I will actually end by saying she is to move to Poland in September of this year on a deeply significant and spiritual journey, and while we may have wishes, we have no expectation of ever seeing each other again.  Magic presents itself to us just so.  It is for us to see it, and accept it when it comes.  And most importantly, let it go when it must leave.

The Eroticist