Posts from the ‘Sadomasochism’ Category

Willing Participants

While I often wander around the convention hall with my single tail and handcuffs, cracking as sort of a “Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Thy Dungeon is open for the Interested”  The best time of all is spent in the play space talking to people who have serious interest and explaining, in a small part, what we do, how we do it safely, why we enter into these kinds of relationships and what we feel is important.  Unfortunately it is also why I have little voice at the end of a three day weekend.

I was given a lovely present by Mistress Cee this year.  A video was taken of a short scene of mine with a lovely girl in blue shorts.  Obviously I offer it to you here.  You can hear that to a great extent, you can not hear, thereby extending the deepness of my voice.  But I can tell you that I was honored many people in their requests for a small bit of my attention.

I mention one because of particular significance.  She expressed a desire to experience a higher level of pain than most beginners and so I spent some time discussing things with her.  We played for a bit involving a rather severe small hardwood paddle, and since she was rather small, I had to adjust her position by taking hold of her shorts at the belt and lifting her body into a more appropriate position.  The paddle leaves some rather significant bruises of a particular sort, somewhat like opposing parentheses “()” with a white space in between.  But, obviously, only if used at a level high enough to leave such bruises.  After the scene we had some smile worthy cuddle time, and I presume and sincerely hope she went away happy with her experience.

Another significant aspect of that scene was that it was observed with great attention by another young lady while she was being tied up and bruised by another artist at the convention.  There will be a great deal more about the results of that observation, but that will come later.

Suffice it to say at this point that Saturday was an interesting day filled with several quite pleasant opportunities to educate, good discussions and demonstrations.  It was an eleven hour day, filled with great fun and new friends.

Much more to come.

The Eroticist

Chicago

I am just back from a truly glorious twelve days in Chicago.  The trip was basically for two reasons, as many of you know.  The first, for Exxxotica, three long days midst masses of eye candy, quality presenters, and vast quantities of willing participants.  The second to visit, reconnect and share with relatives, old friends and quality people from my life in that delightful city and the suburbs thereof.

All of this is far more than I care to delineate in this single post, so I send you all a teaser.  The events of this trip were enjoyable to the extreme and has potential to be far more, but all of that will come out in following posts.  At this time, let me say that Exxxotica included an overwhelmingly delightful, but quite small cage, which many of the presenters STILL remember, a well used spanking bench, a significantly observed demo, a brown hardwood paddle, and marks upon marks.

The visits to friends included overwhelming generosity, a vast amount of Brazilian music and stories, deep sharing between friends, good food, phenomenally beautiful lightning storms, foot baths, conversations in multiple languages, visiting bugs, and a new friend about which I can speak for days and still not touch the joy and possibilities.

The Cage

One of the quality pieces of “furniture” supplied to Mistress C’s excellent Dungeon at Exxxotica this year was an Iron Cage.  A description is in order before you can truly visualize its significance in the following scene.  It was free standing consisting of square tubular metal bars on five sides, the final side constructed of three barred doors, each about one third the total height.  But to understand the joy of the following event, you must understand that it was only two foot square top to bottom.  This is not particularly constricting for one person, and it was quite fun to put a lovely lady in the cage, handcuff her hands through the top bars, and then tip the cage over a bit.  It usually presented a rather wide eyed expression for the resident.

I believe it was Friday when I had a conversation with a beautiful young lady in, if I remember correctly, a rather tight dark dress.  We discussed many things, the responsibilities of a submissive, those of a Dominant, and the purpose of requesting to cum.  She was in the cage through most of the conversation and I was outside.  It should be noted at this time that I was also demonstrating the use of a Brookstone pressure vibrator.  This is one that turned on when you pressed it firmly into, at this moment, different parts of her body.  I think this was why we were discussing the purpose of requesting to cum.  (I do hope she remembers the point I made.)

Anyway, while this conversation was going on, I noticed another quite attractive young lady who seemed either particularly interested in our conversation, or rather taken by my demonstrated use of the Brookstone device.  Either way, after asking the current resident, I suggested that the observing young lady might like to join in the demonstration.  She did.  I then informed her that of the three doors available for her to enter the cage, there was only the bottom one that was unlocked, so she would have to get down on her knees and arrange to stand, in that increasingly limited space, next to the current resident.  All parties seemed to express happy anticipation and watching her accomplish that delightful task seemed to be very pleasing to the growing audience.

Well, the conversation and demonstration of the Brookstone device continued.

The whole event got kicked up a notch when a quite beautiful young lady in the audience commented quite loudly on how pleasant it all seemed.  Well, what was I to do?  But after checking with the current two residents of the cage, we all agreed that it would be most enjoyable to have her join them as well.  You should know at this point that this was a truly lovely woman, a few inches taller than either of the current residents and built appropriately.  But she was a very able participant, and watching her crawl through the lower door and work her way up to standing in that cage, making a population of three in a barred in area two foot by two foot, was a sight worthy of loud appreciation.

As far as my personal joy, I think the high point was when I was demonstrating the use of the Brookstone device as it might assist in well…..possibly a breast exam, and had the inestimable pleasure of inserting my hand and forearm quite far into the rather limited area between six (yes, count ’em) six quite lovely breasts.

The entire moment was capped by the first sweet lady looking at me rather plaintively and saying that she had to go, and my realization that she was, at that point, opposite the door.  Again, what was I to do, but with a mixture of sorrow and joy, allow her to exit, as she could, between the other two ladies (now, I am sure, quite close friends), and crawl out the bottom door.  I am sure this all would have been much easier if I had had the keys to the other two doors.  But I didn’t.  What was I to do?

Well, this was one of the obvious high points of the first Friday.  There is more to come, but that will be told in further posts.  Shamefully, I have to admit that there is no way you could enjoy this as much as I did.

The Eroticist

Honesty, Transparency

For quite a while I have been reading a blog from a lovely young girl who talks eloquently about her submission.  She talks about her deep commitment to her Dominant partner, how profoundly erotic is the relationship and how much she trust him with her deepest secrets.

There is much there that is valuable, particularly for women who are just beginning to accept their submissive and possibly masochistic side.  Unfortunately, what she does not discuss, at least not in any detail, is that her Dominant is at a distance, her communication is on line, she is married to a man in the military, and as far as I can tell, she has not disclosed to her husband either her submissive desires, her relationship with her Dominant, nor the fact that she has declared her love for her Dom.  I do not even know if she talks with her Dominant about her marriage but know that she has not mentioned talking to her husband about her Dom.

This is very difficult for me.  My feelings take me to a place where I believe that deep submission requires deep transparency.  Valuable Dominance requires care for a submissives entire life, all aspects, and the health and growth of all areas of it.  I do not see that here.  I see a woman strongly concerned with her own pleasure, irrespective of any care and concern for her husband, and a Dominant who requires, even demands declarations of deep commitment even when responsibility for that commitment is not or can not be taken.  It makes me uncomfortable.

But Dear Lord, I so want to hear those declarations.  I want to see in the face of a submissive woman that adoration that so feeds me.  I can not help but understand the reasons behind those demands, even when the relationship is only with words, or video, and not a touch, or smell, or feel of breath upon the neck.

I have been in that place where I have struggled for the connection lost, or never completely found between myself and one to whom I have committed.  I know how overwhelming powerful that response to words typed exclusively for you, even without all those other truly necessary stimuli.  I know what it feels like to find some small connection to something I have not been able to share, and how necessary it can become.

That place is not an affirming place, for me and certainly not for the one to whom I have committed.  Yet to move from there requires admissions and declarations of need which can change your life profoundly, permanently, and without recourse.  You can not go back.  No wonder it is so common to live in a place where these things are not acknowledged.

I have often said that there is much for which I would wish in my life that I do not presently have.  There are repeated opportunities in my life to try for things that are almost what I want, where I can get a bit, but know it will not fulfill.  But I have a few friends now with whom I can be honest, who know me.  One, a friend of long standing who shares many of my struggles, and another who I know might wish for those things we could share, but who also understands that there is much about my needs that are not her needs and so the level of commitment she desires would not be affirming for either of us.  We are honest with each other.

Will I find someone who fits the puzzle that is me?  Who knows.  No guarantees here.  But I know that if am not honest with her or them, if I do not continually struggle to be transparent with them and to demand transparency from them, that I will have no chance to find my needs fulfilled.

That is what it is all about.  Isn’t it?

The Eroticist

She Isn’t Kidding

What do you do when someone you have known and loved for many many years suddenly tells you she wants you to hurt her?  She wants you to be rough with her.  She wants to be spanked, to be bit, to be slapped, to get marks from you, marks that last.  First, read this.

You have to understand that she is telling you this because she trusts you.  Most likely, if your relationship has been going on for a long time, she has kept this hidden for an even longer time.  She is telling you this because she knows you, and trusts that you can do this out of love and with no intent to harm her, just with an intent to hurt her.

It is the first hurdle that a caring sadistic Dominant must clear.  How do I hurt someone I love?  Let me tell you, she would not be telling you this if it was not a very powerful need within her.  People do not ask to be hurt, ask for pain, for extreme sensation unless they truly want it.  If you DO love her, you must find a way to show her you care enough to give her what she needs.

This was overwhelmingly difficult for her.  She hid this for a lot of very good reasons.  She feared others opinions of her.  She knew that this was “wrong.”  Wanting this made her “perverted”, “twisted”, something to be laughed at, shunned.  If she ever told anyone before, she was probably told she was “sick” and ostracized.  But now, out of trust, she has told you because the need is still there.  So, what are you going to do?  Will you be like the rest and tell her how “wrong” this is?  OK, say good bye now.  Or are you going to Man Up and show her that you can deal with her deep internal needs?  What does loving her mean to you?

If you are a good and caring man you now have to figure out what it means to be “rough” with your lover.  So let me tell you right off that no matter how many times we, as men, are told that violence comes from a place of  aggression and anger, of being “Tough.”  This is not what she wants and not what you should give.  This violence comes from a place of care, love, and concern for your partner, a place of high sexual passion.  This is not coming from a reaction of yours, it is coming from satisfying a need of someone you love, and you have to learn to be sensitive to her cues.

Out in public, perhaps take her hand, and just place your teeth on her arm.  Take hold.  Bite slowly, you will feel when the flesh stops compressing.  Just hold there.  Look at her.  Hold her eyes.  See the gratitude, the excitement, the sexual heat you are creating.  This is foreplay.  Then after you both feel comfortable, try a touch more.

This is to build passion.  Use it that way.  Play.  If she wants to be spanked, sit proud in your chair and point to your lap.  She will know.  It is a fine feeling to have a woman willingly lay herself over your knees, wanting you.  For that is what is happening.  She is saying in the clearest possibly way that she wants what you can give her.  She is giving you her body.  Take it.  Watch her, listen to her breathing, read her body, feel the pain go through her body as you satisfy her.  Go ahead, ask, “Did you like that?”  She will tell you.  “If you did, then say you should say, ‘Thank you.'”  Or perhaps, “Thank you, Sir.”

Pain is a sexual thing.  So make it so.  Talk about what she wants.  Always watch her.  Give her the sexual pain she wants.  Slap her between the legs.  Twist her nipples.  Bite in the most sensitive places.  But always stay connected.  Do not fear giving her pain, but listen to her passion.  You will, I promise you, feel the rewards.  You are doing this because she wants it.  You are doing this because you care for her and want to give her pleasure.  Yes, pleasure.  You may not wish to change places with her.  She may not wish to change places with you.  But this, this sharing of deep desires, will carry you far.

As you learn to read her, watch as her passion grows.  Yes, include all those lovely intrusive sexual acts, but mingle it with pain.  Tell her she may only cum when you allow it, and as you see her holding it back, give her a hard slap and say, “NOW!” and watch that lovely cascade you have caused.  Keep watching, and as she comes back into the world, see the appreciation.  You have given her what, in many cases, she has never received before.  Passionate acceptance.

Eventually, the next day, you will see marks, scratches, bruises, marks of teeth.  Talk about it.  Tell her how you feel.  Let her tell you what they make her feel.  I would suspect her reaction will surprise you.  They will be feelings of pleasure, reminders of passion.  These are not bruises from angry fights, they are short lived reminders that you love her enough to make a statement, that there is passion between you.

Accept her appreciation.  This may be very new to both of you.  So talk about it, often, and at length.  Begin to tell her what it does to you to satisfy this need of hers.  Talk about what all of this means to you.  Find out what it means to her.  Talk.  Communicate.  You may feel concerned that you are doing something wrong.  But that is your social training.  Do you love her?  Do you want to please her?  You are beginning to share with your loved one areas of yourselves that are desperately important and will bond you together on a level you may have never touched before.  It is a good place.

The Eroticist

I want to be NORMAL

With every fiber of my being, I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be accepted.  I wanted to be OK.  I wanted people to look at me and know me and smile and wave and think, there goes a good guy.  I wanted to live a life that is acceptable by the general society.  I had these thoughts and things I wanted.  But it wasn’t normal, and I knew what normal was, it was what I was told how everyone else lived.  It was what I saw on TV.  It was what I was taught about at school, so for forty years, well over half my life, all those thoughts were put away.  No one else had them.  Only me, and I had to hide that.

I did, very well.

Until I got tired of it and I began to accept who I was.  But I am also tired of being thought a creepy old man because I talk about sex.  I am tired of feeling that I am broken, or sick because of the thoughts in my head that never leave.  I hate it when my family wants me to “Just not talk about those things” or might be embarrassed if their friends found out.  I am hurt when I loose friends when I talk about what is really important to me, and I am saddened beyond expression when I hear the whispers behind my back that I should be avoided.  All the people who keep saying “No”, “Don’t”, “Shhhh”, “No one wants to hear that” are supported by everyone it seems.  It must be true.  I want to be Normal.

But it is not me that I want to change.

I am free to speak on unacceptable subjects to people who who are interested in what I have to say.  I enjoy teaching to people who want to learn what I know.  I am willing to accept people who have different interests as long as they accept me and mine.  I do not engage in activities with people who do not actively tell me they desire and enjoy those activities.  Why am I not Normal?  Why is this not Normal?  Why is sex, any kind of sex, abnormal in this society, something to be hidden, of which to be ashamed, not for “polite” people?

This is an important Ted Talk and you should listen to it.  Let us work so more people can be normal.

The Eroticist

Terms and Meanings and Transparency

This post began as a reply to a post on FetLife.  The question had to do with terms Sensual or Romantic Dominant or Sadist, but the response certainly can be applied to all terms used within a BDSM context, perhaps within a broader context.

There is no book, no rules, and certainly no “REAL” way of doing things. Those that tell you so may be trying more to convince you that they have some level of authority and deserve more respect. (Watch out for that one, even with me.) Each person tends to use terms that are familiar and comfortable to them. That does not mean there is any more “truth” to those terms than any other. Always ask if you are confused.

Through many discussions I have had about sadism, the definitions tend to group into two differing areas, the sadists who enjoy doing things that their partners do NOT enjoy doing, but will do for their sadist; and the sadists like me who look for a masochistic partner who accepts pain and can convert it into sexual stimulation and passion.

While I definitely identify as a Dominant as well as a sadist, I would also use labels such as “sensual”, because I emphasize sexual stimulation at all levels of my play, and “romantic” because I look for a compatible partner with whom I can have a long term, deeply loving relationship. But I use these words only because they have particular meaning for me, and communicate a general idea to others who listen, not because they have any form of rigorous meaning within a BDSM context.

For instance, I do not believe that my being a sensual Dominant Sadist has anything to do with the absence of pain even rather severe pain. I tend to enjoy a heavy mix of the two. I do not think being a sadist has to do with an absence of romance as well, for I believe the best scenes are infused with connection and personal closeness and bonding.

The most important aspect of all of this is that while I use the terms that are meaningful to me, I encourage questions from my partner so she will eventually understand those meanings.  The TERMS, are vague and general until those meanings are understood.  So even within the deepest Dominant and submissive relationship where there is a wide difference in roles chosen, open honest communication between the partners, where each side speaks and listens in the most transparent way, is profoundly important.  I can not emphasize enough the listening part of that.

Transparent communication should not be considered purely on a factual basis.  Being honest and complete in what you say is important, but equally important is emotional transparency.  Telling your partner that hearing something makes you feel a certain way is very valuable, even if you do not understand the “why” of it.  These emotions should be heard in the same accepting way, even if you do not know the “why” of it.  Perhaps if you listen more, the “why” will come clear.

There are times when I would wish we had a far more complete emotional vocabulary than we do.  Emotions travel through our systems all the time, but we often assume that the areas we can point to, where we can show cause and effect have far more relevance.  “Just the Facts, Ma’am.”  I tend to think that often these feelings and emotions come first, and the words, the stories are created to fit the emotions we feel.  I have seen that in times of great depression.

So accept the questions and make time for them.  Open yourself to hearing the emotions without explanations.  Listen first, perhaps waiting to respond.  What words mean to you is not necessarily what they mean to your partner.  It can take time to build that language you share, but it is time well spent.

The Eroticist

Abuse Causes SadoMasochism?

All through my exploration of the BDSM lifestyle, my Dominance, and my sexual Sadism, I have heard well reasoned reports, some from well respected scientific journals, about the causal association between early physical and sexual abuse and a later interest in Sadomasochism.  Everyone around me, until I found a community, confirmed that Sadomasochistic behavior was so twisted and destructively perverse that it must have come from some traumatic event, for it could not be a desire born naturally into anyone other than a psychopath.

In discussion groups held through BDSM communities to which I began to belong I heard an inordinately large number of reports of early abusive relationships and met people who talked painfully of going from one abusive relationship to another before finding a BDSM community where they were able to experience their desires and needs in a safe and caring relationship. The message was so clear that I began to search through my memories to try to find instances of abuse in my early life which might have caused my interest and enjoyment in sexual Sadism.

Well, as anyone who has looked into the Salem Witch Trials can tell you, if you are convinced that something is there, you will tend to find it, and I did.  But the memories seemed so tenuous and questionable that I felt very uncomfortable accepting them. Then I saw a study that seemed to say that there is little difference between those who identify with interest in the BDSM lifestyle and those in the general population, not only in general socioeconomic criteria but in history of abuse.  While I would love to see further study, this did not explain to me the high number of reports I heard among people in my local communities of early abuse.

Before I continue, I would like to state, with homage to Robert Young, that I am not a therapeutic professional, though I have played one one TV.  What happened was that I began to question the assumptions of the early messages I heard stating that any interest in Sadomasochism must have come from abuse for it could not be a naturally occurring interest.  I began to wonder what would it mean if these desires, on either side of the relationship, were naturally occurring interests, and what would happen to someone who had those interests but were raised in a society where the interests and desires were so unacceptable that they could not be explored nor even acknowledged?

Well, I suggest that each person would be naturally drawn to someone of the opposite inclination, sadist to masochist, masochist to sadist.  I further suggest that if that coupling occurs between people who have strong desires in their (dare I say) God given direction, but with no training in how to experience them safely, adding to that an environment of shame and possible self condemnation, that combination could make for a volatile and possibly abusive relationship.

[I feel I must say at this point that abuse does occur, both inside and outside of sadomasochistic relationships.  I am not trying to redefine it, explain it nor excuse it.  No matter what the cause, abuse is inexcusable and should be something that requires immediate therapeutic care.]

Does this explain the number of stories I have heard, the tales of coming from an abusive background?  Not necessarily.  As I say, I am not a therapeutic professional, nor a sociological statistician.  But it does answer some questions for me and so, until something better comes along, I will tend to go with it.

I do believe that you can be a born sadist or a born masochist.  But I also believe that in the complex world of human sexuality and interpersonal relationships, no matter what your inclination, SM or not, it is wise to get a great deal of competent sexual education, something unfortunately very difficult to find in this society.  I also believe that it is possible to have a deeply sadomasochistic relationship that is at the same time joyous, fun, affirming, healthy, and physically safe and enjoyable.  You just have to learn how to do it.  What I do not believe is that SM is inherently abusive.  So, as Sergeant Phil Esterhause used to say, “Hey, let’s be careful out there.”

The Eroticist

There is an excellent post by one of my favorite bloggers, Clarisse Thorn which seems to fit here.  She is truly so much better a writer that I.