Posts from the ‘Safety and Protection’ Category

Wants, Needs and Abilities.

The issue of wants and needs is often discussed in terms of those on the right side of the slash, /s.  It is often said that it is the submissive’s or slave’s responsibility to expose to their Dominant/Master/Owner all their perceived wants and needs (not necessarily an easy introspection) and it is the Dominant’s or Master’s responsibility to decide which are in actuality a want even if perceived by the sub/slave as a need and vise versa.

It is also important for an equal or greater introspection on the part of the Dominant/Master/Owner to understand Their wants and needs, also a difficult task. From people I respect it is generally thought to have an order of priority:

  1. submissive’s needs
  2. Dominant’s needs
  3. Dominant’s wants
  4. submissive’s wants

It is important to note, thought not the point of this post, that the submissive’s needs come first.  Get used to it.

Another firmly held belief of mine is that while the submissive is responsible to the Dominant, the Dominant is responsible to the relationship, and this takes me to the point of my post.  While it is lovely to have the authority to structure a relationship where you are totally in charge, your sub always does what you want, and if there is any variance you have the right to be that gloriously firm and commanding presence who can punish to your hearts content.  There are times when as much as you and your loving submissive wants them to do as you wish, there are things about their physical or emotional history, condition, or experience that make that impossible.  Their Abilities.

So what is one to do?  As is usually the case, you are not told about these things in advance.  You discover them through a series of failures.  After a long, possibly painful series of minor or major disasters, constantly questioning whether or not your submissive truly wants this relationship, you are continually presented with a choice. Possibly a long series of repeatedly seeing this choice, perhaps only once.  Is this inability something I can live with?  Is it outside of My needs?  Is it permanent, will it ever change, or with care and help, will the ability grow as maturity evolves?

Because this is not something that responds well to “Dominance” however much you want to respond with, “I say to do it, so do it”.  It responds to care, patience, and a responsibility to the relationship.  This is why the submissive’s needs come first and your needs might have to wait.

But, and to make this so incredibly more difficult, you have to continually respond to that choice.  Is this something I can live with, is it truly an inability or is it an easy out and a form of topping from the bottom.  There I can give you no help.  It is a question you much continually face and answer, moment to moment.  Such is the life.

The Eroticist

Exxxotica, Dallas

I know, I know, I have promised far more posts about my trip to Chicago, and I do hope to continue.  However, there was much physical and emotional preparation to be done as I now had an opportunity to attend the Exxxotica in Dallas, a new and exciting event for me, with some interesting new dynamics.

The most exciting part about it was that I was able, for the first time, to take my puppy bear with me.  She is an excellent spokeswoman and was an incredible assistance with her organization and ability to describe a bit of what it is like to be at the other end of the whip.  She was also able to talk knowledgeably about being the supporter (usually called the submissive/slave) in a Leader/supporter (D/s, M/s) relationship.  The Exxxotica Dungeon is often filled with more “Dominant” or “Top” types and it is harder to get that kind of personal information.  I could not have dealt with the vast numbers of people who came to the Dungeon without her help.

The other exciting participant was my lovely friend “Frau Blundt” who readers know from many Chicago Exxxoticas.  She was there in great glory passing on her tutelage for any of her “loving little boys and girls”.  Though I think it might be best for her to speak for herself, with her permission, I may be allowed to speak a bit on her engagements with not one, but two different Batmen.

But what I wish to speak about most is the somewhat unusual situation we found ourselves in due to some concerns with the Dallas populous.  I certainly understand the concerns of Dallas Women’s Foundation President Roslyn Dawson Thompson and Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings.  I am glad to see any organization stand up for people wishing to leave any form of sex trade and anyone who has read my blog should be well aware of my strong position against abuse of women.   I am aware of many strong positions on sexual abstinence and encourage anyone of strong religious belief to refrain from engaging in practices which go against those beliefs.  I am sure it was considered necessary to sign the documents we did restricting our dress, requiring us to refrain from touching any exposed flesh, and even possibly the paragraph stating that we had to immediately cease any of our educational activities in the Exxxotica Dungeon if there was any verbal indication that any visitor was “enjoying” it or “moaning” in any way.

However, though I would like to believe that the protesters in front of the entrance were motivated by their spiritual love and care for their fellow humans, I am not sure that was sufficiently conveyed by their shouts of “Whore”, “Child Raper”, “Cock Sucker”, to anyone passing by and their signs saying, “You deserve to be Raped” and “God Laughs at your Rape”.  I  am reminded of the kind of treatment that many homosexuals have and still receive from people professing a wish for the benefit of others.

I remember when a girlfriend of my youngest child mentioned in passing her attendance at a club I knew was aimed at the more kink friendly people.  Knowing she was a seminary student, I asked her why she went there.  She told me that the people who go to clubs like that always seemed to respect her more, and never argued when she said, “No”.  But when she went to “vanilla” clubs, she had to deal with unwanted touching, rude comments, particularly when alone, and people who would not take “No” for an answer.

While I do understand that Rape happens, that women are abused, and that many people do need assistance leaving a lifestyle that is unpleasant for them, sex and erotic joy is not the cause of those things.  Sex is used by people who have issues with hate, personal inadequacies and their own feelings within themselves.  Perhaps they should become more comfortable with themselves and the wide range of caring human sexuality before they cast their hate upon others.

The Eroticist

A Tumblr post

Yes, I know, I have promised to post more on Exxxotica, but I got hit with some additional surgery, and I am recovering, so just wait, ok?

However, in my bed of pain I ran across a tumblr that truly impressed me.  It is the first I have ever actually chosen to follow rather than just stalk.  It is obviously from a person of intelligence and and literary acumen.  Good photos and excellent texts.

On it, today, I found the following interchange, though the actual post is from a while back.  That interchange was originally on this blog.  It just pointed so squarely to so many of my issues within the BDSM community that I am FORCED (ahem, yea) to quote it.  Because I have not yet received instructions as to how to handle his links, I will some within []s.


Anonymous asked:

Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

Original post answered:

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new Doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a Dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a Dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met [My pet] 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a Dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL Domly Dom, I would’ve demanded those things.

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A Dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A Dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A Dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A Dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A Dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A Dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A Dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A Dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A Dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A Dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A Dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A Dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a Dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

So what does it mean, then, to be a Dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a Dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with [my pet]. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a Dominant does too.

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a Dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a Dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.


I could not have said it better myself, though I am sure I will continue to try.

The Eroticist

 

Going Home

It is that time of year again when Exxxotica goes to Chicago.  There be my old home town and I greatly enjoy the visit with old high school friends, relatives and significant others, OWS in particular.  I have been involved in the Exxxotica Dungeon for 3 maybe 4 years now and truly enjoy my time there.  Besides being able to wander around a huge convention full of porn actresses and kinky people pointedly cracking my whip, I greatly enjoy talking to the many people there who have interest in, but do not have much experience in or knowledge about the scene.

I am constantly surprised at the amount of preconceived misconception there is about the scene, how you should behave, or what the acceptable roles might be, and I greatly enjoy politely telling people, “ah, well, that is not really how it works.” or “You know, there is no rule book.” or informing them that there is nothing in the scene that says what they want to do is not acceptable.  The kink and BDSM lifestyle is about releasing you from the constraints that your environment and society put on you, not about forcing you into a new set.

I am proud to announce that I have also been asked to give some demos and/or lectures for Swingzotica, an event that is happening inside of Exxxotica for lifestyle members.  (jeesh, “Lectures” sounds awfully grown up.  I prefer to just dialog, you know, talk.)  But those will be happening after Exxxotica closes each day.  If this branch of the lifestyle is of interest to you, I encourage you to look into it.  I am told that they will have a specific area of the hotel all to themselves, but you should hurry, as at last communication, there had only 5 rooms left.

I will do my best to inform you all of the delightful events happening.  But that may not happen until I return home.  I will be lucky enough to have the assistance of BonB, an international actress and educator, who long time readers may remember from my blogs on Exxxotica 2013.  (If you want to know that story, you will have to ask.)  She will also be representing Kinky Kolledge.  She is an excellent communicator and will definitely be able to convey insights into the right side of the D/s, S/m slashes.

I look forward to seeing you all.  Please let me know if you are a reader.  I definitely want to meet you.

The Eroticist

A New Submissive, Children and Finding Someone On Line

I apologize for taking so long to get back to Exxxotica, and this will only be delayed further as I have a heavy weekend ahead and I was recently asked to comment on some important issues.  A young mother expressed to me a growing interest in the BDSM lifestyle and an interest in finding a relationship on line as she was a single mother and felt strongly about the protection of her child.  She had no experience in finding a BDSM partner and wanted some advice as to what direction to take.

My answer was the following:

There is a truly HUGE amount about which I would wish to comment.  I will try to hit everything, but again, it is a lot.  It is important, but it is absolutely my own opinion.  My puppy bear is a lovely submissive and strongly masochistic woman with two preteen children.  I have asked her to add her thoughts.  Those will be in italics.
So, the subjects you bring up are, in general, the following:

1)  Being a Mother and keeping your sexual life private from your child(ren).

TE:  To be honest with you I will tell you that I am a Strong believer in open and honest communication, particularly with your children.  However, there are a lot of caveats there.  If you are dealing with children young enough not to understand the difference between your unique and private personal family lives and what you freely share with your second grade class in “Show and Tell”, then a large degree of decorum must be maintained.

I do not believe it appropriate in any way to invite your underage children to participate in any way in your sex life whether it be the purest Christian Vanilla Missionary style or the kinkiest form of erotic SM play.

However, no matter how private you keep things, it is inevitable that something will happen and questions will be asked.  It is at that time that an honest discussion must be had.  But there is no reason why you have to pour out every detail of your intimate flow of juices to your curious child.  If, for instance, your child asks why she heard Mommy yelling last night, I feel it totally unnecessary and dangerous to begin to develop a long story about how Mommy fell and hurt herself.  In my opinion the Best answer is, “Well, I will answer honestly, it has to do with Mommy and Daddy’s sex life.  Everything is good and loving and wonderful between Mom and Dad (or Mom and her friend) and no one was hurt.  We were having fun.  Do you want to know more?”  And in most cases, the answer will be “No”.  Kids usually don’t want to know about their parents making the beast with two backs, or whatever, so don’t bother going ahead with explanations they don’t want to hear.

An exploration of what they really ask about, and an honest answer will go far further in building a good relationship and trust between you, than any level of “protective” stories.  Kids really do know when you lie.

Again, this is my opinion from bringing up two happy and healthy boys in a house with my single tail collection hanging on my office wall.  If they asked, I answered.  Both boys have their own lives now, and are exploring their own individual choices within an atmosphere of great love from both their parents.

PB:  First off, I completely understand the desire to ‘shield’ your children from this part of your life all together.  That would be so much easier in so many ways.  But…..at least in my case, I have found that nearly impossible.  I agree that honesty is the best course of action….but I, myself, would likely buffer that transparency a tad.  First off – if your children are in the house then use a damn gag, for goodness sake.  Even the most well-adjusted, calm and open-minded child will NOT want to hear their mother screaming – be it from pain or pleasure.  I think a simple answer that divulges as little as necessary is appropriate.  ‘Yes, even grown-ups like to pretend sometimes and the handcuffs are fun when I am pretending to be captured.’  I have a much harder time with the topic of marks on my body.  Children (mine, at least) seem to not quite get the concept of privacy and so it has proven impossible to hide all marks on my body from them.  Personally, I have not done a good job with this one.  The result is that my oldest is aware of something….she is embarrassed by any marks that may show outside of my clothes…but I don’t think she really knows what they are from…and of course we all know the stories an imagination can create absent the truth are usually tenfold worse than the real thing.  

2)  Exploring a relationship on line.

TE:  I am aware of many people who have on line relationships that are healthy, affirming and rewarding.  I also know many people who have on line relationships which are not.  I think the most important thing to understand is that an on line relationship is not the same as one in real life for many different reasons.  It is not a practice run, it is not “almost” a real life relationship, it is different.  It is on line, and because of that, in my opinion, it is based almost entirely in fantasy.

Over untold ages humankind has learned to observe those with whom they interact.  Body position, tone of voice, eye movement, smell, hand movement.  Now that we communicate so much by text we tend to feel that these things are not necessary to communication.  But I say they are.  They are, in fact, so necessary that we imagine them as we read, just as when we read a novel we imagine the actions and behavior of the participants.  But here is the issue.  We are the ones who are imagining.  It is not coming from the person sending the text.  So in a way, it is like getting text with all these question sheets, and we fill them out with all the answers that confirm what it is we want to hear and not necessarily what it is that is being said.

So, eventually comes the actual meetings and the overwhelming surprises.  Since I presume you do eventually want a lifelong relationship with your ideal Dominant, now comes the unfortunate process of unlearning what you have now learned on line, and adjusting to the reality of person to person interactions.  Believe me. They be different.

PB:   Are you interested in an online relationship to help keep distance between this and the rest of your life?  If so, it may suffice…..but keep in mind that if you find the D/s dynamic truly fulfilling you may likely long for more intimacy, contact and ownership than a virtual r’ship can provide for you.  My first exposure to D/s was online and I felt it was a good ‘warm-up’ to see if I really enjoyed this sort of thing….sort of a low-risk trial period.  But I found, pretty soon, that I wanted much more than an online situation could provide.  Technology certainly helps with this sort of thing….it is possible to feel connected, aroused, pleasured together even though separated by miles.  But, personally, I found it very limited and unsatisfying fairly quickly. 

3)  Deciding on what kind of relationship you really want.

TE:  This is, by FAR, the most difficult step for both a submissive and a Dominant.  We are not taught in this society to look into ourselves and accept who it is we really are.  We are primarily taught to observe what society and our friends and our teachers tell us we should be and should want, and to model our behavior to match that in order to be accepted and safe.  But for many of us, sooner or later, as you are discovering, that structure of behavior just don’t make it.  We find that we can not maintain the role.  This is not a bad thing.  But just because it is not a bad thing does not make it an easy thing.  I freely admit that it was and is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and it is absolutely ongoing.  It does not stop.

So it is time to start.  It requires you to clearly envision what you want to get, what you want to give, and how that is to be done.  It requires research.  In other words, you have to begin to learn what is out there and all the different and strange kinky things that people do, and decide if that is for you.  The easiest way to do that is to read and research on line.  When you see something, or hear about something and finally understand a bit about what that actually entails, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It will tell you a lot.  If you feel yourself getting breathless or want to read the passage again, or watch the video again, that really is saying something to you.  This is something you want to approach.  If you read or view something that really sort of bores you and you move on quickly, think about it.  WHY is it uninteresting?  Is it the behavior, the relationship you assume, or is it possibly frightening?  All good reasons to, at this time, avoid it.  Perhaps it would be good for you later, perhaps not.  But there is no reason for you to pursue now.  Remember:  This behavior is for you  and no matter how “submissive” you wish to eventually be in a relationship, it is still, now and for all time, for your Pleasure, Enjoyment, and Fulfillment.

Finally, a caveat, while movies, clips, books, stories, and many internet sites involving kink and BDSM life can go a long way to introduce and inform you about what is possible for you, they are primarily written, filmed and produced to titillate and attract, not necessarily to inform as to reality.  A simplistic example would be that it may be incredibly hot to imagine being strung up in a closet all day while your Master/Owner goes off to work.  It is also a good way to die.  Bondage seems simple, but it causes more injury and death than any other form of play in which we engage.

PB:  I find this is SUCH a difficult question to answer…..not to mention that it is often a moving target.  We are constantly evolving and so what it might take to make us happy will likely evolve right along with us.  I like the concept of imagining the RELATIONSHIP you want vs. the DOMINANT.  It helps you focus on what is really important.  Personally, I have only begun to be able to think in concrete terms about what I want after real life experience.  Submission and this type of dynamic was too unknown and nebulous for me to be able to form intelligent ideas of what I did or did not want.  I found talking through this with a trusted member of the kink community immensely helpful.  

TE:  So, with the above three discussions you might get the impression that I truly recommend a difficult level of honesty with yourself and those you most love, and a strong recommendation that you can learn FAR more from real life encounters with real people than you can just reading, watching and interacting on line, all of which is true.  But there is a LOT more I would wish to say before THAT step is made.  That brings me to issue #4.

4)  Keeping yourself safe.

I do not know your location, so some of what I say might be difficult.  I was introduced into the public kink scene while I lived in Los Angeles and I had a multitude of different venues to choose from at which to learn, see demo’s and meet a wide variety of people, both good and bad.  It was a fine and valuable education which formed a great deal of what I recommend.

I think the first thing to do is to contact a large and reputable community as close as possible to you,  Yes, on line, but eventually in a place you can visit.  There are many all over the country.  Though the broader site does not have one particular location, I strongly recommend FetLife.Com as a community to explore.  It is world wide and has an overwhelming number of smaller groups for specific locations.

Once you find a local, or close community, attempt to connect with people who are like you (particularly if you and they have young children, for they have delt with the same issues) both in situation and in inclination (a relatively young submissive woman, masochistic if you are).  Talk, Take your time.  Understand that on many different levels You Are NEW MEAT.  While that is a direct warning to avoid immediate contact with the large number of Sexual Dominants (both heterosexual and lesbian) who will approach you, it is also a warning against people who want you to immediately join this group because they want you to understand right away how much better they are than that group.  Unfortunately that attitude is rampant in the lifestyle, no matter what part of the country you are.

Eventually, you will want to go to some form of community gathering.  They come in all flavors.  Public gatherings at a restaurant (munches), educational events, lectures or demo’s, and, of course, the play party.  If you have talked and gotten to know someone of your inclination, go to one of these events when you can meet them.  You will be introduced and probably almost immediately approached by someone who is just the most perfect person that can possibly be.  Ah, probably this is not the time to go off and have a private meeting with him so he can tell you how the BDSM scene really is, what a “real” Dominant is, and how a “real” submissive should behave towards them.  Now is the time to go home, take a Big breath, and see how all this sits inside.  Then, when you are absolutely and totally comfortable, go again and do the same.

Are you hearing me?  What I am saying is Take Things Slowly.  You will not want to.  You have just discovered Nirvana, a release from a state of suffering.  But sweet, most precious, unique and special person, you still have a lot to learn.

If, at any time, in this slow and lovely process, you see someone whose style, look, behavior and words seem to attract you, then it might be time to ask around a bit.  Does he already have a submissive, in which case it might be reputable very good to meet and talk with them both?  Is he or you interested in a multiple partner family?  If he is single, has he had submissives before?  Talk to them.  Why is the relationship no longer active?  Are they friends?  What is your take (Listen To Your Body) on the submissive?  After this, then you might want to talk to the actual Dominant.

I can not tell you what an overwhelming complement it is to be approached by a submissive who has done her homework, has learned about you, knows a lot about what she wants, and freely admits that she is attracted to you.  It is a truly wonderful place to start negotiations.

Whew:  OK, Negotiations.  Remember, you may be a submissive, but you are not anyone’s submissive.  You are still your own woman with your own needs and wants and every right in the world to get exactly what it is you need, and maybe what you want.  There is NO reason why you should be overly deferential or submissive to this person.  You should be polite and confident.  An oft used phrase of mine is, “I would far rather have the momentary submission of a Queen, than the abject slavery of a wretch.”  Submission is in no way subservience.  In my relationship I want self confidence, pride, character, and insight.  How much more valuable that is.  I want every gift my submissive can give me, and I can not know all the many gifts she has.

Finally, if your situation precludes the possibility of exploring within the context of a community and you are eventually forced to meet a prospective Dominant on your own and possibly on his turf, do a great deal of research on safe meetings and safe calls.  I can not emphasize that enough.  If you ask I will explain.

PB:  Definitely look into Fetlife and find the groups near your area.  There will likely be some sort of submissive group that could be a good place to start looking for friendly faces.  Even if you aren’t ready for anything local, there are several online submissive groups that would be useful for you to listen to and learn from.  But please do remember……each path is unique.  Listen and learn how others handle their kink lives and remember those things that resonate with you, discard the rest.  If you are willing to meet folks in real life,  I strongly suggest, as Arach did, that you start out S-L-O-W.  This can be VERY HARD to do…..talk about a kid in a candy store!  But you really want quality over quantity.   Get to know folks, socialize only, for awhile…..find one or two Dom/mes or tops that you feel comfortable with and who have a good reputation (asking for references is common and expected) and just spend time slowly exploring what is available on a play partner basis versus a Dom/sub relationship.  This will help you build up that description of the relationship you want, without complicating it by attaching it to one particular person.  As you learn more and gain a better understanding of yourself as a submissive, it will be much easier for you to determine those qualities in a Dominant partner that will fulfill you.

TE:  I hope what I have said has brought up untold questions and would hope that you ask them all.

The Eroticist

For the Love of a Submissive

This was quoted in a Tumblr gathered by my puppy bear and I found it spot on.  After a bit of looking I found the original here if you wish to follow.

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Dominant Traits – Submission is Earned Not Ordered

In my seemingly endless quest to identify and describe the essence of Dominance and submission I have often found it easier to describe what it is not versus what it is. My writing it turns out has been less an act of description and more an effort to identify boundaries, framing D/s into something coherent and tangible. So once again I am going to begin with the contrast of what Dominance is not, and in so doing hopefully allude to what it is.

The greatest misconception I see from aspiring and wannabe Doms is that Dominance is about asserting active control and giving orders to satisfy one’s own desires. There is no doubt that the carrying out of commands can be a manifestation and indeed a fringe benefit of being a Dominant, but the selfish motivation is all wrong. Hubris, hedonism and narcissism are not the bedrock on which Dominance is built. Indeed, they are the enemy and even antithesis of successful dominance.

A submissive does not initially kneel because she has been ordered to. A submissive kneels because a Dominant has entered her world who recognized her deep seated need to kneel before another and serve them completely. But she does not kneel simply because she is in the company of one claiming to be a Dominant. Rather, she does so because someone has finally proven themselves worthy of her gifts and has successfully unlocked her desire to grant them without reservation.

The Dominant does not accomplish this through orders but rather through patient questioning and attentive active listening. The Dominant does not order a submissive to her knees to serve him but rather creates an environment of trust, desire and anticipation within which the submissive falls to her knees in devoted service of her own volition. Despite the pornographic BDSM imagery of force and even brutality and humiliation between a Dominant and submissive, long before there is kink and physical power exchange there is generally a full and complete emotional exchange of power. This is not done through bludgeoning or brutality but rather through patient and loving drawing out of desire. It is coaxing not command.

When my Muse first knelt for me I did not order her to her knees, she asked permission to do so. My job as Dominant was not to command but rather to enable. She reached the decision that I was the one she wanted to kneel before on her own. I simply created the environment where she felt comfortable, safe and desirous of doing so and I have the duty to continually and unfailingly nurture that environment for as long as our relationship continues. It is work. It is hard work.

A Dominant doesn’t get to enjoy this level of devotion and service by sitting back imperiously giving orders. They do so by continually and actively investing in the betterment of the relationship and the people within it. That means not only continually working to draw out the best in a submissive, but also continually seeking to be a better and more worthy Dominant. It is an active pursuit that takes hard work and unflinching dedication.

It is true that as a Dominant I get to give orders and often benefit directly from their being carried out; it is indeed good to be in command. But while I may be in command today, I have to continually earn the position, and could lose it in a heartbeat through misdeed or neglect. It is a revokable honor. But I did not gain the status of command by giving orders. I can give orders because the position of command has been granted me by a submissive. This is a distinction that seems to be lost on many.

Menacingly snarling out orders like “On your knees slut” does not make anyone a Dominant, but being a Dominant earns the ability to give such orders. Before any of that, the respect and desire of a submissive must be earned and that is an act of drawing out, not commanding. Only after submission is truly earned and freely given can a Dominant presume to have the right and ability to give orders. And even at that, obedience is only obtained when there is will and desire to do so. It is the job of the dominant to foster that desire.

I would argue that the title of Dominant or Master is NOT something one confers upon oneself as I so often see here on Tumblr and elsewhere. It is an identity and honorific that is earned from and bestowed by a submissive. I may believe myself to have a dominant personality, but I am not a “Dominant” or “Master” until a submissive identifies me as hers and we agree to that relationship. Anything less is mere posturing and bluster.

So the bottom line is that submission is earned not ordered. Dominance is a gentle act of drawing out not commanding; indeed it is a high form of seduction versus brutality. And while Dominants have egos, the act of dominance is not an ego-driven domineering state. It is perhaps most surprisingly an act of vulnerability and love.

© For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

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The Eroticist

Control

It has been a long time since I have written here. I apologize for that. As I think you know, I have recently moved several states from California, and for good or ill, I will tell you now that Texas is far more than moving to another state. It is more like moving to another world. I am still struggling to understand the differences in weather. While I have, over the last 30 some years, come to adjust to the expectation of severe fires and the rumble of earthquakes, it was with a fair bit of concern that, in a visit to the local library, I saw several large and insistent signs that read, “Tornado Protection Room”. Toto, we’re not in California any more.

However, I can say that this new world has presented me with some truly wonderful opportunities. There is a vibrant community here and opportunities to meet, talk and play with its members on a daily basis. Far more than was available even in the active metropolis of Los Angeles. Beyond that, I have had the great joy of meeting a lady of deep service and incredible masochism. She is my puppy bear, and we are peacefully and joyously moving through the process of establishing a D/s relationship, moving towards one as M/s, uniquely defined by our individual wishes.

This, obviously, brings me to the subject of the day. But as a caveat, I have to say that there are many who would disagree with my words. I hold to and express my own opinions here. LOL, that is one of the joys of writing your own blog.

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This lifestyle is surrounded by rather simplistic views.  Media presentations, the views of the general public, and surprisingly, those of many of its practitioners hold that the Dominant says, and the submissive does.  Obedience.  While I have seen people I deeply respect live this level of relationship.  You have to get there first.

When one looks at a Dominant and submissive relationship it is usually thought to be of a particular construct. Look at the words. One is Dominant over the submissive. The other is submissive to the wishes of the Dominant. The Dominant, He or She has power over the other. “You Will Do As I SAY.”, “My way or the Highway.”  You might expect that when a person who identifies as a submissive personality approaches one of a Dominant personality that attracts them, asking if the Dominant might consider the submissive, that the D-type would then prepare or have available a list of desires, possibly protocols, possibly directives that the submissive should or must follow to be acceptable to the Dominant. I have seen or heard about many relationships which began in such a way.

Yep, there are tons of things I like, and I will try to communicate those desires to someone I am considering for a relationship so that they can do thing the way I want.  Some are simple, and I can communicate by saying simple things.  I like my coffee with two or three packets of splenda depending on the size of the cup and with a fair bit of half and half.  When I am having breakfast with my partner, I expect her to prepare it to my taste.  There are other things that are harder to delineate, like the kind of sex I enjoy.  That is a process of doing things and consistently questioning, “did you like that?”, “Was that too intense?”, much like a SM scene, reflecting what I see in her expression, breathing, hesitations or words and asking what these signs mean.  This is a longer process.  But if I find someone who is not overwhelmingly enthusiastic over the kind of sex I like, no matter how submissive they might be, the relationship is not going to be rewarding to me.  I know that.

It seems pretty obvious that within this type of relationship, certainly with the little things and somewhat more important things (yea, like sex is somewhat more important), if my partner does not feel rewarded by pleasing me, the relationship is not going to work.  But we do eventually come to situations where, for reasons that I firmly believe are for the physical or emotional benefit of this person, I wish to tell them I do not wish them to continue in a particular behavior, or I wish them to do something that was not a habit for them before.  So the question is, “How much do they wish me to actually Control them?”

Many people in the world can not identify with this, and that is fine.  It is not for them.  But I firmly believe from my personal experience that some individuals truly need control.  Now I am not saying that they are childish and need parental restraints.  I am not saying that these people need to be controlled for the safety of themselves and society, though obviously some do.  But I am saying that there are individuals in this world that are happier and can lead more fulfilled lives within a context of loving outside control.  They are more comfortable.  

Believe me, they will fight it.  But I firmly believe they will be happier if they have it.

Now absolutely, I understand that what I just said, they will fight it, but they need it for their own benefit, is unquestionably an available excuse for abuse.  I can ignore what you say you want, and punish you for not doing what I say.  And what am I to do with that?  If you are fighting my control, how do I know that my control is nevertheless what you want and need?  Again, there is no rule book here.  But it is absolutely necessary for any Dominant to find that out.  It has to be tested, over and over and over, until you are sure.  You might even try asking.

Spend time paying attention.  Give advice and see if it is followed.  If it is not, then ask if this level of control is really what they want.  Acknowledge the difficulties, and ask if they trust you.  Do not just demand.  Explain why you have made your decision.  Explain why you feel it is for their benefit.  Most importantly, ask how they would feel if you said, “I don’t care.  Do what you want.”  Ask.  For it is vitally important that you know and that they know, that this level of control is what they want.  Listen.  They will tell you.

Just because someone identifies as submissive, just because someone identifies as Dominant does not give licence to the arbitrary.  This relationship is based on deep communication and trust, mutual understanding and acceptance of each other’s needs.  It takes attention and work.  Try it.