Posts from the ‘Sensuously Sexual’ Category

Chicago, Friends, Weather and Bruises

We continue onward.  After and during Exxxotica I was graced with the generosity of a dear friend, one I have known since College, who I will only name as OWS.  He will know why.  We spent the next week together when he was not at work and he very generously gave me his car for transportation.  LOL, well, I did need to drop him off and pick him up from work.

It was a week of exploration, lovely meals, vast amounts of Brazilian music, stories and LONG conversations.  It was an unequivocal delight.  One particularly lovely lunch we had was at Montana Ted’s.  While the food was good, as good as the company, I particularly want to comment on the service.  While some may expect service in a restaurant to be quiet, solicitous, and prompt, much like Downton Abby, and there certainly is a place for that, I tend to respond to a respectful and knowledgeable server who is willing to share their humanity with me, and the staff at Montana Ted’s did that in spades.  We had wide ranging conversations from service and customers, to the purpose of my being in Chicago and sexual education.  I even challenged our own waitress to come up with a question in my particular subject of interest and I was pleased and excited that it was a well considered one and she listened intently to the answer.

OWS and I talked excitedly with not only our waitress, but two others who were joyfully paired as trainer and trainee (something with which I can identify), and that day’s Manager, all of whom were friendly, smiling, interested, and with whom we had delightful conversations.  I am very pleased to say that OWS texted me a day ago saying, “Tiffany sends her greetings from Montana Ted’s.  She said the whole staff really enjoyed ur visit….”  What could be better?

While people and places were a particular pleasure for me, I want to thank OWS for his overwhelmingly exciting display of weather.  The days were lovely, warm, sunny, and fun, while the evenings, both my last Friday and Saturday, were filled with the most exciting Thunderstorms I could desire.  We spent one evening out in his garage so we could sit before the wide open door and watch the cells move by with intense and constant lightning, only to be followed by the display of lightning bugs coming out in the cooling air.  We do not have these in Santa Barbara, neither the cacophony of thunder and lightning, nor the bugs of child’s wonder.  It was incredibly nostalgic.

But there was another element of my Chicago trip to which I alluded and which needs further elucidation.  I mentioned in previous blogs a young lady who stated that she desired bruises on areas which were already bruised.  Because of this, and not because that was the most significant element of our time together, I will refer to her as “BonB”.

Though I had given her my card after our scene, I was surprised to get an email from her, Sunday night, I think, mentioning the bruises and acknowledging that I told her I greatly enjoyed cuddle time and saying she would love an opportunity to give me that if it was possible before I left.

In our discussions before, after and during the afternoon we spent together we spent a great deal of time discussing limits which was very valuable and important.  Penile insertion either vaginally or anally was not allowed.  Submission was not her direction (“I just don’t really get off on the whole ‘Sir’ ‘Master’ and ‘Daddy’ thing”) but she did enjoy being a highly masochistic bottom.  (For those who are unsure, a bottom is one who received sadistic play while not necessarily wishing to give over any authority to her “Top”.)  Finally she expressed herself strongly about being a little girl to a Daddy.  I think the word she used was, “nonsense”.  Another concern that came up was, “I really really don’t understand how a person could be a ‘good girl’ and a ‘powerful woman’ all at the same time. And I’m not sure I even want you to explain it to me- because I know that I am not willing to do it.”  Obviously she was, is and will be, a very powerful woman.

I can hear the laughter as she is reading this.  I will discuss a bit on how some of these expressed thoughts transformed in my next post.

The Eroticist

Chicago

I am just back from a truly glorious twelve days in Chicago.  The trip was basically for two reasons, as many of you know.  The first, for Exxxotica, three long days midst masses of eye candy, quality presenters, and vast quantities of willing participants.  The second to visit, reconnect and share with relatives, old friends and quality people from my life in that delightful city and the suburbs thereof.

All of this is far more than I care to delineate in this single post, so I send you all a teaser.  The events of this trip were enjoyable to the extreme and has potential to be far more, but all of that will come out in following posts.  At this time, let me say that Exxxotica included an overwhelmingly delightful, but quite small cage, which many of the presenters STILL remember, a well used spanking bench, a significantly observed demo, a brown hardwood paddle, and marks upon marks.

The visits to friends included overwhelming generosity, a vast amount of Brazilian music and stories, deep sharing between friends, good food, phenomenally beautiful lightning storms, foot baths, conversations in multiple languages, visiting bugs, and a new friend about which I can speak for days and still not touch the joy and possibilities.

The Cage

One of the quality pieces of “furniture” supplied to Mistress C’s excellent Dungeon at Exxxotica this year was an Iron Cage.  A description is in order before you can truly visualize its significance in the following scene.  It was free standing consisting of square tubular metal bars on five sides, the final side constructed of three barred doors, each about one third the total height.  But to understand the joy of the following event, you must understand that it was only two foot square top to bottom.  This is not particularly constricting for one person, and it was quite fun to put a lovely lady in the cage, handcuff her hands through the top bars, and then tip the cage over a bit.  It usually presented a rather wide eyed expression for the resident.

I believe it was Friday when I had a conversation with a beautiful young lady in, if I remember correctly, a rather tight dark dress.  We discussed many things, the responsibilities of a submissive, those of a Dominant, and the purpose of requesting to cum.  She was in the cage through most of the conversation and I was outside.  It should be noted at this time that I was also demonstrating the use of a Brookstone pressure vibrator.  This is one that turned on when you pressed it firmly into, at this moment, different parts of her body.  I think this was why we were discussing the purpose of requesting to cum.  (I do hope she remembers the point I made.)

Anyway, while this conversation was going on, I noticed another quite attractive young lady who seemed either particularly interested in our conversation, or rather taken by my demonstrated use of the Brookstone device.  Either way, after asking the current resident, I suggested that the observing young lady might like to join in the demonstration.  She did.  I then informed her that of the three doors available for her to enter the cage, there was only the bottom one that was unlocked, so she would have to get down on her knees and arrange to stand, in that increasingly limited space, next to the current resident.  All parties seemed to express happy anticipation and watching her accomplish that delightful task seemed to be very pleasing to the growing audience.

Well, the conversation and demonstration of the Brookstone device continued.

The whole event got kicked up a notch when a quite beautiful young lady in the audience commented quite loudly on how pleasant it all seemed.  Well, what was I to do?  But after checking with the current two residents of the cage, we all agreed that it would be most enjoyable to have her join them as well.  You should know at this point that this was a truly lovely woman, a few inches taller than either of the current residents and built appropriately.  But she was a very able participant, and watching her crawl through the lower door and work her way up to standing in that cage, making a population of three in a barred in area two foot by two foot, was a sight worthy of loud appreciation.

As far as my personal joy, I think the high point was when I was demonstrating the use of the Brookstone device as it might assist in well…..possibly a breast exam, and had the inestimable pleasure of inserting my hand and forearm quite far into the rather limited area between six (yes, count ’em) six quite lovely breasts.

The entire moment was capped by the first sweet lady looking at me rather plaintively and saying that she had to go, and my realization that she was, at that point, opposite the door.  Again, what was I to do, but with a mixture of sorrow and joy, allow her to exit, as she could, between the other two ladies (now, I am sure, quite close friends), and crawl out the bottom door.  I am sure this all would have been much easier if I had had the keys to the other two doors.  But I didn’t.  What was I to do?

Well, this was one of the obvious high points of the first Friday.  There is more to come, but that will be told in further posts.  Shamefully, I have to admit that there is no way you could enjoy this as much as I did.

The Eroticist

I want to be NORMAL

With every fiber of my being, I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be accepted.  I wanted to be OK.  I wanted people to look at me and know me and smile and wave and think, there goes a good guy.  I wanted to live a life that is acceptable by the general society.  I had these thoughts and things I wanted.  But it wasn’t normal, and I knew what normal was, it was what I was told how everyone else lived.  It was what I saw on TV.  It was what I was taught about at school, so for forty years, well over half my life, all those thoughts were put away.  No one else had them.  Only me, and I had to hide that.

I did, very well.

Until I got tired of it and I began to accept who I was.  But I am also tired of being thought a creepy old man because I talk about sex.  I am tired of feeling that I am broken, or sick because of the thoughts in my head that never leave.  I hate it when my family wants me to “Just not talk about those things” or might be embarrassed if their friends found out.  I am hurt when I loose friends when I talk about what is really important to me, and I am saddened beyond expression when I hear the whispers behind my back that I should be avoided.  All the people who keep saying “No”, “Don’t”, “Shhhh”, “No one wants to hear that” are supported by everyone it seems.  It must be true.  I want to be Normal.

But it is not me that I want to change.

I am free to speak on unacceptable subjects to people who who are interested in what I have to say.  I enjoy teaching to people who want to learn what I know.  I am willing to accept people who have different interests as long as they accept me and mine.  I do not engage in activities with people who do not actively tell me they desire and enjoy those activities.  Why am I not Normal?  Why is this not Normal?  Why is sex, any kind of sex, abnormal in this society, something to be hidden, of which to be ashamed, not for “polite” people?

This is an important Ted Talk and you should listen to it.  Let us work so more people can be normal.

The Eroticist

Infidelity and “Forbidden Sex”

This post comes from a discussion currently going on in a LinkedIn group to which I belong, Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality — SSSS.  Yes, even considering my previous post, I do still read it.  It began as a debate over a Psych Today article as to whether or not a recent high profile “breakup” was due to a choice or sexual dysfunction.

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I have many reactions to the posts above. Some arguments seem unreasonably simplistic, others make valid points, still others seem to have too narrow a view.

Eroticism is a very complex issue as discussed by Esther Perel, a delicate balance between the mystery of what might be possible and the safety of what is known. We all, I think, struggle with that balance in our lives and are tempted by the mystery of affairs while wanting to hold to the safety of a committed relationship.

The term “Forbidden Sex” as used by Ms. McMahon reflects the mystery, I think, but also reflects on the established relationship. It is forbidden because the society in general, and the relationship in particular expects one to enter into and commit for life to a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex for the purpose of procreation. As we are seeing currently, some of those presumptions are being more closely examined, I think for the benefit of all.

Would it be “Forbidden Sex” if there was transparent communication between partners? Would it cause the pain of divorce if there were open discussions between partners of their deep sexuality and agreements based on the love of your partner rather than the expectations of society? I tend to think not. But that is a FAR more difficult path than relaxing into social mores. In my mind it requires ACTIVE loving, rather than passive.

I do not believe that humans are wired for monogamous relationships any more than they are wired for Polyamorous ones. And as for whether one or the other is dysfunctional, that is obviously in the eye of the beholder (read therapist). What I believe IS dysfunctional is the dishonesty between committed partners of which I myself have been guilty. What also is dysfunctional is the feeling that one person can love another only if that “loved one” stays within constricted social bounds.

And before anyone says, “You mean if I love you once, I must love you forever, even if you are an abuser or turn out to be Tamerlan Tsarnaev.” Obviously, no, there are many reasons for people understanding they are incompatible. Let us not make this simplistic.

Finally, I would state that the phrase “Polyamouous Relationship” is an incredibly broad umbrella phrase encompassing a wide variety of possibly mutually incompatible relationship structures and should not be considered one particular form.

The most important aspect of all of this is introspection, understanding, acceptance and transparent communication, an incredibly difficult path because it requires delving deeply into what you really want, and freely and openly communicating that to the people you love and who love you, knowing that it may jeopardize that relationship.  So, is it better to live the lie and try to convince others, and yourself that you are not who you are?  It may be easier, but it sure isn’t better.

The Eroticist

For those interested in a bit more research, I quote from that discussion, a post from Kathy A McMahon, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist, Adjunct Faculty, Antioch University, New England, another member.  The links are ones found by me, not supplied by Ms. McMahon.  -tE

“I don’t agree that we are not wired to love only one person. I believe we have a “dual mandate” if you will: one that is curious and pleasure-seeking, and one that is attachment-based. To pretend only one exists is ignoring the existence of the other. 

Robin Baker’s “Sperm Wars” certainly suggests one, no doubt. On the other hand, evidence-based couples work of Gottman and Johnson emphasize the other. And what about “sexual styles” based on the sex research from Donald Mosher?  [The only links I can find directly to Mosher’s work are two downloadable papers, here and here.  –tE]  We are going to see any more extra-relational sex with someone embracing a “Role Enactor” position than we are someone who is more “Partner Engager.” We’re also going to see a different response from the partner, depending upon the style they also embrace. Even Baker’s work suggest that the penis and testicle size might be correlated with reproductive and mating styles.”

Languages, Listening, Learning and Love

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Many years back, before my children were born, I was blessed with a long term acting job as a Kiwi.  No, not the fruit, a New Zealander.  While I was quite familiar with many forms of British and Australian accents, both upper and lower class, a Kiwi was new to me.  Thankfully, a trainer was hired to assist and one of the first things she talked about is how I learned.  She was willing to teach me the accent by recording each of my lines so I could hear it, type out each of my lines in those lovely strange letters you find at the bottom of many hard copy dictionaries, or explain to me the transformations necessary for the words and where they were in a sentence.  She just needed to know how best I learned.

When my children were in first and second grade they had a truly lovely teacher who taught me a bit more about how people learn.  Some learn through listening, some by reading, some by repeating, some by physically handling.  A Great teacher, such as she, knows how to present concepts in a wide variety ways.

Later, much later in my marriage than it should have been, I learned the cause of much frustration between my wife and I.  While I loved reading things to her that I thought important, she was not a listener, she was a reader, and even though I lost a little joy in not being able to perform (an actor here), it allowed for clearer communication if I gave an article to her to read, rather than read it to her myself.  What I also lost, thankfully, was the feeling that she wasn’t really listening because she wasn’t really interested.  After reading, we could talk about what was important to each of us.

Within the last few years I have seen more and more concentration on good communication between partners.  I am surprised, really, because I would think something so important would be worked on in some detail quite a few years back…like…ah….before my parents were born?  But looking back on the history of my family and listening to the history of others, that often does not seem to be the case.  This obviously leads to the supposition that all the talk and learning we are doing now will do little more than the talk and learning of generations before. But one can hope.

Two months back I was listening to a Webinar by Dr. Bob Rubel and his partner Jen.  (The link may give the impression it is a purchasable item, but it is free.)  Their guest that evening talked extensively about creating a meaning wheel of the words important to the partners in a relationship.  It may seem tedious to continually ask, but it is nice to know what is heard by your partner when you use terms like “Love”, “Respect”, “Dominance”, “submission”, “service”, “support”, “care” and “sex”.  (That is not meant to be a complete list in any way.)  (It is also good to look closely at the words used in any discussion that has lead to an argument between you.  Do you mean what your partner hears?)

So why am I talking about this on Valentine’s Day?  Because learning about your partner, learning the best means to communicate with them and learning the best way to teach them about yourself is a very good way to show them your love.  To assist in that I am giving you some gifts in the form of recommendations and reading material.  The first is a book you may know, it is called “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.

The second is a PDF given as a free gift by a person well known by my readers, Reid Mihalko.  It is a Valentine’s Present.

And the third is a Ted Talk by another educator important to me, Esther Perel, on keeping desire in a long term relationship.

Each of us are unique.  How can our relationships not be unique?  The ways we express ourselves and possibly more importantly, how we accept input from the people around us is unique.  If we wish to extend our joy and passion through a long term relationship, it is best, in my not so humble opinion, to spend some time learning the unique techniques necessary to talk and to listen to our most loved partners.

Happy Valentine’s Day.  I sincerely hope you have a most loved partner with whom to share it.

The Eroticist

Terms and Meanings and Transparency

This post began as a reply to a post on FetLife.  The question had to do with terms Sensual or Romantic Dominant or Sadist, but the response certainly can be applied to all terms used within a BDSM context, perhaps within a broader context.

There is no book, no rules, and certainly no “REAL” way of doing things. Those that tell you so may be trying more to convince you that they have some level of authority and deserve more respect. (Watch out for that one, even with me.) Each person tends to use terms that are familiar and comfortable to them. That does not mean there is any more “truth” to those terms than any other. Always ask if you are confused.

Through many discussions I have had about sadism, the definitions tend to group into two differing areas, the sadists who enjoy doing things that their partners do NOT enjoy doing, but will do for their sadist; and the sadists like me who look for a masochistic partner who accepts pain and can convert it into sexual stimulation and passion.

While I definitely identify as a Dominant as well as a sadist, I would also use labels such as “sensual”, because I emphasize sexual stimulation at all levels of my play, and “romantic” because I look for a compatible partner with whom I can have a long term, deeply loving relationship. But I use these words only because they have particular meaning for me, and communicate a general idea to others who listen, not because they have any form of rigorous meaning within a BDSM context.

For instance, I do not believe that my being a sensual Dominant Sadist has anything to do with the absence of pain even rather severe pain. I tend to enjoy a heavy mix of the two. I do not think being a sadist has to do with an absence of romance as well, for I believe the best scenes are infused with connection and personal closeness and bonding.

The most important aspect of all of this is that while I use the terms that are meaningful to me, I encourage questions from my partner so she will eventually understand those meanings.  The TERMS, are vague and general until those meanings are understood.  So even within the deepest Dominant and submissive relationship where there is a wide difference in roles chosen, open honest communication between the partners, where each side speaks and listens in the most transparent way, is profoundly important.  I can not emphasize enough the listening part of that.

Transparent communication should not be considered purely on a factual basis.  Being honest and complete in what you say is important, but equally important is emotional transparency.  Telling your partner that hearing something makes you feel a certain way is very valuable, even if you do not understand the “why” of it.  These emotions should be heard in the same accepting way, even if you do not know the “why” of it.  Perhaps if you listen more, the “why” will come clear.

There are times when I would wish we had a far more complete emotional vocabulary than we do.  Emotions travel through our systems all the time, but we often assume that the areas we can point to, where we can show cause and effect have far more relevance.  “Just the Facts, Ma’am.”  I tend to think that often these feelings and emotions come first, and the words, the stories are created to fit the emotions we feel.  I have seen that in times of great depression.

So accept the questions and make time for them.  Open yourself to hearing the emotions without explanations.  Listen first, perhaps waiting to respond.  What words mean to you is not necessarily what they mean to your partner.  It can take time to build that language you share, but it is time well spent.

The Eroticist

What is it Worth to You?

Dating is a bitch.  Hard enough when you are in your teens and twenties.  It is next to impossible when you are Sixty Five, or a single Mother, or transgendered, or have desires or needs that are way outside the mainstream.  Dating’s a bitch.  I have been without a long term partner for a long time.

There’s the movies (s)he doesn’t like, the coffee (s)he doesn’t drink, “What?  How can you not like Sushi?  Chinese food either? I mean what do you eat?  Bananas?” and the famous, “How can you watch that shit?”.  But then you look at them and your heart stops.  What is it worth to you?

It is so hard to make decisions about this.  Is this person the one?  Do I really know them?  Do they really know me?  The fear is always there.  If they did, could they accept me?  Would they still like me?  Can I share that with them?  Well, is it worth it to you?

It is impossible to have a long term, deeply bonded relationship without being authentic with yourself and with them.  Damn right, most people will decide that this will not work and take their leave or think that you are the creep from hell and run screaming.  But if you hide what is deeply important to you, how can they accept you?  They don’t know you.

There are things about you.  You know what they are.  You have been fighting to hide them most of your life.  You really like feet, or clowns, or furries, or you want them to wear petro-chemical products, or you want to do terribly violent things to them and love you for it, or have a fascination with porn stars, or want them to be the Madonna/Whore .  Then finally you get to a point where you admit that all of it is a part of who you are, and your partner needs to be aware of that.  Then they react.  Well, was it worth it to you?

I think that to move forward, to find what you desire, you have to accept that there is a chance.  Look carefully.  Who is this person?  Are they honest with you?  Are they open with you?  Have they told you clearly what it is they need?  Have you told them clearly what it is YOU need?  Are they still there?  Are they still listening?  Are they still smiling?  Are they still trying to be beautiful for you?  How about you?  What are you doing?  What is it worth?

After an unbelievable fight are they still there?  Are they willing, even if they said there was no going back?  Do they show who they are, and accept who you are?  Can you still be there?  Can you look at the differences and find out where is the worth of it all?  Can you do it?  Is it worth it?

There will be times you have to do some solid thinking.  What has gotten you through the hard times, the dry times, the thoughts you have had about what to do if you never find the one, the directions to go, may not be the best paths if there is a chance.  Is it possible?  Can you accept that?  Look at them.

Here is the romantic within me.  I admit it unashamedly.  We truly have almost no handle on the Truth.  We make choices.  I believe I have a better life if I choose to believe that it is possible.  The fools errand.  But my life is a better one when I choose to believe.  There is a chance that this one can accept who I am.  It is worth it?  Can you let them be who they are?  Can you  demand the honesty, and accept responsibility for hearing it.

I quote here the lyrics from Bob Dylan’s song from his 1997 album Time Out Of Mind.

When the rain Is blowing in your face and the whole world Is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.
I know you haven’t made your mind up yet.  But I would never do you wrong.  I’ve known it from the moment that we met.  No doubt in my mind where you belong.
I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue and I’d go crawling down the avenue.  You know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.
The storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the highway of regret the winds of change are blowing wild and free.  You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.  Nothing that I wouldn’t do, go to the ends of the Earth for you, to make you feel my love

To make you feel my love.

When you hear something like that, believe me, it is worth it.

The Eroticist