Posts from the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

On “Me Too”

I put “Me Too” in quotes only to convey that I have not been a victim of sexual abuse, not to belittle it’s intent in any way.  My thoughts are still jumbled, but strong. This is a subject of overwhelming importance to me, to my family, to families with young children, and absolutely to this country at large.
I have seen comments that bring up many issues for me and I feel it necessary to give voice to them.
ONE) Me Too. I am surprised that there are so many women who ARE NOT saying, “Me Too.” I think, shamefully, that this situation is endemic to this country, and to a greater or lesser extent the world. Horribly, in some places, to a FAR GREATER extent. As I will comment later, we are in a situation where very few people can give advice from a place where this is NOT an issue.
TWO) Me to YOU. I am a 70 year old, Very Tall, sometimes eloquent White Male. To an extent that is continually and increasingly becoming evident to me, that means I have been greatly entitled through my entire life. The trouble with being entitled is that you don’t get a certificate for it, it just IS. I don’t have to work for this, I just GET IT. IT IS THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS. So why should I act against how the world works?
Without question, I have taken advantage of this throughout my life. For that, I now, and will continue to apologize. I am sorry.
THREE) What do I do NOW? I saw a comment from someone very near and dear to me asking what to do if they see a situation that COULD fall into this category. He is also tall, white and sometimes eloquent. I am not sure if I can give any cogent advice that is not self contradictory. 1) If you have the ability, wait, watch and see if you can confirm. 2) Politely interrupt and say to BOTH, “I am sorry to interrupt, but I see a lot of stress here. Is there any way I can help?” Then go back to number 1. 3) Be aware of local options for abused people, police, shelters, and possibly have those numbers on your person. 4) Be highly aware that a stranger’s (your) interruption can be an ADDED stress and that stress happens to couples for many reasons other than spousal or couple abuse. LIFE can be abusive.
FOUR) Does Anyone Know? I commented before on the difficulty of finding someone who knows how to operate from a place of true respect, honesty and equality of value. I believe we are truly in uncharted ground here.
We live in a society where we can not talk about that for which we all have a great need, Sex and Power. Indications of that need are ALL around us. A cursory look at the adds we see hundreds of times a day will tell you that. Why do we have Hooters, Playboy, bikini’s at car shows? Even in “informative” adds, the lady talking to you is not going to be looking like Madeleine Albright (again, I am sorry) unless it is a discussion of world affairs. Look at the adds for reverse mortgages. Do you really think that a man who looks like Tom Selleck who lives in a HUGE High rise apartment in a big city needs a reverse mortgage? But he is wealthy, handsome, powerful, successful, so you take his advice. Look at our president (without the handsome part). All of that is constantly operating in our world, effecting us, yet we do not, cannot TALK about it. When was the last time you brought up your sexual tastes on a first date? (Might look into Reid Mihalko’s Elevator Speach.)
I LOVE to flirt. There are discussions now about how to maintain a sexy atmosphere in a time of absolute consent. “Can I touch you? How? Can I hold your hand? Can I kiss you? Where? Etc.” How about if you like kinky sex? How do you discuss THAT? What if you WANT to overpower, to be overpowered? “I want to feel totally overpowered, to be taken. I want to give up my power to you. Here is a 5 page list of limits and requirements as to how to do that.” Feels really sexy, don’t it.
What I am asking is, How do we do that? My thought is, at this time, almost no one knows. We do not have a societal language for continued erotic tension and engagement that allows for sexual consent.
Perhaps that is the discussion we ought to have.

Exxxotica 2015 Part Trois, Lilly

In my first post on Exxxotica 2015 I mentioned the lovely Lilly, a beautiful young masochistic rigger, a possessor of the most astounding breasts and caring heart, who had just lost her Daddy.  First I should say that she has found him again for which I am very glad.  For a strong “little” it is terribly difficult to be without her “Daddy” and I am pleased she is home and happy again.

Lilly, Tied

Lilly, Tied

I first met Lilly back in 2012, I think.  She was running a booth alone and in my wanderings away from the Dungeon I stopped to talk.

Trade fairs are created for businesses and companies to promote and sell their product.  Customers go to these fairs to see what new products are available, to examine them, sometimes handle them, and see if they are attractive.   But in Exxxotica and other fairs like them, much of the “products” are people.  This can create a very different dynamic.

If you are lucky, when a movie is promoted, you have an opportunity to come up to some famous movie star, talk to them, and  come away with a feeling that you have had some small opportunity to actually get to know someone you have seen on the screen.

But the movies and photos here are specifically intended to attract your sexual interest.  And here the human brain can (sometimes?) get confused.  After all, these people are selling themselves as sexual objects.  That is their business. Unfortunately, the buying public can, at times, mistakenly believe that they have some right to, shall we say, pick the product up of the shelf, see how it feels in their hand, take the product out for a test drive.  The professionals, in turn, have to walk that delicate balance between allowing the customer an opportunity to feel that desire they want, but not allowing the customer to take unwanted liberties, a balance of charm and distance.  This is very difficult when you want to convey availability, have a body you want to advertise, wear very sexy clothing, and have hundreds of people through a three day weekend who want your time, your attention, your sexuality, your body, and want it all with absolutely no investment of care or responsibility except for a little cash on hand.

I can tell you, I do not believe that I could accomplish that as a career.  So, I  try very hard to be charming, polite, complementary, and respectful to the vendors at the events.  It is important to me, in order to be the man I wish to be, to treat these people as people.  You will be surprised what can happen.

So, I talked with Lilly about what brought her there, what kind of things she liked, mentioned the dungeon and what we do there, found out she was a little, and an appreciable masochist.  (For those who do not know, in my experience, a masochist is someone who derives benefit from extreme sensation.  It may turn them on sexually, it may quiet their over active brains, or it may just show what they are willing to endure for their loved one.)  Anyway, each time I wandered the floor, I would stop, see how she was doing as far as sales, admire her truly phenomenal breasts, and ask how her feet were holding up.

I saw her again in 2013 as she had a booth that year as well and over the years, we chatted many times on FetLife.  I missed 2014 as I was in the middle of a move, but told her that I hoped to see her at the 2015 Exxxotica.  She said that was not to happen, that she was no longer with her Daddy, and could not afford to get a booth at the event.  Well, I did not think that appropriate, and so began a convoluted series of phone calls and negotiations with many people and organizations to see how it would be possible for her to attend, even if she could not have a booth of her own.  (Expensive things, that.)

I won’t go into the details of all the possibilities missed and hit upon, suffice it to say that she was able to attend the entire three days and work in the Dungeon as (I was surprised to find out) she was quite an accomplished rigger (one who works with rope).  But the greatest honor for me was that she asked if I could substitute as her Daddy for the weekend.

Hmmm, let me think.  What was I to do?  Take on the overwhelming responsibility of giving her hugs, kissing the top of her head, sitting with her when we had a break, encouraging her, watching out for her, being there if there was a problem that I could fix, paddling her ass, flogging her, occasionally squeezing her breasts, and having her give me loving smiles.  Hmmm, yea, I could do that.  Yes, there were some problems that needed fixing, but all in all she was a loving and lovely girl that I was glad to have around.

We did have a talk on the last day about how I had a committed partner at home, that we lived far from each other, and that I did not want to stand in the way of her finding a Daddy that was right and good for her, and thankfully, she understood, has found her Daddy, a relationship that, I hope, will be a long and mutually rewarding one.  She is a good woman, and deserves much.

The Eroticist

Lilly as her little girl

Lilly as her little girl

A Request

As most of you know, I am a new resident of the Austin area.  (Whew, election day, very different from California.)  I am reaching the end of a year long adventure with the Austin Mentor’s Program which has given me an opportunity to meet a large number of very experienced people, learn a great more deal about BDSM history, fire play, whips, sexual stimulation, Dominance, and rope bondage, as well as safety, responsibility and medical assistance.  It has been a good experience and a valuable way to meet and gain many new friends.

It also has given me inspiration and opportunities to develop demonstrations and lectures of my own, and this is where I would like your help.  I want to gather information about what individuals feel are necessary qualities and knowledge in order to enter into a healthy BDSM or kink relationship.  I would like to hear your thoughts about a long term 24/7 Master/slave relationship, and those casual, just in the bedroom adventures.  I want to hear from those who enjoy on line relationships, people with one partner or many.  My concentration is, what are the qualities or understandings that you feel you, or your partner(s) need to have in order to have a successful BDSM relationship.  I do not care if you feel you are in a long term successful relationship, or have never had a partner.  I want to know your thoughts.

Please feel free to write me by making a comment here or write me privately at TheEroticist@GMail.Com.  I would love to hear from you.

The Eroticist

My Master’s Rights

I often talk with people who identify as a submissive, and often they ask me if their Master has the right to do…well…whatever.  My answer is always, “If you give them that right.”

I fear, sometimes, that we on the Dominant side of the equation have worked very hard to perpetuate a very unbecoming untruth.  We portray the D/s or M/s relationship as something sacred and written in stone and that we are the ones who know those rules.  There is a common phrase passed around the internet, “Chain of Command:  I say it.  You do it.  End of Chain.”  Literature is filled with the relationship structure where the beautiful or handsome young thing is kept in a cage and naked, follows every whim of their Master with love and joy and extreme sexual desire.

But I rarely see the element of respect.  I see far too many “submissives” who are willing to accept that a person is a Master just because he knows the words, may have had many slaves, and has all the appropriate trappings. What is more, they seem to feel that because of those words and slaves and trappings this man has the right to be Their “Master”.  They do not accept the possibility that he may be a misogynistic bastard who just doesn’t want to go through the work of establishing and maintaining a decent relationship with anyone.

Whatever “Rights” your Master may have, are given to them by you. You give them the “Right” to command your actions. No one else. There is no rule book, no committee, no organization that gives him a “Master” badge.  A man, or a woman is your Master because YOU say he or she is, and for no other reason.

Claiming to be a “Master” does not give you any “rights” what-so-ever.  You may want your partner to behave a certain way, but just because you claim to be a “Master” does not mean they have to.  If they are to be your sub or slave it should be because they choose to, and they choose to because they look on you with respect.

We form D/s and M/s relationships because all the people involved see a value for themselves and for the others in the kind of dynamic that they create together within that relationship.  Value.  The value comes in those great intangibles, communication, trust, and a willingness to be honest with yourself and your others about what is necessary for you.

So think, what kind of a person should they be if they are to Master you? This is an  overwhelmingly important question based in your self respect.  You must know what it is you need, even in the small things if they are important to you.  Do you need good bathroom habits?  Do you need a clean house?  Do you need fidelity?  Do you need sexual freedom?  Do you need wise and sagely advice? Do you need honest communication? Do you need a Daddy to, at times, cares for you as if you were a child?  Do you need someone who can administer extreme forms of sensation with a knowledgeable and caring hand?  Do you need respect, even in an atmosphere of cruel humiliation?  Think hard about what it is that you need, and then demand that you get it.

So who is to be your Master?  They are your Master if they are worthy of your respect, if they can wisely feed your hungers with a caring hand, if they can honestly communicate to you the differences between your need and your desires, and advise you as to which are beneficial to you.

They are your Master if you believe they are.  They are your Master if you give them the right.

The Eroticist

Infidelity and “Forbidden Sex”

This post comes from a discussion currently going on in a LinkedIn group to which I belong, Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality — SSSS.  Yes, even considering my previous post, I do still read it.  It began as a debate over a Psych Today article as to whether or not a recent high profile “breakup” was due to a choice or sexual dysfunction.


I have many reactions to the posts above. Some arguments seem unreasonably simplistic, others make valid points, still others seem to have too narrow a view.

Eroticism is a very complex issue as discussed by Esther Perel, a delicate balance between the mystery of what might be possible and the safety of what is known. We all, I think, struggle with that balance in our lives and are tempted by the mystery of affairs while wanting to hold to the safety of a committed relationship.

The term “Forbidden Sex” as used by Ms. McMahon reflects the mystery, I think, but also reflects on the established relationship. It is forbidden because the society in general, and the relationship in particular expects one to enter into and commit for life to a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex for the purpose of procreation. As we are seeing currently, some of those presumptions are being more closely examined, I think for the benefit of all.

Would it be “Forbidden Sex” if there was transparent communication between partners? Would it cause the pain of divorce if there were open discussions between partners of their deep sexuality and agreements based on the love of your partner rather than the expectations of society? I tend to think not. But that is a FAR more difficult path than relaxing into social mores. In my mind it requires ACTIVE loving, rather than passive.

I do not believe that humans are wired for monogamous relationships any more than they are wired for Polyamorous ones. And as for whether one or the other is dysfunctional, that is obviously in the eye of the beholder (read therapist). What I believe IS dysfunctional is the dishonesty between committed partners of which I myself have been guilty. What also is dysfunctional is the feeling that one person can love another only if that “loved one” stays within constricted social bounds.

And before anyone says, “You mean if I love you once, I must love you forever, even if you are an abuser or turn out to be Tamerlan Tsarnaev.” Obviously, no, there are many reasons for people understanding they are incompatible. Let us not make this simplistic.

Finally, I would state that the phrase “Polyamouous Relationship” is an incredibly broad umbrella phrase encompassing a wide variety of possibly mutually incompatible relationship structures and should not be considered one particular form.

The most important aspect of all of this is introspection, understanding, acceptance and transparent communication, an incredibly difficult path because it requires delving deeply into what you really want, and freely and openly communicating that to the people you love and who love you, knowing that it may jeopardize that relationship.  So, is it better to live the lie and try to convince others, and yourself that you are not who you are?  It may be easier, but it sure isn’t better.

The Eroticist

For those interested in a bit more research, I quote from that discussion, a post from Kathy A McMahon, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist, Adjunct Faculty, Antioch University, New England, another member.  The links are ones found by me, not supplied by Ms. McMahon.  -tE

“I don’t agree that we are not wired to love only one person. I believe we have a “dual mandate” if you will: one that is curious and pleasure-seeking, and one that is attachment-based. To pretend only one exists is ignoring the existence of the other. 

Robin Baker’s “Sperm Wars” certainly suggests one, no doubt. On the other hand, evidence-based couples work of Gottman and Johnson emphasize the other. And what about “sexual styles” based on the sex research from Donald Mosher?  [The only links I can find directly to Mosher’s work are two downloadable papers, here and here.  –tE]  We are going to see any more extra-relational sex with someone embracing a “Role Enactor” position than we are someone who is more “Partner Engager.” We’re also going to see a different response from the partner, depending upon the style they also embrace. Even Baker’s work suggest that the penis and testicle size might be correlated with reproductive and mating styles.”

Pain and Pleasure for Someone New

As many posts here have originated, this comes from a question I received on FetLife.  I was asked to comment on pain by a woman seeking to find a deeper connection between eroticism and more severe forms of sensation.  I am not sure what I can say that will be definitive, but I am never one to avoid expressing my opinion.


I am sure you understand that pain is highly subjective and unique to the individual. What is unbearable to one might make another cum and beg for repeats.  But the thing that should concern you most, I think, is your ability to communicate. I will also mention a bit about Topping, bottoming, Dominance and submission. But there is a lot of debate on all these topics and I am expressing my opinion here, not any form of Universal Truth.

You mention in your profile, “I have had the opportunity to submit for the first time not too long ago, and I am more excited than ever… I can’t wait to have the chance to do it again and again.” From your experience and descriptions, I would debate as to whether or not you experienced submission or had your first bottoming experience. While there are elements of each in both, bottoming is usually thought of as allowing a trusted friend to apply strong sensation to you, while not, necessarily adding the accompanying, “Yes, Sir, my body is yours, Sir. Do whatever you wish, Sir.” Submission, on the other hand, might simply be spending time consistently serving the needs of another individual, with no sensation play at all.

Sadomasochistic play, the giving and receiving of extreme sensations for the enjoyment of both, can also be either within a context of bottoming, or Dominance and submission (D/s). D/s is usually an element in SM play, but may be only a light and humorous one.

My personal preference in a partner is one who can easily sexualize pain. That is my joy. But as I have said before, I am not the only kind of sadist out there. There are many sadists whose joy comes in their partner’s suffering, experiencing unenjoyable pain for the pleasure of their Dominants. As I said above, however, the acceptance of pain is very unique. The experience of that pain has little to do with what is done, and is almost exclusively in how it is received by the bottom or sub.

In anyone’s life, pain is experienced both physical and emotional, thought the subject of this post is exclusively physical.  Unfortunately, that pain is often absolutely UNenjoyable. To begin to delve into enjoyable pain, sexualized pain, I believe one has to be in an environment of intent. While I believe and accept that there are forms of enjoyable pain which are not necessarily sexual, erotic pain is where I will concentrate.

Eroticism is a play of tensions, mysteries. As Esther Perel says, it is a delicate balance between the safety of what is known, and the mystery of what is not. “What will happen?” “Will she let me?” “Will he go too far, or far enough?” “Can I take it?” “Will my fantasy outlive the reality?” Using pain as a tool in eroticism tends to ramp up the stakes to all these questions.

This is why I emphasize communication. When I am intentionally causing extreme forms of sensation to someone, particularly someone who does not yet know their responses, I will combine with it as many forms of sexual stimulation as possible, tools, toys, and most importantly, words, thoughts and intent. I would want my partner to concentrate on her sexuality, control her energy, work on the ability to move and purposely place her responses. If I am causing sensation to her nipples, for example, I will talk to her about feeling that warmth, that tingling, move down her belly, and feel how it is concentrating in her vagina. (LOL, though I may use different words.)

The connection between people is important. I will watch a new partner closely and continually check in, ask how they are, if they can feel their arousal increasing, keeping their thoughts aimed towards eroticism, playing between increasing pain and the quick release for that sensation to turn sexual.

There is more to that, asking her to hold on to her climax for a bit to increase the release, demanding she ask permission to cum, adding shock, a slap or pinch, or direct stimulation at the point of release to increase pleasure, but I want to move on to issues involved with more serious applications of pain, and again the necessity of communication.

One hears a lot about what is called “Sub Space”. I believe that it is not something exclusive to the sub or bottom and that there is a comparable place into which Dom’s can enter, but that is for another time. Sub space often CAN, but not necessarily does involve a floating, other worldly state where verbal communication can be difficult to impossible, and demanding verbal feedback from your bottom at that time can seriously detract from their enjoyment of the experience. So from the bottom’s point of view, if you are serious about wishing to explore heavier forms of sensation, find an experienced Top, one who is aware of body signs and has the experience to read you a bit. I say a bit, because each person is unique and how your body reacts will be unique to you.

Talk to him/her about what you want to and what you expect to experience, talk about their knowledge of the tools they are going to use, and possibly talk to people with whom they have played. Make sure they know that this is new for you and that you do not know how you will react.

But understand most that being new for you, expectations as to how you should react or what will happen is the greatest cause of disappointment. Do not be concerned with your “performance.” Do not be afraid of using safewords, they communicate. Give yourself time to experience, and by that I mean, set aside a few days afterwards with little demands, time to observe yourself and check in with your Top. You will be in (hopefully) a joyous state of recovery for a while.

But also, if, in the days following, you find yourself feeling it was not that enjoyable an experience, do not blame yourself or your Top. It just was what it was. Another Top, another experience might be all you would wish it to be.

There is much that I did not touch upon, and I would encourage questions. This is an important and highly enjoyable experience that can be a strong element of a deeply bonded relationship. I encourage you to experience it.

Arach (The Eroticist)

I Take Offense

I am a member of a LinkedIn group titled “Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality — SSSS.”  Within that group there is currently a discussion on a recently linked and extensively footnoted article, “Sexual Abuse: A Major Cause Of Homosexuality?

It is difficult for me to begin to express my feelings on this “report”, but first let me acknowledge what I do know.  Many homosexual men are victims of sexual abuse.  Many more lesbian women are victims of sexual abuse.  Most cases of any form of sexual abuse are not reported.  Sexual abuse can have profound effects on a person’s future sexual behavior and identity.

But let me include some pertinent quotes from the linked “report” debated in this Scientific group.

“It is a well-documented fact that many many homosexuals were sexually abused when young….In other words, there is an abundance of evidence that many many homosexuals were born heterosexual but were disoriented by sexual abuse.” 

Oh?  Interesting connection.  Because someone is homosexual and had suffered abuse, then ipso facto, that means that they were born heterosexual.  Does that mean that the hundreds of thousands of people who are heterosexual and have suffered abuse were born homosexual?

“Whatever the true percentages are of male and female sex abuse victims, considering how high the suggested/reported numbers are compared to the percentage of the population that is homosexual (only 1%-2%), we can see that sexual abuse can theoretically account for every case of homosexuality.” 

My eyes widen.  So, because there are many more cases of childhood sexual abuse than there are homosexuals, every case of homosexuality is accounted for by abuse.  A fine bit of Aristotelian logic, that is.

“Too, there currently is no definitive proof that anyone is born homosexual. Several studies by homosexual researchers claimed to find some possible biological bases for homosexuality. But other scientists easily pointed out the flaws in those studies, and the results of those studies have yet to be replicated by others. In the words of pro-homosexual Newsweek magazine: ‘In the early ’90s, three highly publicized studies seemed to suggest that homosexuality’s roots were genetic….More than five years later the data have never been replicated.’  (This fact has been almost totally ignored by the biased, untrustworthy, dominant liberal media.)” 

Ah, that argument.  I was waiting for that one.  “Your study seems to show proof that homosexuality is born into you, therefore you are a homosexual pushing your agenda, and anyone supporting your argument is pro-homosexual, biased and untrustworthy.”

“Those who push the born-homosexual line are effectively ignoring the sexual abuse of children. What kind of “people” want to let pedophiles get away with sexually abusing little kids?” 

Good, that is a powerful argument.  If you believe that homosexuality is biologically determined, you are promoting pedophilia.  Certainly wouldn’t want to do that.

“Skilled psychologists and psychiatrists like Masters and Johnson, Charles Socarides, Joseph Nicolosi, Benjamin Kaufman, Elizabeth Moberly, Jeffrey Satinover, and Gerard van den Aardweg, have had success changing homosexuals into heterosexuals. (They have been successful because most if not all homosexuals were probably born heterosexual.)” 

What phenomenally healing therapists these are, bringing the errant back to the fold.  Further proof that Homos were born pure.

“Those who oppose using therapy to change homosexuals into heterosexuals are, in effect, trying to keep homosexuals locked into homosexuality. Those who oppose such therapy do not want homosexuals to have a choice, a way out of homosexuality. That’s un-American, inhumane, intolerant, and meanly oppressive.” 

And so the truth is given, and must be believed.

What is truly frightening to me is that this kind of biased personal agenda is given any form of credence in a group that purports to be based in Science.   While I disagree wholeheartedly with its underlining assumptions, I certainly accept anyone’s right to debate the issue and express their opinion, but to state that this has any basis in Scientific legitimacy is ludicrous to the extreme.  One might as well say that it is the word of GOD and unbelievers should be stoned.

Oh, wait, people do say that.

The Eroticist

A “Serious” Subject

I have been thinking recently about the seriousness of the activities we do.  Being a Sadist, I engage in activities which should definitely be taken seriously.  I purposely cause severe levels of sensation to people who are often bound in such a way as to be effectively helpless, and often do not have complete knowledge as to what is going to happen to them or how they are going to react to it.  (Comments welcome on that one.)  In other words, I do have their well being, even their life in my hands.  This is serious stuff.

Within a relationship, I am asked to make decisions or advise people in areas which can have a profound effect on how they live their lives.  This involves serious levels of responsibility.

But as I sit here, sticking out my tongue to gather in the last bits of breakfast muffin cinnamon crumbles off of my plate, I think of all the people I have met who take their position as a Dominant and respected member of the BDSM community so Damn SERIOUSLY.  We wear our uniforms, each article of which can be looked upon as awards from awe struck submissives, boots (with there mandatory yellow stitching around the sole), leather pants, belt, vest, and the most serious of all, the cover, the hat, the brim of which is never to be touched by human hand.

We are to be addressed with a plethora of honorifics, from the simple, “Sir, yes, Sir” all the way up to “As is your wish, my Lord and Master” and beyond.  There are rules of behavior, dress and speech which can make your head spin, and seem to far surpass those required by the less serious “Vanillas”.  (This gives rise to the newbee’s oft requested rule book, of which there is none.)

And yet, in my humble opinion, while this is all well and good (and I do mean that.  This is all behavior chosen and accepted by those who wish to engage in it, much like any club requirements) what is forgotten is that there is truly little serious difference between all this and dressing up for a Halloween party, or knocking three times and saying “Pumbernickle” to get into the tree house.

What is often forgotten is that while it is necessary to take the responsibility of what we do seriously, it is to our detriment to take ourselves so seriously.  We are people, after all.  Each with unique gifts and abilities which we are blessed to be able to share with others.  The manor and style with which we do so is decided by those gifts and abilities and the enviable facility to find joy in what we do.

That is the point, after all.  To share with one another and to find joy in how we do it.  Be that in taking on most “Serious” roles and discovering interesting interactions between mine and yours, or just sitting quietly with a loved one and commenting on the world around you.  “Oh SIR, did you see what they were wearing?”

The Eroticist


Most people here know I tend to emphasize communication as a beneficial art form.  While I do tend to feel that it is valuable in ALL relationships, I think that it is a requirement in a D/s or M/s relationship.

It is important that there is an understanding of significant words.  What is it that a person means by the words that they use?  What is service?  What is Dominance?  What is submission?  What is loyalty, honor, control?  Each of these things have strong meanings to us, but MY meanings may not translate into the same behavior as YOUR meanings.  Discussions of words of significance can be of great value in preventing future misunderstandings.

Words are not the only area worthy of discussion.  I often tell the story of my parents, one who was brought up knowing that stockings hung at Christmas was for the small presents, and the tree was for large presents.  The other was raised knowing that presents under the tree were from people we knew as expressions of affection, but the presents in the stocking were from Santa for the GOOD little boys and girls.  Well, everything went well until the first Christmas when there WERE no small presents.  Discussions of protocols and ceremonies can be as important as discussions of words.

Communication is a bi-directional path.  In an excellent book by Lily Lloyd, “Discipline:  Adding Rules and Discipline to your BDSM Relationship” she speaks about the necessity for a submissive to follow the First Rule, to be “truthful, forthcoming and obedient.”  While it seems simple and necessary to be truthful, to answer questions honestly and be open with ones feelings, expectations and emotions, I have seen a large number of submissive types hesitate about being forthcoming.

It is not enough to be willing to answer questions asked in an honest and open way.  It is ALSO necessary to offer information that may NOT be asked.  It is quite possible that I do not have enough information to ask the right questions.  While I will try to be sensitive enough to ask if I noticed an unexpected reaction to anything going on, I may not notice, and it is the s-types obligation to keep me informed so that I can make the right decisions.  But the important part of all of that is that a submissive must feel free to independently offer information, and for that to happen the D-type has to structure the relationship so as to allow it.  Yes, there are times when I will say, “Not NOW.”  But the obligation then is on me to say when, or to make a point later to say, “Now, what is it you wanted to tell me?”  While it may be very polite and beneficial for my lovely submissive to say, “Sir, when would be a pleasing time for me to inform you of something important?” as a way of reminding me.  If it comes to that, I am not doing my job.

So, be truthful and be forthcoming.  Give information, even if not specifically asked.  I strongly believe that it is beneficial for the relationship as a whole for the D-type to know what pleases the s-type.  Yes, I like a happy sub.  Yes, I like a woman to be making a great range of lovely verbal coital responses.  It gets me off.  And in order to experience that kind of thing, it is necessary to know what kinds of things work on her.   It is here obligation to tell me.  It is my obligation to make sure that the decisions remain mine.

If, as I believe most D/s relationship are, it is a chosen structure for one person to make the decisions, the only way for that to happen is to have all the information possible.  (“Just the facts, Ma’am” for those as ancient as I.)  There is no reason for an s-type to believe that withholding their opinions, feelings, difficulties, desires, passions, wants, and perceived needs is beneficial to the relationship in any way.  What they should believe is that providing information is not making a decision.  I is providing a service for their Dominant so they can make an informed decision.

There is much talk about the dreaded  “Topping from the bottom” (discussions here, here and from my friend Clarise Thorne [whose name I can never hear except in the voice of Hannibal Lecter] here).  TftB is usually thought of as the s-type structuring a scene or aspects of the relationship by manipulating their D-type.  The reason, in my mind, that it is something to be avoided is not that I am being told what my s-type wants or desires or gets them squirting hot, it is that there is some attempt to manipulate me, to take the decision to themselves.  While it is an important subject, and worthy of another bolg.  The issue is not the forthcoming of information, it is the manipulation.

The Eroticist

How can we help?

I am often asked to talk about the differences between the Kink community and what we euphemistically call the Vanilla world.  Obviously there are the behavioral differences, the clubs we attend where we engage in semi-public BDSM play, the dress, the ubiquitous black leather, the use of toys, the play with pain among many others.  There is the relationship structures and power or authority exchanges which are central to the Dominant and submissive or Master/slave relationships (and many other, I do not mean to be exclusive).  These are all choices to partake in certain behaviors in which we engage for our own enjoyment which are beneficial to us, but may not be activities or behaviors chosen by and for the broader community.

However, there are many behaviors which a large proportion of us engage that I think deserve a close examination by the “Vanilla’s” because of their positive effects on any relationship.

1. We examine what we do.

I have never been in any community, other than an academic one, where education is so highly valued and widely available.  In a large city there is usually a choice of lectures or demonstrations to attend every week on a variety of subjects.  There are a huge number of books available, and more coming out every day. (see my Sites and Books of Interest page for many.)

While there is probably a far greater number of volumes and possibly an equal number of lectures on how to have a successful committed relationship, what I do not see is that the broader society in general particularly cares about learning how to carry on a successful committed relationship.  It is just a given.  You grow up, find a mate, get married and have kids.  How many of us have grown up through our education process and found even one class on how to relate successfully to other people?

We seek education in how to please.

If you want to know how to sexually please your partner, and yes, even the most conservative community (well, possibly excepting some) would admit that sexually pleasing your committed partner (ahem, within a politically and religiously sanctioned relationship structure) is something that might benefit the longevity of that relationship, you might wish to look into the wide variety of classes available in the kink community.  We actually study the biological structure of the human body and look into what can be done safely to enhance physical pleasure.

We seek education in how to communicate and negotiate.

All sorts of relationships, domestic and commercial, require some sort of negotiation, from the preparation of contracts to how to best raise your kids.  While there are many volumes available and I would hope classes available in any sort of business track (not my educational path), we are one of the few communities of which I am aware where open communication of each persons desires and structured and clear communication and negotiation of those desires is close to being required before any play or relationship can be contemplated.

How many of the couples you know, including your own parents, have had a discussion about the kind of sex they like, health concerns, and detailed talks about the kind of relationship they envision before they got married?  How many make part of their relationship a repeated time each week, or each day, to talk about differences that have come up and concerns raised?  I suspect few.

We seek education on how to resolve conflicts.

Obviously, any relationship structure that is outside of the norm can create conflicts and the need for resolution strategies peculiar to the relationship.  It is difficult for a Master and slave to go to marriage counseling where they are told, “Well, all that is fine, but in here, that role playing should be dropped.”  If it is the basis of the relationship, as it was most eloquently expressed by Master Obsidian and slave Namaste, that just don’t work.  So new ways of resolution had to be created.

How many couples do you know, married or not, who have sought out understanding of the uniqueness of their particular relationship and struggled with ways to resolve the distinctive problems that come up between them?  Are they concerned with what are the best ways to communicate so the other can hear you, and you know they can hear you, are the meanings of the words you use clear to the other, or do they put different meanings on the same words, how do you find out what the actual problem might be, rather than just the trigger that is currently being presented?  Each of these things are valuable for any form of relationship.

We seek opportunities to confirm our relationships.

Actually, I tend to feel that this is the most important.  We hear about couples getting married a second time, not after a separation, but as a re-confirmation of their vows and promises to each other.  Often it happens after many years of marriage after understandings and changes have grown and it is good to make that public commitment reflecting those changes and growth.

Last night I was pleased to participate in Dr. Bob Rubel and his partner Jen’s webinar.  It is a lovely dinner engagement where the conversation is on a wide variety of Kink and BDSM subjects, sometimes alone, sometimes with a video guest.  Last night the primary discussion was on “Do you use any kind of re-commitment ceremony? If yes, what do you do and why do you do it?”

The ceremonies discussed were short, usually very simple, but repeated, once a day or at each time the partners came together again after a parting.  What kind of effect would there be on your relationship if every time you woke you each took the moment to stare into each other’s eyes and whisper, “I am your husband and partner, and I love you from my heart.  That will carry us through.”, “I am your wife and partner, and I love you from my heart.  That will carry us through.”  Each and every day, even through the roughest times, even if you can not see yourself feeling it, but you say it, you keep to that moment to reconfirm.  That will carry you through…or at least do a lot to help.

I know a couple who has a place in their home where, in times of discord, they reconfirm their relationship by going to that place and sitting, he in the chair, and her on the floor with her head on his lap as he pets her hair.  True, perhaps at times the intentions are not easily felt, but the actions help to confirm, to remind them of what was the original promise.

While I am currently partnerless, I look to an eventual M/s relationship where each time we come together after a parting, even if the parting was only for a few hours, even in a public place with vanilla company, we take that moment to embrace, and whisper words of reconfirmation, “I am here, my Master, to serve and please you, with body, mind and heart.”, “I am here, my slave, to serve and protect you, with body, mind and heart.”

I do not believe that relationships can be of the “Set it and Forget it” type, and I have deep regrets that I did not learn all of this before I discovered the communities in which I now reside.

The Eroticist