The Triumvirate, the Third Leg

What is it that brings this full circle?  What gives this glorious BDSM relationship the stability and support that allows it to exist?  It is Obedience.  In the beginning it is obedience to Transparency.  It is said that when a submissive holds something  back, she is taking control of the relationship.  She is deciding what her Dominant should know and what he should not.  She is filtering what she exposes of herself, she is deciding not to show her real self, the whole of herself, she is only giving him the “Mask” of which she approves.  Obedience to Transparency is necessary.

This relationship is based in one person giving to another authority over themselves.  “I give you authority to make decisions for me.”  They do this out of Trust that the person who has authority will make those decisions out of a sense of care, compassion, understanding and some level of wisdom in order to promote the growth of the relationship.  If that is the case, and a decision has been made with all available information, how can that relationship grow without the obedience to follow through?

Within Trust, and Obedience to Transparency decisions can be made for the growth of the relationship and the people within it.

When a Dominant has all the information to make a decision he must be able to Trust that his decision will be Obeyed.  Without that Obedience, the entire structure of the relationship falls apart.  Trust is shaken.  Transparency is shrouded.  The circle is broken.

For a submissive or slave, they must trust their partner to take all the information given, that their Dominant will take that information in confidence and use it with an understanding of who they are as a human being of value, and no matter the submissive’s level of understanding of those decisions, they will obey those decisions to the best of their ability.

For a Dominant, they must trust that their partner has been transparently open to them, trust themselves enough to understand and be transparent about the motives behind their decisions, and trust that their partner will obey their requests.  The Dominant must also seek and obey his own spiritual guidance as to the direction he takes those who have given him authority.

Transparency, Trust and Obedience, the triumvirate that, in my belief, can support any relationship, BDSM or otherwise.  The direction of authority and the structure of the relationship is open to negotiation, but in my opinion, the triumvirate still stands.

The Eroticist

The Triumvirate, the Second Leg

Last time I spoke on Transparency (as I have often and before), and the necessity for those on the right side of the D/s or M/s slash (the s) to be clear and complete in their communication to their partner on the left (the D and M) no matter how contradictory or embarrassing that communication might be.  I also mentioned that the requirements are not quite the same for those on the left side.

I do not mean to say that the Dominant partner in a relationship is not required to be Transparent.  I might even say that the requirements are more severe, for a Dominant must be Transparent to himself.  (Do I need to repeat that I tend to speak of a Dominant Male Sadist and a female masochistic submissive because that describes my relationship?  What I speak about, hopefully, is equally applicable to male, female, Dominant, Master, slave, submissive, masochist and sadist, no matter what combination or pattern your relationship might take.)  This transparency requires a strong emphasis on self-reflection, insight and acceptance.  While it may be quite difficult for a submissive to admit to their Dominant their most embarrassing thoughts and desires, it may be quite a different degree to admit and accept them as part of yourself.  For a moment, try to think of your most embarrassing, possibly disgusting desire as an integral element of who you are as a human being, a necessary part of the wise, compassionate, intelligent creature you believe yourself to be.  For that is what it is.

I want to emphasize that this difference in requirements is not a power play.  It is not the Dominant saying, “You have to do it, but I don’t.”  As my good friend Skip Chasey said, a Master has to keep one step ahead of his property.  A Dominant has to be in a position to see just a step further, and to help his slave or submissive see that further distance can require the Dominant do things without telling his property why, for to tell them why may work against them.

To be transparent to yourself or to your partner requires a deep level of Trust.  Trust that your relationship is bigger and broader and far more firmly based than whatever it is that is going on inside right now, trust that whatever filth you dredge up will be accepted by your partner with love and compassion, trust that whatever pain you expose will be accepted, trust that whatever is asked of you is asked with wisdom, compassion, and respect.

If you find someone you can trust, trust deeply, whose wisdom you respect, respect to the point where you choose to give them authority over you, the only way they can truly take that authority and make the right decisions is by having all the information you can give them.  That is all your wishes, all your desires, all your fears, your pain, your uncertainty, your misgivings.  How else can they know what to do, what is best for you?  How else can they take the responsibility you wish to give them?

When you get to the point where you trust yourself, trust the benefit of your dark parts, when you find someone whose heart is strong and open to you, someone who you trust to share the whole of you, someone who accepts that whole, when you trust yourself to take responsibility for that person, for that relationship, that is the point when you can begin to ask for the third leg of the Triumvirate, obedience.

The Eroticist

The Triumvirate, the First Leg

I was once told that a three legged stool was the most sable, because it could never wobble.  I am not sure if the analogy will hold through this.  But it is a good place to start.

I often have deeply insightful discussions with my partner pb.  Our relationship is slowly but, and most importantly, consistently growing.  A subject that has been discussed repeatedly in the recent past has been Transparency.

A simple definition of transparency within the BDSM context is the ability to communicate everything, rational and emotional, without editing.  We are not trained to do that.  We are trained to hide, even from ourselves.  (Psychologists make quite a good living from that tendency.)  Transparency is the ability to tell your partner what is happening inside.  How do you feel, even if it may hurt to say it?  What do you want, even if you know you can’t or shouldn’t get it?  It is the ability to communicate what is inside even if it is silly, embarrassing, stupid, contradictory, self centered, jealous, and insulting.  Most importantly, even if you don’t like it.

Gandhi once said he had an allegiance to truth, not to consistency.  Humans are inherently self contradictory.  Our feelings are true, but they may be totally contradictory to what we state.  Our beliefs are true even if our feelings brings us to contradictory actions.  No matter, to be transparent we must be able to express them.

Now here is the overwhelmingly sticky element in all of this from within an authority exchange relationship.  Transparency is required from the slave or submissive to the Dominant, but not from the Dominant to the slave or submissive.  That’s a real kicker, one of those, “How come it’s OK for YOU” elements.  But there are some caveats there.  The Dominant MUST be internally transparent to the best of his or her ability.  That is he must understand himself and his reasons for his behavior.  But he or she is not required to be verbally transparent about his or her actions to those who have given them authority.

This is not a power play.  If a Dominant is attempting to bring forth an insight within his submissive, telling her how and why would, at that point, only give her tools with which to armor herself.

Those on the right side of slash in the D/s or M/s relationship MUST be transparent to the best of their ability in all communication to their partner on the left side of the slash.  Those in authority must do whatever they can to encourage and train their partners to be so.  How else can the Dominant or Master make the best decisions?

But those on the left, to do their best work, to bring out the best in their partners, are not required to expose the reasons behind their behavior to those on the right.  To do their job, to intelligently take on the responsibility of the relationship, to assist in the growth of that relationship and those within it, a Dominant or Master must often do sly and sneaky things.  If he is able, he must, at times, trick his partner into insights.  He must eloquently finagle.

However, to ACCEPT that finagling, to be able to willingly give that authority, to say, “I may not understand, but I accept” requires Trust, and that is the second leg.

The Eroticist

When a house is a home

I am not quite there, but I expect to be soon.

Those who read here know that I have been in the process of buying a house.  It is in a northern suburb of Austin Texas.  I do not truly feel I am a Texan, but I am realizing the innocent misunderstandings of youth about what it is to be a Texan.  I am in the process of getting to know my neighbors, making places within this house to hold stuff and placing my stuff in them.  I am buying shelves for the garage, investigating the attic, replacing lights and fans, painting walls, buying rugs, and wondering what in HELL I am going to do with my back yard.  I don’t even have a lawn mower and I have trees to trim.

But I am meeting kind and generous people. discussing the ins and outs of a new neighborhood, getting help from neighbors and giving help to them.  In other words, I am finding my community.  It is a good thing.

But it takes time, important time, but time, and I am only now getting back to previous tasks which are also important to me.  But so I do and tomorrow will be my next post.

See you then.

The Eroticist

A very short post:

I am now in Escrow to buy a house.  It is not the first house I have bought, but it is my first house.  As my wife said a month back, when she bought her house, “This is the first house that will be all mine.  I expect to die here.  It will be exactly the way I want it to be.”

It will be an adventure.  The geometrics of it all, the reality tunnel, will be unique and incomprehensible to me.  But in a very real sense, that is the way of life.

Look upon a lake at night.  Watch the reflection of the moon.  No one in existence has ever seen or will ever see what you see.  The entire universe is conspiring to bring that to you, to give that beauty to you.  Respect it, and say thanks.

The Eroticist

Exxxotica, Dallas

I know, I know, I have promised far more posts about my trip to Chicago, and I do hope to continue.  However, there was much physical and emotional preparation to be done as I now had an opportunity to attend the Exxxotica in Dallas, a new and exciting event for me, with some interesting new dynamics.

The most exciting part about it was that I was able, for the first time, to take my puppy bear with me.  She is an excellent spokeswoman and was an incredible assistance with her organization and ability to describe a bit of what it is like to be at the other end of the whip.  She was also able to talk knowledgeably about being the supporter (usually called the submissive/slave) in a Leader/supporter (D/s, M/s) relationship.  The Exxxotica Dungeon is often filled with more “Dominant” or “Top” types and it is harder to get that kind of personal information.  I could not have dealt with the vast numbers of people who came to the Dungeon without her help.

The other exciting participant was my lovely friend “Frau Blundt” who readers know from many Chicago Exxxoticas.  She was there in great glory passing on her tutelage for any of her “loving little boys and girls”.  Though I think it might be best for her to speak for herself, with her permission, I may be allowed to speak a bit on her engagements with not one, but two different Batmen.

But what I wish to speak about most is the somewhat unusual situation we found ourselves in due to some concerns with the Dallas populous.  I certainly understand the concerns of Dallas Women’s Foundation President Roslyn Dawson Thompson and Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings.  I am glad to see any organization stand up for people wishing to leave any form of sex trade and anyone who has read my blog should be well aware of my strong position against abuse of women.   I am aware of many strong positions on sexual abstinence and encourage anyone of strong religious belief to refrain from engaging in practices which go against those beliefs.  I am sure it was considered necessary to sign the documents we did restricting our dress, requiring us to refrain from touching any exposed flesh, and even possibly the paragraph stating that we had to immediately cease any of our educational activities in the Exxxotica Dungeon if there was any verbal indication that any visitor was “enjoying” it or “moaning” in any way.

However, though I would like to believe that the protesters in front of the entrance were motivated by their spiritual love and care for their fellow humans, I am not sure that was sufficiently conveyed by their shouts of “Whore”, “Child Raper”, “Cock Sucker”, to anyone passing by and their signs saying, “You deserve to be Raped” and “God Laughs at your Rape”.  I  am reminded of the kind of treatment that many homosexuals have and still receive from people professing a wish for the benefit of others.

I remember when a girlfriend of my youngest child mentioned in passing her attendance at a club I knew was aimed at the more kink friendly people.  Knowing she was a seminary student, I asked her why she went there.  She told me that the people who go to clubs like that always seemed to respect her more, and never argued when she said, “No”.  But when she went to “vanilla” clubs, she had to deal with unwanted touching, rude comments, particularly when alone, and people who would not take “No” for an answer.

While I do understand that Rape happens, that women are abused, and that many people do need assistance leaving a lifestyle that is unpleasant for them, sex and erotic joy is not the cause of those things.  Sex is used by people who have issues with hate, personal inadequacies and their own feelings within themselves.  Perhaps they should become more comfortable with themselves and the wide range of caring human sexuality before they cast their hate upon others.

The Eroticist

Exxxotica 2015 Part Trois, Lilly

In my first post on Exxxotica 2015 I mentioned the lovely Lilly, a beautiful young masochistic rigger, a possessor of the most astounding breasts and caring heart, who had just lost her Daddy.  First I should say that she has found him again for which I am very glad.  For a strong “little” it is terribly difficult to be without her “Daddy” and I am pleased she is home and happy again.

Lilly, Tied

Lilly, Tied

I first met Lilly back in 2012, I think.  She was running a booth alone and in my wanderings away from the Dungeon I stopped to talk.

Trade fairs are created for businesses and companies to promote and sell their product.  Customers go to these fairs to see what new products are available, to examine them, sometimes handle them, and see if they are attractive.   But in Exxxotica and other fairs like them, much of the “products” are people.  This can create a very different dynamic.

If you are lucky, when a movie is promoted, you have an opportunity to come up to some famous movie star, talk to them, and  come away with a feeling that you have had some small opportunity to actually get to know someone you have seen on the screen.

But the movies and photos here are specifically intended to attract your sexual interest.  And here the human brain can (sometimes?) get confused.  After all, these people are selling themselves as sexual objects.  That is their business. Unfortunately, the buying public can, at times, mistakenly believe that they have some right to, shall we say, pick the product up of the shelf, see how it feels in their hand, take the product out for a test drive.  The professionals, in turn, have to walk that delicate balance between allowing the customer an opportunity to feel that desire they want, but not allowing the customer to take unwanted liberties, a balance of charm and distance.  This is very difficult when you want to convey availability, have a body you want to advertise, wear very sexy clothing, and have hundreds of people through a three day weekend who want your time, your attention, your sexuality, your body, and want it all with absolutely no investment of care or responsibility except for a little cash on hand.

I can tell you, I do not believe that I could accomplish that as a career.  So, I  try very hard to be charming, polite, complementary, and respectful to the vendors at the events.  It is important to me, in order to be the man I wish to be, to treat these people as people.  You will be surprised what can happen.

So, I talked with Lilly about what brought her there, what kind of things she liked, mentioned the dungeon and what we do there, found out she was a little, and an appreciable masochist.  (For those who do not know, in my experience, a masochist is someone who derives benefit from extreme sensation.  It may turn them on sexually, it may quiet their over active brains, or it may just show what they are willing to endure for their loved one.)  Anyway, each time I wandered the floor, I would stop, see how she was doing as far as sales, admire her truly phenomenal breasts, and ask how her feet were holding up.

I saw her again in 2013 as she had a booth that year as well and over the years, we chatted many times on FetLife.  I missed 2014 as I was in the middle of a move, but told her that I hoped to see her at the 2015 Exxxotica.  She said that was not to happen, that she was no longer with her Daddy, and could not afford to get a booth at the event.  Well, I did not think that appropriate, and so began a convoluted series of phone calls and negotiations with many people and organizations to see how it would be possible for her to attend, even if she could not have a booth of her own.  (Expensive things, that.)

I won’t go into the details of all the possibilities missed and hit upon, suffice it to say that she was able to attend the entire three days and work in the Dungeon as (I was surprised to find out) she was quite an accomplished rigger (one who works with rope).  But the greatest honor for me was that she asked if I could substitute as her Daddy for the weekend.

Hmmm, let me think.  What was I to do?  Take on the overwhelming responsibility of giving her hugs, kissing the top of her head, sitting with her when we had a break, encouraging her, watching out for her, being there if there was a problem that I could fix, paddling her ass, flogging her, occasionally squeezing her breasts, and having her give me loving smiles.  Hmmm, yea, I could do that.  Yes, there were some problems that needed fixing, but all in all she was a loving and lovely girl that I was glad to have around.

We did have a talk on the last day about how I had a committed partner at home, that we lived far from each other, and that I did not want to stand in the way of her finding a Daddy that was right and good for her, and thankfully, she understood, has found her Daddy, a relationship that, I hope, will be a long and mutually rewarding one.  She is a good woman, and deserves much.

The Eroticist

Lilly as her little girl

Lilly as her little girl