Appropriate Questions

It has been a long time since I wrote.  My mind has been on establishing relationships, becoming comfortable in new communities, establishing a new presence and occupation in my new home, and discovering new places for me in the world.

Today I think about questions and the responses they engender in my own mind.  What questions are important in a relationship, particularly at the beginning, particularly in this strange lifestyle we call BDSM.  So before I move on, I want to ask you, my readers, what questions you would ask or want answered within yourself and by your prospective partner when beginning a relationship.  Seriously, I want to know what is necessary for you, what is important.  Send them as comments or write me directly.  I want to know.

I recently saw a post from a young submissive who said she needed help.  The question she gave me was, “How can i better serve?”

My answer follows:

OK, that is a very open ended question and has a large number of possible answers.

Look at what you are good at. What was the original attraction between you?  Was it your beauty, your sensuality, your willingness to throw yourself into his direction, your enjoyment of extreme sensation, your knowledge and expertise?  What was it that attracted you to him?  What do you want to encourage in him?

Is your relationship based in a sexual relationship, service relationship, play or SM? Is it a 24/7 live in relationship, a long distance, primarily text or phone relationship?

Have you asked your Dominant/Master what it is that he wants most?

I suppose what I am saying is that the first step to any form of service is communication. You should work towards clear, transparent channels between you.

This may mean the first efforts should be within yourself. What is it that you want? I do not mean that in a demanding, get what you want kind of mode, but that you have to know what you want so you can tell your Dom/Master clearly. Inform him. Only that will allow him to make the right decisions. Obviously, he has to do the same. He has to know what he wants, so as to clearly inform you in how to please him. So communication comes first.

The next thing, in my mind, is to spend a lot of time examining your assumptions. The most valuable question to ask is, “What do you mean by that?” I have said many times that there is no rule book here. You both have to discover what the other means. An amazing amount of stress cam come from assuming you know what a word means to the other. What does “Service” mean to you? What does it mean to him? ASK! Be clear!

Do you want to serve him in any way possible, even if it is incredibly uncomfortable to you, painful, just because you are tremendously affirmed just by serving him? That works for some people, but do not assume it is what he wants, nor what service means. If it is not something that truly affirms you , but it is something that he wants, that dynamic will work against your long term relationship.

Conversely, if you assume that is what he wants, and so do things that are truly difficult for you when what he wants is to excite and astound you, then when he finds out you are suffering, he will be hurt and disappointed. He may not wish to be hurting his toy.  Do not assume. Find out.

Puppy bear, my partner, would not argue one bit with the thought that I am a strong sadist. But many sadists would argue with that term because I love a classical masochist, a pain puppy who wants me to hurt them until the only thing they want to do is fuck me. I have been told, “You’re not a sadist, you’re a very nice guy.” But that is because sadism to him was making his partner suffer, for him.

Every term we use in the lifestyle is open to personal interpretation. So ask, “What do you mean by that.” It is a very valuable discussion.

There is nothing wrong with questioning the orders or directions of your Dominant.  It shows you wish to understand.  Questioning yourself is also a worthy exercise.  Even in the deepest Master/slave relationship, where obedience is the only requirement, to obey, you need to understand.

I would say it is even appropriate to question the relationship.  If you hear, inside yourself, questions about the care and intentions of your Dominant.  You should listen hard.  For if doubt comes in, it should be questioned and respected, answered and discussed.  But THAT discussion is for another time.

The Eroticist

A Request

As most of you know, I am a new resident of the Austin area.  (Whew, election day, very different from California.)  I am reaching the end of a year long adventure with the Austin Mentor’s Program which has given me an opportunity to meet a large number of very experienced people, learn a great more deal about BDSM history, fire play, whips, sexual stimulation, Dominance, and rope bondage, as well as safety, responsibility and medical assistance.  It has been a good experience and a valuable way to meet and gain many new friends.

It also has given me inspiration and opportunities to develop demonstrations and lectures of my own, and this is where I would like your help.  I want to gather information about what individuals feel are necessary qualities and knowledge in order to enter into a healthy BDSM or kink relationship.  I would like to hear your thoughts about a long term 24/7 Master/slave relationship, and those casual, just in the bedroom adventures.  I want to hear from those who enjoy on line relationships, people with one partner or many.  My concentration is, what are the qualities or understandings that you feel you, or your partner(s) need to have in order to have a successful BDSM relationship.  I do not care if you feel you are in a long term successful relationship, or have never had a partner.  I want to know your thoughts.

Please feel free to write me by making a comment here or write me privately at TheEroticist@GMail.Com.  I would love to hear from you.

The Eroticist

Affirmative Consent, Saying Yes, and SB-967

One of my favorite bloggers, Charlie Glickman, wrote recently about  California Senate Bill 967, the bill supporting “Affirmative Consent”.  The bill has engendered the traditional range of pundit expressions from full support for our female students in peril to an interesting response in the Santa Barbara Independent that put “Young Men’s Rights in Peril” as a subheading.  It was interesting to me that it said little about young women’s rights but ended with the statement, “We urge the sons and the parents of sons in California to band together to defeat SB 967.”  Charlie brings forth a wide range of information that can assist in weeding ones way through the CNN type talking heads.

But on this blog I tend to talk about a more alternate form of sexual expression.  Obviously, it goes a bit beyond areas where questions like, “Can I kiss you?” and “Do you like my running my fingers around your nipple?” are the appropriate types.  When we are thinking of asking questions such as “Do you want me to cane you till you bleed?”, Do you want to taste your blood?”,  “How about trying some fire play?” or even something as relatively benign as, “Do you want to invite another into our bed?”, the principles of “Affirmative Consent” gain greater importance.

But I, and I think a great number of other people, were brought up feeling that it is not really polite to ask such questions right away.  (I think I have previously mentioned my original difficulty with Reid Mihalco’s Safer Sex Elevator Speech.)  Sex, particularly beginning sex for yourself, or with a new partner, was forced into being this strange dance where you would try something and see if she told her mother, or got you slapped.  Well, maybe people don’t slap that much these days, but there were a myriad of ways every good girl was taught to tell you Not to do what you were doing, even if they liked it.

Unfortunately, that also put young ladies in the position where they felt they had to say “no” to things they liked, and taught young men to keep pushing past the “No’s” because a lot of the time that pushing got us to a point where the “No’s” changed to “Yes’s”.  (Now what did that teach us?)  It taught us not to listen to the “No’s”.  It also left us in a place where we sincerely did not know how to handle a “Yes”.  A young lady who said “Yes”, by word or deed was obviously Not a “Good” girl.  If she was not a “good” girl, then somehow she did not deserve respect.  (I have to say, for me, the dance was fun.  I greatly enjoyed discovering how to manage the path.)

I often wonder whether or not it would have been as fun if sex was taught as a decision we could take, intelligently, with open communication and expressions of our own desire and comfort, as it is for me now.  While I do not think it would result in less heartbreak, that is certainly a part of learning who you are, I do believe that it would result in far less injury and damage, intimidation and fear, both physical and emotional.  If it is a choice, a choice for me, a choice for you, then possibly it is easier to accept a No without feeling shamed and undesirable.

But again, when it comes to what it is that we do, “Affirmative Consent” is not only mandatory, but an item of safety and personal affirmation.  It would be a rare person these days who has not seen the rush to judgement by society and news organizations represented most easily by several players currently in, or possibly just out, of the NFL.  While this current blog is not the place for me to discuss my opinions on the differing behavior displayed, it is worthy to point out that there are strong opinions on the subject of violence against women and domestic violence no matter what the level of stated consent.  It is quite possible that the opinion of a consenting masochist can easily be ignored or discounted in a legal or criminal context as “what is usual in battered partners.”

Bringing this whole thing down to my own personal experience, I am lucky enough to have a partner who is a delightfully strong sexual masochist.  By that I mean that affectionate applications of seriously severe pain result in a strong and lustfull sexual response.  (Be still my heart.)  However, no matter the response, it is necessary for me to hear, repeatedly and clearly,  affirmations that what I do to her continues to be, even in after thought days later, desirable, enjoyable and affirming to her.  I need to hear that, otherwise it is far to easy to feel I may be slipping into an area where what I am doing is intimidating to the point where she can no longer express her dislike.

Sigh, so what is the point of all of this?  I tend to go to the honey.  You tell me that you really like what I am doing, I will continue it, and explore other ways to get the same response.  So tell me.  Tell me repeatedly through word and deed.

Ask what your partner wants.  Hearing, “I want you to…” can be a very affirmative consent, and when what your partner wants is to be tied and whipped until they scream, “Fuck Me” that affirmative consent can be very comforting.

The Eroticist

A New Submissive, Children and Finding Someone On Line

I apologize for taking so long to get back to Exxxotica, and this will only be delayed further as I have a heavy weekend ahead and I was recently asked to comment on some important issues.  A young mother expressed to me a growing interest in the BDSM lifestyle and an interest in finding a relationship on line as she was a single mother and felt strongly about the protection of her child.  She had no experience in finding a BDSM partner and wanted some advice as to what direction to take.

My answer was the following:

There is a truly HUGE amount about which I would wish to comment.  I will try to hit everything, but again, it is a lot.  It is important, but it is absolutely my own opinion.  My puppy bear is a lovely submissive and strongly masochistic woman with two preteen children.  I have asked her to add her thoughts.  Those will be in italics.
So, the subjects you bring up are, in general, the following:

1)  Being a Mother and keeping your sexual life private from your child(ren).

TE:  To be honest with you I will tell you that I am a Strong believer in open and honest communication, particularly with your children.  However, there are a lot of caveats there.  If you are dealing with children young enough not to understand the difference between your unique and private personal family lives and what you freely share with your second grade class in “Show and Tell”, then a large degree of decorum must be maintained.

I do not believe it appropriate in any way to invite your underage children to participate in any way in your sex life whether it be the purest Christian Vanilla Missionary style or the kinkiest form of erotic SM play.

However, no matter how private you keep things, it is inevitable that something will happen and questions will be asked.  It is at that time that an honest discussion must be had.  But there is no reason why you have to pour out every detail of your intimate flow of juices to your curious child.  If, for instance, your child asks why she heard Mommy yelling last night, I feel it totally unnecessary and dangerous to begin to develop a long story about how Mommy fell and hurt herself.  In my opinion the Best answer is, “Well, I will answer honestly, it has to do with Mommy and Daddy’s sex life.  Everything is good and loving and wonderful between Mom and Dad (or Mom and her friend) and no one was hurt.  We were having fun.  Do you want to know more?”  And in most cases, the answer will be “No”.  Kids usually don’t want to know about their parents making the beast with two backs, or whatever, so don’t bother going ahead with explanations they don’t want to hear.

An exploration of what they really ask about, and an honest answer will go far further in building a good relationship and trust between you, than any level of “protective” stories.  Kids really do know when you lie.

Again, this is my opinion from bringing up two happy and healthy boys in a house with my single tail collection hanging on my office wall.  If they asked, I answered.  Both boys have their own lives now, and are exploring their own individual choices within an atmosphere of great love from both their parents.

PB:  First off, I completely understand the desire to ‘shield’ your children from this part of your life all together.  That would be so much easier in so many ways.  But…..at least in my case, I have found that nearly impossible.  I agree that honesty is the best course of action….but I, myself, would likely buffer that transparency a tad.  First off – if your children are in the house then use a damn gag, for goodness sake.  Even the most well-adjusted, calm and open-minded child will NOT want to hear their mother screaming – be it from pain or pleasure.  I think a simple answer that divulges as little as necessary is appropriate.  ‘Yes, even grown-ups like to pretend sometimes and the handcuffs are fun when I am pretending to be captured.’  I have a much harder time with the topic of marks on my body.  Children (mine, at least) seem to not quite get the concept of privacy and so it has proven impossible to hide all marks on my body from them.  Personally, I have not done a good job with this one.  The result is that my oldest is aware of something….she is embarrassed by any marks that may show outside of my clothes…but I don’t think she really knows what they are from…and of course we all know the stories an imagination can create absent the truth are usually tenfold worse than the real thing.  

2)  Exploring a relationship on line.

TE:  I am aware of many people who have on line relationships that are healthy, affirming and rewarding.  I also know many people who have on line relationships which are not.  I think the most important thing to understand is that an on line relationship is not the same as one in real life for many different reasons.  It is not a practice run, it is not “almost” a real life relationship, it is different.  It is on line, and because of that, in my opinion, it is based almost entirely in fantasy.

Over untold ages humankind has learned to observe those with whom they interact.  Body position, tone of voice, eye movement, smell, hand movement.  Now that we communicate so much by text we tend to feel that these things are not necessary to communication.  But I say they are.  They are, in fact, so necessary that we imagine them as we read, just as when we read a novel we imagine the actions and behavior of the participants.  But here is the issue.  We are the ones who are imagining.  It is not coming from the person sending the text.  So in a way, it is like getting text with all these question sheets, and we fill them out with all the answers that confirm what it is we want to hear and not necessarily what it is that is being said.

So, eventually comes the actual meetings and the overwhelming surprises.  Since I presume you do eventually want a lifelong relationship with your ideal Dominant, now comes the unfortunate process of unlearning what you have now learned on line, and adjusting to the reality of person to person interactions.  Believe me. They be different.

PB:   Are you interested in an online relationship to help keep distance between this and the rest of your life?  If so, it may suffice…..but keep in mind that if you find the D/s dynamic truly fulfilling you may likely long for more intimacy, contact and ownership than a virtual r’ship can provide for you.  My first exposure to D/s was online and I felt it was a good ‘warm-up’ to see if I really enjoyed this sort of thing….sort of a low-risk trial period.  But I found, pretty soon, that I wanted much more than an online situation could provide.  Technology certainly helps with this sort of thing….it is possible to feel connected, aroused, pleasured together even though separated by miles.  But, personally, I found it very limited and unsatisfying fairly quickly. 

3)  Deciding on what kind of relationship you really want.

TE:  This is, by FAR, the most difficult step for both a submissive and a Dominant.  We are not taught in this society to look into ourselves and accept who it is we really are.  We are primarily taught to observe what society and our friends and our teachers tell us we should be and should want, and to model our behavior to match that in order to be accepted and safe.  But for many of us, sooner or later, as you are discovering, that structure of behavior just don’t make it.  We find that we can not maintain the role.  This is not a bad thing.  But just because it is not a bad thing does not make it an easy thing.  I freely admit that it was and is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and it is absolutely ongoing.  It does not stop.

So it is time to start.  It requires you to clearly envision what you want to get, what you want to give, and how that is to be done.  It requires research.  In other words, you have to begin to learn what is out there and all the different and strange kinky things that people do, and decide if that is for you.  The easiest way to do that is to read and research on line.  When you see something, or hear about something and finally understand a bit about what that actually entails, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It will tell you a lot.  If you feel yourself getting breathless or want to read the passage again, or watch the video again, that really is saying something to you.  This is something you want to approach.  If you read or view something that really sort of bores you and you move on quickly, think about it.  WHY is it uninteresting?  Is it the behavior, the relationship you assume, or is it possibly frightening?  All good reasons to, at this time, avoid it.  Perhaps it would be good for you later, perhaps not.  But there is no reason for you to pursue now.  Remember:  This behavior is for you  and no matter how “submissive” you wish to eventually be in a relationship, it is still, now and for all time, for your Pleasure, Enjoyment, and Fulfillment.

Finally, a caveat, while movies, clips, books, stories, and many internet sites involving kink and BDSM life can go a long way to introduce and inform you about what is possible for you, they are primarily written, filmed and produced to titillate and attract, not necessarily to inform as to reality.  A simplistic example would be that it may be incredibly hot to imagine being strung up in a closet all day while your Master/Owner goes off to work.  It is also a good way to die.  Bondage seems simple, but it causes more injury and death than any other form of play in which we engage.

PB:  I find this is SUCH a difficult question to answer…..not to mention that it is often a moving target.  We are constantly evolving and so what it might take to make us happy will likely evolve right along with us.  I like the concept of imagining the RELATIONSHIP you want vs. the DOMINANT.  It helps you focus on what is really important.  Personally, I have only begun to be able to think in concrete terms about what I want after real life experience.  Submission and this type of dynamic was too unknown and nebulous for me to be able to form intelligent ideas of what I did or did not want.  I found talking through this with a trusted member of the kink community immensely helpful.  

TE:  So, with the above three discussions you might get the impression that I truly recommend a difficult level of honesty with yourself and those you most love, and a strong recommendation that you can learn FAR more from real life encounters with real people than you can just reading, watching and interacting on line, all of which is true.  But there is a LOT more I would wish to say before THAT step is made.  That brings me to issue #4.

4)  Keeping yourself safe.

I do not know your location, so some of what I say might be difficult.  I was introduced into the public kink scene while I lived in Los Angeles and I had a multitude of different venues to choose from at which to learn, see demo’s and meet a wide variety of people, both good and bad.  It was a fine and valuable education which formed a great deal of what I recommend.

I think the first thing to do is to contact a large and reputable community as close as possible to you,  Yes, on line, but eventually in a place you can visit.  There are many all over the country.  Though the broader site does not have one particular location, I strongly recommend FetLife.Com as a community to explore.  It is world wide and has an overwhelming number of smaller groups for specific locations.

Once you find a local, or close community, attempt to connect with people who are like you (particularly if you and they have young children, for they have delt with the same issues) both in situation and in inclination (a relatively young submissive woman, masochistic if you are).  Talk, Take your time.  Understand that on many different levels You Are NEW MEAT.  While that is a direct warning to avoid immediate contact with the large number of Sexual Dominants (both heterosexual and lesbian) who will approach you, it is also a warning against people who want you to immediately join this group because they want you to understand right away how much better they are than that group.  Unfortunately that attitude is rampant in the lifestyle, no matter what part of the country you are.

Eventually, you will want to go to some form of community gathering.  They come in all flavors.  Public gatherings at a restaurant (munches), educational events, lectures or demo’s, and, of course, the play party.  If you have talked and gotten to know someone of your inclination, go to one of these events when you can meet them.  You will be introduced and probably almost immediately approached by someone who is just the most perfect person that can possibly be.  Ah, probably this is not the time to go off and have a private meeting with him so he can tell you how the BDSM scene really is, what a “real” Dominant is, and how a “real” submissive should behave towards them.  Now is the time to go home, take a Big breath, and see how all this sits inside.  Then, when you are absolutely and totally comfortable, go again and do the same.

Are you hearing me?  What I am saying is Take Things Slowly.  You will not want to.  You have just discovered Nirvana, a release from a state of suffering.  But sweet, most precious, unique and special person, you still have a lot to learn.

If, at any time, in this slow and lovely process, you see someone whose style, look, behavior and words seem to attract you, then it might be time to ask around a bit.  Does he already have a submissive, in which case it might be reputable very good to meet and talk with them both?  Is he or you interested in a multiple partner family?  If he is single, has he had submissives before?  Talk to them.  Why is the relationship no longer active?  Are they friends?  What is your take (Listen To Your Body) on the submissive?  After this, then you might want to talk to the actual Dominant.

I can not tell you what an overwhelming complement it is to be approached by a submissive who has done her homework, has learned about you, knows a lot about what she wants, and freely admits that she is attracted to you.  It is a truly wonderful place to start negotiations.

Whew:  OK, Negotiations.  Remember, you may be a submissive, but you are not anyone’s submissive.  You are still your own woman with your own needs and wants and every right in the world to get exactly what it is you need, and maybe what you want.  There is NO reason why you should be overly deferential or submissive to this person.  You should be polite and confident.  An oft used phrase of mine is, “I would far rather have the momentary submission of a Queen, than the abject slavery of a wretch.”  Submission is in no way subservience.  In my relationship I want self confidence, pride, character, and insight.  How much more valuable that is.  I want every gift my submissive can give me, and I can not know all the many gifts she has.

Finally, if your situation precludes the possibility of exploring within the context of a community and you are eventually forced to meet a prospective Dominant on your own and possibly on his turf, do a great deal of research on safe meetings and safe calls.  I can not emphasize that enough.  If you ask I will explain.

PB:  Definitely look into Fetlife and find the groups near your area.  There will likely be some sort of submissive group that could be a good place to start looking for friendly faces.  Even if you aren’t ready for anything local, there are several online submissive groups that would be useful for you to listen to and learn from.  But please do remember……each path is unique.  Listen and learn how others handle their kink lives and remember those things that resonate with you, discard the rest.  If you are willing to meet folks in real life,  I strongly suggest, as Arach did, that you start out S-L-O-W.  This can be VERY HARD to do…..talk about a kid in a candy store!  But you really want quality over quantity.   Get to know folks, socialize only, for awhile…..find one or two Dom/mes or tops that you feel comfortable with and who have a good reputation (asking for references is common and expected) and just spend time slowly exploring what is available on a play partner basis versus a Dom/sub relationship.  This will help you build up that description of the relationship you want, without complicating it by attaching it to one particular person.  As you learn more and gain a better understanding of yourself as a submissive, it will be much easier for you to determine those qualities in a Dominant partner that will fulfill you.

TE:  I hope what I have said has brought up untold questions and would hope that you ask them all.

The Eroticist

Chicago Friday

First I want to apologize for the extended silence.  While I will spare you the rather lurid details, shortly before my trip to Chicago I caught a bug which has seemed to be intractable.  So far, no diagnosis and to one level or another, it has stayed with me.  While in Chicago, several additional physical issues came forth but I was unable to find therapy until returning to Texas.  As a result, my energy has been incredibly low and little is being done other than maintenance. However, now I am home and I feel a great need to share some experiences I had while in Chicago.  As I mention many people, I also had to wait to mention them until I got permission, a time consuming process.

Friday at Mistress C‘s dungeon was a full and exciting day.  Women were free to enter, and so the hall gets packed.  It was particularly nice to see old friends from the past years at Exxxotica.  Shortly after it started, I heard a scream and saw my good friend Lilly Rose come bounding over to introduce me to her Daddy.  He was unable to attend last year.  It was a Very enjoyable hug.

I want to mention some other people who I was glad to see.  My friend Nina Hartley, a highly intelligent and erudite educator and fine piece of woman flesh, Mistress Candy with her two sissy pets, a delightful Dominant woman who can be polite and playful with a fellow male Dominant and not feel in any way threatened, and the wonderfully diminutive Lady Cupcake, a woman who, if she chooses, can have a unique career in her chosen field.  I would also like to thank Lucky Bastid, and Boston Brian, for their extensive service through the weekend.  Good people all.

There is another friend, or at least acquaintance I had a lovely opportunity to see again.  We had met at last years Exxxotica when she came with a girlfriend and expressed a desire to feel what it was like to have some sensation play.  First, I use the term sensation play to mean any form of play involving more extreme forms of sensation.  Often it is called pain play, but pain is highly subjective and any particular form of activity can create a wide range of reactions and subjective interpretations of what it is that is felt. This beautiful young lady’s reaction was one I talk about often.  She stood before a cross and volunteered to be flogged.  We talked for a while and as she was new, certainly to me and to a great extent to sensation play, I began quite lightly and checked in with her repeatedly.  For most of our time together, she replied positively in a clear and rational manor.  But then, within a space of thirty seconds, she became very quiet.  Sensitive to these kinds of changes I tapered down to a somewhat rapid halt, and asked if she wanted to sit.  Silently she nodded but needed a fair bit of assistance to move off of the cross and sit with her friend.  We talked about her need for liquids, possibly some light food, and that this feeling may possibly continue for as long as a day or two, but that it was to be expected, and not in any way something about which to be concerned.

What is worth remembering is that this was a dramatic change, and occurred over a very short time.  If I knew her better, had more experience with her, I could have extended that float and made it more pleasant for her, but Exxxotica is not really the environment for it.

When she came this year, she look for me, and reminded me of who she was and our experience together.  Aware, I asked her friend to watch her carefully and constantly report to me on her state.  We were able to have a short scene, but at no time was she able to get into that delightful subspace of endorphin induced float.  At this time, I worry that this was a disappointment for her.  I feel I should have spent less time preparing for what might happen from our previous experience and  should have taken the time to talk with her about what level of experience she had gained over the year, and most importantly, find out what it is she wanted from the scene.  I truly do hope it was enjoyable for her.

At another moment I had a conversation with a lovely young lady named Summer.  It began by her asking if she could get into the cage by which I was standing.  Well, I mean who am I to refuse?  If a beautiful young lady ask me to put her in a cage, I am glad to assist.  I sat next to her for a while and had a lovely conversation about scene life, our individual histories and interests, and relationships in general…through the bars.  An enjoyable moment.

One final important interchange. at least important to me. occurred during a paddling scene observed by a handsome young black man.  As we were watching he turned to me and expressed with great concern, “You know, I like that, but I don’t want to be anyone’s Bitch.”  This brought to the fore the vast number of misconceptions that people, particularly people new to the scene who have most of their information from media and internet porn.

The first thing I told him was that there are no package deals!   Just because you enjoy any particular kind of sensation play does not automatically imply that you choose to be submissive to the person applying it.  In fact, I know of several, quite Dominant people, who are quite masochistic and directly inform those submissive to them exactly how to apply sensation and when to do it.

I can not emphasize enough that the incredible joys that can come from this kind of relationship come precisely because we choose to define the dynamics we desire and we look carefully at assumptions, both society’s and our own, in order to choose the relationship that gives us the joy we desire.  Just because we individually choose the dynamics we wish to include in our relationships does not mean we force those choices on others.  The best relationships come when we find a partner who willingly chooses the joyous counterpart to the dynamics we have chosen for ourselves.

I am looking forward to “The Sixties” this week when it looks at the woman’s revolution.  For I believe that if it is your choice, whether it to be a leather clad sadistic mistress trailing her sissy boys behind, or a June Cleaver in pearls waiting to serve her husband in whatever desires he may have, I applaud you.  Let it be your choice, and not just something you are taught to accept.

I wanted to get this published.  There are busy weeks coming for me, but I promise to talk far more about my days at Exxxotica as soon as possible, with pictures.

The Eroticist

Back to Chicago

I will be going back to Chicago, July 10 to the 18th.  I am greatly looking forward to my visit.  I will be there to speak, perform and pontificate at Mistress C’s Exxxotica Dungeon for the three days of the convention. But it is my home town and where I lived for the first 20 some years of my life, and my greatest joy with be the time I will be sharing with my oldest friend and most excellent tour guide, OWS.

I greatly look forward to watching the excellent eye candy, speaking with old friends, meeting new, but I will be looking forward most to the time I will spend with OWS.  He has been exploring major new elements of his life and relationships and I am deeply proud of the courage I have seen in his commitments to growth.  See, even us old fucks can continue to broaden our horizons.

I will do my best to bring announcements and adventures back here to share.  Every time I go to an event like this I learn, some about others, some about techniques, but mostly about myself.  It will be an interesting time for my growing relationship with my puppy bear.  Unfortunately she will be left home, and that will not be easy on her.  But I am very much looking forward to bring home stories for her.

So come with, enjoy the stories, and see if our horizons can expand together.  I hope you will not be too bored with the excellent menus and museums, but Chicago has an abundance of both.

The Eroticist

For the Love of a Submissive

This was quoted in a Tumblr gathered by my puppy bear and I found it spot on.  After a bit of looking I found the original here if you wish to follow.

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Dominant Traits – Submission is Earned Not Ordered

In my seemingly endless quest to identify and describe the essence of Dominance and submission I have often found it easier to describe what it is not versus what it is. My writing it turns out has been less an act of description and more an effort to identify boundaries, framing D/s into something coherent and tangible. So once again I am going to begin with the contrast of what Dominance is not, and in so doing hopefully allude to what it is.

The greatest misconception I see from aspiring and wannabe Doms is that Dominance is about asserting active control and giving orders to satisfy one’s own desires. There is no doubt that the carrying out of commands can be a manifestation and indeed a fringe benefit of being a Dominant, but the selfish motivation is all wrong. Hubris, hedonism and narcissism are not the bedrock on which Dominance is built. Indeed, they are the enemy and even antithesis of successful dominance.

A submissive does not initially kneel because she has been ordered to. A submissive kneels because a Dominant has entered her world who recognized her deep seated need to kneel before another and serve them completely. But she does not kneel simply because she is in the company of one claiming to be a Dominant. Rather, she does so because someone has finally proven themselves worthy of her gifts and has successfully unlocked her desire to grant them without reservation.

The Dominant does not accomplish this through orders but rather through patient questioning and attentive active listening. The Dominant does not order a submissive to her knees to serve him but rather creates an environment of trust, desire and anticipation within which the submissive falls to her knees in devoted service of her own volition. Despite the pornographic BDSM imagery of force and even brutality and humiliation between a Dominant and submissive, long before there is kink and physical power exchange there is generally a full and complete emotional exchange of power. This is not done through bludgeoning or brutality but rather through patient and loving drawing out of desire. It is coaxing not command.

When my Muse first knelt for me I did not order her to her knees, she asked permission to do so. My job as Dominant was not to command but rather to enable. She reached the decision that I was the one she wanted to kneel before on her own. I simply created the environment where she felt comfortable, safe and desirous of doing so and I have the duty to continually and unfailingly nurture that environment for as long as our relationship continues. It is work. It is hard work.

A Dominant doesn’t get to enjoy this level of devotion and service by sitting back imperiously giving orders. They do so by continually and actively investing in the betterment of the relationship and the people within it. That means not only continually working to draw out the best in a submissive, but also continually seeking to be a better and more worthy Dominant. It is an active pursuit that takes hard work and unflinching dedication.

It is true that as a Dominant I get to give orders and often benefit directly from their being carried out; it is indeed good to be in command. But while I may be in command today, I have to continually earn the position, and could lose it in a heartbeat through misdeed or neglect. It is a revokable honor. But I did not gain the status of command by giving orders. I can give orders because the position of command has been granted me by a submissive. This is a distinction that seems to be lost on many.

Menacingly snarling out orders like “On your knees slut” does not make anyone a Dominant, but being a Dominant earns the ability to give such orders. Before any of that, the respect and desire of a submissive must be earned and that is an act of drawing out, not commanding. Only after submission is truly earned and freely given can a Dominant presume to have the right and ability to give orders. And even at that, obedience is only obtained when there is will and desire to do so. It is the job of the dominant to foster that desire.

I would argue that the title of Dominant or Master is NOT something one confers upon oneself as I so often see here on Tumblr and elsewhere. It is an identity and honorific that is earned from and bestowed by a submissive. I may believe myself to have a dominant personality, but I am not a “Dominant” or “Master” until a submissive identifies me as hers and we agree to that relationship. Anything less is mere posturing and bluster.

So the bottom line is that submission is earned not ordered. Dominance is a gentle act of drawing out not commanding; indeed it is a high form of seduction versus brutality. And while Dominants have egos, the act of dominance is not an ego-driven domineering state. It is perhaps most surprisingly an act of vulnerability and love.

© For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

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The Eroticist