Posts tagged ‘master slave’

Wants and Needs

It has been a while since writing.  For that I apologize.  Holidays, health and births have taken my attention.  But here are some thoughts.

It was often told to me that it is the Dominant’s responsibility to satisfy the Needs of their submissives, but it is their choice as to whether or not they satisfy their submissive’s wants.

To me that seemed a relatively simple, understandable and reasonable statement.  If I am taking some level of responsibility for the well being of this person, much like a parent has responsibility for their child, it is understandable that I would be responsible for their needs, but just because my little girl wants a pony, that does not necessarily mean she will be getting a pony.

But even in Daddy/little girl relationships, understanding the statement is not easily translated into a practical application thereof.  H0pefully we are dealing with adults here, adults who may have had many years experience in deciding exactly what their needs and wants might be.  But deciding the difference between our needs and wants is profoundly different from responsibly deciding what is a need and what is a want in someone else.

The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects.  We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship.  Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere.  In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it.

Let us look at the following example:  The two of you have talked extensively about the mutual desire to broaden your sexual relationship, go for a triad for example.  She may a great desire and vast experience with bi-sexuality, for instance, and truly enjoy girl/boy/girl porn.  She thinks that doing that would be so HOT!  You may feel that adding a third to your family would be a delight.

But then comes the day when the two of you invite some hot and horny woman into your bedroom.  Your partner, with whom you have worked for years so she can feel as open and vulnerable to you as possible, look at you as her guide and director, her adviser and teacher, the one who who she allows within this vulnerability to take her to really incredible heights of sexual passion by all those lovely things that You do to HER.  Now she is watching you do all these lovely things to this other woman who shows incredible appreciation for the passion you are lifting in her and you are sincerely loving that appreciation that previously you got only from your partner, and your partner sees that and suddenly things are not going as wonderfully as you both had anticipated.  This is immediately complicated by her knowing she agreed to this, and it is, after all, obviously pleasurable to you.

Or possibly she has wanted to experience two men all her life, and you find another Dominant and you both Top her and you find her responding to His Dominance as she does to yours, and eagerly following His directions or responding to His sadistic thrills as she does to yours.  Suddenly you do not seem as special in your partner’s eyes.  Your appreciation is just not quite as great.  That disillusionment, in either case, can drag on and effect your relationship for quite a long time.

What is a Dominant, a Master to do?  That is a very difficult question and one I have been struggling with for quite a while.  Let me say now that I do not have an answer.  But I have some thoughts.

Something I dearly wish to avoid are disastrous mistakes.  We are dealing, after all, with deeply personal levels of behavior that are often glossed over in relationships.  Most people don’t do what we do and a disastrous mistake can result in the end of a relationship, particularly in times when people jump into fantasy behavior without thinking about the practical and realistic results.

So my first thought is, Take Your Time.  There is no rush here.  Talking about it is fine, describe it, suggest different scenarios.  Suggest different outcomes, even unpleasant ones.  Talk about how the two of you would handle them.

Then Listen.  You will hear the sincere joy or the concern.  There will always be hints.  Be aware of long pauses with questions such as, “Is that what you want?”  Is she just asking, or is she expressing a deep concern.  Then be honest with yourself?  Is it what you want?  Is it important enough to examine the basis of your relationship, because that is what is required?  May be, may not be.  That is up to you.  But make an honest decision.  If you discover that there is an area of fragility, then it is up to you to decide if your relationship is strong enough to test it or whether or not this activity should be postponed.

Observe.  Does she come back to a subject the next day?  Does she seem unsettled?  As a scheduled event approach is she quieter or are there disagreements over unrelated subjects that usually do not happen?  Does she do her service with less joy?

The question is, is it more important to go forward with an event with the possibility of unsettled issues which can cause difficulty in the future, or is it better to wait, postpone the event, and for both of you to work towards transparency and trust?  Which is more important?  What exactly are Your wants and your needs?  I usually move towards waiting.

The Eroticist

Some interesting blogs on the subject by some knowledgeable people, my good friend and a very KinkyLittleGirl.  A multiblog post from the Submissive Guide, but it aims particularly at how a submissive can discern between Wants and Needs, and not from a Dominant’s point of view.  A longer post from A Submissives journey.  He does tend to tell you exactly what those needs are for all submissive women, and you should know that this site has the following policy, “This website is dedicated to the belief and practice of “Absolute Submission” and “Unconditional Surrender” within the “Ancient” and “Biblical” documented and practiced “Natural Order” of women consensually submitting to men.”  Not a philosophy with which I totally agree, but it is an interesting read.

18

Why is it that one can see on some social media sites statements such as, “I have been a submissive all my life.  I want to explore.  I want to be owned.”  This from someone Eighteen years of age.

Now please understand, I believe it is possible that a person of that age can accept that they are and have been submissive.  While many can discover this desire and tendency later, it is quite possible that for some it is known from a profoundly early age.  It is also quite possible that these people discover at a later age, that they really enjoy being a switch, or perhaps they find their submissive tendencies are a survival characteristic to allow them to exist in a family or society that does not reward their Dominance.  It is even quite possible that they find at a later age, kink is not for them at all.  Where I question things is whether or not one can know their life at age eighteen.

I sincerely have nothing against someone of that age deciding to enter into and rejoicing in a Master/Slave relationship.  But this is something that takes a great deal of time.  Extremely deep levels of communication must be built, and pardon me, but someone of that age does not yet have a great deal of experience in communication.  Please hear what I am saying.  An eighteen year old does not have a great deal of experience in deep transparent communication of their opinions, emotions, and considered desires.  Now this may have a great deal to do with them not having a great deal of experience with being respectfully HEARD.  That is not something for which this society is particularly well known.

The most important aspect of my concern is whether or not an eighteen year old has the experience in observing and understanding others that is necessary before accepting someone that writes them through a social media site and tells them they are a MASTER.  In this age where anyone can describe themselves as anything, with any kind of photo and any kind of text to an audience of millions, where we hear almost daily of people murdering through Craig’s list, and a phenomenal list of abuse under the guise of Dominance and submission, I am severely bothered by the thought of someone so young offering themselves on such an open and unsupervised market.

Yes, I am certainly willing to accept that many of the eighteen year olds so described are, in fact, people far different in reality who have not yet gotten to the point of accepting themselves and seeking what they wish in an open honest way through introspection and honest description.  The vast abilities given to us through the internet have allowed us a level of wide self presentation that I do not believe we yet understand, and certainly do not yet know its personal and societal consequence.

I suppose my concern comes not so much from the uncomfortably large number of people so describing themselves on social media sites, but in my profound fear that those few, truly lovely submissive young people, both male and female, who are ultimately worthy of great respect and care, may become involved in relationships which teach them that Dominance and submission is something negative or unrewarding, or at the worst, abusive, dangerous and harmful.  I believe that it should not be so, and at its best is rewarding and affirming to an extent far beyond (those of mortal men [sorry]) those relationships we see on a daily basis which are unconsidered, un-introspective, and are usually maintained without work.

I fear that this post is a little haphazzard.  I am in the midst of a difficult move and more work than I fear I am capable.  But the thoughts were there.

The Eroticist