Posts tagged ‘relationships’

A Message

OK, I get up this morning and go to the computer to check my mail.

A game that my youngest son recommended is finished loading off of STEAM. (He has recommended the most excellent games to me.  The last one was “Life is Strange“, things new, that I would not have explored, but that are intensely interesting and unique.).  As I am just exploring the beginnings (Fucking weird and intense, it begins with a romance, marriage, then his wife begins getting early onset Alzheimer’s, hospitalized, he takes a job as a fire watcher to get away from it all.  It is called, appropriately, “Firewatch“.)
Anyway, I am playing it when I see what I thought was a fly hovering between me and the screen.  Try to kill it.  Sure I got it, but no.
It ISN’T a fly, it is a tiny spider, hovering, always between me and the monitor.  I reach above it to try to catch the thread of its web to set it down somewhere else, and realize it is not hanging from above, it is floating on air currents from a thread ATTACHED TO ME.  To my glasses.
I take the thread and set him down below the monitor, but he is up and floating again within 5 minutes.  He is telling me something, but I don’t know what it is.  So I stop and think, and let myself wonder.
I do not know what it is.  There is no rule book.  But there is something here that is very important.  When strange things like this happen in your life, LISTEN, even to the very small ones.  They are tiny windows into a world that is DIFFERENT than yours.  These windows are important.  They allow you to see something outside of your life.  I don’t know.  Maybe that is what my spider friend is trying to tell me.
Moments that you do not understand, moments that (yes) confuse you, are important.  They show you that you are NOT all knowing, all understanding, that everything is NOT within your control.  Of course, most people would except that.  They know they can not control everything.  But we think we understand that, and understand the “WHY”.  Even in moments when things are not going our way, we think that “WHY” they are not going our way is understood, something I did, something he did, bad timing, whatever.  But they are not.  In the vast number of cases we do not know, and we certainly  do not understand when they do go our way.
But that is good.  That is VERY good.  That is the lesson, I think.  We have to be comfortable with that.  Life IS a mystery, really, and that is, in a very powerful way, why it is worth living.  It creates Wonder.  A completely understood life is, maybe, a little bit, maybe a lot, boring.
The Eroticist

The Triumvirate, the First Leg

I was once told that a three legged stool was the most sable, because it could never wobble.  I am not sure if the analogy will hold through this.  But it is a good place to start.

I often have deeply insightful discussions with my partner pb.  Our relationship is slowly but, and most importantly, consistently growing.  A subject that has been discussed repeatedly in the recent past has been Transparency.

A simple definition of transparency within the BDSM context is the ability to communicate everything, rational and emotional, without editing.  We are not trained to do that.  We are trained to hide, even from ourselves.  (Psychologists make quite a good living from that tendency.)  Transparency is the ability to tell your partner what is happening inside.  How do you feel, even if it may hurt to say it?  What do you want, even if you know you can’t or shouldn’t get it?  It is the ability to communicate what is inside even if it is silly, embarrassing, stupid, contradictory, self centered, jealous, and insulting.  Most importantly, even if you don’t like it.

Gandhi once said he had an allegiance to truth, not to consistency.  Humans are inherently self contradictory.  Our feelings are true, but they may be totally contradictory to what we state.  Our beliefs are true even if our feelings brings us to contradictory actions.  No matter, to be transparent we must be able to express them.

Now here is the overwhelmingly sticky element in all of this from within an authority exchange relationship.  Transparency is required from the slave or submissive to the Dominant, but not from the Dominant to the slave or submissive.  That’s a real kicker, one of those, “How come it’s OK for YOU” elements.  But there are some caveats there.  The Dominant MUST be internally transparent to the best of his or her ability.  That is he must understand himself and his reasons for his behavior.  But he or she is not required to be verbally transparent about his or her actions to those who have given them authority.

This is not a power play.  If a Dominant is attempting to bring forth an insight within his submissive, telling her how and why would, at that point, only give her tools with which to armor herself.

Those on the right side of slash in the D/s or M/s relationship MUST be transparent to the best of their ability in all communication to their partner on the left side of the slash.  Those in authority must do whatever they can to encourage and train their partners to be so.  How else can the Dominant or Master make the best decisions?

But those on the left, to do their best work, to bring out the best in their partners, are not required to expose the reasons behind their behavior to those on the right.  To do their job, to intelligently take on the responsibility of the relationship, to assist in the growth of that relationship and those within it, a Dominant or Master must often do sly and sneaky things.  If he is able, he must, at times, trick his partner into insights.  He must eloquently finagle.

However, to ACCEPT that finagling, to be able to willingly give that authority, to say, “I may not understand, but I accept” requires Trust, and that is the second leg.

The Eroticist

Exxxotica 2015 Part deux, BonBlundt

So, plans are made to go to Chicago, and I know that BonB will be there.  We talk many times on the phone and reminisce about our time in Santa Barbara, two years ago.  So many elements of our play go through our minds, strong emotional humiliation, deep submission, violent sadomasochism, and dedicated service.  I ask her to write me letters on what she desires from me and send a list of button issues (areas which I can use in emotional humiliation play) and to be sure to get tested for STIs.  She will be my transportation for the week and we will be spending a lot of time together.

Through the period of these phone calls, she was called overseas again.  This presented some problems and her occupation with things there and quickly changing events in her life added to some communication issues between herself and overseas medical professionals preventing the correct tests being done and got in the way of letters being written.  To explain a bit from my point of view, being in a position of Dominance, it was perplexing why, what I viewed as simple requests for information would be impossible to do within a relatively long period of time, but I understood her life was quite busy at the time in ways I did not know.

When I arrived in Chicago and saw her, with great joy I grabbed her and squeezed her breast and immediately bit her. Her reaction, however, was surprising.  It was comprised primarily of anger and distance, and mine was a resounding, WTF.  Over the next few days, every attempt to approach her in ways that were familiar to us seemed to result in distancing and anger.  Please understand, I believe this was as much a surprise to BonB as it was to me.

By Friday, the first day of the convention I had seen many things drop away.  Most, if not all sexual attraction towards me, any form of sadomasochist play, and much of the sense of joy of service due to a growing feeling of distance.

At the convention, I asked her to walk around the convention floor as I cracked my whip and “shilled” for the Dungeon.  It is a wonderful area for flirting and I wanted to experience what it would be like if we were able to flirt together, as we had previously discussed.  Sigh, that too was to pass.  As we walked the floor, BonB expressed her feeling that she was just a passive follower with no purpose, was not engaged, and felt useless.  I had No idea what to do and where to go.  To end it all, at the after party, I made a futile attempt at humorous humiliation which resulted in her leaving the party and going to bed.  I spent the rest of the evening sitting with my friend Lili (to be discussed later) and wondering what to do.  Nothing that we had discussed was left.  I did not know where to go.  I was the Dominant.  This was my responsibility, and it was going horribly wrong.

I wish I could tell you the exact moment this happened, the exact progression of thoughts or decisions, but once realized, it was absolute simplicity.  BonB, the girl I had known in Santa Barbara, was a lovely girl in her mid 20s who was going through a tremendous number of changes.  She had just, that weekend, decided to explore her interest in BDSM again after a long hiatus.  She had tickets to leave her home, friends and family and move, perhaps permanently, overseas and explore a new life, new country, and new relationships.  She was ready for a change.

Well, she changed.  What were we to expect?  Though it surprised both of us, the girl I knew in Santa Barbara was not the girl I was with in Chicago, and the only way to find out who she was, was to allow it.  LOL, this can sometimes be a challenge for a Dominant.  But I swear to you, the most enjoyable moments I have had in any relationship were moments when I could remain, or at least struggle to be, detached from what I would want to be, and actually discover what was.  This is a very hard lesson, but one that is worth the effort.  It is ongoing.

So we were there to show anyone who expressed interest, what we do and the undercurrent of joy, communication and love that can (and should) drive us forward in our play and relationships, no matter how UNequal and violent it may seem to the outside.  I can not remember who suggested it, but the thought came up that my dear BonB should show her Dominant side, her Hunter.  After all, my interest was primarily to show pretty little girls what it was like to be on the cracker side of a whip, why shouldn’t she show her skills to the pretty little boys?

So she went to the bathroom and emerged as the strict and powerful, FRAU BLUNDT, hair in a severe bun, corset, and black, tight skirt.  From that moment on we consistently worked back story, character, relationships, and intention of “zee goot Frau” and through Saturday and Sunday I saw this delightful woman truly rejoice in her ability to hunt for, charm, capture, and “correct” a gaggle of young men into her service.  When I could, I mentored her in added ways, almost plots, I suppose, to create a reason for her to “correct” and “teach” these poor wayward boys into appropriate appreciation for her strong willed ways.  It was a true delight to see.

The most amusing moment for me was when  she was applying the dragon’s tongue to the back of a young man who had VERY responsive skin.  When she finished, we all talked for a bit, and as he was facing her, I was the only one noticing that there were many marks on his back that were getting redder and redder as we talked.  After a while I asked him to turn around to show the good Frau Blundt the results of her work, and as he did, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped in almost childlike joy and astonishment.  I absolutely cracked up.

The funny thing, at the end, was that once all our expectations were dropped, once how it was supposed to be was given up for a discovery of how it was, that opened up additional doors, or possibly reopened old doors, and Frau Blundt joyously took on the responsibility of service to “her Superintendent”.  While it was not in any way what we had both thought it would be, it was far better than we could have imagined.  That took a great deal of strength on her part, and I am proud to have seen it.

That pride also goes to my wondrous, most loved puppy bear, who also had changes to go through.  But that will be told, in part, at a later time.

The Eroticist

 

Appropriate Questions

It has been a long time since I wrote.  My mind has been on establishing relationships, becoming comfortable in new communities, establishing a new presence and occupation in my new home, and discovering new places for me in the world.

Today I think about questions and the responses they engender in my own mind.  What questions are important in a relationship, particularly at the beginning, particularly in this strange lifestyle we call BDSM.  So before I move on, I want to ask you, my readers, what questions you would ask or want answered within yourself and by your prospective partner when beginning a relationship.  Seriously, I want to know what is necessary for you, what is important.  Send them as comments or write me directly.  I want to know.

I recently saw a post from a young submissive who said she needed help.  The question she gave me was, “How can i better serve?”

My answer follows:

OK, that is a very open ended question and has a large number of possible answers.

Look at what you are good at. What was the original attraction between you?  Was it your beauty, your sensuality, your willingness to throw yourself into his direction, your enjoyment of extreme sensation, your knowledge and expertise?  What was it that attracted you to him?  What do you want to encourage in him?

Is your relationship based in a sexual relationship, service relationship, play or SM? Is it a 24/7 live in relationship, a long distance, primarily text or phone relationship?

Have you asked your Dominant/Master what it is that he wants most?

I suppose what I am saying is that the first step to any form of service is communication. You should work towards clear, transparent channels between you.

This may mean the first efforts should be within yourself. What is it that you want? I do not mean that in a demanding, get what you want kind of mode, but that you have to know what you want so you can tell your Dom/Master clearly. Inform him. Only that will allow him to make the right decisions. Obviously, he has to do the same. He has to know what he wants, so as to clearly inform you in how to please him. So communication comes first.

The next thing, in my mind, is to spend a lot of time examining your assumptions. The most valuable question to ask is, “What do you mean by that?” I have said many times that there is no rule book here. You both have to discover what the other means. An amazing amount of stress cam come from assuming you know what a word means to the other. What does “Service” mean to you? What does it mean to him? ASK! Be clear!

Do you want to serve him in any way possible, even if it is incredibly uncomfortable to you, painful, just because you are tremendously affirmed just by serving him? That works for some people, but do not assume it is what he wants, nor what service means. If it is not something that truly affirms you , but it is something that he wants, that dynamic will work against your long term relationship.

Conversely, if you assume that is what he wants, and so do things that are truly difficult for you when what he wants is to excite and astound you, then when he finds out you are suffering, he will be hurt and disappointed. He may not wish to be hurting his toy.  Do not assume. Find out.

Puppy bear, my partner, would not argue one bit with the thought that I am a strong sadist. But many sadists would argue with that term because I love a classical masochist, a pain puppy who wants me to hurt them until the only thing they want to do is fuck me. I have been told, “You’re not a sadist, you’re a very nice guy.” But that is because sadism to him was making his partner suffer, for him.

Every term we use in the lifestyle is open to personal interpretation. So ask, “What do you mean by that.” It is a very valuable discussion.

There is nothing wrong with questioning the orders or directions of your Dominant.  It shows you wish to understand.  Questioning yourself is also a worthy exercise.  Even in the deepest Master/slave relationship, where obedience is the only requirement, to obey, you need to understand.

I would say it is even appropriate to question the relationship.  If you hear, inside yourself, questions about the care and intentions of your Dominant.  You should listen hard.  For if doubt comes in, it should be questioned and respected, answered and discussed.  But THAT discussion is for another time.

The Eroticist

Questions and Answers

I ask you your feelings about things because I want to know.  How do you feel about that?  Do you like this? Do you want to go?  Where’s your head?  Do you trust him?  Why are you saying yes?  Why no?  Why?

When I have the answers then I have an understanding of the elements I need to make my decision.  But, I will be making the decision.

That is why we choose this relationship.  I am in charge.  I have the responsibility to take us in the right direction.  I wish to make the right decision, an informed decision.  So I will ask for your thoughts, your feelings, your reactions, your desires.  But do not think that I am seeking to please you, to do as you wish.  Though your pleasure is important to me, it is not my goal.

I will look at your answers.  I will weigh them.  I will balance them with what I know about you.  I will consider if they come from a clear space or one clouded by insecurities and tapes of the past.  I will judge if they come from your needs or your desires.  I will decide if they are for our benefit.

For I want where we go to be a place of balance, of growth, of safety, joy, knowledge, and yes, pleasure.  I will ask, seeking to know anything that you may know that I do not.  Then I will spend a long time asking WHY.  WHY do you feel that way?  WHY do you answer in that way?  What is it that I hear that are not in your words?  Because I need to know.

I need to know so I will make the right decision.  My decision.  My responsibility.  Mine.

So tell me.