Posts tagged ‘slave relationship’

The submissive’s choice

First I should apologize for my extended absence.  I am an artist by trade, if you can actually use those terms together, and have just finished three shows, one quite major.  Immediately following that, I was lucky enough to have some surgery from which I am still recovering.  All is going well.  But these things did occupy my time.  Glad to be back.

In my reading of letters and questions from submissives I often hear questions such as “Is it OK for a Dom to share his sub with others even if she doesn’t want to?”  Or perhaps, “Does a submissive or slave have to give over her finances to her Dom or Master?”  I would hope your answer to either of these questions would be “It depends on the relationship you negotiated.”

I sincerely have a vast respect for anyone who chooses the submissive or slave lifestyle.  I believe it can be a fulfilling and empowering position which can promote great growth.  But I question any who enters into it from a submissive or slave headspace.  Yea, I know, that sounds somewhat contradictory.  If you feel yourself to be a submissive or have a slave heart, how can you drop all of that when looking into the actual relationship you desire.

My reply is, how can you enter into a submissive or slave relationship by giving up your choices and needs to someone you do not yet know or trust?  You are entering into a relationship which may require vastly differing forms of behavior for you.  You may be told you can not use the furniture or wear clothing in your house.  You may be told you must perform sexual acts that are extremely unusual to you.  You may be told you must give up your career or family or friends.  You may be required to undergo body modifications from the simple to the extreme.  You may be treated in the most extremely disrespectful of ways.  Or you may not.  Do you know?

The question is, before you to commit to these changes in your life, do you know what they will be and have you considered if they are changes that you want?  My feeling is that you can not make these decisions in a headspace where you have already given over your personal power to the other.  You have to make these decisions as a calm, self respecting, competent, strong willed and independent person who has done extensive introspection, education and self examination.  This is negotiation, after all and you should enter into negotiations knowing what you want out of them, knowing where you are willing to compromise, and, most importantly, knowing what the possibilities are.

I often say, the best question is, “What do you mean by that?”  Consider the statement, “I like a bit of humiliation play.”  What, then, is humiliation to you?  What is humiliation to the other?  And what is, “a bit”?  If a form of behavior or play is unfamiliar to you, do not use it in negotiations until you understand it, and understand how the other is using it?

Understand your own needs and limits.  If a limit is not mentioned, does that mean it is open and acceptable to cross, or does it mean that when it does come up, it should be negotiated before being crossed?  Future negotiations are part of negotiations.

Are you willing to give up all rights to renegotiation or will there be times when open and honest feedback is requested by your Dom or Master?  Will that feedback be respected?  The one command may be “to obey”.  Does that mean you have no right to question or perhaps inform?  Are you always to do exactly and only what you are told, or are you able to add to your service from your own creativity?  Questions, Questions, Questions.  Until you negotiate and understand and agree to the elements of your relationship, you have the right, responsibility, and indeed obligation to come to the negotiating table as a self confident equal, with equal rights and equal value.  If you can not do that, learn how before you negotiate.

Please understand, there is nothing wrong with the most extreme forms of imbalanced relationships.  If you have competently negotiated a relationship where your body is modified to be a caricature of a person, and you sleep in a box in your own feces, to be brought out only to be sexually abused by multiple people (that is sort of an extreme of what I DON’T want in a partner) and you have negotiated, understood and chosen that position from a confident communicated position, bless you, and dive right in.  It is your choice.  But if you don’t ask, if you don’t communicate, if you do not demand the kind of relationship you want, desire and need, do not be surprised by what you get.

Until you give up responsibility in an educated and committed way, the responsibility for what you get is yours.

The Eroticist

For the Love of a Submissive

This was quoted in a Tumblr gathered by my puppy bear and I found it spot on.  After a bit of looking I found the original here if you wish to follow.

———-

Dominant Traits – Submission is Earned Not Ordered

In my seemingly endless quest to identify and describe the essence of Dominance and submission I have often found it easier to describe what it is not versus what it is. My writing it turns out has been less an act of description and more an effort to identify boundaries, framing D/s into something coherent and tangible. So once again I am going to begin with the contrast of what Dominance is not, and in so doing hopefully allude to what it is.

The greatest misconception I see from aspiring and wannabe Doms is that Dominance is about asserting active control and giving orders to satisfy one’s own desires. There is no doubt that the carrying out of commands can be a manifestation and indeed a fringe benefit of being a Dominant, but the selfish motivation is all wrong. Hubris, hedonism and narcissism are not the bedrock on which Dominance is built. Indeed, they are the enemy and even antithesis of successful dominance.

A submissive does not initially kneel because she has been ordered to. A submissive kneels because a Dominant has entered her world who recognized her deep seated need to kneel before another and serve them completely. But she does not kneel simply because she is in the company of one claiming to be a Dominant. Rather, she does so because someone has finally proven themselves worthy of her gifts and has successfully unlocked her desire to grant them without reservation.

The Dominant does not accomplish this through orders but rather through patient questioning and attentive active listening. The Dominant does not order a submissive to her knees to serve him but rather creates an environment of trust, desire and anticipation within which the submissive falls to her knees in devoted service of her own volition. Despite the pornographic BDSM imagery of force and even brutality and humiliation between a Dominant and submissive, long before there is kink and physical power exchange there is generally a full and complete emotional exchange of power. This is not done through bludgeoning or brutality but rather through patient and loving drawing out of desire. It is coaxing not command.

When my Muse first knelt for me I did not order her to her knees, she asked permission to do so. My job as Dominant was not to command but rather to enable. She reached the decision that I was the one she wanted to kneel before on her own. I simply created the environment where she felt comfortable, safe and desirous of doing so and I have the duty to continually and unfailingly nurture that environment for as long as our relationship continues. It is work. It is hard work.

A Dominant doesn’t get to enjoy this level of devotion and service by sitting back imperiously giving orders. They do so by continually and actively investing in the betterment of the relationship and the people within it. That means not only continually working to draw out the best in a submissive, but also continually seeking to be a better and more worthy Dominant. It is an active pursuit that takes hard work and unflinching dedication.

It is true that as a Dominant I get to give orders and often benefit directly from their being carried out; it is indeed good to be in command. But while I may be in command today, I have to continually earn the position, and could lose it in a heartbeat through misdeed or neglect. It is a revokable honor. But I did not gain the status of command by giving orders. I can give orders because the position of command has been granted me by a submissive. This is a distinction that seems to be lost on many.

Menacingly snarling out orders like “On your knees slut” does not make anyone a Dominant, but being a Dominant earns the ability to give such orders. Before any of that, the respect and desire of a submissive must be earned and that is an act of drawing out, not commanding. Only after submission is truly earned and freely given can a Dominant presume to have the right and ability to give orders. And even at that, obedience is only obtained when there is will and desire to do so. It is the job of the dominant to foster that desire.

I would argue that the title of Dominant or Master is NOT something one confers upon oneself as I so often see here on Tumblr and elsewhere. It is an identity and honorific that is earned from and bestowed by a submissive. I may believe myself to have a dominant personality, but I am not a “Dominant” or “Master” until a submissive identifies me as hers and we agree to that relationship. Anything less is mere posturing and bluster.

So the bottom line is that submission is earned not ordered. Dominance is a gentle act of drawing out not commanding; indeed it is a high form of seduction versus brutality. And while Dominants have egos, the act of dominance is not an ego-driven domineering state. It is perhaps most surprisingly an act of vulnerability and love.

© For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

———-

The Eroticist

18

Why is it that one can see on some social media sites statements such as, “I have been a submissive all my life.  I want to explore.  I want to be owned.”  This from someone Eighteen years of age.

Now please understand, I believe it is possible that a person of that age can accept that they are and have been submissive.  While many can discover this desire and tendency later, it is quite possible that for some it is known from a profoundly early age.  It is also quite possible that these people discover at a later age, that they really enjoy being a switch, or perhaps they find their submissive tendencies are a survival characteristic to allow them to exist in a family or society that does not reward their Dominance.  It is even quite possible that they find at a later age, kink is not for them at all.  Where I question things is whether or not one can know their life at age eighteen.

I sincerely have nothing against someone of that age deciding to enter into and rejoicing in a Master/Slave relationship.  But this is something that takes a great deal of time.  Extremely deep levels of communication must be built, and pardon me, but someone of that age does not yet have a great deal of experience in communication.  Please hear what I am saying.  An eighteen year old does not have a great deal of experience in deep transparent communication of their opinions, emotions, and considered desires.  Now this may have a great deal to do with them not having a great deal of experience with being respectfully HEARD.  That is not something for which this society is particularly well known.

The most important aspect of my concern is whether or not an eighteen year old has the experience in observing and understanding others that is necessary before accepting someone that writes them through a social media site and tells them they are a MASTER.  In this age where anyone can describe themselves as anything, with any kind of photo and any kind of text to an audience of millions, where we hear almost daily of people murdering through Craig’s list, and a phenomenal list of abuse under the guise of Dominance and submission, I am severely bothered by the thought of someone so young offering themselves on such an open and unsupervised market.

Yes, I am certainly willing to accept that many of the eighteen year olds so described are, in fact, people far different in reality who have not yet gotten to the point of accepting themselves and seeking what they wish in an open honest way through introspection and honest description.  The vast abilities given to us through the internet have allowed us a level of wide self presentation that I do not believe we yet understand, and certainly do not yet know its personal and societal consequence.

I suppose my concern comes not so much from the uncomfortably large number of people so describing themselves on social media sites, but in my profound fear that those few, truly lovely submissive young people, both male and female, who are ultimately worthy of great respect and care, may become involved in relationships which teach them that Dominance and submission is something negative or unrewarding, or at the worst, abusive, dangerous and harmful.  I believe that it should not be so, and at its best is rewarding and affirming to an extent far beyond (those of mortal men [sorry]) those relationships we see on a daily basis which are unconsidered, un-introspective, and are usually maintained without work.

I fear that this post is a little haphazzard.  I am in the midst of a difficult move and more work than I fear I am capable.  But the thoughts were there.

The Eroticist