Posts tagged ‘understanding others’

A Message

OK, I get up this morning and go to the computer to check my mail.

A game that my youngest son recommended is finished loading off of STEAM. (He has recommended the most excellent games to me.  The last one was “Life is Strange“, things new, that I would not have explored, but that are intensely interesting and unique.).  As I am just exploring the beginnings (Fucking weird and intense, it begins with a romance, marriage, then his wife begins getting early onset Alzheimer’s, hospitalized, he takes a job as a fire watcher to get away from it all.  It is called, appropriately, “Firewatch“.)
Anyway, I am playing it when I see what I thought was a fly hovering between me and the screen.  Try to kill it.  Sure I got it, but no.
It ISN’T a fly, it is a tiny spider, hovering, always between me and the monitor.  I reach above it to try to catch the thread of its web to set it down somewhere else, and realize it is not hanging from above, it is floating on air currents from a thread ATTACHED TO ME.  To my glasses.
I take the thread and set him down below the monitor, but he is up and floating again within 5 minutes.  He is telling me something, but I don’t know what it is.  So I stop and think, and let myself wonder.
I do not know what it is.  There is no rule book.  But there is something here that is very important.  When strange things like this happen in your life, LISTEN, even to the very small ones.  They are tiny windows into a world that is DIFFERENT than yours.  These windows are important.  They allow you to see something outside of your life.  I don’t know.  Maybe that is what my spider friend is trying to tell me.
Moments that you do not understand, moments that (yes) confuse you, are important.  They show you that you are NOT all knowing, all understanding, that everything is NOT within your control.  Of course, most people would except that.  They know they can not control everything.  But we think we understand that, and understand the “WHY”.  Even in moments when things are not going our way, we think that “WHY” they are not going our way is understood, something I did, something he did, bad timing, whatever.  But they are not.  In the vast number of cases we do not know, and we certainly  do not understand when they do go our way.
But that is good.  That is VERY good.  That is the lesson, I think.  We have to be comfortable with that.  Life IS a mystery, really, and that is, in a very powerful way, why it is worth living.  It creates Wonder.  A completely understood life is, maybe, a little bit, maybe a lot, boring.
The Eroticist

A Tumblr post

Yes, I know, I have promised to post more on Exxxotica, but I got hit with some additional surgery, and I am recovering, so just wait, ok?

However, in my bed of pain I ran across a tumblr that truly impressed me.  It is the first I have ever actually chosen to follow rather than just stalk.  It is obviously from a person of intelligence and and literary acumen.  Good photos and excellent texts.

On it, today, I found the following interchange, though the actual post is from a while back.  That interchange was originally on this blog.  It just pointed so squarely to so many of my issues within the BDSM community that I am FORCED (ahem, yea) to quote it.  Because I have not yet received instructions as to how to handle his links, I will some within []s.


Anonymous asked:

Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

Original post answered:

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new Doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a Dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a Dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met [My pet] 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a Dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL Domly Dom, I would’ve demanded those things.

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A Dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A Dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A Dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A Dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A Dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A Dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A Dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A Dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A Dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A Dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A Dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A Dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a Dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

So what does it mean, then, to be a Dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a Dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with [my pet]. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a Dominant does too.

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a Dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a Dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.


I could not have said it better myself, though I am sure I will continue to try.

The Eroticist

 

18

Why is it that one can see on some social media sites statements such as, “I have been a submissive all my life.  I want to explore.  I want to be owned.”  This from someone Eighteen years of age.

Now please understand, I believe it is possible that a person of that age can accept that they are and have been submissive.  While many can discover this desire and tendency later, it is quite possible that for some it is known from a profoundly early age.  It is also quite possible that these people discover at a later age, that they really enjoy being a switch, or perhaps they find their submissive tendencies are a survival characteristic to allow them to exist in a family or society that does not reward their Dominance.  It is even quite possible that they find at a later age, kink is not for them at all.  Where I question things is whether or not one can know their life at age eighteen.

I sincerely have nothing against someone of that age deciding to enter into and rejoicing in a Master/Slave relationship.  But this is something that takes a great deal of time.  Extremely deep levels of communication must be built, and pardon me, but someone of that age does not yet have a great deal of experience in communication.  Please hear what I am saying.  An eighteen year old does not have a great deal of experience in deep transparent communication of their opinions, emotions, and considered desires.  Now this may have a great deal to do with them not having a great deal of experience with being respectfully HEARD.  That is not something for which this society is particularly well known.

The most important aspect of my concern is whether or not an eighteen year old has the experience in observing and understanding others that is necessary before accepting someone that writes them through a social media site and tells them they are a MASTER.  In this age where anyone can describe themselves as anything, with any kind of photo and any kind of text to an audience of millions, where we hear almost daily of people murdering through Craig’s list, and a phenomenal list of abuse under the guise of Dominance and submission, I am severely bothered by the thought of someone so young offering themselves on such an open and unsupervised market.

Yes, I am certainly willing to accept that many of the eighteen year olds so described are, in fact, people far different in reality who have not yet gotten to the point of accepting themselves and seeking what they wish in an open honest way through introspection and honest description.  The vast abilities given to us through the internet have allowed us a level of wide self presentation that I do not believe we yet understand, and certainly do not yet know its personal and societal consequence.

I suppose my concern comes not so much from the uncomfortably large number of people so describing themselves on social media sites, but in my profound fear that those few, truly lovely submissive young people, both male and female, who are ultimately worthy of great respect and care, may become involved in relationships which teach them that Dominance and submission is something negative or unrewarding, or at the worst, abusive, dangerous and harmful.  I believe that it should not be so, and at its best is rewarding and affirming to an extent far beyond (those of mortal men [sorry]) those relationships we see on a daily basis which are unconsidered, un-introspective, and are usually maintained without work.

I fear that this post is a little haphazzard.  I am in the midst of a difficult move and more work than I fear I am capable.  But the thoughts were there.

The Eroticist